Need To Vent

**Shelli_wnj** · 06-30-2009, 12:27 PM

Well, as some of you know, my husband and I are separated. Long story short, he was drinking too much and I had to ask him to leave for the safety of the kids. He has started cleaning himself up, but is still a long ways off from moving back in. Well, he is staying at his parent's house, along with another of his brothers who just had a liver transplant (can you say runs in the family?) So his father is all bent out of shape about his house being taken over by former drunks (can I say he is also in recovery?). He is trying to force both boys out of the house. My husband is telling me that when we go to texas (the kids and I are going to see my mom next month) that he will move back in downstairs (mostly used for storage right now, not much down there). He wants to come home, but I am not ready for it.

Now my fil is sending me inconsiderate emails stating I am the cause for all the problems. when I didn't respond to the last one I guess he got angry. I had sent out an email to just about everyone I know with recent pictures of the kids, just a blanket "here's pics of the kids for those of you who were asking" type email. He replies to ALL stating he doesn't know me or my family. WHAT??? HE DOESN'T WANT HIS GRANDKIDS ANYMORE??? Tell me this is insane?!

Ok, done venting. Thank you

You know, sometimes just getting it out helps. I dont talk to family about this stuff 'cause I just don't want 1. to get others dragged into it and 2. to "taint" his name to people who still have a relationship with him, you know?

**nodmicks** · 06-30-2009, 12:46 PM

I'm so sorry this is all happening! Hang in there and vent away

**savvy_sniper** · 06-30-2009, 12:51 PM

So sorry, keep your chin up!

FYI - When you send an email to lots of people use bcc. That way NONE of the email addresses show to others and a reply to all won't work!

**Shelli_wnj** · 06-30-2009, 12:55 PM

I just didn't think it would be an issue. But I will do that from now on!

**rowdy35** · 06-30-2009, 02:53 PM

sorry you are going through this. I was raised in an alcoholic home and I say "do what is best for your kids"

it is very traumatic for children to be exposed to alcoholism

**angelbumpkin** · 06-30-2009, 03:22 PM

I think you should do what you feel is best for the safety of your family.

**frugalwarrior** · 06-30-2009, 03:51 PM

I might remind you that alcohol and brain cells don't mix. Do what is best for the children and don't expect your DH to keep promises he can't keep. Lying and manipulation as well as playing on others sympathy and guilt are well known tricks of the trade. t
There was a recent post about "alcoholics in the family". It will help you understand the scope of this better. Oh, and their is also what I like to call the alcoholics club. They all defend each other. family or not. Try to remember it is an illness like any addiction. He will always be their father but he does not have to be their example on how to behave. He can be their father at another residence too. Get a court order for court appointed supervised visitations if you think it's necessary.

**Nana2two** · 06-30-2009, 03:54 PM

I do think its great that you have have a place to come ( Frugal friends) to let out some hurt and anger.I am the same way when it comes to problems, the worse they you can do is run to family memebers yours or his. becuase its always remembered if things would work out.Hard feeling are hard to forget.

**ladykemma2** · 06-30-2009, 04:09 PM

if you don't want him in the house, you don't want him in the house. they DO have those nice, weekly hotels with a kitchen on every freeway in town.

How to be a good judge of character:

Cheerfully ask: What's is your sponsor's name? he should answer my sponsors name is {bill}. if he says a female's name, or can't come up with a name, he is not working the program.

how many meetings are you going to per week? ask -- hey, are you doing "90 in 90" ? if he gives you a blank stare, he is not working the program. new members in recovery generally do 90 meetings in 90 days. or more. a meeting per day. and know what that means.

cheerfully ask "how many days of continous sobriety do you have?" watch for hesitation. a truly recovering member of AA will proudly state EXACTLY how many days he has. a newly recovering alcoholic will sometimes look at his watch and state "i have 35 days, 6 hours and 22 minutes of continous sobriety"

ask him to show you his chips earned so far. again watch for the BS answer or the blank stare. most newby babies carry their chips in their pocket and are instructed to put the chip in thier mouth if they think they are going to drink.

are YOU going to Al-anon?

**geckoace** · 06-30-2009, 04:32 PM

i was also just about to suggest al-anon, seriously you need a support system, alcoholism is an awful sickness and children know... they know... he needs help for his problem and you will need help to pull yourself and your kids through

**ladykemma2** · 06-30-2009, 04:37 PM

i wanted to add: someone new in recovery and embracing recovery works their butt off and generally talks of nothing else. does he do this? look also for a "glow" about them that is the spritual awakening that happens.

**jamie79** · 06-30-2009, 04:44 PM

Stay away from it all. its better for the kids

**Momto2Boyz** · 07-01-2009, 07:40 AM

Hang in there. I agree with everyone else, don't let him come home until you are ready for him to be there. Circumstances and living arrangments shouldn't play a part in his moving back in...your readiness is all that matters.

Good for you for handling the situation with class. I probably would have told his Dad to "suck it up" and that DH is his problem now...and maybe if he had done a better job raising his kids and teaching them how to become responsible adults, they wouldn't all still be living at home! But then again...I tend to speak my mind a bit too much!

Hang in there... when things are at their worst...they can only get better!

**Siebrie** · 07-01-2009, 08:20 AM

Just to avoid him moving back in before you are ready: can you change the locks and inform the police that you are on holiday and nobody should be in your home?

Good luck and enjoy the trip to your mum's!

**Shelli_wnj** · 07-01-2009, 10:01 AM

Originally Posted by ladykemma2

if you don't want him in the house, you don't want him in the house. they DO have those nice, weekly hotels with a kitchen on every freeway in town.
I'm not sure where we would get the money. The funny thing about this whole situation is that he still has his paycheck direct deposited to our joint account and I pay the bills!
How to be a good judge of character:

Cheerfully ask: What's is your sponsor's name? he should answer my sponsors name is {bill}. if he says a female's name, or can't come up with a name, he is not working the program.
His family has a sponsor! There is a guy who has helped each of them go through their recovery as each one has entered sobriety, so the name means nothing to me, he would just say "Chachi, of course."
how many meetings are you going to per week? ask -- hey, are you doing "90 in 90" ? if he gives you a blank stare, he is not working the program. new members in recovery generally do 90 meetings in 90 days. or more. a meeting per day. and know what that means.
I KNOW he didn't do 90 in 90. All excuses. Worked too late, had to come see the kids, etc.

cheerfully ask "how many days of continous sobriety do you have?" watch for hesitation. a truly recovering member of AA will proudly state EXACTLY how many days he has. a newly recovering alcoholic will sometimes look at his watch and state "i have 35 days, 6 hours and 22 minutes of continous sobriety"
I will have to do this!

ask him to show you his chips earned so far. again watch for the BS answer or the blank stare. most newby babies carry their chips in their pocket and are instructed to put the chip in thier mouth if they think they are going to drink.
He doesn't have any, it starts with 90 in 90 and he didn't do that. I have 3, tho!

I am going through a program called Celebrate Recovery, it's a Christian-based Al-anon

are YOU going to Al-anon? - answered above

Originally Posted by ladykemma2

i wanted to add: someone new in recovery and embracing recovery works their butt off and generally talks of nothing else. does he do this? look also for a "glow" about them that is the spritual awakening that happens.

No, he doesn't talk about recovery at all. As a matter of fact, aside from work and the kids, he doesn't talk of anything else at all, even when asked

Originally Posted by Siebrie

Just to avoid him moving back in before you are ready: can you change the locks and inform the police that you are on holiday and nobody should be in your home?
I wouldn't know how! I might have to ask a few friends about this.
Good luck and enjoy the trip to your mum's!

Thank you all SO MUCH for your responses and support!