Just Wondering What You Would Have Decided and Why...

**Nana2two** · 04-23-2009, 01:41 AM

at 3 years old and playing doctor and house ,no biggie BUT if a mother is forwarning you about this and its been a few years since it happen,i would be a bit nervouse about it. My grandson is 5 and had a doctors set at 3 or so. but he checked knees, ears eyes even my toes.But never any where that would suggest a big NONO .Its really sad to say but i bet this little boy has had something done to him for him to respond in a way that the parents would be warning day care providers.

**Thevail** · 04-23-2009, 01:46 AM

I think you did the right thing. But,if the mother's concern was just that.. honesty and concern that you weren't left in the dark.. then she also did the right thing.

But nonetheless the whole situation was pretty screwed from that moment onwards. Kids can tell if you're acting wierd about them, or don't trust them, and in turn that makes them act wierd and angry.

If you had accepted the little boy, he would have noticed you watching him differently than you were watching the other little boy. Or noticed your hesitation or uncertainty whenever he was playing with a little girl.
And since most of the kids you watch are little girls...that would be nearly all the time.

You shouldn't have to add that stress to each and every day at work. And equally, the kid shouldn't have to feel that he's under some kind of hostile FBI surveillance at all times.

Talk about something likely to cause behavioral issues in a kid, even if he really doesn't have any now!

**Nishu** · 04-23-2009, 03:05 AM

on the one hand- it's weird that she would even bring it up...

On the other hand- judging by the way people react to such things nowadays it's hardly surprising that mom was so paranoid about it as to bring it up.

poor kid. at least he avoided being put on the sex offender registry.

**jantana** · 04-23-2009, 09:42 AM

You have to feel comfortable with what you do. For the child he may never do it again, but at least the mom did tell you. It would have been worse if you caught him in the act with another child. We run a foster home and many times have not been told of the children's past behaviors. Knowing everything about a child helps you to be aware of what to look for. But all in all, if you felt the least bit uncomfortable the child would have sensed it. We don't mean to do this but you may have treated the child differently not intending to do so.

42 foster kids have been through our home!

:

**Spudnic** · 04-23-2009, 12:09 PM

Well, as the mom of a little boy who is very curious and loves to explore and learn, I'm a bit torn here. I think that too many parents today worry about every little touch, every action that *could* be sexual in nature, but could just as easily (and more likely) be innocent. What happened to kids being kids and exploring and learning about themselves and the world? Kids are naturally curious. There is *nothing* wrong with little kids being curious and friendly. To think that a 3 or 4 year old child would be viewed as a sexual deviant is wrong to me. Playing doctor does NOT a sex offender make.

I guess if I were in your situation I would have talked much more at length to the mom to find out exactly what happend, when, how many times, if it was ongoing, etc. The fact that it was so many years ago tells me there is something wrong with the mom for bringing it up, rather than the child. I know that your first concern is for the kids you watch, but I would be just as concerned about that boy. If it was nothing more than a child's early self-exploration, then that mother is doing a great dis-service to her son by labeling him. If she keeps telling this to people, and he keeps getting denied care, where does that leave him? I just fear that it is a problem of the mother's making and the poor boy is stuck in the middle.

Just my thoughts, and yes, it could be that there truly is a problem there, in which case, you were right to send him away. I guess the important thing is that you are comfortable with your decision.

**monkeywrangler71** · 04-23-2009, 02:22 PM

I just want to clarify my earlier post. I don't think the boy is a threat, I think the mother is a threat.

If she's not telling the whole story she can not be trusted, but more importantly, if she is then she is trouble. She thinks normal preschool exploration is somehow wrong and spends the next god knows how many years warning people about her son. If she can have an overreaction that extreme about her own child's behaviour, what's her response going to be to you if her son scrapes his knee, learns something she considers inappropiate, or even gets his shirt dirty while under your care? What kind of accusations will she make of you?

Poor kid, yes, but not worth risking your reputation and livelihood over.

**savvy_sniper** · 04-23-2009, 03:27 PM

My "gut" instincts have never steered me wrong! I just had to learn to listen to them. I think you followed your gut and that was the right thing to do.

**Toonces2** · 04-23-2009, 03:35 PM

I have to say, I just dont get this mom. She warns you about her son but doesnt elaborate. You decide not to take him(dont blame you) and the dad calls back and says, no it was 3 YEARS ago.

I'm guessing that they were lying to you and that this is ongoing because why would she bring up something that happened 3 YEARS ago. Heck my youngest was having accidents 3 years ago when she was potty training but I dont warn people about them now. Kids explore and her son playing doctor when he was 4 years old does not make him a deviant that she needs to warn all people that come into contact with him.

If they were telling the truth about it being 3 years ago then I would worry about this moms sanity that she feels she needs to tell people about this or is even paranoid about it 3 years later.

You made the right decision. Dont question it for a second. Your sanity and the protection of the little ones in your care are more important.

I feel sorry for that little boy!!!!

**spyzvixxen** · 04-23-2009, 05:56 PM

I agree that you did the right thing. You also have to look out for the other children that you watch. There may be more to the story. Always go with your gut. No amount of money is worth the guilt if something happened.

**mom2bobsarah** · 04-24-2009, 09:34 AM

I think you did the right thing, I think perhaps you could have (if you wanted to at the time) asked maybe a few more questions to feel out the situation, ie. what makes you bring up something that happened at age 4 that is perfectly normal? And then assess the situation from there. You could then get an idea if they think there is something more to it (perhaps he was abused by someone and they are afraid he will repeat the behavior on someone else), they are not aware that this is perfectly normal behavior for a 4 yo, or it happened more than that one time. KWIM? Personally, I would err on the side of caution myself with just the info that you provided. It seems like they were being evasive and perhaps desperately needed childcare, hence the father's comments. You can not jeopardize your other childrens' safety (or your business) on a maybe, just my opinion.

So I seem to have rambled but I hope some of it was helpful.

**LuvMyHubby** · 04-26-2009, 08:21 AM

I think you did the right thing, you can't make a good and informed decision on the child staying if it feels like the patents has conflicting views, you have other children to protect.

However, I think if the situation ever arises again there is some pretty good advice on doing more sleuthing if you are at a crossroad.