So have been thinking about my holiday cheer. And some of you are right I need to let it go and lighten up. If I don't I might ruin it for everyone. So In order to help me tolerate my holiday dinner with the family I have a few fun ideas. I though it should share these ideas with the rest of you who are not looking forward to Christmas with the family.
A little "holiday humor" to go with your feast:
1. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.
2. Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta cheese and Spam into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom/grandma/your wife that it adds the coolest flavor.
3. Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.
4. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.
5. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.
6. After soaking a napkin in some turkey gravy, simulate blowing your nose, letting the gravy drip onto your food. Start eating ravenously.
7. Hold your nose while you eat. Make soft gagging noises after every second or third forkful.
8. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Emphasize the negative health and sanitation aspects of the story.
9. Mid-meal turn to mom/grandma/your wife and say, "See, I told you they wouldn't notice. You were worried for nothing."
10. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.
11. When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.
12. Come to the table dressed in a toga.
13. Midway though the meal, excuse your self from the table. Go into the next room and make loud gagging, vomiting sounds. Return to the table and ask for another plateful of food.
14. Observe aloud how much the stuffing and gravy resemble the contents of Uncle Ed’s colostomy bag.
15. When giving the " blessing”, be sure to express how thankful you are that you only have to eat at the same table with your in-laws once or twice every year.
16. Turn the topic of conversation toward recognition of the early symptoms of food poisoning. Demonstrate these symptoms, just for safety’s sake.
17. Insist on having paper bags wrapped around the wine bottles at the table.
18. Bring the turkey from the kitchen to the table dressed only in a jock strap.
19. Before everyone begins eating, announce loudly that both turkey legs are yours. Place a loaded revolver on the table in front of your plate to show that you're serious.
20. Call the local Salvation Army mission to ask if the residents are enjoying the rice noodles, spam, sauerkraut and fruitcake that you donated for their dinner.
21. Start a food fight at the table.
22. Present your guests with an itemized bill for the food, making sure to add a 15 percent gratuity.
23. Engage your brother-in-law in a belching contest before dessert. Ask someone else at the table to judge volume, tone, duration and “viscosity.”
24. Drink copious quantities of wine, washing each spoonful of food down with at least half a glass. At the same time, sip out of your water glass sparingly, ensuring that it’s never more than half full.
And finally, the number one way to have fun on Christmas Day:
25. Call the local Salvation Army mission and tell them that you’ve prepared a massive feast that you and your family can’t possibly eat by yourselves. Tell them you can feed at least twenty-five hungry and homeless people if the Salvation Army can bring them to you. Give them directions to your obnoxious next-door neighbor’s house.
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"A smile starts on the lips, A grin spreads to the eyes, A chuckle comes from the belly; But a good laugh bursts forth from the soul, Overflows, and bubbles all around." --Carolyn Birmingham
Hey have you had Christmas with my fiance's family? I swear I've seen and heard some of these at his brothers house. I think #6 would have me gagging for real. Funny
Cat
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Oh my, we have participated in a few of these without even trying (9,17,23,24) No wonder we always have a good time!
#17 was for wine friends who turned out to be wine snobs, so we covered the bottles so they wouldn't know the "good" from the "bad". No one complained about the wine & we all had a good time.
#23 Just happen inadvertly. One belches and it goes downhill from there. Especially if kids are around. Wait, I have a great time partaking in this one. Hehe
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9. Mid-meal turn to mom/grandma/your wife and say, "See, I told you they wouldn't notice. You were worried for nothing."
17. Insist on having paper bags wrapped around the wine bottles at the table.
23. Engage your brother-in-law in a belching contest before dessert. Ask someone else at the table to judge volume, tone, duration and “viscosity.”
24. Drink copious quantities of wine, washing each spoonful of food down with at least half a glass. At the same time, sip out of your water glass sparingly, ensuring that it’s never more than half full.
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I needed a laugh! I had a horrible day & managed to both get my feelings hurt & hurt my daughter in one short conversation. Next year I think I will hibernate through Christmas so at least only I am misereable...
Thank you so much for this. I may not do any of these Thursday, but I will be thinking about them and laughing. Wait that could be one of them.
While sitting at the table, start giggling, then laughing, then rolling on the floor laughing, when they ask whats so funny, stand up, look at them blankly and say "oh nothing."
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#9 happened the first year I ate Christmas dinner with the in-laws! DH and I had just gotten together (we'd been together about 4 months, though we'd been friends for years so I knew his family well). The ladies were in the kitchen making gravy and Great Grandma was shaking the wondra into the pan to make the gravy and there were meal worms in the Wondra! I stared in amused horror as they plucked the worms out and continued to make the gravy!
About halfway through the meal (of which I skipped the gravy), someone said exactly that..."see no one even noticed the bugs in the gravy!" It was gross, but hilarious!
My kids annoy everyone every year (now it has become an obnoxious tradition). Every time someone says the word eggnog my kids have to repeat it, but they do it like this... Egg (snort) Nog (snort) Eggnog. No idea how it got started, but they always think it is hilarious, becuase we all try to get through the day without saying the word eggnog. It's become a game!
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Cute! This relieves some of that pre-holiday stress that was building up!
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