11 year old attitude!! (Sorry-very long)

**momof2joys** · 01-11-2009, 01:12 PM

Okay, first of all I'll give you a little background: My 11 year old step-daughter lives with us, dh has full custody of her, has since she was 4, has lived with us since then also. Well, I don't know if it is just the age or what, but I am seriously considering sending her to a teen boot camp for her attitude!!

On Friday she had a letter (I page typed letter) sent home from her teacher, saying how she had caught dd in a lie at school. DD lied to her teacher and blamed another teacher for it (well as teachers do, she checked with the other teacher and found out that that teacher didn't do what dd had accused her of), so she confronted dd again about the issue, dd continued to lie about it. Hence the letter home. The letter also stated that the teacher was expecting an apology letter to both teachers. (of which I believe is fair, it's something that we were going to have her do anyway).

Moving onto Friday night, we confront dd with the information, she then lies to us about it. We gave her multiple chances to tell the truth, but continued to lie. I called the teacher, just to check and verify the story, then called the other teacher for her side. So we gave dd her punishment- grounded- no using her mp3 player, no computer, no movies, nothing-grounded!!! She was orginally grounded for 1 month, but with her attitude and comments made she is now grounded for 2 1/2 months!! Comments made were as follows: "I am NOT going to be grounded", "I'll do whatever I want", "I will NOT write the apology letters to the teachers", etc. Plus, during this whole time she is stomping her feet, hit things, etc.

So, here is my problem, she is pretty much acting like this all the time, does not care, at all, about anything. She is litterally on the verge of repeating 5th grade. We have talked to her and nothing! Nothing is wrong, nothing is going on, she just doesn't feel like doing anything!! What would you do??? How would you handle this situation?? I know that if I would have said those things at her age, I would have gotten my mouth slapped, and washed out with soap, plus I would have been grounded!!

What do you think???

**madhen** · 01-11-2009, 01:25 PM

Wow, that is a tough one. Has she always been difficult or is this a new development?

Has she ever admitted to the original lie to you? If so, I guess I'd want to first figure out why she kept lying. I wonder if she is more respectful to her teachers (more of an authority figure)? Maybe a teacher-parent get-together with her there, and give her an opportunity to participate. Eleven is certainly old enough to understand her actions.

**joyofsix** · 01-11-2009, 01:34 PM

My $.02. I have a 10 yo that while not lying or doing poorly in school has a will of iron. I have found that extending the punishment doesn't really have any more effect than the original. Actually I have found 3 days is as effective as a whole summer. And I admit to slapping her sassy mouth which didn't even phase her. I usually just say what is going to happen and ignore whatever comes after. Mine at least is just dying to get into a knock down drag out and if I won't bite she will eventually calm down. If I buy into her gig it's an 8 hour (literally) event. So, what I have found after alot of trial and error.
1) State the infringement, state the punishment, and stick to it.
2) Later when she is calmer explain what she did wrong and that the reason I am punishing her is that I love her and want her life to be better.
3) Repeat as often as necessary.
My dd claims she doesn't know why she flys into a rage and while it's happening she hates it but can't stop herself. It has gotten much, muchbetter since I quit trying to get her to relent and just tell her how it's going to be. I'm not sure if that helps.

Some kids just need parents more than others.

**Jskell911** · 01-11-2009, 02:12 PM

First let me state that other than at one point BEING an 11 yr old girl, I have no experience with girls. OK, that said, 11 is a tough age. The hormones are just asserting themselves and many do not know how to handle them. Also, this is when fitting in becomes huge esp with girls. They are experiencing a LOT of changes.

Also, I have learned with my son (Aspie, touch of OCD, and other issues) that they lash out and defy the boundaries of those they love and respect the most. Hence, issues with teachers and parents. Stand firm. I agree with joyofsix here! They do not respond well when you act emotionally at all. You are just setting yourself up for a prolonged battle.

What worked most with my son was consistancy, calmness (even if I had to go cry in bathroom later LOL), and a firm no nonsense approach.

I wish you luck. Hopefully, it is just growing pains and as long as you set a positive tone, will resolve itself soon.

**LastDragonfly** · 01-11-2009, 02:14 PM

Girl I'm sorry. I think it's great that the teacher wanted to keep you abreast of the situation at school, but I think she should have called you also. My suggestion is to have a meeting with teacher without dd. Meet with the other teacher also AND the school counselor and principal without dd. Then invite dd in with all of you and give her an opportunity to give her side of the story. It's really hard to lie in front of EVERYONE all at the same time.

Personally, I think long term punishment in the form of groundation is more punishment for you than for the kid. Or that's been my experience anyway. It kinda makes you the warden. kiwm? I would give her an opportunity to EARN her way out of her groundedness or let her choose to be grounded for the whole term. Come to those terms in writing and have her sign it, you sign it too and so when the terms of the agreement are met (or not met) there wont be any lapse of memory (on her part)

If you need to vent we are here for you.

**mombottoo** · 01-11-2009, 02:32 PM

If this is not normal behavior for her then my guess is that something "is/has" gone on that you do not know about. A child's behavior generally does not change that dramatically unless there is a reason.

Is lying, stomping & being mouthy normal behaviors for her? If it's not try talking to her to find out what the heck is going on. If it is normal behavior for her then it's time to have her evaluated by a reputable mental health expert that deals with kids.

I would make it clear to her that at 11 years old, she really doesn't have a choice when it comes to writing the apology letters or the punishment...but, personally I think 2 1/2 months is a long time to be grounded along with the other stuff.

**IntlMom** · 01-11-2009, 02:59 PM

****sigh*****
I am dealing with EXACTLY the same thing with my older ds10.....

lying to the point of I'm not even sure he sees the line between what's truth and what's not anymore
pestering
rolling on the flooring squeaking and squealing for who knows why
defiance
hitting his siblings
trying to control his siblings
and on and on and on and on.......

so, yea, I hear ya!

Hubby wants to send him to boot camp too! He has ADHD and pieces of ODD and sensory integration issues...... basically, he makes me feel like a big fat lousy failure of a mom every single day. Thanks for the advice that others gave, it's what I try to do, but sometimes, I just need a remimder too.

((hugs))

**redhead68** · 01-11-2009, 03:13 PM

My dd claims she doesn't know why she flys into a rage and while it's happening she hates it but can't stop herself.

That sounds very much like hormonal fluctuations, which I experience myself on occasion.

My daughter is a little bit younger than the OP's, but I have begun to see this behavior, too. She doesn't lie (that I know of), but screams and generally acts obnoxious. I find that staying calm works best. I acknowledge that she is having a hard time and suggest that she spend some time in her room until she feels able to handle social interaction. During calmer moments, I explain that her feeling are normal, but that she may not use that as an excuse to torture others. Furthermore, we will all understand if she needs some time alone to deal with her emotions.

Hang in there. My mom swears it will get better.

**my4littlebuffaloes** · 01-11-2009, 04:41 PM

Unfortunately we are dealing with the same thing from my 10 year old son. I'm sorry you are going through this. It got so bad for us, I quit homeschooling him and put him back in school. at least now I get a break from getting yelled at. And it isn't like we let him get away with it either, we are constantly punishing him. It is so hard to be a parent.

**brook** · 01-11-2009, 05:00 PM

raising 7 children at all different ages when they came to me... lie, cheat, steal, hit.. you name it and we had it.

Here is an 11 year old girl that was rejected by her mother at age 4 (or sooner) it doesn't matter if the mother died, didn't want her, was on drugs, or what ever... she left! this weighs heavy on this girls heart. Of course she is angry.... she needs someone to talk to.. some one that has nothing to gain, will not repeat what is told. She needs to be in therapy. While this takes time, she will open up to the therapist and it will help.

Grounding... and adding time to time to time to time.. next thing you know she is grounded for the next 42 years! instead of grounding, try pulling weeds or mowing the lawn. With a girl there is no reason she can't do yard work or clean the garage.. but.. work side by side with her. I loved the help!

when I had projects for the kids that didn't matter... clean goat pens, turn the compost pile, haul dirt, wash the car, you know things that if the kids were mad they couldn't break.. they worked alone. Things I cared about.. we worked together. though many times I worked with the kids side by side. We got closer, they opened up.

If the kids told the truth we didn't get to upset at what ever they did. We talked about what lesson did you learn, was there another way out of this situation, how could it have been handled differently.. the punishment was then very minor... Lying begets labor above and beyond chores.

It is hard when parents reject their children.. Mommy's are the worst. It doesn't matter if you have had her since she was 4 and is 11 now that is only 7 years! a lifetime to her! When all her friends have a Mom, she can't talk about hers.. I am not saying she doesn't love you, doesn't consider you her Mom but she is hurt because she has a step mom and a 'real mom'.

Always listening to her friends.. my mom this and my mom that.. and she has to say 'either your name.. Sue, my step mom....' and this becomes her life "sue and I ....." or "Sue bought me....." and the kids that don't know say.. 'who is Sue?'

Try a girls day out... pick a day once a week when it is girls day out! go to lunch.. lots of restaurants with lunch specials.. go get a shake or hot fudge sundae! go shopping.. thrift stores are a blast! go to one after lunch.. buy don't buy.. spend the time together, finish buy grocery shopping. It is the togetherness.. it has to be kept up and in time she will smile again. Lunch is when we talk about stuff! doesn't matter.. silly things.. girl talk.

After 4 girls and 3 boys, I now have wonderful kids! We can laugh now all the antics and of course, I blame them for all my gray hair! and my missing wooden spoons!

You also have hormones to deal with... it might be time to shop for that first bra? she has a lot going on in her head. Will she ever let you in? perhaps. One thing I found I can't be her Mother she has one, I can't be her friend because I need to in authority.. but I can be her Mentor!

**momofslg** · 01-11-2009, 05:09 PM

My neighbor went through this last year with her daughter. Daughter would lie, not do homework and then fail tests. Fail tests on purpose stating that "I am in charge of my life not you. If I want to fail then it's my choice so leave me alone."
Neighbor cried on my shoulder almost daily and I was there for her.
The only thing that worked was having a conference with parents, daughter, ALL teachers, guidance counselor, and principal. Daughter couldn't lie with out being "called out"
That said, it lasted a little over a year and now this year daughter is doing much better. Daughter even said "I don't know what came over me last year. I think I just went crazy"
Personally I think hormones have a lot to do with it too.

**annertak** · 01-11-2009, 06:36 PM

I guess I'm a little different in that I would tend to believe my daughter before I'd believe the teachers....IF my daughter was sticking to the story repeatedly. Some of the teachers my DD had were not above blaming her and labeling her, rather than finding out what may really be going on, and they tend to stick together. IMO, if a child thinks you will stand behind them, and that they have someone in their corner, they are more likely to open up about most things. I got pretty good at reading my DD and the situations, so I wasn't just running off willy-nilly blaming everyone else for her problems. The trick to it is to stay realistic about your child. My DD is 18 now, in college, and recently thanked me because she always knew I was on her side.

All that said, we did have our share of hormone meltdowns! LOL!

**my4littlebuffaloes** · 01-11-2009, 06:42 PM

Brook, awesome advice!

**Gardengal18** · 01-11-2009, 07:09 PM

WOW Kids these days huh?

Can't say I have much advice since I set a policy early on that behavior like that would simply NOT be tolerated, and it's not. Stick to your guns on this one and DON'T give in. She'll get the idea eventually.

I remember once watching my 8 year old God-Daughter one weekend. When it was time for a bath and bed time she gave me such a hard time. I threatened to call her mom and bring her home and her reply was "go ahead, see if I care!" AND, this is the best one, "YOUR NOT THE BOSS OF ME!" HELLO????? My own kids don't and have never spoken to me that way! I told her she'd better get her behind in the tub "NOW!!!!" and when she did I immediately called her Mom. I asked her mom where does she learn these things? You know what the answer was? "from school. Yes, I know, she's been coming home from school lately with this attitude and when I asked her she told me her teacher told the kids that "they are their own person" and that "nobody is the Boss of them and can tell them what to do!" After she had dried off, yes I drove her HOME!. That was the end of that slumber party for her! To this day she has never given me an inkling of a problem ever again.

I so believe in Homeschooling children these days exactly for reasons such as this.