the past comes back sorry its long

**Lora88** · 01-07-2009, 07:05 AM

So a little history dh and I have been married 21 years I had 3 kids form my first marriage he had 2 boys from his first we have one son together who is the only one home he goes to college all the others are out on their own. Well to say dhs divorce from his first wife was horrible would be an understatement including physical violence (on her part) against dh and she even threw me down a flight of stairs she remarried and moved away and we had limited contact with dh sons she really poisioned thier mind against their father going as far as to tell the oldest that dh was not his dad dhs brother was that would be a good trick since dhs brother passed away 5 years before the kid was born. she told the youngest son that dh never wanted him etc etc. we lost touch with dhs sons for years after they became teenagers and wanted nothing to do with him which is not a surprise and I dont blame them at all. Well their mother passed away suddenly in May she was only 50 and to my surprise I actually felt bad about it Well guess who calls their dad in August my stepsons and now they want a relationship with their father. I am not against it after all they are his sons but they are both very fiancially needy and I cant help but think this is part of the reason for their return. Both are married and have children so dh is a grandpa and I am I dont know what. we have gotten together a fewtimes with his oldet son the younger one lives across country. the oldest is unemployed with 2 kids and a wife who doesnt work we are far from rich but we have a nice home and they are always asking to come for dinner and telling us how bad things are for them The youngest one just left his wife and 3 kids and I speak to her via email and she tells me hes not giving her any money to live on what do we do/ after all these years the bond has weakened and my dh is the nicest guy in the world and I dont want him hurt or used on the other hand I dont want him deprived of a relationship with the sons he lost a long time ago. sorry this is so long any suggestions thank you

**MandiDawn** · 01-07-2009, 07:19 AM

I say continue to invite for dinner, maybe on birthdays give a nice cash gift (whatever you can afford, $50 or $100?) If they ask for money, say simply that you can't afford it at this time.
They may just want a relationship with their father, and might not have any exterior motives. I wouldn't mess up a potential good thing thinking about what they could want.
Enjoy the new grandkids and maybe your life will be blessed by these new people entering into it.

**Momto2Boyz** · 01-07-2009, 08:02 AM

I agree, invite them for dinner, but don't offer financial help, except when you feel you want too, like birthdays, holidays, etc.

What you could offer them is budgeting help or any other financial skills you have. But remember sometimes people just need to blow off steam, and since you are family, they may feel safe complaining to you.

I remember a few years ago, when DH and I were both unemployed at the same time and our finances were in the toilet. My MIL happened to call while I was having a bad day, and I broke down to her on the phone. I just let it all out, and felt better after I did. A couple days later, we got a check in the mail from her for $500. I felt horrible. I called her back immediately, and tried to explain that I just needed someone to vent my frustrations too, I certainly wasn't looking for or asking for money. She said she understood (and I hope that was true), she and my FIL had been in our same position when they were first starting out with young kids, and she gave us the gift becuase she could and becuase she had wished someone would have given her a helping hand when they were in that position. To this day, I still feel horrible that she sent a check.

So, they may just feel the need to vent to you. I wouldn't be too concerned about it, unless they come right out and ask you for money...then you might want to question their motives. It could just be that losing their mom, gave them a new perspective on family, and they realized that if they don't get to know their dad, they may not get the chance later on.

I hope you guys settle into a relationship that works for everyone!

**bumplett** · 01-07-2009, 08:19 AM

I agree.

Enjoy them, but never give them money.

Invite them to dinner, maybe weekly, so they know they are cared for - but I would never give money.

If it's asked, simply say you aren't in a position give a loan at this time.

**rasilla** · 01-07-2009, 08:44 AM

Is there a way that you can help out in tangible, non-monetary ways? I know that when I got married, young, we had no clue and spent our first paychecks on paintball and then wondered why we didn't have groceries... we were clueless. I am grateful for my parents who when I called crying said, "love ya, have fun" - thankfully, they didn't give us too much advice unless we asked. We were kids (well, 20 year old kids) and I don't know if we would have listened until we were desperate and asked specific questions. They didn't offer any money but gave us some dried beans & dried soup mixes. My MIL gave us a crockpot and a cook book. Honestly, those were better for our long-term well-being than money ever could be. Make sure their kids are fed but besides that, mom & dad going hungry for a few meals isn't going to hurt them and may make them appreciate life more.

**Lora88** · 01-07-2009, 09:01 AM

Thanks for the suggestions I really appreciate the feedback we did give all the children christmas gifts and we have taken the oldest sons family out to eat we went to their apt the day after christmas to deliver the gifts to the kids and they didnt even offer us a cup of coffee lol they are not young his oldest is 28 the other son 26 I received an email yesterday from the oldest son saying things are really tight and when can they come over for dinner. I have to add that my children who are thank GOD very successful are not thrilled with this turn of events our youngest son who dh and I have together seems ambivelent either way of course he doesnt know his half brothers he is significantly younger than my kids from my first marriage but very close to them cause they practically helped raise him I will invite them for dinner the rgrand kids are adorable but somehow all of this brings back alot of very bad memories maybe Im being selfish but I have 2 parents with dementia I am caring for and feel overwhelmed thanks for listening

**kaykwilts** · 01-07-2009, 09:23 AM

For your husband's sake I would continue a relationship with the sons but would stop short of giving these kids money. You don't want these kids to "use' your husband. Too bad their mother poisoned them for so many years against their father.

**Grayce** · 01-07-2009, 10:58 AM

My DH was estranged from his mother and family for 10 years. In September his mother died suddenly at age 55. This has caused my DH and his brother to start rebuilding their relationship. They realized life is short. I imagine your DH's sons have had similar enlightenment due to their mother's death. I would encourage the relationship but I would not lend/give any money because it just leads to all sorts of problems when you lend money to family. Also if your DH's sons are really sincere in wanting to rebuild their relationships withe their father then money should not be a factor and they would not halt communication because money is not changing hands.

**phoeny_moonstar** · 01-07-2009, 11:16 AM

I agree with everyone else who has posted. I would invite them to dinner/lunch etc as much as you can afford but I would not give/lend them any money.

**momof2joys** · 01-07-2009, 11:18 AM

Don't give them money!!! I know when ever we are in trouble finanically, the last thing I want to do is ask my parents for money!! Number 1- they won't give it to us anyway, Number 2- I will get the "You need to manage your money better, set a budget, etc." speech, which is the last thing anyone wants to hear when they are already struggling!!

Encourage the relationship, but that is all!! Have you talked to DH about this?? Is he thinking the same thing or not?? I would address it with him, if you already haven't, just to make sure that you're both on the same level!!

**forHISglory** · 01-07-2009, 06:00 PM

Build relationships, but don't build financial expectations. If it ever comes up, just sweetly reply that you are not in a position to loan money.

**LastDragonfly** · 01-07-2009, 06:28 PM

Aaack I understand your frustration. (I have a similar situation).

I also agree not to give them $$$ unless you can verify it is truly an emergency and not just because it's poor stewardship on their part.

I also suggest that they dont view your relationship as "free food" once a week. Next time they ask for an invite tell them that you need to check your calendar due to some pre-arranged obligations. Schedule them to come over 10 days later.

I would also tell them they are welcome to come and visit with dad, but schedule the time around a non meal time kwim?

I wouldn't give them $$ unless I could see a budget in writing. Perhaps they would like to discuss it-over dinner. It is not unreasonable for you to mention in front of all of them that you expect to see some kind of financial responsibility. If they went to a bank or a payday loan they would be required to show re-payment plans and ability to repay.

Hugz!

**LuvMyHubby** · 01-07-2009, 07:18 PM

I agree with others, I would definately foster a relationship with them, it is not their fault that their mother was less than gracious during the divorce. I would not give or loan them money, just politely say that you are not in the position to do such.

I think that family dinners are great to bond. Do they ever bring something to contribute to the meal? I agree penascodragonfly, that if they continue to invite themselves I would not drop everything to feed them but invite them on a day of your choosing.

If they are on the up and up and really, truly wish to forge a new relationship with their father and his family they will do so without the the promise of financial help.