manners for eating out?

[perSue]

lots of ppl talk about manners on here and have good tips.

i wanna ask about adult manners - from living frugally.
i've posted before about having problems finding food in restaurants. it becomes a bother to ask for a dish without this, this, this and that please. so i end up ordering a few side dishes, and that works.

but i was informed i'm not permitted to do this - if i go out to eat with our family's friends as it's "embarassing." Because it says that I'd rather not be there, the choice of restaurant wasn't good and that i simply can't find anything to eat. So it's "bad manners."

I want to know what you all think. Your thoughts, advice, recommendations.

my thoughts, i do think it's embarassing to them, that's probly why i get dirty looks and not-so kind comments during meals (like eating only "21 grains of rice today!") . i never thought of it this way before tho. i must not comprehend this type of language to mean "stop".

meanwhile - i'm looking up manners so i can learn how to be nicer. (i sure do need a lotta work these days! lol )

thanks in advance.

[nancycg56]

Well, then I must not have manners because I do the same thing. There are some foods that I can't eat for medical reasons so I always ask to change them or leave them out completely. If someone has a problem with it, they can pay my doctor bills.

Also, if a dish comes with something that I really don't like, I'll ask to leave it off the plate. I'm not going to eat it, why waste it.

If I am at someone's house, I just do the best I can without making a big deal out of it. If I know the person really well, I don't have a problem speaking up ~ but only if we are good friends.

Actually, I have made meals out of appetizers several times and that's one of my favorite things to do. I think your dining companions need to lighten up and worry about themselves instead.

ETA ~ As a hostess, I try to accommodate anyone who comes to my home to have a meal. I always ask beforehand if there are any allergies, dislikes, etc. It's the right thing to do

[Greebo]

Who is the toxic person in your life that is telling you that standing up for yourself, and ordering food you're going to be eating to be prepared in a way you like, is saying anything but you like things the way you like them?

[Judi Dial]

Sounds to me as if the people you're eating with are those without manners THEY don't have to eat what you do. I have a SIL with severe food allergies. Is it RUDE if she asks for/about food that will not throw her into shock? Which could kill her? Of course not.

If for whatever reason, you feel as if you should only eat x or y or z then that's who you are and the people you are eating with should be happy YOU'RE with them, rather than not, as they're so rude they won't let you be the way you're comfortable. They are asking YOU to be uncomfortable so THEY are. Not a reasonable thing to do in my estimation.

My .02!

Judi

[Momto2Boyz]

I really don't see anything wrong with just ordering side dishes. They wouldn't put them on the menu seperately if it wasn't permissable to order them that way!

I don't consider myself a picky eater, but when I like things prepared a certain way, and I dont' see anything wrong with asking a restaurant to prepare them the way I want them. As long as you are nice and polite when you ask the waitress about it (I usually ask if it is possible if they can do it a certain way, instead of demanding that they do it my way, and it seems to work).

Like the other night, Dh and I went out to a restaurant. I couldn't find much healthy food on the menu, so I asked the waitress if they had any vegetarian dishes. She said they had one. It was a vegetarian omlet, with hashbrowns and toast. So, I asked her if it was possible to get that, without the hashbrowns and wheat toast with no butter. She was happy to do it, and I know it didn't embarass my family (cuz, well, they just don't care).

I really wouldn't worry about it! It's their issue if they are embarassed by it, not yours!

[Darlene]

Them commenting on your 21 grains, now that is rude.
Are you picky? Why are you picky? Are you really eating enough? Don't want a whole dinner, eat soup & salad, fine with me. So it's not your fav, got to be something on that menu that you can eat...
How's this for an idea... Maybe instead of going out to dinner you can have people over & then you will be in charge. They get a nice meal & you are all together and that's the point of the whole thing anyways.

Personally truth be told picky eaters do drive me nuts, raised my kids to try new things. It's one thing if you can't eat something because it will make you ill and another because it might have a flake or 2 of onion and you don't like those. Not sure where you are without going over past posts.
Wishing you well & happy eating experiences.

[perSue]

well, i've posted about this kinda before. if family/friends are embarassed/annoyed by something i do, i feel i need to change. especially since it's a re-occurring theme.
this time, i didnt know about them being embarassed - i just thought they were making fun of me to have something/one to make fun of. i normally just ignored it. but i think that was wrong of me to do as well.

i usually order from the side items too - at any restaurant. it's cheaper & can be healthier.
sadly i am a picky eater. i'll end up ordering an "entree" salad & picking off certain foods (sometimes giving them to someone else), to make a servers job easier or to not make a "picky eaters" scene... but now that i think of that, picking food off can be embarassing.

i just wanna know what to do. i wish there were an instruction book to show me how i'm supposed to act.
thanks for replying.

[nancycg56]

I see two choices, order the salad the way you want or stay home.

I would order the salad they way I wanted it ~ and I do. Heck, I'm paying for it so I'm going to have what I want and if the kitchen does it wrong, I send it back or pick off what I don't want. I always have the dressing on the side so I can add it myself, too.

Life is too short to worry about stuff like this ~ go and have a good time

[perSue]

Darlene - thanks for your honesty.
I'm picky because i can't eat dairy & can't eat most meats w/out getting quite ill. i chose yrs ago to not eat meat, but by doing that, i cant digest it anymore, so i can't eat it. i'll be sick for days, literally.
BUT, i dont expect ppl to know this about me. i dont expect ppl to bend over backwards.

as for the invitation, these particular ppl dont like to come over. we can go over there for dinners (of roast beef, or meat lovers pizza)... and i end up stopping somewhere along the way for a salad or preparing something to take with me... but that embarasses them too. "why won't she eat the stuffing made with chicken broth and bacon & cheese. that's vegetarian, right?"

and this particular invitation is someone else's bday - so it's their choice. we dont have a say.
and it'd be outright rude of me to stay home - because these ppl are my (in laws) family/friends too.

i need to go to etiquette school or something. lol

[Greebo]

perSue, your posts break my heart. I mean that truly sincerely.

The more I read from you, the more I think what needs to change is your family/friends. As in who you choose to be either or both.

I'm not saying that its impossible that you're doing some things that are totally inappropriate - but I think it's highly unlikely that *all* of the things you talk about - all of the things you think/fear are wrong about you as a person - I don't believe they're all wrong. I think it's downright impossible. NOBODY has got as many flaws as you seem to think you have. Nobody!

So I'm going to ask straight up - do you have a therapist? Because I really, really think you should consider seeing one, so you can sit down with someone who's completely objective, talk about your issues in detail and confidentiality, and get honest, objective feedback from someone in a better position to judge and evaluate than we are, and probably also in a better position than you are.

[perSue]

thank you Greebo for your honesty.
No i dont have anyone to talk to (nor the money to hire someone).
Doesnt that still bring shame upon a family to do that? That's what I seem to understand - so i'd be afraid to do that. lol but i think maybe you're right... i need to talk to someone.

and i'm terribly sorry for upsetting you. that was not my intention at all. only to seek advice. so i'm sorry.

i should start a secret journal and work this stuff out on my own anyway. thanks for the concern and idea...

i'm sorry again.

[Milly]

I second Greebo. You're too nice a person to keep beating yourself up this way.

[Greebo]

thank you Greebo for your honesty.
No i dont have anyone to talk to (nor the money to hire someone).

Do you have health insurance? What about your church?

Doesnt that still bring shame upon a family to do that? That's what I seem to understand - so i'd be afraid to do that. lol but i think maybe you're right... i need to talk to someone.

I'm sure there are people who would say that you going to see someone to get help would shame them. People who say that kind of thing are, in my experience, over controlling, abusive types who are more concerned with how they think they look to others than with the well-being of their supposed loved ones.

Ask yourself - if the roles were reversed - if the people who's opinion affects you so directly felt they needed outside help, would you support them? Or would you feel shamed by their desire to seek help?

If you would support them, don't you deserve the same in kind?

and i'm terribly sorry for upsetting you. that was not my intention at all. only to seek advice. so i'm sorry.

*You* haven't done anything wrong, perSue, and there is nothing for you to apologize for.

i should start a secret journal and work this stuff out on my own anyway. thanks for the concern and idea...

No, you shouldn't. You are seeking out help anyway you can, and you should *keep* doing that.

i'm sorry again.

Please, do not be.

[perSue]

Thanks Greebo.
It's not easy "seeing" this and i still feel horribly that I've upset someone.
No insurance, no church. times are hard for us right now, and driving is left to a minimum (of necessities).
And, no I wouldnt find shame if someone needed help. But I wouldn't know how to explain why I'd be going to see a specialist. Why not find a friend to kvetch to? But I guess what I say/feel is more upsetting to others than I had known.

thanks again for all your kind, honest words.

[Milly]

thank you Greebo for your honesty.
No i dont have anyone to talk to (nor the money to hire someone).

There are any number of places to get help for free. I'll dig up some in your area, if you'd like.

Doesnt that still bring shame upon a family to do that? That's what I seem to understand - so i'd be afraid to do that.

From the sounds of it, they deserve to be a ashamed of themselves.

and i'm terribly sorry for upsetting you. that was not my intention at all. only to seek advice. so i'm sorry.

Don't be sorry, it's why we're here. Right, Greebo?

i should start a secret journal and work this stuff out on my own anyway.

Generally, working things out on your own doesn't work because what hangs us up in life are our 'blind spots', stuff we can't see but professionals can find for us.

i'm sorry again.

That's about two sorrys too many. You have nothing to be sorry for.

Did you ever see the movie "Good Will Hunting"? There's an important line in that movie: "It's not your fault."

I don't think what you're going through is your fault, either.