I could use some advice............

[WV_mom_of2]

How do I teach my 13 year old son to not let a bully get to him? He's been having problems at school for about 5 weeks now. My ds is a very sweet, laid back, smart kid. He doesn't play sports because he isn't interested. They take up too much of his time, time that he'd rather use building things or cutting firewood or mowing the yard, etc. He is an outdoor boy, hunting and fishing and just doing whatever he can find outside. He is taller than most all the boys in his grade, handsome and up until this year, loved by everyone.

The first bully was the son of the school secretary. He kept coming up to ds in PE and calling him names and pushing him, etc. Ds finally asked him what the problem was and he told him he was mad at him because he saw ds talking to his girlfriend My ds is a very friendly kid and he talks to EVERYONE! So they worked the problem out.

Now we are up to two other kids bullying him. One is the son of a very religious family (who obviously don't learn anything when they go to church!) and one is the class "popular" kid. The religious kid seems to go to the other kid and get him to come and pick on my son. Popular kid comes from a family that doesn't give a crap what their kids do. Older brother has been in trouble at the high school this year for smoking pot(and somehow got out of trouble for it), they are always in fights, don't do their work, etc. I've known mom for several years and she spoils them rotten and just doesn't care what they do. They NEVER get in trouble at home for anything and if they get in trouble at school she is up there telling them how it's the schools fault, or the other kids fault, etc.

Ds came home yesterday really upset. In PE these two kids came up to him and started teasing him. My ds is NOT a sissy by any means but he has a gentle, tender heart coupled with the fact that he is 13 which is a weird age anyway. The boys are picking on him about his last name and telling him he looks like a beaver(his two front teeth on top do stick out a little). I don't care what anyone says, words DO hurt! I hate that they are picking on him, but honestly I think he's being a little to sensitive too. When he tells them to shut up they call him a stupid spam! It is better fried than typedspam! It is better fried than typedspam! It is better fried than typedspam! It is better fried than typedspam! It is better fried than typedspam! It is better fried than typedspam! It is better fried than typedspam! It is better fried than typedspam! It is better fried than typed and a stupid jackass.

I spent hours yesterday talking to him, and again this morning. I kept him home from school today because he is just so upset by all this. I've told him that a kid is a bully because something is wrong with THEM and they want others to feel bad about themselves too. I've told him that he can NOT control what others do or say, but he can control how he reacts to it. That when he gets mad he gives them what they want and that is why they keep doing it. I've told him if he laughs with them and makes a comment back about himself then walks off he leaves them looking stupid and they will find someone else to pick on. It's NO fun to bully if you get no reaction.

I called the school and talked to our idiot assistant principal yesterday. This woman is dumb as a box of rocks and I knew before I called that it would do no good. I reported the issue and told her that in PE yesterday the teacher saw what happened and pulled ds aside and questioned him about it. I told her I wanted her to question this teacher too. She ran me in circles like she always does. Nothing could be done if we didn't report it. If they were caught they'd be in trouble. She can't tell me what the policy is or what punishment they'd get, that's confidential. She can't take ds's word for it if it happens again, someone has to SEE it happen. Then in the same breath tells me that these kids are very good at hiding it when they do it. So basically we have a no bullying policy that does NO good at all. You report it, but unless a teacher sees it, they do nothing!

Our school is famous for letting issues slide and doing nothing about problems. There is a child in ds's class who starts a fight on a daily basis and never gets in trouble for it. The son of the secretary gets in trouble and gets sent to the office where his mom tears up the form and sends him back to class so he never gets in trouble. Bullying is rampant there, from pre-school to grade 8 and it's never dealt with. Teachers are allowed to scream and yell, get in kids faces, etc. and nothing is ever done about it. It's a horrible school, but the only one we have!

Part of me wants to tell ds to knock the living SH*T out of the kids the next time they start. However, I know that's not the answer. I want him to learn peaceful ways of dealing with things. Lord knows there is enough violence in this world as it is. But how do I teach a sensitive 13 year old boy to toughen up and not let words and name calling bother him?

Any advice?

[justpeachy92]

If the issue is that upsetting to your son that he is not able to attend school I would seriously consider legal advise. When my 15 year old was in middle school she had some issues with a few girls picking on her, it continued after I made several calls and visits to the principle. The last visit I told the principle she had better figure out how to get it to stop or the district as well as the involved students would be facing a law suit. Due to our last name, the basis of a suit would have been that of sexual harrassment. Most lawyers will give you a free consultation, see one and ask from a legal standpoint what can be done to get this to stop. The threat of a lawsuit worked for us, my dd was in 7th grade at the time, she is now in 9th grade and these girls have caused no more issues for my child.

[pbobber]

It sounds as if the school is going to let things slide as long as you let them let things slide. Here is what I would do. Get a notebook and note all issues/resolution attempts that you remember up to this point. From now on note when, where, and by who your son is bullied. Every time he is bullied, call the office and speak to the principle or the asst principle. Make notes of this convo in your notebook. Send a follow-up email reveiwing the jest of the conversation. Send this email to the principle, the asst principle, and the district superintendent.

Immediately call the asst principle again and tell her you want a copy of the bully policy. If she runs you in circles again, call the superintendent and tell him/her about the issues and that you want a copy of the policy. Note all conversations in your notebook and follow-up with emails. If the superintendent does not get you a copy of this policy, go to the school board.

The squeeky wheel does get the grease. Plus if you decide to take legal action, you have a strong papertrail of issues/resolution attempts.

Oh, and save all the emails that you send to the school and in every email you send, note the dates of previous attempts at resolution.

[mommy4ever]

I don't know that this will help. My ds was bullied to, it got physical for him.
I put him in a karate class, and each time there was an incident we talked with the Sensei, as the program was big on NOT using the karate, only if necessary in defense.

What they told us.

Always be aware of where your would be tormentor is, never let yourself be blindsided. Never put yourself in a position to be cornered alone with them. IF they come toward you, move to a group of friends, go ask the teacher a question. Don't allow yourself to be alone. Don't be obvious about it though. They may still approach you with friends, but then you'd have a witness.

As to the school admin.... time to get assertive adn proactive, the post above following up with an email that is cc'd to the board and other higher ups is a great way to deal with it. If it gets worse or happens again, dont' call, show up in person. Bring your husband with you. I let my hubby do it on his own. He's 6'3" and has a big voice. Most are a little intimidated by him and want to resolve it quickly. Let them know you are not happy to have you to take time away from your commitments(work etc) to deal with something that the school should be on top of. Tell them that you are documenting everything, and if this isn't being resolved, you will be taking further action.

Anyone can make a phone call and complain, a serious person talks to them in person.

[2ndGenGranola]

I agree. If talking to the school does nothing, get the law involved.

[G'MaDebbie]

Don't stop with just the teacher, school secretary or principal, GO TO THE TOP school official. Let them know that if the bullying doesn't stop, you have your lawyer, the local news and radio stations phone numbers on speed dial! That will get their attention.
IMHO all schools should have a zero tolerance policy on bullying. You just never know how far you are going to push someone until it is too late and someone ends up getting seriously injured or worse.

[norcalmommy]

You can also file a complaint with the state board of education. In CA if a district does not follow their own rules (bully, etc) you can call the state board od ed and get a complaint packet. The schools hate this. Not only is the school and district involved in the complaint packet, so is the county board of education. The complaint packet usually does a really good job at getting things taken care of. The district has so many days to resolve the problem or the state steps in. I don't know if that is how it works in your state, but it might be worth a phone call.

[ahmom]

My DH was a bully. He says that the bully is being bullied himself. Probably at home. He also says that the only way to stop it is to fight back.

[Michelle68]

My DH was a bully. He says that the bully is being bullied himself. Probably at home. He also says that the only way to stop it is to fight back.

That is really insightful, Ahmom.

Sherri, I really feel for you. My 20 year old DD was bullied quite a bit in elementary and in middle school. She is also a very sweet, gentle soul. Plus, she has developmental delays and a speech impediment. This made her prime bully fodder. It was a very painful experience and we also received little assistance from the schools. It really didn't stop until we bought our home a couple of miles away and from where we were renting. She ended up going to a new middle school in the eighth grade. The school and kids were great and she never had another problem with it.

My 13 year old DS,OTOH, does not really get bullied at school. He, also, is a pretty smart kid and doesn't participate too much in sports at school. When I asked my DS for advice concerning your son, he said his main way of dealing with bullies is to verbally outsmart them and stand up to them. He also suggested that your DS try to stick with a group of friends in those situations where he may run across these two kids. They will be less likely to bully him if he's with others.

I also agree with OP who have said to keep written records of any episodes where your son is bullied, any correspondence with the school, etc. That way, if you have to go the legal route, you have paperwork to back up everything.

Good luck and give your son a hug. (Although, if he's anything like my 13 year old DS, trying to give him a hug nowadays falls under the category as a definite parental "no-no". )

[heartofmine]

My daughter was bullied to the point she was having panic attacks and ended up having to go on pills for depression. She also spent a few days in the hospital after having such a severe panic attack she couldn't even breathe. I worked at the school and still couldn't get anything done until I point blank told the principal and the children involved that I would be calling their parents myself and that a lawyer would be involved. To this day I want to slap the snot out of my daughter's bullies especially one girl who caused all the trouble when I see them. They are adults now in their 20's. My daughter's self esteem went to nill and she still has self esteem problems all because the one little snot was jealous of my dd because her boyfriend kept trying to talk to my daughter. My daughter couldn't stand either one of them and kept telling the boy to leave her alone. These were 7th graders.

Whatever you have to do to get it stopped nip it in the bud.

[Mom2Many]

They're in a huge violation of the state policy. I hope you've documented everything so far. If you haven't, write down what you can remember included your converstation with the administration. Since your child is now missing school because of the bullying it's much worse for the school.

She said she can't tell you what the policy is-big bad there. Does your son have a planner or school handbook? It should be in there. If not, they need to prove they've provided a copy to you in writing. Although she was right that she can't tell you what the punishment is for the other students.

WV Code...

18-2C-2. Definitions.
As used in this article, "harassment, intimidation or bullying" means any intentional gesture, or any intentional written, verbal or physical act or threat that:

(a) A reasonable person under the circumstances should know will have the effect of:

(1) Harming a student;

(2) Damaging a student's property;

(3) Placing a student in reasonable fear of harm to his or her person; or

(4) Placing a student in reasonable fear of damage to his or her property; or

(b) Is sufficiently severe, persistent or pervasive that it creates an intimidating, threatening or abusive educational environment for a student.

§18-2C-3. Policy prohibiting harassment, intimidation or bullying.
(a) Each county board of education shall establish a policy prohibiting harassment, intimidation or bullying. Each county board has control over the content of its policy as long as the policy contains, at a minimum, the requirements of subdivision (b) of this section. The policy shall be adopted through a process that includes representation of parents or guardians, school employees, school volunteers, students and community members.

(b) Each county board policy shall, at a minimum, include the following components:

(1) A statement prohibiting harassment, intimidation or bullying of any student on school property or at school sponsored events;

(2) A definition of harassment, intimidation or bullying no less inclusive than that in section two of this article;

(3) A procedure for reporting prohibited incidents;

(4) A requirement that school personnel report prohibited incidents of which they are aware;

(5) A requirement that parents or guardians of any student involved in an incident prohibited pursuant to this article be notified;

(6) A procedure for documenting any prohibited incident that is reported;

(7) A procedure for responding to and investigating any reported incident;

(8) A strategy for protecting a victim from additional harassment, intimidation or bullying, and from retaliation following a report;

(9) A disciplinary procedure for any student guilty of harassment, intimidation or bullying; and

10) A requirement that any information relating to a reported incident is confidential, and exempt from disclosure under the provisions of chapter twenty-nine-b of this code.

(c) Each county board shall adopt the policy and submit a copy to the state superintendent of schools by the first day of December, two thousand one.

(d) To assist county boards in developing their policies, the West Virginia department of education shall develop a model policy applicable to grades kindergarten through twelfth. The model policy shall be issued by the first day of September, two thousand one.

(e) Notice of the county board's policy shall appear in any student handbook, and in any county board publication that sets forth the comprehensive rules, procedures and standards of conduct for the school.

Bottom line is the school should be able to show you the documentation of your child's bullying. If he reported it, there should be some sort of documentation. If she can't provide it, I would call the superintendant of schools with your documentation. Be as sweet as sugar and let them know that you tried to work with the school but they didn't feel it was a serious issue. If your county has a Safe Schools coordinator you might want to try them first...just to follow the chain of command.

I don't know what county you're in so I can't be of any more help.

[Thevail]

Bullying is incredibly hard for kids to deal with... your Ds has my sympathy. I finally dealt with the people who bullied me in High School. But it was really not Ok the way I did it. (Laxatives for the whole cheer squad)

I suggest that you take whatever steps you need to take to get this dealt with because a kid in a corner can get much nastier than an adult in the same corner. And right now your boy is in a corner.

But also, be really careful how you deal with this, because otherwise it'll move from school into real life..and the new taunt will be.."Ha ha..I see you had to get your mommy to stand up for you, you baby."

[militlady]

My sister is having the same issue with her 11 yo son. His blood pressure has even gotten really high and the doctor is considering putting him on medication for it. She is even going to withdraw him from school and home school him because he is being tormented in school and the administration won't do anything about. He is being physically and mentally abused by these bullys. They have punched him, kicked him, pulled his pants down, etc. I told her that she should probably involve the police and file a law suit if the school admin is inept and not willing to do their jobs. My nephew is even bordering on suicide.

Make the admin do their jobs or put their jobs in jeopardy. the bullying will not stop unless the consequences are enforced.

[Nana2two]

Thats really harrasment. I would take the issue to the district skip the deans and principle you know they wont do anything. My daughter is getting bullied for being short and she has pseriosis. They push her in the hall and shove her. I finally told her to turn around and smack the crap of them. Sometimes it takes 1 time for the bullies to get whats due and they will back off, if my daughter gets suspended so be it. She is straight A student.

[Momto2Boyz]

I would go to the school board too, as many suggested to file a formal complaint.

But I don't think I would get anymore directly involved than that, right now. Getting involved directly (ie talking to the other kids parents, etc.) may only cause embarassment to your son. I'm not saying that there isn't a situation in which this is warranted...if your son is in danger, or doesn't feel safe, then definately do it...but otherwise, he may end up being more embarassed that mom had to fight his battles for him, KWIM? (I came back to edit to say...that I wouldn't get directly involved...unles my son asked me to. Then it would be a different story!)

Having said that. I would focus on what you can do at home to work on your son's self esteem. At age 13, if he seems overly sensitive to what others think, it's probably becuase he doens't know what to think about himself, so he worries more about what others will think about him. Therefor, he believes what the other kids say about him, and it only hurts his self esteem further.

Maybe find some activities that he does enjoy that will nurture his self esteem and self worth. 13 is a hard age no matter what...trying to find yourself and figure out who you are and all that. So maybe helping him along by bolstering some of his interests and passions might help!

Don't just focus on the current problem at hand (because more than likely, unless your kid IS a bully, there will always be a bully around), try to broaden his spectrum and teach him that kids are bully's becuase they're jerks. Sometimes there is no reason for it, and try to show him that those kids opinions shouldn't mean a thing to him!