So frustrated with dh

**my4littlebuffaloes** · 04-27-2009, 08:41 AM

I just need to preface this little vent by saying that I am still dealing with my finger and can't use it much, which really limits what I do.

Last year we knew that we would need to divide this one hosta plant this year. WE had the spot all marked out as to where to put it. This thing was huge. There is a very small window of time to divide them. Within a few days they went from just sprouting to 6 inches tall. I knew it was yesterday or not at all this year. They would be too big if we waited another week.

I can't really be doing yard work, so I asked dh to divide the hostas while I ran to the store (we were trying to cram it in between many other things yesterday). I get back and he is done already. I casually ask if he watered everything well. Nope, he didn't. I have to ask him to water them while I make lunch. later I go out to check on the kids and pass by the original hosta. He didn't fill the hole in when he removed 3/4 of it. I have to ask him to fill in the hole. He gets really mad at me. Why should I even have to ask?

He wants to know where to get the dirt from. Well we have several bags sitting on our front porch (not where I want them, but where he put them) right by the hosta hole. He claims he has done it. I go out there and he dug a hole in the flower bed closer to the house to fill in the hole by the hosta. At this point I get really mad and he gets really mad too. The whole thing is ridiculous. He knows how to transplant stuff why is he acting like this.

So I point out that he also should have repositioned what was left of the hosta so that it would be centered, he does it, but plants it leaning to one side. I get angry and grab the shovel and dig up the whole thing for the third time yesterday and straighten it out, but we still need a bunch more dirt. I ask him to get dirt from the front porch and he throws 2 handfuls on it and calls it done. I told him that wasn't enough and he got furious and said I should do it myself. Well apparently if I want it done right I will have to. So I totally had to get my incision covered in dirt to fix the hosta and rewater everything.

I mean really, was all of this necessary? It drug out the whole day and we had to get out tools 4 times to fix the mess he created. If he had just taken the extra 10 minutes to take care of it correctly and completely to start with it would have been so much easier. Combine that with having to basically pick up after 6 people all the time and I am in a really bad mood. I know he is stressed about work, but if he didn't feel up to doing the hostas this year then he should have said something. I asked him if he had time to do it yesterday of if we should wait until next year and he said he would do it. I am just at the end of my rope with a lot of things right now and this whole situation threw me over the edge. Of course he thinks I am unreasonable for wanting the hole filled in and the plants watered. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**ml2620** · 04-27-2009, 08:58 AM

Ugh, husband's can be annoying sometimes. Oh, and yesterday working in the yard we literally WATCHED our hosta's grow - they do grow fast!

This is also something my husband and I have to work on, communication and getting on the same page. Was there a game on TV or something else going on that would explain why your husband was not interested in doing this properly? Was it discussed in advance or did you spring it on him?

Yesterday, I got up at 6:30 before it got too hot to move and stack our wood pile. I just don't do well in the heat! I let my husband sleep in and read the newspaper. At 11:00, I went in the house, showered, picked up the kitchen and stretched out on the screened porch to read the headlines myself and bang, I was out cold asleep. When my husband found me there he was very mad, as he was out in the garden rototilling and COULD NOT BELIEVE I was sleeping when there was wood to be stacked and a thousand other chores to do. We were not communicating, we were not on the same page, from his perspective I was being lazy.

When I pointed out the wood had already been moved and stacked, and that I was in the house because it was too hot to work, and I assured him I'd be back out after 3 p.m. when it started to cool off he stepped off with the hostility. He needs to know my plans and priorities and vice versa. Sometimes, they just aren't the same and we have to give ourselves some space.

Your DH might have thought you were coming on too strong with the chores when he just wasn't up for it. He also might not realize what you can and can't do with your injuries (since you seem to do everything!), and you are probably a little short tempered because you are really frustrated right now.

Not placing blame, vent away (I was SO ANNOYED my DH didn't realize I had MOVED AND ENTIRE WOODPILE before 11 a.m. yesterday!), just cut the DH a little slack and he will find a way to make it up to you.

**WV_mom_of2** · 04-27-2009, 09:19 AM

I think when the wife gets sick the men just fall apart! I know my dh is a really capable man but let me get sick and it's like he's two years old again! And I really think they get a little jealous of us needing attention too.

I hope you didn't make your finger worse! On the hostas note, I have several different kinds and I've separated them and replanted all during the spring and summer season. It hasn't hurt any of mine to separate them after they are big. I have some that bloom and I've even separated them and shared with people while they were in bloom.

I hope he's in a better mood today and treats you better. You need to take care of yourself and that finger!

**geckoace** · 04-27-2009, 10:03 AM

my dh gets like this too. i find that if i write down what needs to be done (and i mean ALL the steps LOL) then read it to him casually before i go off to do whatever my part is he gets it done. if i verbally request something from dh he gets defensive but if its down on paper somehow that is ok. also it helps if i write down what im doing on the list too he feels like hes not doing all of the work.

when i am hurt i begin any request with "i was gonna do it but im afraid ill re injure my _____" to emphaisze the fact that i am aware that i am asking him to do something i would do (even if thats not 100%) and that i really appreciate him doing it for me (even if its something he was supposed to do anyway)

sorry you had so much friction

**Homekeepn** · 04-27-2009, 10:08 AM

I know what you going through. When I ask my DH to do something for me it is never when I want/need it done. For example:

* The bathroom floor started before Christmas...not finished
* The outside door replaced...We have had the door for two years
now, just need to install it.
* I asked him to hang a shelf for me a month ago. My drill died so,
I needed his. When I ask for his, He tells me that he will do it.

I could go on, but really you get the point. Do all men do this? I swear if I mention that these things need to get done, it will just get delayed even longer. I think it is a macho thing for him kinda like "I am not going to do it right now just because she asked me, I will do it later when I feel like it. I will show her that I will not jump just because she snapped her fingers."
It is a big deal not to look "whipped" in front of your buddies.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 04-27-2009, 10:26 AM

Most men are either too lazy or they procrastinate. They think it's up to the wife to do the work and if they don't want to do it, they either a) do it halfway or b) get all mad about it.

My DH procrastinate but he gets things done the right way when he finally gets to it. I think that's because he's afraid I'll blow a gasket if it isn't done the right way.

I don't blame you for getting mad at your DH about it. His manner of doing it halfway really needs some work. I'd have smacked my DH in the head with a shovel if he did that to me.

**Cricketlegs** · 04-27-2009, 11:40 AM

They all have their moments.

I have mine too!

**cmdarlin** · 04-27-2009, 12:44 PM

I have to be careful around my DH too. He snaps a lot lately. I really have to think about what or how I say anything because he takes everything so seriously.

Debbie

**nancycg56** · 04-27-2009, 12:52 PM

I think men are just wired differently. After 30 years of marriage, my DH knows what I mean when I ask him to plant something but at the beginning ~ yikes! Sometimes I felt like I was instructing a child. He'll usually run the scenario by me in case I change my mind ~ which is my big problem, LOL!

**cab54** · 04-27-2009, 12:52 PM

After 31 years together, my DH and I do very few work-related things 'together'. It works splendidly. He may ask me for help (can't men do anything by themselves?), but I RARELY ask him for help. I learned a looooong time ago.

**Pemberleyan** · 04-27-2009, 01:40 PM

Originally Posted by cab54

After 31 years together, my DH and I do very few work-related things 'together'. It works splendidly. He may ask me for help (can't men do anything by themselves?), but I RARELY ask him for help. I learned a looooong time ago.

Oh, boy, I am trapped in the opposite situation. We've been building a house for over 8 years, and I'm half the construction crew. Guess who the other half is. The most frustrating thing is when I can see he's doing something wrong, ask him not to do it that way, maybe THREE TIMES, and he does it anyway, with the shoddy result because of not doing it my way. Don't build a house together!

I'm sure this is all part of God's plan for me to learn patience, though.