What to do with MIL?

**iida** · 12-30-2008, 11:44 AM

We are not in a friendly relationship with my inlaws. They hate me. The last time we saw them was last year (2007) at Easter. They were wery nasty and told me that they don´t like me at all. Actually they shouted.

After that they have not kept any contact with us, but MIL has regularly put some money to our childrens bank accounts. Our kids are their only grandkids, since DH is an only child. This Christmas she put 250€ for each child and 500€ for DH.

I told DH that he should call his mother and thank her. He said no, and so did our kids. DH sent MIL an email to say thank you, though. He doesn´t want to talk to her. And the kids are a bit scared of them.

But, is it okay to take money from them and not give anything back? I feel a bit guilty, although I know, this is not my fault. They hate me for some odd reasons, my illness being one, and I can´t change that. I didn´t ask for cancer.

We tried to make peace with them last summer. We were going for a walk and decided to go and give MIL flowers, since she had had her last day at work and was retiring. They said that DH is welcome but I am not, because FIL had a high blood pressure already. So, DH didn´t go either.

What would you do?

**Cricketlegs** · 12-30-2008, 11:57 AM

I would stay away from them.

About the money, can you move it into another account and when or rather if, it all comes to a head you can just give it right back and wash your hands of them or you can just mail them a check now and fix the childrens accounts so she can't put money in them.

I hope your health imrpoves soon.

**PrairieRose** · 12-30-2008, 12:16 PM

That's a tough situation. If it were me, I'd encourage my dh to see them, call them on special occaissions or anytime that he feels the need or desire to....I'd give him a free pass to have a relationship with them. It will in no way change the way that they feel about 'you' but in your heart of hearts you'll know that you've done everything you can to make peace with them. I might even go so far as to write a nice card out and say something like 'whatever I've done to make you dislike me, I'm very sorry for'....and go on to say that they are free to have a relationship with your dh and your kids if that's the only way they can do it is without you.... You love your husband and kids and you want them to know their grandparents. They should be able to make their own minds up whether or not to know them in a close relationship---free of the guilt they may feel for being 'disloyal' to you if they do so. It's really a tough situation for your dh and your kids. I'm sorry it's so painful, it has to be.

**rainbowgc** · 12-30-2008, 12:22 PM

Anyone who is mad at someone for having cancer is really a piece of, shall we say to be nice, cake. With your illness, keep the $, don't feel guilty, these people are not worth your time.

**cab54** · 12-30-2008, 12:31 PM

They sound crazy. I agree with everything PrairieRose said.

**Nishu** · 12-30-2008, 12:36 PM

I'd keep the money and not worry about it. It sounds like you all were out of touch anyway so I doubt they were expecting the husband and kids to stop in with a big hug and say thanks.

**The Muse** · 12-30-2008, 12:52 PM

That's a tough situation! I thought I had it bad with my MIL, but she's nothing compared to yours.

In your position, I'd keep my distance, let DH do what he wants as long as it doesn't negatively affect the marriage, and make the kids write thank you notes for any gifts they receive.

Your inlaws are over the line, but I don't think it's OK for your children to accept a gift and not thank the giver properly. I had a great uncle whom I was scared of as a child, but every year, he sent me $50 for Xmas and I sent him a thank you note.

**Greebo** · 12-30-2008, 12:59 PM

If the in-laws want to give your kids money, but don't want to deal with you, that's their choice. Have the kids say thanks in an appropriate fashion, or thank them on the kids behalf, and think no more of it.

You owe nothing to your in-laws, just as they owe nothing to you. You married their son, but that does not make you beholden to them.

**Nishu** · 12-30-2008, 02:21 PM

Yeah actually I think Greebo is right. I don't allow my children to keep things that they don't thank people for. So... I would have your children send a thank you note but I absolutely wouldn't make them say it in person or call them.

QM · 12-30-2008, 02:26 PM

Originally Posted by Nishu

...So... I would have your children send a thank you note but I absolutely wouldn't make them say it in person or call them.

Since it seems that your in-laws are not in good talking terms with your family, I'd get my kids to each write a thank you and mail it to their grandparents. Maybe (to be nice) you could get them to draw a picture and include a recent photo of your kids.

**Greebo** · 12-30-2008, 02:30 PM

Originally Posted by Nishu

Yeah actually I think Greebo is right.

It MUST be Christmas!

**beks37** · 12-30-2008, 02:35 PM

All I can say is that your in-laws are really going to one day regret not spending time with their only son and only grandchildren when they had the chance. When they are old, frail, in a nursing home and need help....they will regret it. I think you are perfectly fine with accepting the money, just make sure the in-laws are thanked in some way. It sounds like a really crappy situation....

**phoeny_moonstar** · 12-30-2008, 02:38 PM

Personally, if she puts money in the children's accounts every year I would let her keep doing that and when the children turn 18/21 whatever I would give it all to them and let them know exactly who it came from. As for the IL's having a problem with you I would just wash my hands of it. Yes, I do think your children need to send the Gparents a thank you note though.