This is not a frugal question but would like some opnions please

**Dutchie** · 03-19-2009, 07:48 AM

Our oldest son is getting married in Sept.
He has already lived with this girl for almost 2 years now - he is 27 and she is 29.
The customs in Holland regarding a wedding are completely different to those in the rest of the world.
There are countless variations but from what I gather in this case, they are doing an old-fashioned (British/American) wedding in that the bride's parents are paying for everything except for the flowers and cars (those expenses are for us). Further things will be done in the Dutch way.

They will be getting married in the town hall (VERY normal here and anyone can go along, not only the people invited to the wedding - it is public), then a reception-like thing with drinks and snacks (this is for people not invited to the wedding meal but is more for distant relatives and friends) and then there is the meal (only for very close friends and close relatives).

Here is my question.
Isn't it normal - if the bride's parents are paying for most of the wedding and we for only part (and let me point out that money is definitely not an issue here for the bride's parents) - that we are also asked if there are people that we would like to invite?

I mentioned this to my DH and he said if they don't ask us then don't interfere, it is their wedding.
But here is my problem, both our eldest son and DH and I are/were very close to 2 neighbors of ours. One of them is even his neurologist and has been there for him above and beyond the call of duty. I would really like that they be invited for the reception of the wedding.
To be quite honest my son is not the type of person who will come up with this on his own but I don't want to be pushy with this.

All opinions are welcome.

**miss_thrifty** · 03-19-2009, 07:52 AM

ask your son first what he thinks . This way your not stepping on anybody feelings. Your son could ask them or your daughter to be.

**MTS04** · 03-19-2009, 08:04 AM

I would ask your son. It would be up to him and his future wife regarding the guest list, IMHO.

I know when my sister got married, feelings were hurt on both sides of the family due to who was on the guest list. It's tough to try to please everyone.

**Lady_V** · 03-19-2009, 08:06 AM

Boy, does this bring back memories -- the outlaws paid for the wedding, which was suppose to be SMALL. I provided a list of 14 of my closest family members (not even a dent) and NO friends... we had a ~~wedding~~ circus. If the church wasn't on solid ground it would have tipped over... of the 14, 2 were parents and 3 were in the wedding. They had -well- over 14 people there.

200 invitations were printed. I ordered 50 for what was suppose to be the small event, they called and ordered another 150. After a while, I didn't even want a wedding because it wasn't what we (he and I) had envisioned. I did feel a little disappointed that my side was so few.

Have you gotten together with the other family? Perhaps your son already provided a list without your knowledge? (I can't count how many times during the planning process he was suppose to ask me/tell me something and the message never delivered.)

If the reception is a casual affair, do you have to give precise numbers to the caterer? Would adding your 2 cause a shortage of food?

If you are on friendly terms, invite the soon-to-be and her Mom over for a tea to hear all the exciting details and plans. You can tell by the tone of the tea if approaching them with a guest list will be welcomed or if you should duck under the table and run.

**Denvergirlie** · 03-19-2009, 08:21 AM

The couple getting married has the choice of who to invite. Or at least that is the only thing I've ever heard of. Of course parents normally suggest people for consideration as well.

I'd invite the couple over for dinner and ask them if they have completed a guest list yet.

**Momto2Boyz** · 03-19-2009, 08:23 AM

I agree with Lady V! Maybe make a nice gesture and invite the soon to be mother in law over for tea or coffee or something and casually chat about the wedding. It wouldn't hurt anything, and would help you to get to know the family that your son is joining!

**PrairieRose** · 03-19-2009, 08:33 AM

I would mention it to my son first and if he's agreeable then I'd speak w/future MIL about it. (over a cuppa tea would be a great idea). Maybe they assume you don't have any guests that you want to invite if you don't mention it....? It is a tough time to voice opinions b/c what you say can and *might* be held against you at a later date

(I know from experience)

**ladykemma2** · 03-19-2009, 08:38 AM

well, technically you are not the hostess of the wedding and have no control over the guest list. However, you can mention to the bride that there are two special people in your family's life that it would please you greatly if they could be there.

remember -- guests don't bring guests.

**2ndGenGranola** · 03-19-2009, 09:04 AM

The proper thing would have been for someone to have contacted you and asked you to provide a list/request for number of invitations. After all you ARE the groom's parents (I see this as being a little more important than a "generic" guest).

IMO weddings have become too much of a bridezilla event. She is not the only one getting married. The groom is too.

**Dutchie** · 03-19-2009, 09:08 AM

Originally Posted by Lady_V

Have you gotten together with the other family? Perhaps your son already provided a list without your knowledge? (I can't count how many times during the planning process he was suppose to ask me/tell me something and the message never delivered.)

If the reception is a casual affair, do you have to give precise numbers to the caterer? Would adding your 2 cause a shortage of food?

If you are on friendly terms, invite the soon-to-be and her Mom over for a tea to hear all the exciting details and plans. You can tell by the tone of the tea if approaching them with a guest list will be welcomed or if you should duck under the table and run.

The reception is a casual affair and 2 more guests would def. not make a difference.

My son has already given a list and he has told us about some of it although I don't think that it is final yet.
He isn't inviting his only uncle and aunt (DH's sister and brother).

We hope to get together with our son next week sometime but at the moment he is on vacation in South Africa.

I would love to approach the mother and son's fiancee but first I have to invite both parents and son and fiancee over to redo the evening that we had at the fiancee's parents' house.
I think that I posted about it. (I became violently ill during the evening - throwing up constantly due to a virus - so we left very quickly without having chatted about anything in particular.)
How (not) to leave a good impression. LOL.

**Dutchie** · 03-19-2009, 09:10 AM

Originally Posted by 2ndGenGranola

The proper thing would have been for someone to have contacted you and asked you to provide a list/request for number of invitations. After all you ARE the groom's parents (I see this as being a little more important than a "generic" guest).

You see, this is what I thought too - maybe I have just watched Father of the Bride (both versions) too often.

**suki** · 03-19-2009, 11:17 AM

The weddings I've been involved with, both sets of parents are asked for a guest list and the couple makes the final decision. It's still early. I'd just ask son if he needs a hand with the guest list and go from there.

Really, it's still early in the planning stages. Perhaps they just haven't gotten to asking you yet.

Congratulations to your family on the happy event!

**lvngwell** · 03-19-2009, 01:43 PM

I would contact the parents and explain that - because of the difference in cultures you do not know what is appropriate and acceptable therefore you are asking for their guidance. Ask them if it is allowed for you to invite a few family friends that are very close and that you know would love to help your family celebrate this occasion. Defer to their wishes but definately let them know you would consider it a personal favor if these few additions could be made.

All they can do is say no.

In thier culture it may not even be a big deal and - had they know it was in yours - they would have gladly allowed it - but in the mean time would never even THINK of asking you because it is not what THEY would do!

**nancycg56** · 03-19-2009, 01:59 PM

When I got married ~ my parents paid ~ both sets of parents had X amount they could invite (I don't remember what it was now) AFTER DH and I put down who we wanted to invite. They made it work