Frustrated

[MisaLady]

One of my sisters is $1600 behind in rent. She complains about being broke constantly. I'd try to help her, if I thought it'd make a difference. But it doesn't... she's been bailed out before and just keeps getting herself back in the same position. She just never learns.

For instance, she has a cell phone that got turned off. It's back on. And she's behind on it again.

And, although I think you should budget for some fun, she's going to a sci-fi/fantasy convention because "After the past few months we've had, I DESERVE it." I couldn't help but think "Wait... you DESERVE to get that much more in the hole?"

Also, part of the reason I don't loan her money: I once loaned her $20. She said she'd pay it back when she got paid again. She "kept forgetting" to bring it to work with her (we worked at the same place) after she got paid. At the time, money was REALLY tight for us - the job we worked together was actually my 2nd job, which I had to get to help pay for some sudden vet bills. A month later, she hadn't come into work one weekend and I called her to ask for the money, because I could really use it. Her boyfriend got on the phone, told me to stop bothering her about it, and "If you want the money so bad, you can stop being a b---- and come get it yourself. Why should she have to bring it to you?" Out of principle, I did. She lived an hour and a half away from me and when I got there, her boyfriend acted ticked off that I'd actually come to get it (I think he thought I wouldn't go that far to get it.) Gotta tell you, it made me less willing to loan her money.

But... I feel frustrated. It's obvious she thinks I should help her out. But I think doing anything for her makes the situation worse. For instance, I bought her a soda a few times. When I didn't one day, she practically threw a fit. Lots of sulking. So I stopped doing it.

But she keeps bringing up how broke she is, that "Oh, it must be nice to be able to have something that isn't instant noodles for lunch", or "Oh, you have ____? I can't have that because I'm broke."

I told her it's just that we choose to spend our money differently (because any "frugal" advice I've given her is met with hostility) and she replied "Well, some of us don't have husbands that pay for everything." (Her boyfriend is unemployed not seeking employment.) I said that that was true, but that we don't have a roommate who pays for half of everything and that I still don't have a lot of "play" money. My husband doesn't "pay for everything". I pay a good part of my wages to our bills.

I'm not the most frugal person here, I'll admit it. But if I'm broke because I've made some stupid spending decisions, I don't complain about it. How do I tell her that I don't want to hear it without sounding like a complete jerk?

[forHISglory]

Misa, sweetheart, you are just too nice! And what makes it hard is that you are sisters. The best love you can show her right now is tough love. But you can do it all and still be graceful.

Use the "broken record" technique. When she complains, you just smile and sweetly say, "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure you'll find a solution." If she complains again, say, "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure you'll find a solution." Just keep smiling and walk on. You owe no explanation at all. It may take a while, but eventually she'll find another soft shoulder.

And by the way, I'm proud of all your progress!

[monkeywrangler71]

What forHisglory said.
You don't have to tell her you don't want to hear it, just kind of pretend you can't hear it.

[Must-Stash]

I'm so proud of you for not being her enabler in this difficult situation.

[2ndGenGranola]

It sounds like she is only telling you all of this because she wants a handout.

I'm afraid I would either let her know that I no longer wanted to hear of her financial issues. I would be clear that your budgeting help had been met with ungratefulness and that the First National Bank of Sister was now closed for handouts...OR I would counter everything she said. For example-- if she was begging for lunch money by playing her instant noodle routine, I would let her know that the money from the sci/fi convention would have paid for a months worth of nice lunches. Yes, she will be miffed at you because she want a handout but maybe, just maybe it will plant a seed.

This is the same technique used by kids at the grocery store when the want mommy to buy something. They will try temper tantrums, crying, pouting etc until mommy gives in. They know how hard to push it to get mommy to give in. Once mommy decides no and starts standing firm, it will get worse for a period before it gets better. Eventually, it will get better.

[Greebo]

"Sis, I love you, but don't talk to me about money anymore. We don't see eye to eye, and it just makes us upset with each other."

[Linus]

Unfortunately, for some, until they hit absolutely rock bottom, they won't necessarily see the light -- no matter what others tell them. As Greebo points out, it may be necessary to let her know that you won't talk about nor want to hear about her money issues any longer.

[ravenmaniac]

You have been given some good advice. I went through this kind of stuff with my dh. I used to tell him, "You are the most DESERVING person on earth I've ever met." My dh has a wonderful heart, will do anything for anyone but no money sense. I would tell him all the time that we are big people and will work our way through. It was the only way he learned not to depend on his parents for a bail out. Your sister will learn too. It might be painful for you to watch but she'll get it, eventually.

[Debbie-cat]

I also think tough love is in order and I like the broken record response..... "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure you'll find a solution." She needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet and quit living beyond her means and expecting everyone else to bail her out. Good luck, hang tough.

[rainbowgc]

I have found the phrase "I wish I could help but I can't" repeated as necessary quite effective.
Your sister seems to have quite the sense of entitlement - your mantra -under your breath if necessary "I deserve my own money because I earn it and spend it wisely" while completely ignoring your bratty, yes bratty sister!

[mom2matty]

I've been in your shoes with my little sister and for longer than I should have I guess I enabled her! I finally got wise and pretty much did what Greebo said. She wasn't happy at first but once I stopped helping her she stood up on her own 2 feet and figured it all out! She is in a much better place today and I couldn't be more proud of her and our relationship is better than ever now as well!!

[Sassyclass]

So sorry you are dealing with this. We are in the same boat with my fiancee's 23 year old son who won't take any job and feels the need to mooch off of everyone else. We have learned to let it go in one ear and out the other with no comment. It's hard to do at first but believe me it gets much easier.

Cat

[xtena]

I'd probably be a callous B! and risk ruining our relationship forever by telling her exactly why she's in the state she's in even though she doesn't want to hear it.

[MomK]

Say: "Times are tough for everyone. I wish I could help, but I can't. We've all got to prioritize our expenses right now. Good luck."

And good luck to you. It's hard to watch someone you love make mistakes.

[bluedog]

What they said!