Should is a four letter word

[elphie]

I've had a few discussions in other threads lately about my feelings about "should" so I thought I'd share an essay I recently wrote on the topic...

Should is a four letter word and I’m eliminating it from my vocabulary. I have become too bogged down with the shoulds imposed on me by others, from my family to the media, and it is keeping me from being able to prioritize what I truly need to do.

I generally start each day with a to do list… a list of all the things I really *should* do today and then at the end of the day I haven’t accomplished half of them and I feel guilty about that. Then I can’t sleep because of the guilt and the next day I am too tired to be productive enough to tackle my next to do list. It is a viscous cycle. An example of the shoulds on my to-do list today…

-clean kitchen
-visit Uncle Joe
-2 loads of laundry
-vacuum the living room
-take the kids to ball practice
-bake banana bread
-grocery shopping

This list doesn’t include all of my regular day to day chores such as cooking, kids schoolwork (we homeschool so that’s all on me), fitting in time to write so I can push forward with my freelance goals, and taking care of my husband who is recovering from surgery (which requires a special diet and therefore entails more cooking).

I look at this list and feel overwhelmed, I want to crawl into a hole and eat my way out because there is just no way I can finish all of the things today that I “should”. So I decided to revamp my to-do list… it is no longer a list of shoulds because should doesn’t allow me to see WHY each task is important. When I complete a task for Should I am really completing it for the external validation… So, instead of a list of shoulds I now have a list that includes why.

-Clean the kitchen because it is difficult to cook meals when I don’t have the space to move freely and the tools I need are dirty.

-Visit Uncle Joe because he has been under the weather and feeling lonely lately and I always have such a nice time talking with him. It really is rejuvenating for both of us.

-2 loads of laundry because I will be off schedule if I don’t. I will need to do an extra load for the next couple of days if I skip today but we do all have clean clothes.

-Vacuum the living room because it is on my schedule for today. It doesn’t really look messy though and can probably wait.

-Take the kids to ball practice because they have a commitment to be there. They also missed playgroup on Thursday and haven’t had much social interaction with other kids since their dad’s surgery.

-Bake banana bread because the last two bananas are going brown and I don’t want to waste them. I could freeze them and bake later.

-Grocery shopping because we are completely out of bread and only have 3 eggs. We will need both for breakfast tomorrow morning.

Now I can look at my list objectively and take a few things off and adapt some things to be less time consuming. My new list includes:

-Clean the kitchen because upon reflection a clean kitchen will make the rest of my day smoother.
-Visit Uncle Joe because I really want to.
-Do 1 load of laundry and pick up an extra load Friday because it is a less hectic day.
-Call a friend and arrange for her to carpool the kids to practice this week and I’ll take them next week after hubby is healed from surgery.
-Make the banana bread instead of freezing the bananas… This isn’t very time consuming and then we can use the bread for breakfast and I won’t have to go into town (a 12 mile trip) for bread and eggs when I need to go tomorrow anyway for other errands.

With my old list I may have felt guilty about “falling behind” on laundry, gone ahead and gone to the store after dropping the kids at practice, and skipped my visit with Uncle Joe, meanwhile feeling guilty, resentful, stressed, and wanting nothing more than some empty calories to make me feel better.

But I don’t need to do that because this revised list is much more manageable and I no longer feel overwhelmed. Instead I have prioritized and strategized. I’ve eliminated grocery shopping and vacuuming because I can see from my new list that they aren’t really priorities today. I’ve also easily seen a way to adapt the laundry schedule and made alternate arrangements for the kids to get to practice. I couldn’t see these alternatives before because the *shoulds* do not allow for critical thinking, only criticism.

What is really freeing is that when I let go of the “shoulds” I had no choice but to let go of the “shouldn’ts” as well. If I replace should with why then I must also replace should not with why not. A second piece of cake- why not? Well, I know I will feel bloated and uncomfortable afterward. A glass of wine with dinner- why not? Well, I can’t really think of a good reason that doesn’t include the word should so I’m having one. A new pair of shoes- why not? I’m saving for that vacation that we are all looking forward to and the money will make me happier if I put it in that fund. You get the idea.

There is no longer a “should” in my day… it is MY day and I get to choose how it is spent. Each choice has consequences, negative, positive, or both and by eliminating should and instead asking why I can clearly see the consequences. Then I can make the best decisions possible based on how each choice will impact the rest of my day and week to come.

[mamamia]

That's quite an observation! Certainly gives a little "food for thought", eh?

Enjoyed your thoughts!

Theresa

[cab54]

Funny, Hope, but I've been on the same brain-wave lately.

Should = anxiety
Should = my life being ruled by forces outside my own will
Should = Doing things that don't really need done because of the nature of the word itself
Should = lying on my deathbed (someday) and wondering why I always thought I 'should' instead of making life enjoyable and joyful

[ncarr]

I agree... maybe I will eliminate should as well

[jayneluvsmickey]

I agree... maybe I will eliminate should as well

i was just thinking the same thing

[dcompton]

I'm totally with you. When I begin to get really stressed, if I look at why, and it's almost always because the shoulds are piling up. Though I tend to use "ought" instead of should. I can't count how often I have said that "oughts" are poison.

I like your method of adding the why to the should. One really eccentric way I dealt with it for a while was just to tell myself that I was retired. I was still working - there was nothing I could do about that. But when I was not at the job, I was "retired". There was nothing I HAD to to do if I didn't want to. It was very freeing. It didn't last, because those shoulds always creep back in, but I've thought for a very long time that they are the enemy.

[mamamia]

See, that's why I don't make a "to do" list. It haunts me, and I never get them done as I proposed. And then I just disappoint myself, creating that vicious cyrcle of guilt you mentioned! Sometimes I wonder if I have a rebellion going on inside of me saying, "don't tell ME what I SHOULD do" LOL! But than maybe I just read too many "happy housewife" books and feel that need to be June Cleaver.....I don't know! Or maybe it's because when I was growing up, all I ever heard was my mom and her friends always mentioning how you "could eat off the floors" of this one or that one. Maybe that's what's ingrained in my "SHOULD" list. That so called standard of "should" or nobody will ever be able to eat off my floors LOL! Who knows?

Theresa

[elphie]

I've always wondered why anyone would WANT to eat off of the floors, lol.

[joyofsix]

Good post. I'm working towards it but as a type A, achiever I'm just usecd to this mind set. I'm trying though.....

[Greebo]

I don't think "should" is a four letter word, so much as it is abused. Should, to me at least, implies a moral necessity. I think every "should" should be countered with "why?". If the "should" doesn't pass the "why?" test, then my response to "should" is "should ****" (four letter s word).

[perSue]

I hope this works for you.

i discovered that for _me_ i make a "got done" list...
i either write out or just take mental note of "what did i get done today?"... then i dont feel as bad if i didnt get something done.

there are times when I NEED to get something done, and it's obviously priority... but otherwise, i go about it kinda backwards... i do what I do, and at the end of it, I see what I've gotten accomplished.
it works for _me_.

and i dont stress about the small stuff... dust bunnies, dirty dishes, laundry, etc. dont do anything but multiply... they SURE don't disappear! LOL so they'll wait til I get to 'em.

[elphie]

I don't think "should" is a four letter word, so much as it is abused. Should, to me at least, implies a moral necessity. I think every "should" should be countered with "why?". If the "should" doesn't pass the "why?" test, then my response to "should" is "should ****" (four letter s word).

That's basically what I was saying... ask why, don't just do something because you "should". For me intentions are important because if I don't truly believe something is important then I am likely to procrastinate, avoid, and just generally ignore it. But because I think I SHOULD do it then I feel bad. This way I get to the root of what is really important. For ME personally, should is a four letter word, however responsibility is not and there is a subtle but important distinction between the two.

I also think this may be viewed differently from a male perspective... women in our society (at least in my experience) are taught that we *should* sacrifice ourselves at the expense of our families. I find it very freeing to let go of that.

[mamamia]

That's basically what I was saying... ask why, don't just do something because you "should". For me intentions are important because if I don't truly believe something is important then I am likely to procrastinate, avoid, and just generally ignore it. But because I think I SHOULD do it then I feel bad. This way I get to the root of what is really important. For ME personally, should is a four letter word, however responsibility is not and there is a subtle but important distinction between the two.

I also think this may be viewed differently from a male perspective... women in our society (at least in my experience) are taught that we *should* sacrifice ourselves at the expense of our families. I find it very freeing to let go of that.

Totally agree on the woman's role, 2009 or not! We really haven't come THAT long a way, have we?

Theresa