why do I try just a vent!!

**sixfreds** · 12-26-2008, 08:53 PM

Okay I just want to vent...
My mother-in-law and I don't get along the truth is she doesn't like me never has never will and she doesn't like my kids (they are also her sons kids) any ways I keep trying I have the kids call her we sent her email updates and pictures and all that stuff. I am a good person I am not a mean person!
Okay so she moved to FL years ago now so we mailed down present for christmas, this year I made for a little family scrapbook with pictures of her kids (she has 3 kids and her grand kids she has 6) I also had a collage calendar made at snapfish it had pictures of all her family on it and was really cool I thought and mailed it and the kids each made her an ornament... Nice I thought, all made gifts you know those gifts that make you think someone cares....
Well like I said she doesn't like me but yesterday my husband and the kids called her to wish her a merry christmas she doesn't have time to talk to me which is fine with me so after my husband hung up I asked him if she liked the gifts he said I don't know she didn't mention it so I emailed today to thank her for the gifts she sent for the kids and casualy asked if she got the package we sent, her reply was she loved the fact the kids are so creative and made the cutest ornaments... okay that part was nice but really she could thank me for the gifts I made her, really I know she does it to make me sad but really I made her some nice gifts and a thank you would have been nice!!
Some days I wonder why I try to be the nice person since she is so mean!!

Eileen

**madhen** · 12-26-2008, 09:09 PM

I was browsing around the internet Yahoo Groups and I found one called "In-laws from Hell". Sounds perfect for you.

Seriously, you continue to be a nice person because you ARE a nice person. It also just happens to make you a BETTER person than your MIL, so keep it up.

**FrugalMomof3** · 12-26-2008, 09:12 PM

The only thing I can think of is she really doesnt like you and it seems you are trying too hard to win her over. I say for the kids sake to let her just acknowledge them and let it be. I mean is it really worth the headache to expect a thank you to you from her?

Had it been me, I wouldnt have even talked to her, I would have let DH talk to her.

**angelbumpkin** · 12-26-2008, 09:16 PM

I understand exactly how you feel. My sil is exactly the same. Thats ok because I know in my heart I have done nothing wrong. So, keep your chin up and try to still show love.

**prftstrngr** · 12-26-2008, 09:20 PM

Agreed...be nice...I have the same challenge. My mother in law doesnt much like me either and the alternative to yours not hardly talking to you....is mine being fake and acting nice in front of people and talking behind my back! Sometimes I wish she wouldnt talk to me. I just smile and keep being nice....I do it for my husband. He is an only child and no one would have been good enough for him in her eyes. Keep smiling and doing what you are. Someday she may realise you are a wonderful person.

**sixfreds** · 12-26-2008, 09:32 PM

I don't talk to her, I have the kids and my husband call her and they talk to her but I do not! I haven't talked to her for over a year.

the comment a few years ago that really did it for me was she called to let us know she was moving her reason she wanted to be close to her real grandchildren.... she moved to FL from MA to be closer to her daughter I say my kids are her sons bio kids (not that I think it matters but it is a fact my kids are also her real grandkids) she she told me it is different when it is when your daughter has children compared to when it is only your sons wife who has children..
She did say that to me a few years back......

I will still be nice to her and sent her email updates and email her pictures of the kids because that is just who I am I don't like feeling or acting mean, I just wish she would show some nice back once in a while........
I am not trying to win her I am over that I make her gifts because I think it would be mean to make those things for my father-in-law and his wife and my mother and the grandparents and not for her so I make and do the same thing for all my kids grandparents and great grandparents. I couldn't win her over even if I tried....

Eileen

**Greebo** · 12-26-2008, 09:32 PM

You can be civil without going out of your way to be disappointed.

The woman has demonstrated her feelings towards you. Why continue to try to do anything but be civil when you must deal with her at all? Why give her a moment's thought beyond what is necessary?

**Momto2Boyz** · 12-27-2008, 09:14 AM

I have to say that I lucked out in the In law department, they are pretty great and have always done their best to include me like real family, so I can't complain.

But I have a grandmother who is like this. After years and years of her just being plain rude to everyone in the family, and after my grandpa died (she is my dad's step mom, but I didn't know that she was a "step-grandma" until I was 16), my dad cut off all contact with her. And my brother and I pretty much followed suit. I tried to keep in contact, but I got tired of her just being a witch, when I was trying to be really nice.

You can only control how you deal with her and not how she deals with the world. Do the best you can with her and maybe lower your expectations. I know it's hard, but try not expect anything from her, then you won't be dissapointed!

**thriftstorequeen** · 12-27-2008, 09:38 AM

I have had a mother-in-law for years that has done stuff to upset me. For years and years I tried very hard to make us one big happy family. I had lots of ideas of how I thought it would play out. needless to say it never did. We lived right next door to her. She got made at me and then my hubby and then she didn't even speak to us or our kids for 5 years. I continued to pray for her and myself and then I reached out and she responded. We have been restored. We did move away to put some distance between us. We only see them a few times a year. My hubby doesn't call them or suggest that we visit so we don't. I like it this way. I have alot of less headaches and heartbreaks. This has made me want to be the best mother-inlaw in the world. I'm truely blessed with wonderful in-law-kids. My first son-in-law into our family is great! He loves me and I know he knows how much I love him. I did worry about if I'd like the next son-in-law that came into our family. Because the first one had set the bar so high. Needless to say the Lord blessed me with another wonderful son-in-law. For me it is a wonderful blessing to see your daughters choose wisely! I have three wonderful daughter-in- laws too. I love them and they love me! I try not to get into my kids business but be here if they need me. I hope you can find some peace in all of this and not suffer though all the years I did with my mother-in-law.

**cmdarlin** · 12-27-2008, 10:10 AM

My DH's mother never came out and said she didn't like me but always made reference to the ex-wife in front of me. It was always, 'Mandy this and Mandy that...' It hurt my feelings but I let it go for his sake. She passed away a few years ago and we never really connected, though I did try.

Debbie

**cab54** · 12-27-2008, 10:20 AM

sixfreds, I have been living your life for 35 years now. Someday it will hit you that it is not worth being upset about......that SHE is not worth being upset about.

But rather than wait for that feeling to hit you---do it NOW. Cut off the little voice that says 'I want her to like me, I want us to be friends." Give up the ghost. She never will, if she's anything like my MIL. I still get the little cheap shots, or the acting like I don't exist. After ALL this time.

I finally stopped caring what she thinks of me. I just act as sweetly as I can muster toward her and let it go. I realize now that she is a bitter and mentally sick old woman, who's #1 accomplishment in life is to make a lot of people miserable.

As my sons grew up, they could see how grandma was, even without my saying anything. Now that they are adults, they care for her, but just know that she is a (w)itch. They just accept that she's weird.

**fernykins** · 12-27-2008, 10:40 AM

I am thankful that both my mother-in-laws were very sweet people. But I can't say the same for my sister-in-law. When my fil passed away she took the whole family for a couple of million..... It was surpose to be devided equally. She is an artist and froged his name on everything. She even tried to change the life insurance..... Its been 14 years and she is completely broke......... I could have lived my lifetime on it and still had money left over........ But I'm riches by far with my children and grandchildren......... You are a very sweet person to continue being good to her.
Fern

**LuvMyHubby** · 12-27-2008, 11:58 AM

I am truly fortuanate to have MIL/FIL who like me and treat me like one of their own

I'm sorry that you are having so much trouble with yours. I think in the end you are doing what is best. You still encourage your husband and children's relationship with her, you do your best to acknowledge her but do not let her directly pull your strings.

RE: the real grandchildren snarky comment, unless she is a complete loon could it be that she is either very close to her daughter? I think that sometimes there is just plain a bond with mothers and daughters that sometimes trickles down to the grandchildren, she may indeed feel closer to her daughter's children (doesn't mean she doesn't love yours) but doesn't have that nifty little filter between her brain and mouth that could have rephrased that statement to something that perhaps didn't make you want to put her head between a vice and pop it off. For example: I have a coworker who is a very nice person who just is not fond of her MIL and while she is cordial and welcoming to her it is clear that she far prefers to have her parents visit and this I noticed has trickled to her daughters, they in turn far prefer their maternal grandmoter and one daughter who has a child, still attend all of mother's holiday events with their child thereby either sending off her hubby to his moms alone or forcing her inlaws to reschedule all their events around what is happening at her mom's house.

So, unless she truly is trying to say that she believes your kids are not your husband's children then it sounds like a case of I really want to be near my daughter and I don't have enough couth to sensor what I say and take one more pot shot at my DIL even if they way it is worded is a pot shot at my grandchildren also.

I'd say you are doing fine and the bright side is that she is many, many states away.

**brook** · 12-27-2008, 01:38 PM

Originally Posted by hunertime

...... I always was nice and polite and have no regrets.

Sixfreds,

I am quoting the most important sentence in all of the messages you have gotten.

the key work is "REGRETS"

As a young child I sat and listened to all the older ladies having their Monday afternoon get together over tea and the cookies one of the ladies made. The ladies would talk about life, gardens, flowers, the new recipe they tried, family.. not gossiping but sharing.

One of the words that kept coming up was regret. I regret I didn't water those tomatoes more because I didn't get a good harvest. I regret I didn't get that letter off to Milly sooner as she has been ill.
(regret is sometimes interchanged with sorry, " I am sorry now that I didn't get my washing done earlier because it rained today")

So early on the word Regret was used so often I realized that if I could live my life without 'Regret' would be the greatest thing I could do.

After much pondering I realized that when we are old and all we have are our memories left to us, the thing most thought about was 'our regrets'. You know the "If only I..."

Take peace in the fact that you have given everything you can to this relationship. Know that when she old and has very limited mobility and bound to sitting in her chair, she will be remeniscing over her life. How many regrets do you think she will have because she has shunned her son and her lineage?

The only thing you can do is make sure your children have no regrets.. 'I wish I had sent grandma a Card for...' and that card can be Birthday, Grandparents day, Easter, Valentines Day and so on. Make sure the children send letters.. Look Grandma, here is a Picture of me at football, or dance class, my birthday party-(sorry you couldn't be here).

In making sure your children don't have any regrets you won't have any regrets.

brook

**annertak** · 12-27-2008, 01:47 PM

I think I would continue to have the kids send her stuff, and encourage them to communicate with her, but I would stop all the gifts you make for her. It sounds like you do it because you feel obligated, anyway, because you do it for everyone else. My feeling is, if everyone else is going to appreciate & acknowledge your hard work & effort, then they are the ones who should receive. If she truly enjoyed your gifts, then she could at least have the common decency to say thank you, no matter how much she doesn't like you.

I totally understand where you are coming from. My in-laws (one set), acknowledged my DS's high school graduation with their presence & $500. When it came time for my DD to graduate, they didn't even send a card. She didn't receive one word from them. On that day, they became dead to me. When it starts affecting the kids, that is the line in the sand for me. And yes, these things had been happening for years. I wish I'd not been so nice for so long.