Does anyone have children in trouble with the law?

**homemaker66** · 01-10-2009, 06:54 AM

I have a son 19 who is always in trouble with the law and now he has really done it now. He is court order to do weekends in jail Friday @ 4 pm until Monday @ 6 am. On Thursday he stole from a store and got arrested again so now he is in trouble some more. Yesterday I talked him into of going and getting evaluated in the mental health becuase he does have behavior issues, but when the doctor asked me how I felt I told him that I was torn and I don't think that my DS had alot of issues that he has done this to himself. So now I feel that I threw him under the bus sort of speaking. So they did not keep him and he had to go to jail anyways being friday. I took him over kicking and screaming all the way I saw him go into the jail then I left. A short time after I got a call that he had ran away and still right now he is still on the run. I am beating myself up and I feel that I failed him at the mental health that I did not protect my DS. But in the back of my mind he did this to himself. SO I was wondering does anyone else know what I am feeling and how I am going to live myself because I did not give more effort yesterday. I have tried over and over and over again trying to help him I even begged a judge to give him one more try and this is what happens. Now on Thursday he is going to Prison my god how can I live with this!!

**Patty A** · 01-10-2009, 07:14 AM

First of all let me say, your an awesome MOM! Stop beating yourself up over all this, it isn't your fault. Believe me, if I thought it was you or your fault I would tell you, but you have no blame in this. When we try to protect our kids we do it as instinct, its part of being a mother.

Next thing to remember is this, kids have their own minds! You can teach them, tell them, show them, and drag them. But it all boils down to they will pick what they do ALL on their own. Its not like your talking about a little kid that you can FORCE to do what you want them to. At 19 this kid has a mind of his own, and no matter what you say or do he will do what he is going to do. As far as the mental health issues, at least in jail they can FORCE him to get help! Some things are just out of our hands, even when we try our best, its still up to them to decide how to use the imformation we give them. Stop the blame game with yourself, you are NOT to blame. And as far as living with all this, you know you have done your best.....it isn't your fault, he has done this to himself and he is the only one that can help himself. Its time to think about you, you have done all you can.

**FrugalMomof3** · 01-10-2009, 07:50 AM

Let me just tell you that you are not a bad person so stop beating yourself up over this.

On that note, my son who will be turning only 18 on 1/16 is actually in jail right now until 2010, for theft. He too has been a problem child throughout his teens years and we got him mental health help and everything else you can think of and it might have worked for a couple months but he then went back to his old ways and habits.

Now he is paying the price and YES I miss him terribly but all-in-all I know he did this to himself, there is nothing that us as parents can do but just love our children no matter what they do.

Just keep your head up, I also want to add that taking my son to all these mental health places didnt help at all, in some way I felt that these doctors making him take ADD or ADHA medicines and all this other junk hurt him more, so please think about this before letting him take these medicines as sometimes Dr's assume they have something but all these really want is another.

**ladykemma2** · 01-10-2009, 08:36 AM

Originally Posted by homemaker66

I have a son 19 who is always in trouble with the law and now he has really done it now. He is court order to do weekends in jail Friday @ 4 pm until Monday @ 6 am. On Thursday he stole from a store and got arrested again so now he is in trouble some more. Yesterday I talked him into of going and getting evaluated in the mental health becuase he does have behavior issues, but when the doctor asked me how I felt I told him that I was torn and I don't think that my DS had alot of issues that he has done this to himself. So now I feel that I threw him under the bus sort of speaking. So they did not keep him and he had to go to jail anyways being friday. I took him over kicking and screaming all the way I saw him go into the jail then I left. A short time after I got a call that he had ran away and still right now he is still on the run. I am beating myself up and I feel that I failed him at the mental health that I did not protect my DS. But in the back of my mind he did this to himself. SO I was wondering does anyone else know what I am feeling and how I am going to live myself because I did not give more effort yesterday. I have tried over and over and over again trying to help him I even begged a judge to give him one more try and this is what happens. Now on Thursday he is going to Prison my god how can I live with this!!

at some point you have to let them go, including having them leave your home. I think the best thing you can do is to kick him out of the house and let him hit his bottom.

in a backhanded way everytime you "help", you interfere with his getting better. you interfere with his spiritual journey. you interfere with his maturity.

let him go splat. learn to sit on your hands and not "help". May i recomend AlAnon?

**nvmommyx6** · 01-10-2009, 09:14 AM

None of my children have this problem, however, I did!
And my parents practiced the tough love act on me, if you pick him up everytime he falls as an adult he will suck you dry and lifeless!

My folks did not practice the tough love act with my sister and she is now 41 and still sucking the life out of them, I on the other hand have grown up and faced my deamons!
You are not a bad person or parent, make him pay for his actions, this IS the only way people learn anything in life.

Just know you did do the right thing!

**mombottoo** · 01-10-2009, 10:27 AM

(((((HUGS))))) There comes a time in every person's life where they know the difference between right & wrong and 19 is well past that age. As parents all we can do is raise them and hope that they are able to make something out of themselves once they get to be adults. One of my sons was in & out of trouble from the time he was 19 until he was 25 (he'll be 33 next week)...that's when he went to prison. He is ADHD and once he was on his own the structure we had provided was gone and he didn't cope well with making good choices.

Sometimes behavior issues are due to mental conditions, did you throw him under the bus? Nope...he went for a screening and if your son had issues it was up to the screener to find them no matter what input you gave. Now, since your son made a poor choice by absconding he will have to be the one to pay the price and if that means going to prison, that's what he will have to do.

It won't be easy for either of you and it will suck in a big way. When they led my son off to take him to prison I felt like my world was falling apart. But, never did I feel responsible because "he" made the choices "he" made, not me. It's all about personal responsibility and the sooner your son learns this, the sooner he will stay out of trouble.

My son did a lot of growing up in the 2 years he was in prison...and he knows that if he ever does anything to end up back in prison he will be one lonely individual. If there is a next time, I won't visit or write and he will be on his own completely. I won't put myself through that scenario ever, ever again.

**Megareader** · 01-10-2009, 10:44 AM

Know that none of this is your fault. We all make choices in life and have to accept the consequences. Your son is 19, definitely old enough to realize what he is doing and know right from wrong. His actions are what got him in this situation, not your actions.

3 years ago dd got in trouble for shoplifting. 2 years ago she got in more trouble for minor-in-posession-of-alcohol. I was, and still am, horrified about what she chose to do. Each time she had to deal both with the courts and her dad and I. She will be 20 in a few days and to be around her now you wouldn't think she would have ever done those things, her attitude has improved that much. She is in college and getting excellent grades. She also has a part time job.

My point is dd made poor choices, learned from them, and turned herself around. Your son can do the same but it has to be his choice to change.

**homemaker66** · 01-10-2009, 10:49 AM

Thank you everyone for the great words of wisdom. It is so hard to go through this and it seems like there is drama everyday with this kid. I need to learn not to blame myself and alonon is a great place to start. This is one of the hardest things I have to go through but knowing that my FV family is there to help and give support this makes me feel alittle better. I will keep you updated. For everyone who has been there with their children GOD BLESS YOU.

**emily_hope** · 01-10-2009, 11:09 AM

I don't think you are a bad Mother at all. Your son has made his own choices in life and he has made some wrong choices. We all do. Some choices are just much worse than others. Try not to beat yourself up for this. It is NOT your fault.

My DStepson got into drug-related trouble about 5 years ago. He spent 3 months in the county jail and 9 months at a boot camp. His Dad, my DH, had always gotten him out of trouble. This time he couldn't and it turned out to be for the best. My DStepson straightened up his act. Of course, being on probation for 15 years has helped him stay on track. He knows if he does anything to get into trouble he will have to serve out his probation in prison. He never wants to go there again. This was very hard on my DH and myself. We chose NOT to bail him out of jail. He stayed in until his hearing. The time he had served in the county jail counted towards his sentence and instead of a year at boot camp, he only served 9 months there. We also did not fork out thousands of dollars on a lawyer. He was appointed a lawyer by the court. Did we feel bad? Oh yes! But he had just about drained us dry in all ways. It was the hardest thing we've done, but it turned out to be the best thing we've done for him. You do have to let them make their own mistakes and let them suffer the consequences for their actions.

**anna021** · 01-10-2009, 11:22 AM

Been there, done that, many years ago. Tough love is the only way to go, The first time my son got in terrible, I warned him that I would never visit him in jail, he knew and knows right from wrong, he got in terrible anyway, all his own doing, couldn't blame it on anyone but himself. I did let him swing, so to speak, he had to do his time, I never once went to see him, but.....he always knew he was loved and if and when he was ready to turn it around we would be there, and we were. There has been many times in his adult life when he has thanked us for being tough and making him stand up and take responsibility for what he'd done. Sometimes the hardest thing as a parent is walking away from your child. You know their going to fall and your natural reaction is to pick them up or to catch them before they fall, but they need that fall, they heal and hopefully learn from it. Oh, guilt, I had a ton of it, and I might have been crying when I turned to walk away, but I walked, and I believe it made all the difference in how my child turned out today. A good Man, husband and father.

**Gardengal18** · 01-10-2009, 11:43 AM

Thankfully no we don't. Both our parents raised us to respect them and others especially those in authority OR ELSE!! And we have done the same with our brood. I have a couple of girlfriends though who do have kids that are a real problem and one is 21 and yes, she's sucking the living life out of her mother and probably will for the rest of her life. My girlfriend has a problem (and always has) saying NO! My other girlfriend (who happens to be the other one's sister) also has a major problems with her 15 year old daughter. Now looking back both my friend's mother was not exactly a shining example for them, left them to fend for themselves and was more on the selfish side to be quite honest. Maybe that has something to do with how they always gave and still give into their kids?

My Aunt and Uncle were also not as lucky, but when my Cousin turned 18 my Uncle literally dragged HER down to the Armed Services and made her sign up. Twenty something years later and my Cousin now says that it was the best thing that could have ever happened to her and more than likely saved her life!

Good luck I'm sure it's not easy.

**Nana2two** · 01-10-2009, 12:02 PM

I went through something with my daughter she was 19 drinking and got busted.The best thing i did was step back and not bail her out, let suffer and pay the fines, not that i don't love her, She is my baby girl, but she had to learn the hard way. These days parents are to quick to get there kids out of trouble. Not saying this is your siduation. I would has a mom help him when ask but he needs to also work to help himself.

**mombottoo** · 01-10-2009, 12:18 PM

Originally Posted by Gardengal18

Thankfully no we don't. Both our parents raised us to respect them and others especially those in authority OR ELSE!! And we have done the same with our brood.

I know it probably wasn't intentional, but this statement makes you sound like you think those of us who have had children who got/get into trouble didn't/don't teach our children to respect us, others and those in authority. That is so not true for us, our son was a model citizen, Order of the Arrow Boy Scout and the whole nine yards prior to getting into trouble. Making it sound like we didn't raise our children right, is insensitive.

**writtenonmybody** · 01-10-2009, 12:27 PM

I feel for some of the posts I read here today. I have a 14 year old son. Super caring kid, funny, to totally lovable. However, he has been diagnosed with ODD this past year and I have him in therapy for it as well as anger management. My goal with it is to help him as soon as possible so I can stop some future troubles in his life. He doesn't get into fist fights with people nothing like that. Just has a problem with those who have authority over him. He hasn't been known to steal anything or anything like that but if we just ignored his behaviors/cries for help mentally I'm failing him. It's been a struggle for me because I wonder all the time what I could have done or could do differently. His father (Not my husband) has it also. Has gotten help and is doing well for many many years.

It pains me to see him struggle and at times wonder where he'll end up in his life if he doesn't get the proper help. So far his school, us, our family, and his doctors have been very supportive in helping him. I don't plan on giving up on him ever. I've been thankful that others feel the same way.

It's so easy to feel so alone in parenting a troubled teen/young adult. But I come here today and I don't feel so alone. I feel like I could learn something and am blessed with others who have been there, are there and understand the struggle. I thank you all for that.

**Gardengal18** · 01-10-2009, 12:32 PM

Originally Posted by mombottoo

I know it probably wasn't intentional, but this statement makes you sound like you think those of us who have had children who got/get into trouble didn't/don't teach our children to respect us, others and those in authority. That is so not true for us, our son was a model citizen, Order of the Arrow Boy Scout and the whole nine yards prior to getting into trouble. Making it sound like we didn't raise our children right, is insensitive.

No I certainly didn't mean it to sound like that. Just stating the facts surrounding my and my DH's upbringing.

One also has to understand though that when we grew up it was a different world back then. Children didn't DARE talk back to their parents (now a days they call the cops on their parents if they try to discipline them) and if the kids were the least bit rude to another adult, teacher or other authority figure? Well, the parents certainly didn't' run out and buy the kids a gift (now a days it's an I-phone, a car, an I-Pod etc etc) at the next possible opportunity as I see happen all too often these days.

I remember once I was experimenting in school with smoking (and what kid hasn't?) and got caught. It was a month before my birthday party. Needless to say after my behind was swatted for embarrassing my parents and having them called down to the school, there was no birthday party. My parents canceled it. They did however make me a cake and sing "Happy Birthday" to me, but that was It. I learned my lesson. Much different world these days.