Jokes

[ml2620]

Sometimes you just need a laugh. I got this from a friend this morning, it just cracked me up. Do you have a good, clean joke to share?

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,”I thought you said I had another 43 years. Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

God replied: "I didn't recognize you!"

[cab54]

Oh, LORD! I am LMAO! Thanks, I needed this today!

I am 54, so it really hits home.

[onencgirl]

Thanks for the laugh.

[BlueEyes]

Haha. Funny.

Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

I'm so guilty of #6 every time I drive up North to see family. LOL.

[Rebookie]

HAH! that is funny!

[zakity]

I am so guilty of #6 also. We made it to St Louis from Portland in 39 hours (with a 5 year old and two 3 year olds!!).

[ml2620]

Here's another one I enjoyed this week...

An old Soprano-type lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

[ml2620]

Hmm, all night sexfest and massages, what man wouldn't like that gift! LOL!

I caught this on the thread about gifts for men, and it reminded me of a joke I heard not too long ago.

It was Grandpa's 95 birthday, and a beautiful young woman came to Grandpa and said to him "I hear it's your birthday, I'd like to give you super sex for your birthday."

And grandpa said "That's sounds great, I'll take the soup!"

[frugalfranny]

That was cute.........so were the others.......I needed a good smile/chuckle today....thanks for giving it to me.

[frugalwarrior]

Thanks for all the jokes. I shared them w/ my DD and we got a good chuckle.

[FrugalMomof3]

Everyone needs a good joke every once in a while and these were great! lol

[Surilda]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"



"Because you got an F in sex."

[MomK]

Cute jokes! Thank you!

[dianeeileen]

Ok I have a good one for you,

A barn cat dies and goes to heaven. God seeing the furry fellow exclaims , "Barn Cat I have been waiting for you. You were an excellent cat, tell me now how can I reward you ? " The barn cat thought a moment and smiled. "Well God the barn was a good place to live but chasing my dinner all the time was tiring and the floor was so hard. I would love a soft cushion to lay and soak up the sun". God smiled, "be assured Barn cat all your needs will be provided for". The next day three little mice showed up at heavens gate. God was waiting for them. "Little mice welcome to heaven. I see by your charts that you have been excellent mice. Tell me how may I reward your good behavior. The mice talked amongst themselves and turned to God. "Well God you see, all our lives we lived in this barn and were chased by the resident cat. He about chased us to death. If it would not be too much trouble we would like little roller skates so that we skate around heaven and feel safe. So God fashion each a tiny pair of skates and presented them with a golden key. A few days latter God was making his rounds of heaven. God beamed because there was cat sleeping upon his cushion soaking up the sun. "Cat,how are you finding heaven so far? " Cat smiled widely, "Oh God this is the most comfortable cushion I ever slept on, and those meals on wheels you sent by were excellent too.

[Guest57]

THAT was PRICELESS!!! Lesson to be learned: BE HAPPY WITH THE WAY YOUR CREATOR CREATED YOU...