Need advise.

**lindsey02** · 04-30-2009, 07:13 PM

5 months ago my husband I took in a friend of the familys 9 year old grand daughter. Her mother left her when she was 2. Her grandmother who was her primary caregiver died 2 years ago. Her father who tried to care for her is now in jail. Before we took custody we used to take her one weekend a month. Now that she lives with us it is like she is a completley different child. She throws these hour long crying fits over every small thing daily. She is very clingy and every time my husband and I try to watch tv in our room or ask her to play in her room she throws a fit and we can not get a moment alone. She is very damanding and manipulates and lies to get what she wants. She hangs on my husband or any other male that comes into the house. We tell her not to hang on them and try to cuddle up to them (it makes them uncomfortable) but she continues to do it every chance she gets. I caught her being mean to my yorkie by pushing his head into the couch. We have tried punishing her but nothing seems to work. I also found out that I am 10 weeks pregnant. I am concerned with what is going to happen once the baby comes. I know she needs therepy but I can not afford to pay out of pocket for it right now. Since she is not family and we dont have have a foster care license we do not get any help from the state. We did apply for medicaid for her but the social worker says that she does not think we will qualify because we make to much money. I dont know if I should continue to try and make this work or if I should just contact the social worker to find other arrangments. I feel like a bad person even thinking about giving up on her but I think I didnt know what I was getting into and maybe in over my head. I do not have any children of my own so this is starting to make me think that I will not have the patients to be a good parent to the baby I am about to have. Any thoughts or advise.

**jmd5294** · 04-30-2009, 07:28 PM

You are, in effect, a kinship foster home for her. Contact your county's DHS or whatever they are called where you live. They will set her up as a foster child in your home, and you will be kinship foster parents for her. You will have to go through their background checks, homestudy, and training, but it will be worth it for the support you'll get in the end.

That will enable her to be put on medicaid, and get the help she needs with therapy.

Your husband needs to be the one to tell her to stop cuddling with him, and he needs to get up and move if she doesn't stop-- do not put that control in her hands. She's 9.

From what little you have described, I HIGHLY recommend the book "When Love is not enough: a guide to parenting children with reactive attachment disorder"

Your baby will not come with these issues, and you are very smart for thinking of how she will react to a new baby in the house. Get help now for her. You can make it work, but it will be a lot of effort, and you need help from your county.

**butterflygreen** · 04-30-2009, 07:39 PM

I agree with jmd you need to contact the dhs in your area/ and possibly ask the school counsler for advice. They could point you in the right place to get the help she needs.

**hotprincesscm** · 04-30-2009, 07:55 PM

I was thinking that the school may offer some sort of counseling or programs...She definitely needs some counseling...Wow...poor kid...Have you tried setting up charts or reward systems for her? Keeping her busy with positive activities and such may help her readjust...it sounds like she's been through so much. Maybe take it one little baby step at a time...such as..."if you refrain from such and such behavior for the day...you can pick the desert of your choice after dinner" Or make it a weekly basis where she does such and such thing and gets a small prize such as a toy from the dollar store or something? My prayers are with your family!

**Thevail** · 05-01-2009, 01:10 AM

You really do need to get hold of the local Health and Human Services agency (don't know what it's called where you live).

You feel really overwhelmed, and that's perfectly normal, because there is a huge difference between the child in her own environment and "visiting" your home one weekend a month, and the child losing the last thread of her own life (first mother, then grandma, then father) and living with you full time.

Everyone (you, your hubby, and her) will need help adjusting to becoming an "instant family" with a child who is justifiably upset. They have all sorts of classes, therapy, support groups etc.
Take a deep breathe, you're doing fine!
And now, like the elephant's child.."go, and find out!"

**rachelj** · 05-01-2009, 08:52 AM

It sounds like this girl has attachment disorder. She needs counseling badly.

I worked (before kids I was a mental health counselor) with a couple of girls who had severe cases of this and unless addressed won't get any better.

**VanVivCam** · 05-01-2009, 09:34 AM

First, I must say how loving you and your hubby must be to open your home and hearts to her. Second, I wouldn't give up on her. Like the others posted....find out the services available to you and use them.

Good luck and God bless you for wanting to provide a warm, loving, and stable environment for her.

**Lora88** · 05-01-2009, 09:45 AM

This maybe an unpoplar response but I feel I must make it. This little girl needs to evaluated by professionals so that you and your husband know exactly what your getting into. She may have problems that are beyond your capabilites to handle. you said you are pregnant and that may make her behavior even worse as she may feel even more displaced. I understand your wanting to help and do the right thing but without knowing exactly whats going on with her its hard to make a judgement as to the correct thing to do You need to be completely honest with yourself as to what you can handle because this is a huge commitment.

**MomK** · 05-01-2009, 05:45 PM

I have no advice to add other than what's already been posted. Good luck with whatever decisions you make.

God bless you in your choices.

**mrsfoamy** · 05-02-2009, 11:20 AM

There is a university in my town that has a doctoral psychology program. They offer free counseling to qualified people. Those providing the counseling are a year away from their PhD and are overseen by the professors. See if something like this is available to you.

**lilk** · 05-02-2009, 01:48 PM

Congrats on the baby. I can understand your concern, and would be worried about how the child will act when the baby comes.
I would think you should be able to get some kind of financial, and medical assiatance for her. I'd be talking to the social worker, and tell her you need to get her help. Sometimes you have to ask before they will let you know what all is avaliable to you.
Ask the school if they have counceling and any other services that might be of help to her and your family.
If you go to church, your preacher may be able to councel her and your family for free.
Maybe you and your dh need to set up a date night, so you can have sometime alone. Or put the little girl to bed early so you two can watch a movie together.
You are in my prayers, I hope you can continue to help the little girl. She is very lucky to have you and your dh. IHTH!

**jantana** · 05-02-2009, 02:40 PM

I know exactly where you are at. DH and I have been foster parents for 11 years now. We have had 42 kids come through our home. We have 5 in our home at the moment. It can be very overwhelming. There are times when things just set kids off. It could be a memory, a feeling or they just want to throw a tantrum. You have to be able to recognize them.

As far as her being more affectionate to men, we had that problem also. Your DH needs to be very firm with her about the situation. We always said we would only have boys, but did have a couple of girls. One was just like that, We were always afraid that she would go back and tell her caseworker that DH had initiated the affection if you know what I mean.

Through the years there were just some kids that we could not handle and we have had our share. We now have special needs kids. This child certainly needs therapy. She has suffered many losses and until she can come to grips with it, it will get worse.

Another thing is you have to stand your ground, if you give in, she knows what she can and cannot get away with. You and hubby should always have a united front with her. Kids that have been around, know the system. They know how to play people off each other.

As far as your new baby, no problems. THis is your baby, you and hubby will be raising and setting things right from the beginning. Love will overcome anything you are feeling right now.
I agree do get her counseling wherever you can find it. Call around because there has to be places. I have learned to ask questions, cause if you don't you won't get answers. Don't be afraid to tell them about it being a financial burden. Therapy cost, plus medication if they decide she needs it.
Just remember God never gives us more than we can handle. Ask for his help. Always been there for us. I'll be praying. But also if you think this is too much for you, no one will think less of you, if she needs help, she needs to be where someone is qualified to give it.

**Emarie** · 05-02-2009, 03:11 PM

Catholic charities is a good place to contact. They have a lot of services, including counseling, regardless of your religious affiliation.

**G'MaDebbie** · 05-02-2009, 03:12 PM

Please don't give up on her. I know it is tough, but like Jantana, my husband and I are foster parents also. Right now we have 3 foster children, 1 boy and 2 girls. The girls are sisters and the oldest one is constantly looking for my husband's attention. When we first got her, we must have told her 40-50 times a day not to try to hang on him, dont try to sit on his lap, dont touch his face and chest, etc.....it was exhausting to say the least, but here we are 2 months later and although she does sometimes forget, she knows what the rules are and what is appropriate touching and what is not. Yes, she does have a child abuse counselor that she sees once a week, but my husband and I have done most of the work with her.
The only advice I can give you is to be consistant, dont back down from her and try to be patient. She is testing you to see if you are going to leave her also. I would get on the phone and call every agency you can to find some help for all of you.....dont quit calling, if one cant help, try another. There HAS TO BE help out there somewhere.
OH MY! I just looked and you are only 25 and have taken on this child...GOD BLESS YOU, there arent many people your age who would do this kind of thing.
Your baby will be just fine, you will be able to raise your child on your own with no other influences, this little girl has had too many people in and out of her life and she only wants to know that you arent going anywhere. Just keep loving her, in time it will get better. Im always here if you need a shoulder. Good luck to you!

**heartofmine** · 05-02-2009, 08:07 PM

I would start making phone calls now. There has to be help for this child somewhere. She has a definate fear of being left again thus the clingyness and acting out about being left alone. If she has a problem with your little dog and tried to hurt it she could very well try to hurt a new baby out of jealousy because she is having to share attention. She needs counsiling definately.

I do have to wonder if you really do need to keep her since you are pregnant. Its going to take much more than the few months you have left of your pregnancy to truly give her the help she needs. As hard as it is to think about giving her up you have to think about the safety of your own baby too and whether or not you can handle all the responsibility of her. She might be better off in a home where no other children are present so that she can be worked with and taught basically how to love and be loved without fear of them leaving or sending her away. You and your husband really need to discuss what is best for her and for your family unit with the new child coming.