the rock and the hard place

**Lora88** · 02-07-2009, 05:09 PM

Im very down and I thought I would post here for some thoughts and encourgement as you guys are always so caring and awesome. Well they are going to discharge my dad from the nursing home as he refuses to do his physical therapy for his injured knee (he suffers from dementia and is getting harder to deal with Actually he could stay but would have to be a self pay 315.00 dollars a day and that would deplete his money rather quickly My mom is still alive and quite healthy and I worry that there wont be anything left for her I live in a 2 story home and the family feeling is I should take them both into live with me I have no idea how I can manage this My dad is incontient and has great diffuculty with stairs but the alternative is to leave him in the nursing home and pay the 10,000.00 a month I only have 1 brother who is unmarried and working so guess who gets to make the sacrifice I dont wnat to be selfish or heartless but unless you have dealt with this you cannot know how hard it is. I really would like to relocate to Pa where my daughter lives but Im afraid with the economy my dh wont be able to find a job that easily So the questions are Do i move and take our chances do i stay where Im unhappy and the house is really not suited to take in my parents but my hubby has a good job. Do i take in my parents or Do I leave my dad in the nursing and just hope for the best as far as money goes I really feel no matter what choice I make I will be unhappy with something I am so sad I cant even think straight Thanks for listening

**Spirit Deer** · 02-07-2009, 05:44 PM

Would you be able to take your mom in and leave your dad in the nursing home? If you aren't trained to care for someone with dementia who also needs physical therapy, it seems like you might be in over your head rather quickly. Also, if you take him out of the nursing home, will he have to wait for a bed if he has to go back in?

Good luck. I know it's not easy.

**checks** · 02-07-2009, 06:23 PM

You might want to check out how your father could "gift" all his assests and then apply for medical assistance.

There are lawyers that deal with Gifting. It's set up so that he can give his inheritance to his wife or children before he dies and then stay in the nursing home and qualify for medical assistance. There is a three month wait to be able to qualify once the gifting is done.

I know this can be done in Maryland. Not sure where you live, but call around to see if you can find a lawyer who knows about gifting.

Best to all of you.

**heartofmine** · 02-07-2009, 06:37 PM

Lora you have my sincere sympathy in this. I'm dealing with something similar with my fil only we are caring for him in his own home going and staying every other night...every 3 nights since we hired someone to come in every 3rd night. We have to pay 2 different care givers taking time about to come in during the days. He has Parkinsons and Dementia...a brain anuerism too. He can't do anything for himself and wears diapers all the time. There are only 2 children still living...my dh and his sis and both refuse to put him in a nursing home. We are paying his caregivers out of fil's savings but its going fast at over $5000.00 a month. A nursing home with full care wouldn't be that much more here. After his money is gone we will have no choice as neither child has that kind of money at all. Dh's sis is disabled so its actually her dh that cares for fil when they are there. Dh stays nights but still has to work. Its killing all of us. I was going until my blood pressure got so high I was near having another stroke and my doctor was aggravated. He couldn't believe I in my condition was having to care for my fil. I no longer go and dh has to do it alone. That is what prompted him to at least finally get another person to take every 3rd night.

Anyway my best advice is to take your mother in and leave your dad in the nursing home. Take half his savings and put it into another account for your mom. When all his money is gone he should be able to get Medicaid help. Don't take the chore on alone. Its not fair to you or your family to put yourselves through it. I've begged and pleaded my own husband to do what would be best for everyone but he just can't see it. He's physically sick himself with diabetes and he's aged so much in the last 10 months. Its destroying all of us mentally and physically. I am so deeply depressed that there are times I just want to end it all. My sil did 10 months ago. She never married and lived at home all her life and in the last few years has been taking care of my mil and fil. She couldn't take it anymore. No one knows the horror of something like this unless they have lived through it. Its not that you don't love them...its simply they are so ill that you alone cannot care for them. Imagine nights of not sleeping because they are whollering all night, talking in their sleep. Constant getting up because they are trying to get up and can't even walk. Not having one minutes peace whatsoever. Them talking out of their head....bugs, worms, wires coming out of their head and nothing is there. Seeing people that are not there. Asking for his dead daughter and having to explain over and over that she's not with us anymore. Asking for his dead wife who died 2 years ago. Its a nightmare for them and you. I love my husband but I resent what he's doing to us by being so stubborn. My life is a nightmare....please don't do this to yourself and your family. Money doesn't matter when it comes at the expense of your health, your families health. It isn't worth it.

**Spirit Deer** · 02-07-2009, 07:48 PM

Be very, very careful how you handle his money. Everything said in this thread so far would not be legal in Minnesota. States vary in their regulations on this, so don't go by ANY advice you get online, here or anywhere else. We all mean well, but because of the variations in laws, you need to talk to someone in your area well-versed in how to handle finances.

If you haven't done so, find out if the nursing home has a social worker or other staff who can help guide you through the maze of regulations regarding this issue, someone who does nothing but work with the financial aspects of nursing home care, insurance, Medicare, and that whole confusing ball of wax. That person should know all the ins and outs and how best to deal with what you're facing.

**Lora88** · 02-07-2009, 08:22 PM

My dad is in the nursing home in NY I live in NJ under NY law the injured spouse my mom can have assets of 100,000.00 and they cannot take her home as long as she lives in it if she moves in with me the nursing home can seize the home I really dont think my mom will have much choice as she is 91 and needs help currently my brother is living there to look out for her I am going to see a lawyer but all assets needed to be divested 3 years before the person enters the nursing home so it is probably hopeless. I am angry at my dad because we told him for years and his accountant did also to make provisions for these kinds of things but he was a control freak and wouldnt let go of the money I honestly feel like im letting everyone down but Heartofmine makes some excellent points I dontthink I can do this Thank you all for takeing the time to answer Its good to know that people care

**wanderinggrandma** · 02-07-2009, 09:35 PM

I so sorry you are going thru this. My dad had dementia and it was gutwrenching to watch his struggles, my mom's anger and overwhelm and helping as much as possible while working and raising my own family.

Have you consulted with his physician? There are meds that calm them down or sedation for nights. Often dementia patients have "sundowners" syndrome--the sun goes down and they are wired and ready to go.

There are companies that have caregivers that are trained to give companion/physical care to help take the strain off the family. Social services have respid (sp?) care. Does he qualify for Hospice? Is his life expectancy 6 months or less? This opens up additional services at no cost.

Please talk with the Social Worker at the facility he is in. They should have lots of information and suggestions for you. They should not release him to go home until they KNOW someone is there to take care of him, someone qualified.

Good luck, this is a tough situation.

**mombottoo** · 02-07-2009, 10:03 PM

(((((big hugs))))) Sounds like you are having a very rough time. My dad is showing signs of the beginning stages of dementia (alz) and after many months of forgetfulness, mood swings, etc. he finally brought the subject up himself today. He said he's scared he is going to end up like his aunt.

Your dad does need to stay in the nursing home or maybe a facility that deals strictly with dementia patients would be better. I would go and speak to an attorney that specializes in elder care and see what advice they may have and see what you can do now, to protect your mother's financial stability. Usually you can find one where the first consult is free. Best of luck to you & yours.

**mamamia** · 02-07-2009, 11:00 PM

Awww Lora! You sound so downhearted and sad. I'm so sorry that you have all that weight on your shoulders right now. I feel so sure though that this can all be sttled!

You have gotten some good advice here. There's probably a good solution to all of this. My 1st step would be to talk to a probate attorney.

Wishing you and your family good results.

Theresa

**Debbie-cat** · 02-08-2009, 12:34 AM

I am going through with the same thing right now with my FIL. He is living with us and it is difficult. Check regulations out and talk to your MIL. I wish you all the best and if you need anything just PM me.

**WV_mom_of2** · 02-08-2009, 10:04 AM

I don't have any advice but wanted to offer you some hugs! I helped care for both of my grandparents when they were ill and it's very hard.

**Patty A** · 02-08-2009, 10:37 AM

Hugs.......its hard to be in a spot where you worry that no matter what you do...you will be sorry about what has to be. Talk to someone in your state that knows the laws. Also be aware that many states have home health care that allows someone to come in and help when people are ill. There is also "adult daycare" for people like your dad that has these type of problems. Talk to someone that knows what programs are in your area, and get some legal advise.
My DH and I have taken care of his mother for the last 22 years. My BIL and his wife have finally taken a turn (this last year!), and now they are mad because we don't jump to help. They was NEVER around to help us, and wouldn't even call to check on her! 24/7 care is tuff when you have no help, and it does take a toll on your own health!
It is so hard, and it never easy to decide what to do for others.
Your in my thoughts! Get someone that is in the know on what to do, it sure will be easier to decide what to do when your armed with good information from people that work with this stuff everyday.

**rainbowgc** · 02-08-2009, 12:11 PM

Before anything look up the medicaid laws for the elderly in your state. this should give you the basic information on what the wife can keep and then go from there. You sound so tired, take care of yourself and your family first.