I feel so MEAN!

[WV_mom_of2]

Some of you know about my brother and the problems he has. ALL of which he brings on himself. A little background for those who don't know.....

My brother is a year younger then me. He got a girl pregnant and they had a boy almost 18 years ago. He did NOT want to get married but they lived together and he worked to take care of them. He didn't make enough for insurance so they got WIC and a medical card for the baby. This girl came from nothing and was/is nothing. They dumped the baby off on my parents EVERY Saturday for the weekend for years and years. My parents paid for extra formula, diapers, etc. When the baby was two she up and left with him because she wanted to get married and my brother wouldn't. Took him to another state and swore to never come back if he didn't marry her. So he did. They went on to have two more kids that neither really wanted. The kids were just allowed to do as they pleased and have turned out bad like kids left on their own will. They scream, curse, kick, pinch, hit, etc. They are rude and disrespectful, always in trouble in school, etc. In 2005 she up and left my brother and all three boys. She has had very little to do with them since.

Two years ago my brother married a new woman who is 10 times worse then the old one. She has four kids, three of whom she has shared custody of. She has those three four days, then her ex has them four days, etc. She told my brother before they ever got married that she hated my nephews, wanted NO part of them, didn't want them living there, etc. He has full custody, he has no choice. So he married her anyway! This tramp and her kids have made my nephews lives a living hell for two years. HER kids get everything and my nephews get nothing. She thought NOTHING of dropping 100.00 on her dd for back to school last year(and it was my brother's money, she gets no child support for this kid), while my nephews were wearing hand me down underwear! Her kids do as they please and NEVER get in trouble even when they drag my nephew out of bed and beat him up. She has convinced my brother that the two youngest have ADD and even found a doctor to agree with her and put them on meds that have turned them into zombies(testing shows they don't have it). My brother is so brain washed by her that he goes along with anything she wants. The entire family has just given up on him.

In Oct. she told my brother a HUGE lie on my oldest nephew who is now 17 and made my brother kick him out of the house. I know it was a lie because it was just to stupid to NOT be. And if he did do what she said it was NOTHING to kick a child out for. Anyway my nephew went to live with my parents. They put him in a military type school for six months so he could learn some discipline and responsibility and get his GED. The deal was that when he came home he could live with them but only if he got a full time job or went to college. He is supposed to go to college two days a week this fall and he has not one but two part time jobs.

My brother and his thing fight all the time. They get drunk, scream, yell, throw things, etc. with my nephews caught in the middle. In the last month it's gotten bad. Friday a week ago he kicked her out and I HOPED it was finally over. He let her come back. Last Friday he brought the boys to my house and had my dh watch them(I was at work) while he went to file the divorce papers. She has moved out but he told my mom they are trying to work it out and stay together.

He called here ALL weekend and noone answered. I KNOW he wanted to dump the boys off on me all weekend. I work full time and so do my dd and dh. When the first wife left I spent two years going to his house and getting them ready for school and on the bus and then off the bus and to my house two days a week. I gave them lunch/snack money, fed them dinner, etc. NEVER so much as a thank you. Never an offer of payment. He would stand in my kitchen and brag about how he made 1500.00 in two days at his side job, then walk out. I sent boxes of food up there, picked them up sick from school, kept them here when they were sick, etc. The boys behavior was horrible and they were mean and nasty to my kids. Then he would go around town telling everyone that noone ever helped him out except my mom. When he married this new tramp I told him if he married her I was done with him. Between the two of them THEY could figure it out.

He calls here alot, but ONLY when he wants something from me. Money, my truck, babysitting, etc. When you say no it's like he doesn't hear you. I have caller ID and I've stopped answering his calls about 8 months ago. His new wife refuses to have anything to do with my nephews. On snow days he has to take them 30 minutes out of his way to my mom's because tramp won't watch them. He has to get them ready in the morning and drop them at daycare before school because she won't get up and get them ready. After school they stay for the after school program because they can't go home unless my brother is there. They allow my middle nephew to practically live at a friends house. I can not and will NOT be his free babysitter when he has a wife laying in bed until 1pm.

So, he called here all weekend and I knew what he wanted. He wanted to drop the boys off here at 6am on his way to work, me get them to summer school, then keep them here in the evenings until he gets home from work. He MIGHT come home on time or he might go off with her and not come at all. I refuse to do it. So my mom ended up with them all of this week.

My mom's nerves are not good. Ever since my grandma died in 2005 my mom just isn't well emotionally. She's not crazy, just depressed alot. All of this crap really gets to her. This morning she tells me the boys are there for the week and she just feels trapped. And my oldest nephew who is now home from military school is being horrible. He refuses to get out of bed, refuses to go to work, leaves and won't tell them where he's going, etc. She said he is very disrespectful, etc.

I feel so mean because I just don't care anymore! I will NOT help my brother out and I told mom this morning she's either going to have to suck it up and let nephew stay there and be an ass or kick him to the curb! She starts about how he has nowhere to go, etc. and I told her that's not my problem or her's. They have done all they can. They have given him a great home to live in with two people who love him, good food, money to spend, jobs, a car, etc. If HE can't do his share then he needs to learn the hard way. But I feel so MEAN! We could take him but I am NOT going to put my life on hold when my brother and ex sil are grown people and need to take care of their own business.

UGH! I needed to vent.......thank you for reading!

[bumplett]

wow - I really hope you feel a little relief after being able to vent all of that!

I only have two thoughts:

One, if the nephews are still very young, all dept of children's services and report the parents.

Two, do NOT enable. Do NOT babysit unless you want to, do NOT give food, money, items unless you want to. When we enable people to do nothing, they never learn how to do anything because they always expect someone to do it for them.

I wouldn't answer the phone either - but do NOT feel guilty because your mom gets the brunt of it, it's HER choice.

[Pemberleyan]

Wow, what a difficult situation. I wish I had some advice. I'm glad you've been there for those kids so much, but there comes a time when you can no longer be just plain used. I don't know if I would have had tha much patience. It's so sad what they've done to those children, and your mom, too!

[Greebo]

What bumplett said

[Nana2two]

Yea i agree, it sad to say but these children would be better off in a foster home or the parents need to get some serious help.You have raised your kids. You don't need to raise your nephews. I know you love them.In this case you really need to step in and call DCFS. Im sure it will cause a split for you and your brother, But these kids have a lifetime ahead of them.shame on your brother and the Tramp he is with. You will be in my prayers.

[MomToTwoBoys]

I hate to say this, but it has to be said:

Call Child Protective Services and get those kids out of there.

CPS will be like a pimple on their butt if there's repeated calls concerning the home environment and they'll do checks without notice. My sister and her kids had to go through it because my sister was abusive to her kids, so was the kids' father. It took eleven years and three kids for my sister to finalize realize what a bad mother she really is. She'd never feed them a balanced meal, always screamed at them, beat on them, etc.

The family court judge (which they had to deal with because of the CPS thing - this judge isn't a pushover either, he's a real stickler on family things) ordered her to undergo anger management classes. She was even ordered not to touch her kids at all (even if it was giving them a bath) and CPS came in sporadically.

I'm afraid that your nephews would definitely be a lot better off with therapy and a new home setting. Everyone, including your mother, needs to cut off any means of support for your brother. I wouldn't even let them anywheres near my house or my family. That's just ridiculous. I'm a firm believer in structured and emotionally stable homes for all kids and by the sounds of it, they have neither of those qualities.

[emtmama04]

I agree with everything everyone has said.

[dcompton]

I agree. This is a serious situation that needs to be reported to the authorites. Definitely abuse. The children, as horrible as they are, deserve protection. If adults want to destroy themselves with irresponsibility and stupid choices (sorry, I know he's your brother), that's one thing, but there is no excuse for destroying the children.

You should not feel bad. You have done more than enough, and obviousdly nothing you do will really help. Let the authorities step in and handle it. They will certainly not be happy about this situation these children are in and their unhappiness will be a lot more effective than yours in getting it fixed.

Edited to add: I know this sounds harsh, but kindness, and a lot of it from you and your mother, has clearly had no effect whatever.

[MaryCarney]

I really, truly feel your pain.

I had a similar situation many years ago with a sister. I ended up fostering her two kids for about a year, during which my oldest was born and wasn't able to enjoy first-time mommyhood like I wanted because of it.

In fact, one day sister's boyfriend (later husband) kicked my front door in because she was at my home, 'babysitting' her own children while my husband visited me in the hospital!!!

In the end, she gave her 6yo and 3yo up for adoption (!), and somehow I became the bad guy in the family for not 'doing more'. People have since come to their senses about who was the person responsible for her children, but the hurt is still there.

You are wise to separate yourself after so much hurt and abuse. Report anything you need to regarding the kids, keep paying for caller ID, and get on with your life. You only get to decide how you feel.

I'll be praying for you!!

[thefrug]

children services....nuff said

oh and you ain't being mean, you're being a responsible adult

[FrugalMomof3]

I hate to say it too but I would call social services as well but you do realize that they will often times try to have them stay with family so you have to be firm and state your objections, concerns, etc.... if they so happen to call you.

Dont answer his calls, that's for sure! He's a user plain and simple.

It's a shame your mom has to deal with this too in her state of mind, your brother needs to grow up and dumb the "lady" and get his children the help they need, children that are neglected often turn into bad children.

[ml2620]

It kills me to hear stuff like this. Somehow people like this have no trouble getting pregnant, and I can't?

Place an anonymous call to CPS. If your family knows its you, your mother is going to suffer more for it.

Bad kids turn into dangerous adults. Stop the cycle.

[WV_mom_of2]

There is a woman who camps at the park that I work for and she is a CPS worker. She actually goes into the homes and takes the kids. I have talked to her without mentioning who I am speaking of and she has told me that there is nothing that would make them look into the situation. She said the situation is bad but it's not abuse. They are well fed, they go to school, the parents aren't beating on them, etc. Most of the big fights happen when the kids aren't there and siblings fight. I even questioned the medication when one dr. said they do not need it. She said it's doctor against doctor on that one. Her advice was to help out where we can and be there for the kids and if it gets to the abuse point to give them a call.

She has been with CPS for years and I trust her judgement. Trust me if it gets worse I will call and I won't care who knows I did it.

I just feel like I should take the kids and raise them and give them a good steady life. BUT there are so many things against it. I can NOT deal with a large man-sized 17 year old screaming and punching holes in my walls. I can not and will NOT deal with him drinking and smoking. I won't subject my 13 year old ds to the name calling and hitting by all three of them or to the belittling of the 13 yr old. BUT I feel so guilty because they are my nephews and it feels like I'm their only real chance of making something of themselves. UGH! I HATE this! I'd like to pack up and move away and forget it! It's really bugging me this morning and I just want to go somewhere and bawl!

[Debbie-cat]

You are not mean at all! Your brother has to grow up.

[monkeywrangler71]

Is there anything you can do for your mother that does not involve taking them in? She's probably going to continue to sacrifice her health for these kids, out of fear that no one else will care for them and likely feeling responsible for having raised their irresponsible father. A morher's guilt knows no bounds. If you can find some other way to lessen HER burden, rather than something that helps your brother, maybe you will feel a bit better.