Just Wondering What You Would Have Decided and Why...

[QM]

Long Story…(grab a coffee before reading)

Boy's name is 100% fictitious...

I run a home childcare. On Monday evening I had a family just finish signing their flex care family and give me payment ...for 4 weeks in the summer. Just before the mother finished signing the contract she said, "Oh there is something about "Samuel" that I should tell you. He has a history of playing doctor with girls. We've told him that it's not allowed, but I wanted to let you know so that you supervise him properly." I tried not to react or look surprised, we discussed it a little, then they gave me the deposit and left.

Side Note: This mom is friends with my other daycare mom. This could become a sticky situation.

I phoned and spoke to the mother and told her that I spoke with my husband about what she told me about 'Samuel', and we don't feel comfortable having me care for him. I told her that I have four girls and one boy in my care that are always supervised, but I still don't feel comfortable with what she had told me. I told her that the safety of the children has to come first. I apologized for having her take her and her husband's time out of her schedule to sign the contract and pay for the weeks, but it wouldn't have gone as far as signing the contract had she told me about this during the first interview.

About 3 to 5 minutes later, the husband phoned back and very politely spoke with me. He told me that his wife was quite taken a back and surprised with what I told her. He said that this incident of playing 'doctor' with two other girls happened 3 years ago when he was 4 years old...he's now 7. They just make sure to tell everybody that their rule is 'no playing house or doctor' to prevent something like that from happening again. They just tell people because they want to be very diligent with how their child and other children are cared for.

My gut feeling changed after speaking with the father. I can't say I was 100% comfortable with this, but I don’t think anybody should ever be 100% comfortable when mixed genders are playing together. DH wasn’t too keen on the situation, but I don't think we should penalize the mother for her honesty. If it did happen 3 years ago, I'm not sure if I were the mother I would have said anything. (That is a long time ago.)

DH told me to make the final decision because he was a little grey, so I phoned the dad and told him that I will care for their son.

After discussion with friends who have been placed in sexual assault situations in their childhood, I decided the next morning that I still didn’t feel comfortable. My children’s safety is worth far more than money.

I ended up getting hold of the mother on her cell phone and explained that I've slept on it and even though her husband had valid points as to why she told me, it still doesn't sit well with me. She told me that she doesn't want me to think anything bad of her child, and I said I don't. I said that it must have been concern enough for her to tell me which gives me a concern. I don't want the entire time he is here to be on edge. She said that that's fine that we can call it a day. I told her I'll write void on her cheque and mail it back to them. I did so after the phone call and mailed the voided cheque back to them last night.

What are your thoughts and views on this situation? Would you have not accepted this child into your home children (if you ran one)? I know that I made the right decision because I’ll be able to breathe easier that my girls are safe, but I wonder if this whole thing wasn’t all blown out of proportion because of the mother’s ‘honesty’. Who's to say that they are being honest about the 'three years ago' part or not excluding other smaller strange incidences. I am not going to reconsider. My decision is final, but I am curious what you would have decided and why. Thanks in advance for your responses.

[mommy4ever]

You have to go with your gut instinct. When she first told you, she made it sound like it was ongoing. Then when you talked to them about it later.. it's "oh it was 3 years ago". I don't know. As a home child care provider myself, I wouldn't have taken on that chance. There are times when your eyes aren't on them. You need to use the washroom, change a baby, make a meal, help a child that hurt themselves. It doesn't take long for something to happen. So it's better you deal with a child you don't feel on edge about. Their candor should have come in the first interview, not just before contracts, and only partial truths, potentially, were given.

If it did only happen at 4, it was just natural curiosity, it happens, but that they are still concerned, for it me it makes me uneasy that there may be bigger problems with the child.

[WV_mom_of2]

I would not have taken the child. I have done in home daycare and it just sounds fishy to me. The fact that she waited until you agreed to take him and she had signed the contract to throw it out there bothers me. The fact that it still bothers HER after 3 years bothers me. The fact that she didn't tell you it was three years ago when you called to express your concern bothers me. Maybe it was three years ago and maybe they are desperate for childcare and dad just told you that so you would reconsider. You can't be too careful!

[monkeywrangler71]

I don't think there is anything deviant about a 3 year old playing doctor. If there is nothing more to it, then the mother bringing it up for the next 4 years is absolutely bizarre.

Either there is something else to it, or the mother is nuts. Probably a good idea to steer clear either way.

[JustMegan79]

I agree. I think that if I were in that situation, I also would have felt uneasy. And like you, the entire time he was in my care I would have been on edge, and he possibly would be receiving more attention than the other children, thereby reducing the other kids standard of care in some capacity. Not to mention the internal stress or anxiety it would be causing you.

The mother should have mentioned it in the first interview, and I think maybe she didnt, because possibly she is having trouble finding care for her child due to this problem, and she wanted to casually mention it whilst signing contracts, assuming that you would be ok with it because you need the work. I could be totally off base. But either way, I think you made the right choice. A child's safety (boys or girls) is more important than money. Period.

Another thought...had you accepted him for care, and other parents found out about his history, they may have been quite disturbed about it and looked for care elsewhere.

[FrugalMomof3]

This is a tough situation but I feel you did the right thing. Even though it was 3 years ago it's still in him KWIM? I mean I wouldnt feel comfortable either and would have done the same thing as you. Children are the main priority in this situation, you cannot take the chance of something happening.

[TigerGirl1226]

I do this that you have to follow your gut in situations like this. That being said I don't see anything wrong with a 4 year old that had played doctor and by 7 had been told it was wrong and no longer did it. Maybe she brought it up because it had been an issue at a prior day care. Not really sure. I know sometimes I forget to bring up important stuff when doing paper work, too.

Again, you have to go with your gut when you make decisions like this.

[frugalfranny]

I totally agree with your decision.
And think WV Mom of 2 was right on! While reading; I felt all sorts of flags go up and I have never had a daycare. If she is still bringing it up....why? If, and I see a big IF here,...it is no longer a problem why bring it up? Or are they sure it isn't a problem? I just see/felt all was not being said about it by the parents. Maybe call the prior daycares that they have used....if U can do that, and ask about any prior problems.

[QM]

...Maybe call the prior daycares that they have used....if U can do that, and ask about any prior problems.

I don't need to because I've already told the parents that I'm not comfortable caring for him, and I voided the cheque and mailed it back to them.

[2ndGenGranola]

IMO I would much rather work with someone who admits a problem rather than deny a problem.

I look at it this way -- according to the state map, there are 3 sex offenders in our subdivision. One even worked for our air conditioning company and was at our house (supervised - before I knew of his status). Am I overjoyed? No! I am relieved to know which houses to avoid and knowing that the kids will not be walking to the park alone (must pass 1 house). I would much rather work with the known rather than the not knowing -- should I let them walk? that man gives me the creeps, is there something to it? and such.

Even with a child bad reputations stick. A childhood friend is still known for her picking her nose in the early grades. I would think Mom was being honest before you heard of any gossip or rumors and started making questions. I would take the kid in with the understanding that he would be gone if there was any "funny business".

[LastDragonfly]

I think you did the right thing. You would be liable if something happened to one of the little girls (and boys) and you were aware there was an "issue". Home daycare is stressful enough, one less thing you have to worry about.

I think mom and dad are grasping at straws. Where did this kid go LAST summer? Why isn't he returning?

[norcalmommy]

I think you did the right thing. I used to have a small daycare. It can be hard finding the right match when it comes to kids. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells around a child, it will make your days very hard.

[Persimmon Lace]

Great, so now a 4 year old child who is now 7 and has not done it again will have the privilege of being marked from now on. He was 4, playing doctor doesn't rise to the level of sex predator. Good grief. It's called childhood curiousity. When I first read your post I was shocked that he was as young as he is. If that mom is smart she won't label her child with that as it will cause more problems than not. Had he been older and still doing it yeah, a problem but not this age. Unless there was also abuse in his life and it was an actual sexual assault he will carry this label all of his because he played doctor at the age of 4.

[QM]

Great, so now a 4 year old child who is now 7 and has not done it again will have the privilege of being marked from now on. He was 4, playing doctor doesn't rise to the level of sex predator. Good grief. It's called childhood curiosity. When I first read your post I was shocked that he was as young as he is. If that mom is smart she won't label her child with that as it will cause more problems than not. Had he been older and still doing it yeah, a problem but not this age. Unless there was also abuse in his life and it was an actual sexual assault he will carry this label all of his because he played doctor at the age of 4.

I completely agree with you. If it was a non-issue and he hadn't done whatever he did playing doctor again, then the mom shouldn't have told me. I would never have known and a red flag would never have been raised. I'm wondering if there are other 'smaller incidences' that have occurred and the mother isn't mentioning them. Why would someone tell you something like this three years after the fact if there were no other warning signs. Something with this picture isn't right.

If it was a one time incident that occurred when her child was four (curiosity being completely age appropriate), then the mother should shut her mouth and not label her child. It just makes me wonder if there isn't more to the story that I don't know.

I'm sorry that this entire thing occurred, but the safety of my children and my daycare children must come first. I'm not the type of person to 'risk children' safety'. No amount of money is going to make me place my child in a potentially harmful situation. KWIM?

[Persimmon Lace]

When I worked at the preschool we had a mom come in all distraught because her child had done the whole play doctor thing, he was 4. We calmed her down and told her he wasn't a predator. She felt obligated to tell us because, well honestly I don't know why she told us, I think she needed some reassurance she wasn't raising a criminal. We were well trained in those areas and in the 13 years I worked with that age group we never had a problem.

I would have asked some very direct questions just to get to the bottom of it. If it is something that has continued for him then they do need to get to the root cause. HE may have been abused at some point and time. But if it was a one time thing I would have viewed that as a childhood curiosity thing and taken him.