Advice - Moving in the MIL

**ml2620** · 07-14-2009, 11:16 AM

My MIL is here on an extended visit to check out the area and see if she can wants to move here from Philadelphia (she's a city girl, and we live in the country).

We learned some things about our own financial situation (not good) last week, and my MIL told me in confidence she's behind of some payments on a loan and isn't sure what to do.

I'm thinking about asking my mother in law to move in to our house, at least for the winter. She could contribute $500 to the household and focus on paying off her debt and saving some money, and I'd have the assurance of the extra $500 a month to pay grocery and heating bills this winter.

What sorts of things do you recommend we talk about in making this decision?

**Greebo** · 07-14-2009, 11:22 AM

Names and office numbers of therapists and divorce lawyers?

**frugalwarrior** · 07-14-2009, 11:22 AM

Prozac? Just kidding thats my MIL. Just make sure you discuss all expectations w/ her.(cost,privacy,work load division) Be honest. ASk what she would expect too. Put a time limit on it. Draw out a financial plan. Be kind but no soft sell. Its not like aregular renter you never have to see again. Find out if either of you has habits that are deal breakers. My DM could not resist parenting or interfere w/ my parenting. She doesn't drive. We argue. We have lots of animals. We both know an apartment near by would be better for us.

**2ndGenGranola** · 07-14-2009, 12:36 PM

I'm assuming your MIL is nothing like my MIL because I just got ill at the thought.

I would have all expectations and boundaries in writing. If you have any schedules/routines etc, I would have those written out too. It doesn't have to be super formal or notarized but the more you get down the less surprises for either party.

**Grainlady** · 07-14-2009, 01:13 PM

I think it may be a reasonable solution IF as many others have also said:

-You make and keep rules agreed to by all parties involved.

-She can PROVE she's responsible with her money and can prove she's paying bills, not buying Fashion Handbags that cost several thousand dollars, or has a gambling (or other income-robbing) problem.

-Set a realistic amount of time she can stay.

-I'd also make it an ACTUAL contract and wouldn't do ANYTHING unless all of you decide to go through Dave Ramsey's Classes, or read his book and listen to his program, at the very least.

Around here, if a person is over 55, they can qualify for low-income housing/apartments, so I'd take her on a tour of those places if they are available in your area if she qualifies, and get her on the waiting list/s. It doesn't sound like she's capable of owning and the cost of the low-income housing apartments are based on income/savings, minus debt.

I DO think $500/month is asking a bit much. It sounds like you are USING her when what you may need is to face your financial issues and possibly finding additional income NOT associated with your MIL to fix your financial woes.

**Lora88** · 07-14-2009, 01:39 PM

I think I would live in a hovel before I would let that happen lol please think long and hard about the privacy your giving up if your financial situtation can be solved by 500 a month cut back you can make it up on your own

**Debbie-cat** · 07-14-2009, 01:42 PM

Will she have her own space? Will she have to be in your living area all the time to just enjoy t.v. My FIL moved in with us last fall due to an illness. It has worked out wonderfully....but he has his own bedroom that is big enough for him to have his own t.v., 4 piece bath, love seat, reclining chair. This way it is his space and he doesn't have to hang around with us all the time. He comes out for meals or to watch a movie or to just chat/play games with us. But it is nice because we have our own space. He comes and goes during the day which gives him independance but we also do what he is doing at all times.

Good luck, just make sure that she has enough space so that you are not constantly feeling like you have to entertain her.

**FrugalMomof3** · 07-14-2009, 01:51 PM

I think its possible however..... make sure you set rules and regulations BEFORE things are set in motion.

- How much she will contribute
- No interfering in your DH and your personal life
- No complaining, if she wishes a certain item, she pays for it

Have you spoken to your DH about this? What does he say?

I agree that it kinda sounds like she helps you, you help her type of situation and that's fine but just remember she wouldn't stay forever so you would have to adjust back to the way things are without her there, so basically help for both ends would only be temporary.

**Nana2two** · 07-14-2009, 09:34 PM

Oh i would have to move so far away like to a island. Unless you and hubby have a very close relationship and you and MIL have one also. It will be the longest 5 months of your life.

**jamie79** · 07-15-2009, 12:00 AM

No way under any circumstances would I do this and my mother in law died over 20 yrs ago. I would not have moved my mother in either.

**frugalfranny** · 07-15-2009, 01:21 AM

Originally Posted by Greebo

Names and office numbers of therapists and divorce lawyers?

And don't forget....how many cases of wine you will need to make it through the winter.

YEOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**phoeny_moonstar** · 07-15-2009, 06:10 AM

I would never let my MIL move in with us. No way at all. But if you think that it's a better deal for both of you I would take the advice that previous posters told ya too.

**ml2620** · 07-15-2009, 06:56 AM

I am unfortunately on my blackberry at the moment and can't use the thanks buttons, but thank you to everyone. You've managed to scare the heck out of me!

MIL lost her husband in january, she has visited many times since then and is always helpful and never opinionated. To me she is a blessing and she brings a sense of peace to our house. She is in excellent health, works in the garden, makes wonderful nutritious meals that are ready when I get home, does the laundry, irons my work clothes..I could go on. When she is here she keeps things running and she and I get along very very well.

Debbie, she are renovating the old front parlor and I think I will take your advice and give her that space as it is next to her bedroom and she would have the front half of the house to herself. Contracts, chores, stuff like that we will put in writing. I think I am going to require a date night for dh and I too.

**2ndGenGranola** · 07-15-2009, 07:24 AM

Originally Posted by ml2620

When she is here she keeps things running and she and I get along very very well.

If you love her visiting and you get along when she is there, then you should not have the fear we have. My MIL has been trying to remake me into a mini-she ever since I have been married. I like me the way I am and don't want to be a mini-MIL. It does not sound like you should have all the concerns that I would have but do be prepared - for all involved.

**FrugalMomof3** · 07-15-2009, 08:15 AM

I have to agree that if she is a blessing to have around and you get along well then it might not be a bad idea after all. Just make sure things are set in stone beforehand.