Warning VERY long - do I expect too much?

[Dutchie]

My DH says that I expect too much.

This may come over as being emotional but tears are running down my face as I type this - it is hard for me.
Maybe I am just getting old and can't accept change.
Please be the judge - tell me anything you think (nicely).
Maybe you can tell me how you have solved this in your family.

Some of you may know I have 5 kids varying in age from almost 18 (youngest and only girl) up to 27. The youngest 3 live at home.
Everyone knows that when kids get to a certain age and they have a SO in their life that holidays etc. have to be split up. Not a problem.

My oldest son has a wonderful girl whom he has known for almost 2 years. They have moved in together and have also bought a home together that is now being built.
Her parents are MEGA rich - I mean multi-millionaire rich.
(The house that the kids have bought is being built by the father and is HUGE and is also being financed for a great part by him.)
I don't know if this has anything to do with anything but just for info.

About 6 months ago both DH and I had a small exchange of words with our son about the fact that as a family we always got the short end of the stick these days and always had to fit in with the traditions of the girlfriend's family.
I do understand that everyone has to find their way in these things but I felt then and still feel now that we have had to take last place in everything since he met her. The least emotional one of the two of us (DH) actually said this to him which is saying a LOT.

The last thing that happened was yesterday. I was called by my son who announced that because it has been so busy for them, they will be going on vacation to Africa just before Christmas and won't be back until very late on the 24th. (This was an extra Christmas gift to them from her parents.)
So could we postpone our Christmas gift giving till another date so that they could still be there.
Christmas Day is not an option for the gift giving because her parents always have a family day that day and Dec. 26th is not an option because she always has a party that day for her friends.

Dec. 24th has always been a tradition in our family for at least the last 23 years. We go to church in the early evening, go to my parents in law afterwards and then go home where we open gifts and have a great evening together. The SO's of my other kids have been with us for years too and love this tradition and it has grown that they also come to church/grandparents and our house.

The other people who also hold this tradition very dearly are my parents in law. They had the tradition even before us and are extremely attached to it.
The thing that will make it very difficult this year is that this will probably be the last time that my father in law is with us. He has been ill for years now, he had a stroke in Oct. and is not recovering well at all.
I know that he will be heartbroken if the tradition is broken.

Actually coincidentally, my daughter, youngest son and I were talking about Dec. 24th just last week and I mentioned that the gift giving would be a bit less extravagant this year. They both said that it was the getting together that was the important part and the fun that we had opening the gifts, not what the gifts were.

I am upset about all this and DH and I have talked about it a lot since yesterday.
He understands but says that we have been lucky up till now with the kids all being with us on Dec. 24th but they will all go their own way at some point. So it may be a good thing to drop the traditions and just see who can be with us but without any pressure.
My point is that we have had to drop all of the traditions in the last 2 years - all except this last one, Christmas Eve.

Please be honest - am I expecting too much?

Just for info - distance is not an issue. We all live within 10 minutes of each other.

[ladykemma2]

you are expecting too much. As adult children grow up they make their own traditions and their own family. As you have made yours... right?

He is going to Africa for the holiday. He is not going to the in-laws. So this is not a pissing contest to see who gets who for the holiday.

I would NOT postpone gift giving date so they could be there, that is selfish on your son's part. go on with your tradition on the 24th

edited to add: issue next year's invitation with: "we are having christmas on the 24th, Hope you can be there!". and then let it go with no expectation and no resentment. An expectation is a pre-meditated resentment.

[homemaker66]

As everyone else we have to learn to let go and let our children make their own traditions. What we do is make different ones as they get older for example we make candy everyone loves doing that and we have been making it since they are little. Some of the other new traditions are bring our favorite mixe drink recipe and we make it, another one is decorating the tree. This is our family together time so I get them more throughout the month just by doing the little stuff and when christmas is here if they can make it that is great but if not I do understand because my gift to myself is having the little times durning the month. Sometimes you have to go to their homes instead of them coming to you all the time.

[WV_mom_of2]

I would have my usual traditions and let them know that you really want them to be there and if they can't make it they will be missed. You don't have to always be the one to give in by changing your plans. If it means the world to the majority to have it Dec. 24, then do it. And I would especially do it if you think FIL won't be around next year.

And take heart in the fact that one day when they have grown children they will likely be faced with just this problem!

[joyofsix]

I'd have my tradition on the 24th and maybe see if he and his SO and any other family wants to come to your place at a later date. I know my parents and grandparents were sometimes disappointed when I got married and my dh and I started our own traditions but it is life.

[FrugalMomof3]

I would have to say that this year will be breaking the tradition and you knew this had to happen sooner or later. I would be upset but just remember he isn't moving to Africa he's only going on Vacation, be glad for that.

2ndly things can't and dont always go your way ... kids grow up and times change. You have to realize things cant always be your way.

[Holly]

I would stick to your plans and tell them you would like them to be there but understand if they can't.
Its not fair to mess up your traditions for one person in the family.

[Pemberleyan]

I'm sorry -- I know this is a painful time for you.

I definitely don't think you should change your plans. I'd just have them over sometime when they return.

[TheRootedNomad]

I think you need to have your holidays (all of them) the way your family has them. Of coarse your oldest and his SO are/should be included. If they choose to participate that's wonderful, if they don't then then you need to let go.

As a side note you brought up money. Can it be that your son and his SO feel they "owe" something to her parents? I think it's possible. She may have been unconsciously controled by this in some small, or maybe even large, way all her life. On the flip side it's also possible that her and her family are just very close. This isn't to say your family isn't. It just to say that it may have nothing to do with the money. I know my mother struggled with this, and still does with all of us, and quite frankly we ALL do more with our family than with our SOs families.

[Momto2Boyz]

It's hard. That is all I can say. I have actually been on the "other" end of this same kind of situation for 10 years. DH and I try to be fair and split up the holidays between our two familys, but our mothers (and I like how someone above put this, so I'll use their terminology) treat it as a pissing match and one is mad no matter what we decide. We spend our Christmas holiday, running from home to home, town to town and we as a family (DH and I and the kids) hate it and are miserable over the holidays. Even thinking about it now, I can't wait for it to be over! (The one holiday that I put my foot down and we stayed home to have a peaceful christmas, was a huge disaster, becuase I was hounded for a year afterwards by both mothers) And no matter how hard we try to give everyone what we feel is equal time, our mothers are still never happy.

We learned long ago, to ask them to keep their schedules untouched for our sake, becuase we found that if our families had to move traditions or times to include us, then we were made to feel guilty that the entire family was working around us.

So, having said all this...I don't know what your situation is, but be careful in trying to keep their thoughts and feelings in mind too. But having said that, go about your schedule and do your own thing. Let him know when things will happen and eventually, he'll come around and begin to see that he needs to show up when things are scheduled even if it means not seeing her family once in a while!

[Lady_V]

This is long... grab a cup of something soothing

Have a wonderful gathering on the Eve and be happy for your son and his other-half.

I won't say you are expecting too much... because I don't think you are... I think you are hoping. Hoping things would always stay the same within your family circle. You circle... is now starting to look like an oval to include your ODS gf's family. In time it will morph in to something else as more families get added in to yours.

Once upon a time I was engaged (and married) to an only child of a very wealthy family who was rooted deeply in their own traditions and I had to try to split myself to keep my Mother (and her traditions) and his family (and traditions) going. That mental hell lasted 4 years.

The first Yule DD was there, I put my foot down and refused to go anywhere. I invited them to come over for the Eve and Day, but I felt the time had come that we start our OWN FAMILY tradition since we were not just children of, and spouse of... we were parents of.

Did they like it? No...

We had our first (and last) 'our family' holiday. We were separated after that, but have still remained close.

I am already preparing myself for the day DD doesn't come home for the holidays. As part of the divorce agreement, the Ex and I split the holiday (morn-afternoon/afternoon-evening) with the exception of Christmas. In an effort to keep some family traditions alive we agreed to alternate years. Odd years he has her overnight on the Eve until noon the Day... even years are mine. Odd years, his family goes to his Aunts house... even years she is at my house where I keep 'our family' traditions going.

There will come a time where DD will want to spend the holidays with her SO and I will be heart-broken... and then I will have to remind myself that I knew this day would come for her... just as it came for me.

On a side note, you mentioned that the gf's family is financially well-off and you wonder if some of your feelings are tied in to that... My quick answer - maybe.

Back in the time of 'Once upon' there were two families... one a single mother who worked an honest job at a living wage, and a family who never had to want for anything.

The children of these two financially opposite families fell in love. The well-off family would gift extravagance... the single mother would gift modestly.

There came a time where the single mother felt as if she was losing her daughter to the glam and glitter of the extravagance and tried to 'keep up' with the gifting. If the well-to-do gifted crystal champagne glasses... she would gift them with a gold rimmed crystal champagne bucket. This silent one-sided competition did not make the children of the two families any happier.

Then came the year the family gifted their son and his wife $10,000. The single mother, unable to provide such a costly gift cashed in her 401K in attempts to 'equal things out'.

That year the child of the single mother had to tell her to STOP! Stop clearing out her money, stop trying to compete, stop thinking she has to match the gifting... and stop thinking that because the other family can give shinier gifts they were better than anything she could give because the child knew that gifts bought with thoughts surpassed any gift bought with ability.

Fast forward a few years... the children of these 2 families are now divorced. The child of the single mother is now closer to the other family who still gifts her (and fiance) with more than modest gifts every year. The single mother stews in her own juices of bitterness.

The child of the single mother is not closer to her previous inlaws because of the corucopia of gifts presented once a year, but because of the constant showing of love month to month. The family was hurt deeply when the two children divorced, but saw that the two children were working against the odds to stay a close family, dispite the change in legal status.

The child of the single mother IS closer to the other family because they are accepting of the changes life had brought them. Changes in holilday traditions, starting of new traditions... and the ending of others. Accepting of the fact that the two children are still a family for they are not just children... they are parents, the heads of their own family. Accepting off the addition of a SO of the once child-in-law.

Moral of the story -- Don't stew in bitter juices... don't try to compete with the other family... and be happy for your son who has found not only a wonderful woman, but a child of family willing to accept him in to their family circle.

[madhen]

I noticed you said that you followed your parents-in-law's tradition, and I wondered whether YOUR parents had a tradition that you broke from.

I have to agree with all the above replies. As each of us grows to adulthood and finds our way in life, we want to start our own traditions. I remember being that way when I left home. It is just part of becoming an adult. Good for you for raising a well-adjusted child who is independent and confident enough to make his own way.

My sister is married to a guy who has six siblings, all of whom live within 30 minutes of each other. His parent TRIED to make everyone come to their house for the holidays every year, and it just created a lot of tension and resentment. (This year, his parents showed up unexpectedly [having moved to another state a few years back - didn't much care about the family tradition when it came to their OWN comfort ] and are again insisting everyone get together for T-Day at one of the sibling's homes. Again, I am already hearing resentment and tension from my sister (who normally hosts T-Day for her immediate family, me, and our mother).)

I *would* NICELY tell your son about your concerns with your FIL. Maybe, if your son knows why this particular holiday year is so critical to you, he can at least call your house on X-Mas Eve and wish everyone a wonderful holiday.

[IntlMom]

Dutchie, sorry that this is troubling you. You've gotten some great advice here, I hope it's been an encouragement to you........

[jdr250]

I can understand your hurt, but Africa is an ultimate usually once in a lifetime vacation don't begrudge them that experience.
Go on with your tradition, explain that they will be missed and thought of and ask them when they have time to exchange with you. Maybe even start a new tradition and offer to come to their house on the 27th. Sadly traditions change, this change is already taking place regardless of your son because as you stated this will probably be the last year your fil will be here, and eventually your mil will be gone as well, thus the tradition will have to change.
It's a hard transition, but as a family that tried to split the holidays with their much broken family: mother, father, aunt who raised her, in-laws, and very special friend of the family...It was insane. My kids got no time to play with anything Christmas day it was constant running from house to house. We spent more time loading and unloading the car and traveling than we did with anyone member of the family. About 5 years ago, we finally decided enough was enough. Christmas Eve, my mom comes to our house to spend the night (she lives about an hour away) we take the afternoon to visit and exchange with the in-laws family, that evening we go to my aunt's, then home to hang out and get ready for the following day. Christmas day, we get up to watch the kids open (Grandma gets to see it), then I make a huge dinner and everyone comes to my house in-laws, aunt and uncle, cousins, dad. It's a great stress free (well as stress free as cooking a feast can be ) Then by 6 or 7 everyone is gone and we just veg out on the couch watching the kids. It's wonderful. Then the following Saturday we go to the friend of the family's and exchange. Once everyone got over the initial shock, they've come to enjoy it, they don't have to make the big meal they get to see everyone that they may not have seen for the rest of the year and my kids get to have their huge extended family around them. Last year was tough we had lost both my dad and my aunt, but it was easier to get through because we were all together in utter chaos.
My aunt always told me that the way of families is that daughters lean on their mothers more once they have children which will bring a closeness, and when son's have children their wives will lean on their mother's creating a space with their sons. It's not a slight, it's just the way it is and you have to accept that and do your best to be involved or get left in the dust.
Sorry this is so long, but I guess the long and short of my point is accept it for what it is, love your son and be willing to bend. Continue with your traditions as long as you can and be open to new traditions as well. Your son will be grateful that you aren't trying to pull him in two different directions.

[happimommi]

I would definetly stick with your family tradition for the 24th. It is sad that your son won't be there but I seems to mean a lot to you and your family to have this gathering. I am sure that they are all looking forward to it and rescheduling would be difficult with everyone's schedules. Tell your son you will miss him and his SO on the 24th but wish them a happy vacation. It sounds like this is an issue that will just continue to happen and my advice would be to make your plans and if they can attend, great, if not, you will miss them. They could have arranged their vacation differently so that they could have been home for the 24th. The choice was theirs. Enjoy your celebration on the 24th.