I just don't get it - VENT

[frugal is fun]

I just have to vent and I know FV is the perfect place.

My boyfriend, who is 39 yrs old, barely has $10 cash to his name. He filed bankruptcy two years ago, walked away from his house (foreclosure) and had his Harley Davidson (his pride and joy) repossessed because he does not know how to manage his money. He had a full time job the entire time and working overtime so its not that he didn’t have the money.

I’ve been with him on and off for more than a year and my little things like turning the heat down, running appliances on off peak hours etc, you know the basics, are rubbing off on him. BUT he still walks into Walmart for one thing and walks out spending $80, eats steaks twice a week, buys his dog a toy everytime he walks into a store, etc. He just blows his money without thinking twice. I’ve been trying to explain if he just saved $25 a week after a few months he’d have a couple of hundred dollars. He keeps telling me that’s “just not me”.

So the unthinkable happened. He got hurt back in January, has been on workman’s comp since, had some issues with the “process” of that and he isn’t going to get a check for two weeks. And his employer called and he owes them $300 for his health insurance, since that does not automaticlaly get taken out of his workman's comp checks.

He has zero money. I “think” he can make his rent but he has zero spending money. He mentioned to me yesterday that his friend is going to send him a couple of hundred dollars to get him by.

I have lent him money before and he paid back most of it, not all of it. Total he borrowed was about $900 and owes me $200 which I’ve pretty much written off. He owes his sister over $1,000 from more than a year ago.

So I guess my vent is that I’m starting to feel guilty for not offering him money. But the FV side of me is why should I offer him money that I know he’s going to blow when he’s a grown man and it shouldn’t be my problem that he has no money. If his car were to break down today, he would not be able to get a loan because of the bankruptcy and all of the other stuff he never paid, and he has no money to buy a new one.

I just truly do not understand how people can live like this. In my eyes, he is not “victim’” of the economy, he dug this hole all by himself.

[StaceyS]

Don't do it! I know it's hard (personal experience). Your heart is telling you what to do, you know you'll feel bad if you give in.
Stay strong!

[kellieetter]

I think its time for tough love! He will never change his ways if everyone is always giving him money!! He knows you will bail him out if he needs it. You have to let him hit rock bottom (again) for him to really understand. Its hard to watch but its the best thing for the long run.

[CrazyCat]

If you are an enabler...then you will loan him the money.

I think he'll have to hit rock bottom before he grows up~It sounds like people have been bailing him out for some time. If the money train stops...maybe it'll be a huge wake up call. I don't think it sounds like the repo and loosing his house has fazed him.

Good Luck~!

[TexasPeanut]

It's a hard thing to do, but you need to stand your ground on your frugal beliefs and not lend the money.

As long as everyone (you, family, friends) continue to help him when he's down.....he will never get up. I know from personal experience of my own brother who is now in his early 40's scrambling to get right and he doesn't have a clue how to do it because he's never had to.

He's filed bankruptcy already (2 years ago) so he won't be able to do that again for at least 4 years or so, he's going to have to "man up" once and for all and quit relying on everyone in his life to take care of him.

[tervsforme]

I have to agree with CrazyCat, if the foreclosure of his house and repo of his Harley didn't bother him enough for him to change, he isn't going to and your lending him money isn't going to help him at all. You shouldn't feel guilty at all.

[Ceashels]

I wouldn't be gettin' it either.

And based on my personal experience, I would like to ask you a personal question that is for your thoughts only. I'm not asking this to offend you and I don't want or need an answer, I just want you to think about your future and your goals in life. Is this bf the type of man you wish to be with long term for better or worse, in sickness and health...etc. ? A leopard will not change its spots no matter how hard you work at trying.

[rmy9]

You are right to feel the way you do. I wouldn't lend him any money, but that doesn't mean you can't be there to support him in other ways. Let him know that you care about him, make him a dinner (not steak, though and come up with some fun frugal ways to spend quality time together.

[Greebo]

Honey, you called it right - he's a boyfriend. As in a 39 year old little boy who didn't want to grow up, and now reality has caught up with him.

Do not loan him any money. He needs to address his own problems.

[forHISglory]

My thoughts were the same as Ceashels. Why are you staying with someone who will only make life miserable for you in the long run?

[Denvergirlie]

And based on my personal experience, I would like to ask you a personal question that is for your thoughts only. I'm not asking this to offend you and I don't want or need an answer, I just want you to think about your future and your goals in life. Is this bf the type of man you wish to be with long term for better or worse, in sickness and health...etc. ? A leopard will not change its spots no matter how hard you work at trying.

This is what I was thinking as well. Really, I mean no offense tot he OP, but this is not on the surface good boyfriend material. I ask you in the most gentle way, why are you with this person? Just for fun now, but don't ever see the realtionship moving further? if so, that's okay, but if you want a future in a partnership with another person, this is not the person I would be spending my time on.

The likeihood that this leopard will change his spots this late in life is not a bet I would take. So either accept him as he is, his money faults and all or it might be time to exit the relationship.


Best of luck to you

[Sassyclass]

I have to agree, close the bank doors and

Cat

[Debbie-cat]

He is not a victim of the economy, he has made very poor choices. I would not lend him money (just tell him you don't have any if you feel bad) because you are not helping him .... he has to learn and if it is the hard way then so be it. You need to watch out for yourself for times when something does go wrong...like your car breaking down. I hope all turns out well for him and he begins to see that he needs to be more careful and begin paying back money to the people who have tried to help him out.

[Greebo]

If you do decide not to lend him money, and he asks, then I think you should be honest with him about it.
"As much as I like/love you, the way you handle money worries me deeply. As long as I've known you, you've had lots of opportunities to lay a solid foundation for yourself financially, but have blown every chance. Now you're in trouble, and you're looking for others to bail you out - your family, your friends, and now me. I'm sorry, but you made this mess yourself, and I believe with all my heart that the only person who should get themselves out of it is you. If that means you have to bear more painful consequences of your actions, so be it, but I will not enable your bad habits."

Or words to that effect.

[Persimmon Lace]

Perfectly said Greebo! Leopards are not people and people will change when the pain becomes unbearable. I live with a recovering addict and his recovery has been hard fought, but he fought the fight! I just supported him in his recovery.

Don't be an enabler, let him hit bottom.