Son 2 moving back home?

**Dutchie** · 02-19-2009, 06:27 AM

This is just a vent.

Our 2nd son will possibly be moving back home very soon.
He moved into a house with my oldest son about 2 years ago (oldest son had bought a new house but needed someone to share the expenses with. I - and everyone else - advised against buying the house - it was WAY too expensive for him - but who listens to me anyway).

Our second son (at the time almost 22) has always been a bit immature in his decisions and to be perfectly honest I was pleased that he was moving out and standing on his own two feet under the wings of our eldest son who has always been a level headed person.

In the last 2 years, son 1 has moved in with his girlfriend but he continued (he said) to keep an eye on things. One of their cousins moved in to make up the shortfall in the mortgage.

He assured us constantly that he was managing it all fine but it seems that he wasn't especially in the last 6 months. (Just for info, son 1 moved out about 7 years ago so was used to taking care of himself and a house with everything that it involves.)

We learned just last week that son 1 never told son 2 anything about his bank account, he had his bank card and said that he paid the bills and gave him money for an allowance and groceries. We also learned last week that son 1 was always complaining to son 2 which lead to some huge arguments at their house.

We have also since learned that son 2 was working a LOT but the costs that he had come across by 'renting' from his older brother were too much for him.

Son 1 didn't want to say anything since he would lose someone who was paying him for part for his house.

Finally son 1 started to complain to us as well and asked us to help out with a loan since he said that son 2 wasn't working/earning enough to cover his costs.

Things seemed to be OK for a while but 2 weeks ago, son 1 complained and asked for a LOT of money. This time we said that enough was enough and that we would be taking over son 2's finances from now on.

To put it mildly - IT IS TERRIBLE!!!
Because of the economic slowdown, a lot of younger employees are being sacked (last one in, first to go) and there is almost no work in the catering business - also due of course to the slow down. Son 2 is looking for more work but is having a hard time finding it. He is now looking for more work in another field.
Neither of them said this to us at any time - they just complained, argued and moaned to each other.

Because of the shortfall in income of son 2, son 1 hasn't been paying anything on time and even letting it go so far as to have 2nd and 3rd notices and therefore extra costs for the bills.
Bailiffs were even called in at one point.
It is a really terrible situation.
I have had a lot of work to get it sorted out but with a bit of luck, I've got it done now. (As long as there are no surprises.)

If things go on as they are then he will be short around $ 9,000.00 by June (by then everything will be paid up and the late fines for the 'forgotten' bills will also be paid - this is including the 'normal' expenses for rent, food insurance etc.).

DH and I were talking about this just last night and about when - if it has to happen - will we tell son 2 that he has to move back in with us and what will son 1 think of that.
Dh announced in no uncertain terms that he really didn't care what son 1 thought.
The month of March would be paid and if son 2 doesn't have more work at the end of the first week of March then it will be son 1's problem to find another tenant since son 2 will be moving in with us right away.
He just can't get over the fact that son 1 has let these bills run up so much without saying anything to us. He just complained constantly firstly to son 2 and then to us, laying all the blame on son2. I said to him that he should perhaps not be too hard on son 1 since maybe he was in over his head and didn't want to disappoint us.

If son 2 moves back in with us then it will save him more than half of his expenses (and saving us the money we would have to lend him as well).

Actually after writing this down I don't think anymore that it is 'possibly moving back in with us' but more a certainty.

Just wanted to get this off my chest.

**phoeny_moonstar** · 02-19-2009, 06:30 AM

Here are some hugs for you and your family!

**Dutchie** · 02-19-2009, 06:32 AM

Originally Posted by phoeny_moonstar

Here are some hugs for you and your family!

Thank you - I really need them today.

**Denvergirlie** · 02-19-2009, 08:34 AM

So son 2 is now 24 years old and your doing his finances for him?

Perhaps it's time to teach him how to handle his own finances, likewise for Son 1.

I totally support helping kids, but at sometime you have to let them go and make their own mistakes.

I think it's great that your willing to let Son 2 move back it, but it needs to be his choice. Also, at this age you might want to consider putting a time limit on how long he has to turn things around so he can stand on his own two feet.

I understand that the current economy has lot to be desired in the world, but also have fear for these adult kids that just run back home to mom & dad and expect them to take care of everything for them.

best of luck to all of you and I really hope you are not offended by my comments. I am very thankful for the help my parents gave me in my 20's, but in it's own way it also hurt me in being able to take responsibility for my poor choices I made.

It's such a tough situation, and it can be a fine line between helping and enabling.

**Cricketlegs** · 02-19-2009, 09:59 AM

Being a Mama sure isn't for sissies I tell you that.

**Patty A** · 02-19-2009, 10:46 AM

Amen Cricketlegs! Being a parent is the hardest job of all. And at times it makes you feel like your damned if you do something and damned if you don't. Like I always say, I wish kids came with and instruction book!

Dutchie, first of all you need a pat on the back for putting all your knowledge in to trying to get to the bottom of all of this. It isn't an easy task to figure out all the information you need when trying to deal with all this. And ((((HUGE HUGS))))). Its no wonder you needed to vent! I have to admit my son just moved home, and his finances is still an awful mess that we are wading through daily to try and get it all straightened out. He was just handing his paycheck to his girlfriend and little did he know nothing was being paid for.

When it comes to our kids we can teach them all we know, show them the ropes and help. But when they are out on their own making their own choices sometimes they forget what they have been taught! I like you am trying my damnest to HELP my son get this all figured out.
I don't see this as enabling at all, and there is a fine line between helping and hurting. I refuse to let my son turn to a life on the street, home is always home, it doesn't matter the age. Sometimes these kids get in over their heads trusting people they shouldn't, and in order not to be a "failure" in their parents eyes they wait way to long to ask for help. Grown kids DON'T want to dissapoint a parent, and I think that is why things get so bad before they turn to someone for help. They WANT to make it on their own, and stand on their own two feet. This economy right now is more than hard, its plan awful. And when there is NO work to be found it makes it even harder. These kids don't have the chance to have the "American dream", with costs what they are most can't make enough right now to be able to be on their own.

Hang in there, and go with your gut instinct as a mom. I have yet to see it fail when it comes to our children that if a mom follows her instinct things will work out!

**fernykins** · 02-19-2009, 11:06 AM

I think you are doing the right thing....... I had son #2 move in with me when I got sick. Then he went for custody of his 2 boys. With the understanding that I would help with the boys. Gladly. Well he moved out in Jan with the boys. Well when he moved out son#3 moved in.With his family. They both lost their full time jobs and are only working part time. Parent do what they have to do for their children. My kids have also decided that with all my health problems I can't live by myself....... Gotta Love them.
Fern

**pollypurebred39** · 02-19-2009, 12:56 PM

Given todays economy I do not expect that either of my boys will move out soon, or maybe ever. We just may turn the basement into an apartment for my oldest and the garage into one for our youngest. A return to days of old where families built on their homes and lived together. Not exactly what I had in mind, but frankly given today's economy and even looking to the future when we are recovered I think that pay checks will be far less then they were and the cost of living will be increasingly high. Glad I only had 2 kids, we'd be adding an upstairs if we had more!

(((HUGS)))

**rainbowgc** · 02-19-2009, 05:33 PM

Boy, "kids" sure can get themselves in a pickle, can't they?

**rasilla** · 02-20-2009, 04:03 PM

I agree with Denver girlie... momma, cut some strings. Your son is 24. He should be doing his own finances, sink or swim. He should not be receiving loans from you. Feed him if he's hungry but other than that let him figure it out. He will struggle and will be better for it. Both sons should be able to work this out on their own. I would NOT offer to let him move back in with you, not unless you had a health issue where YOU needed him. Let him be a man.

I am speaking this as a 26 year old whose parents left me high and dry when I moved out. Yes, there were some hard times and lots of mistakes, but cutting the strings let me grow up and accept responsibility for my life and my actions. I am now a financially secure mother and I don't think I would be if it weren't for them giving me some space. If they helped me financially I would have continued to depend on them rather than learning how to do stuff on my own. They (your sons) need to have the same freedom to fail and grow.... just my opinion. I know that it is probably a very hard decision for all of you! You and your sons will be in my thoughts.

**Patty A** · 02-21-2009, 01:15 PM

I guess I am the odd man out on this one, but I see a difference in letting you children sink......I can not stand by and watch a child suffer. Not meaning I would bail them out of everything, they do have to learn. But to have a child that would be homeless and living on the streets if I wasn't helping is not an option in my book for one of my kids! Home is a place of refuge, your age has nothing to do with being able to go home in times of need. The doors of HOME are open to my children any time! It is the one thing I miss most since losing my mom and dad, there is nothing worse than feeling you have no home to go home too.

Think about what it means to have refuge;
Protection or shelter, as from danger or hardship.
A place providing protection or shelter.
A source of help, relief, or comfort in times of trouble.

That is what home is, and who can shut out a child in the time of need? Not me, no matter what their age is, no matter what mistakes they make, we are after all human and are prone to making bad choices, and mistakes! I have made my fair share, and thank God I always had HOME to back me up in times of need. I learned from my mistakes, yes, very well I learned. But when I needed help my folks were always there for me while they were alive. I plan on doing the same, I will be there for my children! To encourage, help, and hope they can learn lessons from making mistakes that hopefully they won't repeat again! The door to HOME for my kids will always swing wide open with welcoming arms, a place where they can take refuge when they need help.

**forHISglory** · 02-21-2009, 01:36 PM

Robert Frost wrote: "Home is the place, where, when you go there, they have to take you in."

Obviously not every home is that way, but I feel that if a child needs a temporary place to regroup, heal, etc. then my home is open.

Dutchie, you are a good woman. My best to you as you sort through the best way to love your children.

**mhope** · 02-21-2009, 01:41 PM

Originally Posted by Patty A

I guess I am the odd man out on this one, but I see a difference in letting you children sink......I can not stand by and watch a child suffer. Not meaning I would bail them out of everything, they do have to learn. But to have a child that would be homeless and living on the streets if I wasn't helping is not an option in my book for one of my kids! Home is a place of refuge, your age has nothing to do with being able to go home in times of need. The doors of HOME are open to my children any time! It is the one thing I miss most since losing my mom and dad, there is nothing worse than feeling you have no home to go home too.

Think about what it means to have refuge;
Protection or shelter, as from danger or hardship.
A place providing protection or shelter.
A source of help, relief, or comfort in times of trouble.

That is what home is, and who can shut out a child in the time of need? Not me, no matter what their age is, no matter what mistakes they make, we are after all human and are prone to making bad choices, and mistakes! I have made my fair share, and thank God I always had HOME to back me up in times of need. I learned from my mistakes, yes, very well I learned. But when I needed help my folks were always there for me while they were alive. I plan on doing the same, I will be there for my children! To encourage, help, and hope they can learn lessons from making mistakes that hopefully they won't repeat again! The door to HOME for my kids will always swing wide open with welcoming arms, a place where they can take refuge when they need help.

Amen. I have always told my children my home is their home no matter how old they are. Could never let my children go homeless . I think of all mistake I made in my life. I'm glad had parents never shut door on me.