Survivors guilt...

**MRAHoffman** · 02-19-2009, 04:56 PM

my best friend who lost her job in July just found out today that her husband is now laid off (as well as my sons best friends mom was laid off last week). I feel SO bad for them, but I have a hard time talking to them as I am still working (we just got a bonus and our CEO encouraged us to help stimulate the economy by spending part of it) as well as growing (my supervisor said there may be up to 1k new jobs, but until all the details are worked out we really can't talk much so in time I probably can help them, just not now). How do you deal with survivors guilt? It can be so uncomfortable talking to them at times and I'm sure they don't want to hear the "cheer up" speeches over and over.

**rainbowgc** · 02-19-2009, 05:14 PM

The best thing you can do for anyone in a bad situation is Listen and tell them how sorry you are that they are going through whatever it is.

**IntlMom** · 02-19-2009, 05:21 PM

I know how you feel......ppl loosing their jobs all around us and my hubby has a GREAT new job with a GREAT new salary.......
I feel bad, but grateful at the same time.

**Spirit Deer** · 02-19-2009, 08:18 PM

I don't talk about how great things are going for us if I'm in the company of others less fortunate, for whatever reason. It'd be like rubbing their faces in it that things aren't going as well for them.

I agree, the best thing you can do is listen.

You can also gift them with a pizza, delivered anonymously, or find other ways to help them financially in small ways. Make a big pot of chili and take it over to them, and don't take no for an answer. Don't forget the crackers and/or cornbread to go with it. Or a big gift basket of basic groceries, the kind that will help stretch what they do have, like pasta, rice, and other items. If you can't give them things directly and they have a church, ask their clergy to become a 'partner in crime' who will accept your donation for them and see to it they get what you're giving them, anonymously.

Offer free babysitting if you can, so they have a chance to spend adult time.

Let your friend cry on your shoulder, even if it's hard to hear. She needs you now.

If they have pets, offer to sponsor one. Some families feel forced to let their beloved pets go when they're having major financial problems, and that's just another blow to a family that's already reeling. If you're willing to buy dog food for a while, it might save Fido from losing his home and your friend from losing a member of the family.

Make some things for her she can use to pamper herself with, like bath salts or other things you can make yourself that are now luxuries she may not be able to afford.

Ask her what she wants you to do to help.

If you bake bread or other tasty stuff, gee, isn't it too bad, you made so much it won't fit in your freezer, what were you thinking, and could she please do you a big favor and take the excess off your hands before it spoils? It won't fool anyone but would allow her to save face. A batch of fresh homemade cookies or a cake or something like that might be a real pick-me-up for her family right now.

**Debbie-cat** · 02-19-2009, 09:00 PM

I would take some of SpirtDeer's advice. She has alot of good ideas that can be done easily without making them feel bad. So sorry to hear about your friends' situation. Times are tough right now for alot of people and my heart goes out to all of them.

**craftypam** · 02-20-2009, 01:51 AM

what a kind kind thing to do Spiritdeer Save the family pet from losing their home AND the family from losing a member of their family because of finances.

**Thevail** · 02-20-2009, 03:22 AM

Note..this is my opinion..this and two bucks might get you a cup of coffee..all standard disclaimers apply..

I'd just try to be bare gut honest with your friend.
Tell her that you feel guilty.Tell her why. Tell her you really don't want to lose her and her family as friends over something no one could have seen coming and the stupid social awkwardness that goes with it.
Ask if having them over for dinner one night a week would help...have her help cook so it's not all one sided.
And maybe just have fun watching a movie, or even making a few of the frugal cleaners or personal items you probably have recipes for.
Sometimes when things are really grim, what we need is a break. A break from the doom and gloom, a break from being trapped on that hopeless helpless hamster wheel in our own heads. But most of all we need a break from the unvoiced fears.
Will I lose my home?
Will I lose my kids?
Will I lose my friends?
You may not be able to make those fears any less..but you can give her a place to voice them.

**mamamia** · 02-20-2009, 03:52 AM

Originally Posted by Spirit Deer

I don't talk about how great things are going for us if I'm in the company of others less fortunate, for whatever reason. It'd be like rubbing their faces in it that things aren't going as well for them.

I agree, the best thing you can do is listen.

You can also gift them with a pizza, delivered anonymously, or find other ways to help them financially in small ways. Make a big pot of chili and take it over to them, and don't take no for an answer. Don't forget the crackers and/or cornbread to go with it. Or a big gift basket of basic groceries, the kind that will help stretch what they do have, like pasta, rice, and other items. If you can't give them things directly and they have a church, ask their clergy to become a 'partner in crime' who will accept your donation for them and see to it they get what you're giving them, anonymously.

Offer free babysitting if you can, so they have a chance to spend adult time.

Let your friend cry on your shoulder, even if it's hard to hear. She needs you now.

If they have pets, offer to sponsor one. Some families feel forced to let their beloved pets go when they're having major financial problems, and that's just another blow to a family that's already reeling. If you're willing to buy dog food for a while, it might save Fido from losing his home and your friend from losing a member of the family.

Make some things for her she can use to pamper herself with, like bath salts or other things you can make yourself that are now luxuries she may not be able to afford.

Ask her what she wants you to do to help.

If you bake bread or other tasty stuff, gee, isn't it too bad, you made so much it won't fit in your freezer, what were you thinking, and could she please do you a big favor and take the excess off your hands before it spoils? It won't fool anyone but would allow her to save face. A batch of fresh homemade cookies or a cake or something like that might be a real pick-me-up for her family right now.

That is great advice! You must be a true friend for many Spirit Deer

If I can add a little to that, I wanted to mention that it would also be great to plan a once a week, or every 2 weeks get-together with her and her family. Make it a fun nite, playing games, movie watching, or whatever might be of interest. Let her know that you'd love it to be a regular thing because doing so, will give her and her family something to look forward to. Beleve me, it came make a BIG difference, and I speak from experience.

If there's kids, get them involved in making snacks and desserts for that nite. Doesn't have to be expensive, but I'm sure alot of fun.

Hoping for the best!

Theresa

**Momto2Boyz** · 02-20-2009, 07:27 AM

Spirit deer had great advice!

I think the simplest answer is just to be a friend! I've been on the other side of the same kind of situation, and while your friend is worried about their own sitatuion, she is probably happy that you are in a better one. I lost a baby a few years ago, halfway through my pregnancy. Within, the month after that, 2 of my best friends got pregnant. Both were deathly afraid to tell me (they had the same kind of guilt that you have). However, once they finally told me, I was ecstatic for them! I was able to see the situations as being completely unrelated. Their happiness meant the world to me and didn't make me feel worse about my situation.

So, the same goes here. Don't feel like you have to tiptoe around things with your friend. She knows things suck for some and are ok for others. Just be there for her and do what you can!

**cmdarlin** · 02-20-2009, 07:51 AM

Being in that situation, just let them know your there if they ever need someone to talk too. That is my biggest problem here. I don't expect handouts. I want to work this out on my own. (hard headed italian) Just being able to talk to someone who may be able to guide me in the right direction sometimes would help a lot. What I wouldn't do to have my bff here.....

Debbie

**Spirit Deer** · 02-20-2009, 07:52 AM

Originally Posted by mamamia

If I can add a little to that, I wanted to mention that it would also be great to plan a once a week, or every 2 weeks get-together with her and her family. Make it a fun nite, playing games, movie watching, or whatever might be of interest. Let her know that you'd love it to be a regular thing because doing so, will give her and her family something to look forward to. Beleve me, it came make a BIG difference, and I speak from experience.

I think that's an excellent idea. I hadn't thought about making it a regular thing but that would make it even better.

I will never forget when we had been unemployed six months. We had worked hard helping to organize a welcome-home party for a local guy who had been on a long sled dog expedition. We had gotten to know the person in charge of the party, and we had also been invited to the party. After it was over, we were all sitting in our living room when suddenly the front door was flung open and there stood the party planner with a big, five-gallon soup pot in her hands. She had brought us all the leftovers from the party! Bread, chili, fish, and a ton of other foods. All I could do was cry at her kindness, and now, nineteen years later, it still makes me cry when I think of it. She just smiled and said she was only putting it where it belonged. We were so grateful for that simple act. We and our five teenagers ate for a week from what she brought us, and it made a huge difference not only because of being able to save the grocery money for that week, but in the fact someone cared enough to think of us when we needed it the most. We're the sort of people who have a real hard time accepting things from others, because we were raised to be independent and figure things out for ourselves. But that one small thing really had a huge impact.

**Contrary Housewife** · 02-20-2009, 11:45 AM

One thing nobody has mentioned is to talk to them about money. That's awkward, too, but at least now you have the excuse that you are concerned for them.

A year or two ago my friend's husband lost his job, and they struggled with one check for a few months until she lost her job too. Food was never a problem for them, they had more "donations" coming at them than they could eat. Their problem was paying the mortgage and the gas bill and keeping gas in the car and juggling a lot of recent medical expenses.

So we talked a lot about money, and who to pay first, and how little you could actually send the electric company without getting service shut off, and all those other frightening things that you have to deal with when there is no money. And of course we sent every job lead we saw in their direction.

I don't know if your friends are on the frugal bandwagon, but perhaps the best help you can offer them right now is advice on how to get through the lean times. Have they cut expenses? Do they have things they could sell for cash? Etc...

**Spirit Deer** · 02-20-2009, 01:29 PM

Maybe you could help them set up a garage sale. That's a lot of work and they're no doubt feeling overwhelmed right now. Having someone who isn't as stressed as they are to make suggestions and give advice might be just what they need.

**zakity** · 02-20-2009, 06:20 PM

If you bake bread or other tasty stuff, gee, isn't it too bad, you made so much it won't fit in your freezer, what were you thinking, and could she please do you a big favor and take the excess off your hands before it spoils? It won't fool anyone but would allow her to save face. A batch of fresh homemade cookies or a cake or something like that might be a real pick-me-up for her family right now.

I have been doing something like this with a friend. She is kind enough to do me a huge favor and take our "leftovers" so I don't have to fight with my kids to eat them. **wink wink** She still doesn't know and I have been doing it for like 6 months almost. She still thinks she is doing me a favor. >>insert evil friend chuckle here<<

Actually, she loves trying new things and she loves trying whatever I have made. She said that she usually eats them for lunches and, with having a small baby, that they have been great. She can just toss one in the microwave and she has a quick lunch.

**Trishagirl** · 02-20-2009, 08:07 PM

My friend's husband got laid off after Thanksgiving and he is still out of work. My dh is still working and I feel guilty but we try to help him find a new job but nothing yet. I also help her buy giving here coupons and listening to her. That's the best that I can do. They're hanging in there.