Breaking Destructive Cycles

**forHISglory** · 11-21-2008, 09:47 AM

While I was growing up, my parents were always in debt, and the debt loomed over our lives: a dark cloud that shadowed our emotions and activities. I determined that I would not live that way. To be fair, my parents were trying to do the best they could. As farmers, they were subject to the weather, disasters, disease, falling markets, and so forth. But debt hung in our lives.

As an adult, I did incur debt, but it was not the huge amounts from my childhood. And we paid it off promptly by sacrificing in other areas.

Another cycle was my mother's depression. Although she is cheery most of the time, she can fall into depressive cycles that made us all uneasy when we were children. I determined that I would be as optimistic as possible and purposefully work toward being positive about life. I don't know if my mother was able to fight her depression or not; that was many years ago. But I decided that I would do what had to be done to avoid it.

Today we hear about breaking destructive cycles in many areas: divorce, alcoholism, poverty, abuse, parenting, losing weight and staying healthy, etc. Some of the cycles may be hugely destructive, and others may have minor effects. Have you ever consciously decided to break a cycle? What motivated you? What did you do? How did it turn out? What advice can you give to others about breaking a destructive cycle?

**nvmommyx6** · 11-21-2008, 10:00 AM

When I was 17, I looked in the mirror, I did not like what I saw....When I ate I immediatly threw it up (involuntarily) I had been starving myself for so long I had a stomach infection and my body just rejected anything I put into it unless it was cocaine!!
I stand 5'4" and at that time weighed in at a whoppin 83 pounds!! I checked myself into drug treatment, I fought that addiction, I fought for nearly a year just to be able to eat food again, I worked 2 jobs for 3 years to pay for it, I did it without my parents consent, or support from any of my family or friends!
Now they support me as I am getting ready to celebrate my 20 years clean! I have ordered and recieved my 20 year sobriety medallions and they will be presented to me dec 14th!!
and I weigh in at 127 pounds now!!! I know had I not seen myself in that mirror the way I saw myself that morning, I would be dead.

My sister, who is now 41 years old, has chosen never to fight hers with drugs and severe alcohol....She has no children and can never have them because of her addictions, she has no life, she is miserable and sick every day, she has no friends or family who can put up with her anymore, and when I think of her or look at her I see what I would have been if I'd lived through my addiction and was still addicted! I am proud of me, and I pray for her and all other addicts that they can pull out of it too

**madhen** · 11-21-2008, 10:01 AM

Well, for better or worse, the only one I have to blame for my situation is me. My parents were both very frugal, by necessity, and I think when I first was old enough to go out and make my own money, I whip-lashed from not being able to have ANYTHING that was considered a luxury, to feeling like I "deserved" EVERYTHING that was a luxury! That, and the fact that my parents never felt a need to dicuss money with either me or my sister (who is older than me, and who is just now starting to understand that money doesn't grow on trees). Then I hooked up with a partner who was overindulged and spoiled as a child, and we were like gasoline and fire together. I left that relationship in major debt, and have been struggling ever since. I got myself close to debt-free ONCE, before I bought my first house, but then slipped back into the destructive behaviour again. I don't know what finally flipped the switch for me, and made me decide to straighten up and fly right, but something did, (maybe the realization that I love my free time and didn't want to still be working when I was 95 years old!!) several years ago, and I have been SLOWLY climbing back out again. I slip occasionally, but not like I used to, and the balance at the end of my sig has been decreasing bit by bit every month.

Happily, my debt is the only destructive behaviour I have. Other than that, and my inability to keep a Martha-Stewart-worthy home, I'm pretty squared away.

**forHISglory** · 11-21-2008, 10:37 AM

My congratulations to Madhen and NVMommyX6 for recognizing and breaking the cycle. These cycles go through generations if not broken. My husband's grandfather was an abusive drunk. My FIL decided that this was NOT going to be how he raised his family. FIL lived in fear of his own father, and said that he never wanted his kids to fear him in that way. He succeeded, and raised a wonderful family. The cycle CAN be broken with determination and a plan.

**Ceashels** · 11-21-2008, 02:19 PM

I don't wish to go into my experiences but I do wish to add that any decision to break a destructive cycle is not a choice for a day. It is a choice everyday. Whether it is food or alcohol or money, or drugs... it is something we chose every day.

**mamamia** · 11-21-2008, 08:02 PM

Originally Posted by forHISglory

My congratulations to Madhen and NVMommyX6 for recognizing and breaking the cycle. These cycles go through generations if not broken. My husband's grandfather was an abusive drunk. My FIL decided that this was NOT going to be how he raised his family. FIL lived in fear of his own father, and said that he never wanted his kids to fear him in that way. He succeeded, and raised a wonderful family. The cycle CAN be broken with determination and a plan.

This is exactly what I was gonna say and also that you's must feel wonderful about breaking those cycles! Be proud of yourselves ladies!

Theresa

**nvmommyx6** · 11-21-2008, 08:15 PM

Originally Posted by Ceashels

Whether it is food or alcohol or money, or drugs... it is something we chose every day.

This is so incredibly true, I look back now and I think to myself, Daaaaaaaang, thats a lot of days!!!!
But I also know, if someone were to put me in front of a line of cocaine right now, I would probably slap the crap right out of them and walk away!! I know I have the strength not to do it again, especially after this long of being alive without it!!

**kabin63** · 11-22-2008, 12:09 AM

Well, I have my demons to fight. Lately, and for some time now, I see the battle is going to be lost if I don't fight it. I admire those who fight and win. It encourages me. Great thread!

**madhen** · 11-22-2008, 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by Ceashels

I don't wish to go into my experiences but I do wish to add that any decision to break a destructive cycle is not a choice for a day. It is a choice everyday. Whether it is food or alcohol or money, or drugs... it is something we chose every day.

Very true. I admire nvmommyx6 for saying she could walk away from the object of her addiction (cocaine). I still don't trust myself enough to say that, if someone stuck $10,000 cash in front of me, I could spend or invest it wisely. I have all sorts of tricks and mental games I have to play with myself daily to "fool" myself into not running up my cc's (or worse, accepting an application for a new one) and for trying to ignore my savings, when it gets significant enough to be noticed.

I posted in another thread that I had to deplete my EF to pay for a new roof on the house. I was in tears over that, because I had managed to form a mental wall between me and that money, and by pulling the money out, I also destroyed that barrier, so I have to start all over again, and now I don't know if I can convince myself again that my EF money is untouchable.

Money is my version of cocaine, I guess, and I haven't earned my sobriety pin yet!!

**shoiji** · 11-22-2008, 01:39 PM

One bad habit I broke was I stopped smoking. OK, so this is the second time in my life I stopped smoking. I can definately feel the difference physically and emotionally. It was a gradual prgression to say I am going to quit. And there were some set backs but I was determined to quit. Sure I sometimes get a twinge out of the blue for a smoke but luckily it goes away as quickly as it comes.

It does really depend on when the person is ready though.