Advice - Moving in the MIL

[Ceashels]

Reading that she is a help and blessing to you when she visits puts my mind more at ease for you.

Keep in mind that in the past she has "visited" and has returned home to her circle of friends and her routine. If she is to live with you you may find the transition more difficult for her as she doesn't have friends close by to offer her support. Going from being an urbanite to a country dweller isn't an easy decision for most people. She might need some days going back home to keep in touch with friends that should be planned on so she doesn't feel ostracized from her old life by her new living situation.

She will grieve her lifestyle and independence as the reality of her situation sets in. This doesn't mean it can't be done or shouldn't be done, but you and she need to be able to sit down over a cup of coffee and accept her grieving in the small ways that it may surface. Recognizing that she might be on an emotional roller coaster thru this process will be important for both of you.

It will be important for her and for you that she have her own space. She has cherished belongings and if they are something she can "hold on to" during the transition, it will be a comfort to her. Her own space is also a retreat for her since she probably isn't accustomed to having others around her 7 days a week.

Much of what you will need is good communication, like any relationship being able to talk about expectations is the key to keeping things running smoothly.

I think it is wonderful that you can offer her such a gift. (Though I do think the monetary value is a bit high. If you can go down on that, she can save more for a short term stay. You could put a contingency that part of it goes directly to savings/debt. Having her on a plan for budgeting/finance management means having specific goals that will help her regain her independence and that is important at a time when she might feel she it is beyond her control.)

I wish you a lot of luck and joy in your decision.

[fuzzybunny]

I guess I have a little different view of the situation than others here.

My sister lives with her husband and his grandmother, and his mother lives across the street as well as his aunt and there is no problem. They are in an out of each others space all day with no problems. Shoot, I live a couple miles away and they have absorbed me as well.

If your family and her family have the same implicit understandings then there should not be a problem i.e. the same ideas of what is polite, how much people pitch in etc. I think that asking an adult woman to sign a contract about her behavior before she moves in would be offensive and hurtful, esp. if, as seems to be the case, she has given no cause for such an action Being behind on a single bill certainly doesn't warrent that. I would only do such a thing if dealing with a loved one who was an addict. If I was dealing with a plain mean nasty person I wouldn't let them move in at all. But neither seems to be the case here.

That's not to say there won't be some adjustments at first but if everyone is a reasonable adult and you talk about expectations and possible problems before hand, then they won't surprise you when they arise and make it easier to talk out later. I suspect you have more problems if you walk into this with the expectation of treating her like a stubborn teenager rather than an adult.

Not that I am saying that the people who suggested the contract idea are totally off base. I have read some of their stories about their MILs and and I totally understand why they are gun-shy
But your mom in law seems like a lovely person and I think it is a wonderful thing you are doing.

Finally, I also don't think $500 a month is too much, not when you consider that mortgages are generally more than a $1000 a month, electric and gas bills are often more than $200, then $200 to $400 for food, then water, garbage, possibly cable, maintainece, insurance, etc. I don't know what cost of living is in your area but here in Portland $500 dollars is not that much at all.

Christine

[Gibs]

I also do not think that 500 is asking too much for each month, I mean this will pay her board, electric, phone (other then long distance calls of course) food, etc, so I think that the 500 is fine.

And if you are comfortable with your mil then things should work out fine.

Hugs and best wishes on whatever you decide.

[Libby]

I'm going to go along with something similiar to what ceashells said: She's been nice when visiting b/c she knows she's going back home to her current life. But is she only nice and pleasant b/c she's there as a guest? Will she change once she's begun living there? Will she feel that she will have some pull in how you run your house and how her son behaves, will she tell him what to do again b/c both of them are under the same roof and she is still his mother? When people are put into certain situations, they're taught how to behave and what is and is not acceptable. And they usually know that they're going home in the end so its ok to behave as expected but some people actually snap b/c the 'end' is not visible? Hrm....I hope that makes sense to y'all!

I agree with the $500. If thats proportionate to what her current rent/mortgage is then that's fine. If its lower or higher, the amount is up to you and what you deem fair. Is she one that needs to have all the lights on all the time even when she's not in the room? Does she leave the tv on in one room, radio in another? Does she take 45 min long super hot showers? Things to take into consdieration - her lifestyle. Those things may have been included in her rent therefore she may never have had to monitor the usage before.

The rest are lil things you can work out. I agree with a contract but if you're on good terms and truly feel she would be a benefit more then anything, then make use of a contract as a guideline. Make sure you discuss and write down what is expected of both parties. Most importantly...give her an area she can call her own. I do believe you said you were considering reno'ing the front half of the house for her.

Good luck!

[mom2bobsarah]

I think another thing to consider is, will she be able to easily find a place once your arrangement is over. You mentioned having her move in for about 6 months or so right? Is there housing that is affordable and accessible for her? If not, will she plan on returning to PA and if so, can she relocate back there easily? I would suggest checking out some activities for her in your area that maybe she could check out if she is coming to visit you, then she could get an idea if there are things she enjoys (say like, bingo or a church, etc.).