Ederly parents I dont know what to do

**Lora88** · 01-15-2009, 02:04 PM

I am at the end of my rope my dad is 90 my mom 91 dad is currently in a nursing home in Staten Island recovering from a broken knee cap.My mom lives in Brooklyn I live in New Jersey. Both of my parents suffer from dementia but not to the point where it is bad. I have been going to the nursing home 4x a week my brother goes the days I do not. Of course my dad wants to go home but he is now incontinent. my mom is nearly blind from macular degeneration. My mom is extremely hard to deal with and can be verbally abusive to my dad. However my dad still wants to go home. I have offerred to hire them help however they dont want anyone in their home They have money so that is not the issue I tried for years to get them to move to NJ but my mom refused. I even offered for them to live with me (God helpme) so i could take care of them but mom wouldnt do that . I am very confused on what to do now My dad lost 30lbs last year because even though my brother and I would bring them food he was not eating properly and not taking his medication. The nursing home will let him go home eventually but Im afraid it will be back to the same lousy situation. I have talked to lawyers and social service and you reaally cant make people do anything they dont want to do I am so angry at my mom for making the situation harder than it has to be. I just dont know waht to do anyone with expierence along these lines HELP

**thefrug** · 01-15-2009, 02:22 PM

wow. I'm so sorry. I have no idea what to tell you. Do you think you could get your dad to live with you and you could get in home help for him then? Maybe tell him the heats broken at home or something. I dunno. Both my folks are dead so I'm only guessing here. Hope you work it out. Good luck.

**mombottoo** · 01-15-2009, 02:25 PM

(((((HUGS))))) How about an assisted living center? Your parents would still have their own space and there would be help around if they needed it. Other than that the only thing I can come up with is having a live-in attendant at their home...which it doesn't sound like they'd be too keen about.

My dad is only 70 (my mom is deceased), but he already suffers from the beginning stages of dementia...makes him very, very difficult to deal with. Especially since he doesn't acknowledge that he is having issues with memory, etc.

My heart goes out to you and your family members, watching a parent age in this manner is heartbreaking.

**LastDragonfly** · 01-15-2009, 02:26 PM

your parents physcians can help you. Talk to them. They will take it better from the drs than you or your brother. Their physicians can also help you with social services.

I'm sorry and vent to us any time you need to do so.

**homesteadmamma** · 01-15-2009, 02:37 PM

No advise here, just wanting to send some {{{hugs}}}}. It's so difficult as our parents age.

**fixer** · 01-15-2009, 03:12 PM

Originally Posted by Penascodragonfly

your parents physcians can help you. Talk to them. They will take it better from the drs than you or your brother. Their physicians can also help you with social services.

I'm sorry and vent to us any time you need to do so.

I agree with the Glue Mistress. My parents will listen to other people long before they listen to me. If they ask, things are all right. If I offer unsolicited advice, they resist. If you could get a doctor or someone from the clergy they trust, they may be more receptive. Best of luck, I really feel for you.

**Teresa T** · 01-15-2009, 03:20 PM

This may sound cold, but you do not have to give your life up to take care of your parents. I'm sorry but you don't. You don't owe them that.

Speak to the discharge planner/ social service at the nursing home. If they have the money an assisted living may work. They have different levels of care in those places.

At home your parents may fall, burn the house down, OD themselves on their medication as they will quickly forget they took it and then take it again. And can you imagine if they think they can still drive?!

Eventually they may need long term care. Modern medication is wonderful in so many ways and then in others it keeps people going just to end up like this.

**Greebo** · 01-15-2009, 03:59 PM

Can you have them legally incompetent to act in their own best interest?

**pip** · 01-15-2009, 04:19 PM

My cousin contacted the county to do an assessment on her mother because she was showing signs of Alzheimers and wasn't taking care of herself. They did and she ended up having a legal guardian to make decisions for her. She did end up in a memory unit in a facility but she is much safer, eating, etc. It was difficult to watch all of that happen, but her daughter was not/ did not want to care for her. It was the best thing for her, I believe.

**celina** · 01-15-2009, 04:36 PM

i went through this with my mom..
--they are grownups and they are allowed to make their decisions, even if they end up being fatal....they have that right...
--sometimes with them having each other its better and easier, some times its worse...
--- you are doing your best, i'd talk to their drs..didnt make a difference in my mom's case, she ignored him, lied to him...and his hands were either tied or he didnt care to pursue it..

--make sure the house is being kept clean and hygienic...a service maybe...they can help by noticing if the sheets are being soiled etc...

--it just plain sucks doesnt it....they won't listen to us, we are their kids,...they remember the day we are born and they resent the fact the roles are reversed...

--my mom's choices ended up causing her death, she waited too long, moved in with me and after 2 weeks tumbled down the stairs and died..ends up she had been self medicating with alcohol for years, the dementia was coupled with liquor..we thought it was worse dementia..and we had left to run errands and she binged and fell down the stairs....aug 07...took me a LONG time to stop blaming myself...but i always said before when she was on her own..she had to right to chose her life on her terms...

**MommyBliss** · 01-15-2009, 04:56 PM

I would talk to their doctors and start the ball rolling with social services in their county. They will be able to talk to the doctors and evaluate your parents. Social services can intervene and hel you get guardianship of them.

QM · 01-15-2009, 04:57 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

Can you have them legally incompetent to act in their own best interest?

That's what my dad and aunt had to do to make their parents' decisions. It's a very sad and hard time in life when you have to make these choices. I can't imagine having to do this with my parents, but I know that the day will come if the Lord be not come.

My grandpa and grandma had a couple PSW's living off and on in their home for a while, but that didn't work out. My grandpa was very mean (because of his dementia) and didn't like the girls. My grandma was no better. What ended up happening (and this is the short story) is my grandpa (because of his physical aggression which was not what he was like when he was healthy) had to go to the local "psychiatric hospital" so they could play around with his medicines and get them right. It took a couple years before my grandparents were in the same nursing home, and even then they were on different floors. Another year later (after much work on my dad and aunt's part) they ended up together in a nursing home room. My grandpa now suffers from severe Alzheimer’s and my grandma is very confused because of her dementia.

All I can do is sympathize. Since it was parents and aunt/uncle who dealt with the nitty gritty I can't help you much.

((HUGS))

**brook** · 01-15-2009, 05:13 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

Can you have them legally incompetent to act in their own best interest?

Greebo is correct. You need to talk their Doctor(s). It will take a bit of time and paper work, an appearance in court (sometimes or the court will take the recommendation right from the doctor). You or your Brother need to decide which one will have the power of attorney.

Assisted living may be best and perhaps somewhere half way between you and your brother? or at least close to you both.

You may need to consult an attorney on this and it is worth the money to get legal advice. Each state is different.

this is a subject that needs to be discussed with parents early on.
There are wills and living trusts.. do a living trust! but talk to an attorney.

**Lora88** · 01-16-2009, 06:14 AM

First I want to thank all of you for responding the kindness of the people on this board never fails to amaze me. My mom also drinks she has fallen quite a few times every time we take her to the hospital she is over the legal limit. Greebo my brother and I have talked about declaring them incompetent and I guess it may come to that soon On a purely selfish note I have raised 4 kids 3 are done with college and successfully out on theirown the youngest is in college now I thought I was almost done and dh and I could have some time together . I guess I am angry that as they say in the Godfather "Just when I think Im finally out they pull me back in" To all of you out there plan ahead my parents didnt the nursing home where my dad is now is 310.00 dollars a day medicare will pay for 100 days and after that you become either a medicaid patient or a self pay . In order to be a selfpay you have to have less than 100,000.00. Your house is exempt as long as your spouse is still alive and lives there If not you forfeit your home to the nursing home Buy long term insurance if you want to protect your assets for your children.

**Lora88** · 01-16-2009, 06:20 AM

Sorry I meant to say in order to qualify ifor medicaid you have to have less than 100,000.00 in assets and your income from all sources has to be less than 2600. a month My parents are wealthy but they will go thru their money like water and I know thats not what my dad wanted but He thought he was gonna live forever and nothing bad would happen to him. If you could see the people in the nursing home they are like walking zombies I sometimes wonder If modern medicine is doing the right thing by keeping them going I pray my children will never have to deal with this with me I am going to buy long term insurance its costly and I dont have alot of money but I will manage