Got a question/vent sorry if its long.

**Wendy Mack** · 09-12-2009, 04:21 PM

Ok I looked and I guess this is where this would go better than anywhere else. Its more of a vent about life in general and then money , kids .. family and me being frustrated.

Ok it starts out that I am trying to get back into the groove of getting rid of debt and getting us where I feel more comfortable with our money. Right now if something where to happen to my husband and he could work we would be in trouble in a matter of days!!! Which scares the H#$%% out of me! I am trying really hard to organize.. get rid of .. sell for money things I can. But there is only so much I can do by myself everyone else has to help too. Which is where one of my many problems is. Everyone else seems to be into what ever is for them benfit them ... who cares about anyone else .. and we are SUPPOSE to be a family!!!! I have me .. my husband and then we have three children. Honestly they are good kids .. they don't get into much trouble.. i mean they have but not like it could be. My children are a son who is 19 and living at home and working for the family trucking business( its another story which not sure if i will rant about that or not) a daughter who is 17 and a senior in high school... she is working very part time for the business i work for. She was complaining she needed money so i got her a job. Honsestly i don't think thats what she wanted but hey she has money now. My other daughter is 9 and I am trying to get her to help me around the house and most times she is good at it .. sometimes she will stall and it takes about 10 times reminding her to get it done but i think that is the age maybe. Ok just so its known.. I am mostly frustrated with my oldest two children who think we shouldn't ask them to do anything/ ask them too much.

Ok maybe i should start off with me and my husband... I am 40/ work 40+ hours a week on the night shift from 10:30pm to 6:30 am... I usually come home wake up children and get them going to what they have to do that day.. right now that is school and work .. my son to work the girls to school. I also call my husband when its time for him to get up which varies from 2 am to when i get home. I work nights so my children aren't alone. After the girls get off to school and my son and husband to work. Then i try to get some things done either around the house or what ever i have to run and do for that day/ week. Which with the health issues my oldest daughter and husband have had lately are alot. I have my own issues(hurt my knee and am still in therapy for it) My oldest daughter has stomache issues that the doctors can't solve and I finally this week went to the doctor and suggested maybe its her temperment .. she has been nevous every since she was a small child.. hated change.. new people ect. I said maybe her throwing up all the time and being sick has more to do with stress and being anxious than something being wrong with her stomache. She now has acid reflux and the start of an ulcer and she is only 17. Most things for her are mountians when they should be mole hill. I thought it was just being a teenager but its gotten really bad lately .. sigh ok enough of that. Ok well after getting people gone and doing what i have to for that day that can't wait till i get up I go to bed .. hopefully for 7 hours .. but it never seems to be that much .. usually its 4 to 5 hours with maybe a nap in the evening of 2 hours ... this week i actually had a 36 hour period where i slept 9 hours total. It was a rough week. Then i got sick yesterday and today i still feel wiped out but have alot to do around the house because it seems that no one else is helping other than my husband and he has major health issues now that we are trying to deal with and he is also working alot i don't even know how to calculate it ... he is a trucker and works when there is work. Right now its slow but he is still trying to do things for the business when he isn't actually in the truck. He helps me when i ask him to its just i haven't been wanting to ask him lately cause I know he doesn't feel good ... but yet I know I can't do everything myself and when i ask the kids the oldest mostly .. my son will vent saying we ask too much of him that he has a life and usually storms off without doing what i have asked him to do and i am usially in tears so I don't ask him anymore. My oldest daughter I was paying her 50 dollars a week to help out so I can get a little sleep. I asked her to please do dishes, keep track of her little sister after school and put supper in the oven. I try to have it so all she has to do it put it in the oven and then say food to everyone else .. i generaly am asleep at supper time and go without. She has for the past few months done nothing other than what she has to like wash her own cloths... a few dishes to cook what she wants to eat and thats about it so i have refused to pay her. She of course is mad at me, but why pay her for doing nothing. Anyway, my husband is recovering from some health issues... they are not entirely sure what happened.. but after a rather nasty meeting with the county zoning guy where he told my husband that he had to remove all trucks(its a long story) he would come after us with a lawsuit. My husband was walking out the door of his office in the court house.. i was right behind him .. said my name .. clutched his chest and fell to the floor unconcious. When the ambulance got there ... he was demanding to be let off the floor but was not quite himself.. he couldn't focus on anything really well. His blood pressure at this time about 15 mintues after he went down was 175 over 135... they suspect he was going for a stroke but his body shut down thank god! After many many tests ..they have him on meds for his blood pressure .. which is now at a good level... Hey i will have to do another page in a minute ...

**Maine Girl** · 09-12-2009, 04:45 PM

oh i am so sorry for all the stress in your life. Okay could you have a family meeting and just talk to the kids about needing help around the house or what ever you need to make your home run. Explain how you are feeling. Maybe if needed you could have some kind of incentive for those who help you. Also you need to take care of yourself you can not continue with this pace.

**brenda67** · 09-12-2009, 05:51 PM

Your more of a woman then I am in your situation in regards to your children..I would be a flipping yelling nasty B*#*$$ if my children didn't pull their weight in this household and their ages are 16,14 and 12 all boys...they each have chores and I started them at a young age...There is no reason for you to carry all this burden on your shoulders..What are they gonna do if "MOM" gets sick and can't pickup the load? Not that I wish you ill or anything...I agree with a family meeting and I would be stearn on what is expected of them or else..((HUGS)) to you honey I hope everything is okay with your Dh...

**Ocean_Beach_Dweller** · 09-12-2009, 07:01 PM

Yes I agree with the others. That was a generous offer when you paid your daughter to do those few things, i was always just expected to do those things at that age because i was a member of the family. I don't know how much your son makes, but maybe you could charge him a small amount of rent if he's so intent on being separate from the family? That could help you pay your debts at least. I hope you can get everyone straightened out soon!

**craftypam** · 09-12-2009, 08:56 PM

Hope your dh is ok. Don't let your kids take advantage by doing nothing. If you and dh wind up sick what are your kids going to do then. The oldest 2 should be definately helping out. I know they (young adults) don't understand the fact that they are living in your house and should help out just because you are paying all the bills
Sadly they won't get "IT" until they move out and find out all the responsibilities of life. My youngest has a son and has said to me several times, "I don't know how you had 3!" My other son moved out and after going grocery shopping a few times said to me, "I'm so sorry I ate all of that food." When he said it I want you to understand it wasn't dinnner food it was every snack in the house.

**ttistin** · 09-12-2009, 10:02 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't really say anything that others have not already said so i will send you a big

**miss_thrifty** · 09-12-2009, 11:54 PM

huggss right off the bat.
I would get a family meeting and yu and your husband sit them down and make the rules to follow and ask whos ging to help out with no pay certain jobs. And explin out to them that this is a team that needs to work together.
Im so sorry your so stressed, u need to slow down. If u dont take care of your self u cant take care of them. THe older ones need to pull more weight. Mybe they do not understand the trye realty or seriousness of his blood pressure that high.

huggss dear.

**frugalfranny** · 09-13-2009, 01:22 AM

Think all the other advice is good ...kids need to learn the responsibility of chores........ sorry you are going through this.....take care of yourself.

**ladytoysdream** · 09-13-2009, 08:29 AM

You need to sit the kids down and have a good talk with them. Probably a group meeting first, and then one on one if necessay. Get suggestions from them what they are willing to do to help with the budget. Let them know they HAVE to help. Just tell them there is no ands/ifs/buts. This has to be a TEAM effort. Make some new rules if necessary and STICK to them. Get a T shirt or a big sign that says.....IF MOMMY AIN'T HAPPY, NOBODY ELSE IS GOING TO BE EITHER .

Sounds like your hubby has enough stress with being sick and trying to find work in a rough economy. With your knee problem, you need less stress also.

You could always go on some kind of strike. Just go to work though as usual

**Wendy Mack** · 09-13-2009, 02:44 PM

Sorry I couldnt' get back yesterday it was just one of those days and I was upset soooo i cleaned! Thats one bonus.. get mad get a clean house lol ... well half a livingroom and I decluttered and did some deep cleaning. My 17 year old daughter helped for like 20 minutes then dissappeared(which is typical of her) ... when i hollared for her she said she was busy cleaning her room .. sigh .. guess thats better than nothing but i sat her down and let her know i needed her help around here with me working all the time and having to take care of lots outside the house and running for medical things. She kind of gave me that typical teenage roll the eye thing. Now my son hasn't really been home much in the last two days.. I told him today I needed to have a talk with him and really wanted it to be a family meeting and i would like to do it tonight before i go to work. I was told that he didn't want to talk to his father... and more or less he didn't give a SH$%! I guess him and his father had an arguement about him helping his dad around the farm to get things cleaned up and i guess mikey more or less told his dad he felt more like part of another family(his friends family ) than ours.. and my husband more or less told him that he is 19 he doesn't have to live at home if thats the way he felt then more power to him move out. ughhhhh i just hate things like that .. but mikey has complained to me many times about how much he hates this about our place or his sisters... or just his job with his father... and i have told him that either do something to make it better ... or that he was 19 years old he makes his own money he doesn't have to live here if he doesn't want to... but i also tell him i really don't want him to leave but i also love him enough to want him happy. I just wish he cared about us too. Geeezz... You would think me asking him to try to fix the mower was asking him to cut off his arm...he went out the door swearing that we ask too much of him and slammed the door... My husband was in the livingroom and he just started crying that he couldn't take it anymore ... It just breaks my heart to hear him cry..... he never crys!!! We just have so much going on and it seems the older children don't give a crud about nothing except what effects them... I just don't know what to do .... early this year my son and i was going round and round about laundry. He would pile it up in his room and then bitch cause he didn't have anything to wear .. i said mmm thats funny i do 3 loads a day and i never see his in there. I guess he expects me to go get them wash them and take them back to his room .. NOT GONNA HAPPEN~.... i just said . here is a basket fill it up and bring it downstairs.. i will bend that much .. he still won't do it till he has nothing to wear geeez... this boy is gonna be the death of me!!!!

**craftypam** · 09-13-2009, 02:58 PM

I'm sooo sorry you are going through this, your 2 oldest are at a rough age. I'm kind of surprised that your dh being sick isn't making them care a little more. I remember going through the same thing trying to get help. I think your son needs to move out and see what its like to have to support yourself in all ways and won't they be ashamed of themselves if something even more serious happens to their dad.

**mn30** · 09-13-2009, 04:18 PM

When both my brother and my brother-in-law were about your son's age, neither of them got along their parents. Once my brother moved out and got space things got better. As for my brother-in-law, even with the in laws being a very lovey-dovey family, he still needed space so he moved out and now things are better between the parents and him. I know both you and your husband need your kids to help more now than ever, but I think your son is overwhelmed with not only living at home but also working for your husband. I don't have any suggestions, but I think this might be an universal "boy-thing".

**Jamauk** · 09-13-2009, 04:49 PM

I agree, it sounds like maybe your son and DH are spending too much time together. DS might also be so worried about his dad that its stressing him out and he's therefore taking it out on you and DH.

It would be very hard, but it sounds like some tough love is in order. I would sit DS down and explain in a very loving way that somethings are going to change. Plain and simple. Tell him flat out that he is being very selfish and you won't stand for it while the family is in crisis. Even explain to him that these changes may or may not be permanent, but until you can get everything back under control he has to help. Period.

It also might be a good idea if DS started doing his own laundry himself. It sounds as if he's expecting you to be his maid, not his mother and that's just not acceptable.

**WV_mom_of2** · 09-14-2009, 02:06 PM

I wanted to offer you some hugs first. My mom is going through something similar with my oldest nephew. He will be 18 soon and moved in with my parents about a year ago when my worthless brother threw him out. My parents have given that boy everything and he just craps on them all the time. He will NOT obey a single rule, breaks curfew every night, lies to them, etc. They laid it all out before he moved in and he agreed to follow their rules but won't now. Mom told me today that they are kicking him out. She is broken out in a rash and her hair is falling out and the dr. told her it is stress causing it. She is such a mess over him and I told her today "you have given him everything and every chance to make something of himself. If HE chooses to not do the right thing it's HIS choice. It's time for him to be on his own and learn some tough life lessons."

I think that's what I would do with the 19 year old if he won't sit down for a talk and do better. He's an adult. Yes you love him but do you want to love him so much that it kills your dh? I hate for that to sound mean but it's what is happening. He needs to move out on his own for now.

As for the 17 year old dd, I have one of those. It's time to take things away from her until she can do better. Anything she has that you pay/paid for, goes. Does she have a tv in her room, phone in her room, computer, cell phone, car that you pay for? If so, take it away until she can pull her weight at home. And take it ALL away at once! Then let her earn the things back, one at a time. If she can do well for a couple of weeks give her one thing back. After a couple more weeks, she gets something else back. If she goes back to not helping, those things get taken away again.

Tough love is hard, that's why it's called tough love. But sometimes you just have to do it for the sake of the whole family!

HUGS!!

**frugal is fun** · 09-14-2009, 04:32 PM

first sending hugs and support your way!

second I agree with everyone. you need to TELL your two oldest whats going to happen and then stick to it.

My parents made me pay 10% of my paycheck room and board every week from the very first pay check I ever got to the day I moved out. I think its a great rule!!

Have a family meeting and lay it all on the line. Finances, exhaustion, disrepsect, illness, all of it. If the oldest doesn't like it, like everyone has said, he does have a choice to leave. And for your 17yr old, I also agree with what was said. If she refuses to help then take everything that you pay for away from her with the explanation of you just can't afford it.

I know it doesn't sound easy but in this case there is no "easy button".

good luck!