help with DH and DD's 17,15

[oct2667us]

DH is step father to my kids which are 17 and 15 We have been together on and off 5 years .It has been very rocky. Not all his fault it was mine to. So I know that is alot of why my kids feel the way they do about him.
Last weekend we got in to a big fight it got bad every one was yelling and things got said . DD17 said to DH that she dont like him and and never will. DH said fine then dont ask me for nothing. Your mom can get you stuff on the first. That is when I get my check for them.
Well now home coming is next week and DD needs a dress. I told her see whath happends when you say things like I hate you.
I dont know what to do DD has been doing all of what she is told to do and cleaning up like she should. but DH still dont want to get her any extra things because of her telling him she dont like him and she hates him.
Dont get me wrong he can be a real ass. It seems like he is gripping about every thing. But when I sit down and think alot of what he says it true. Either the kids did not pick up after them self once again after being told over and over or they have talked back to me.
This morning DD told me she is still up set with DH.
I dont know what to do. I see her point but I see his to. why would he gets her any extras if she hates him. what should I do??

[ktsmama]

Don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you all in this situation.

Good luck!

[never2late]

It may be good for her to apologize for the way she acted and then try to barter with him for money to get a dress. My youngest DD was always good at doing this with DH. If she wanted something, she would strike up some kind of a bargain with him, usually involving helping to make wood, wash his car, or some kind of task that isn't usually hers. I have spent a lot of years referring between the two of them. Good Luck!

[YankeeMom]

I have no real advice because we are going through the EXACT same thing. I have two daughters ages 17 and 15. The 17yo and dh are at odds ALL THE TIME. She told him she hated him months ago and now he wants nothing to do with her (he's her stepdad too, we've been together 10yrs - her dad died when she was 5). He rags on her about getting a job, about just about everything.

I'm to the point where I'm not getting into it with them anymore. I'm tired of feeling like the referee. If they want to go at each other all the time, I'm plugging my ears and walking away.

I hope it gets better soon.

[MaryCarney]

I think when you tell someone who feeds and clothes you (I'm assuming he's a breadwinner) that you hate them, you are not entitled to ask for favors and extras.

Sometimes, no matter how painful it is, you have to let them live with the natural consequences of their actions. If those consequences are negative/painful/whatever- then the lesson is driven home.

"Rescuing' a child from the natural consequences of their actions teaches them nothing but dependency, and irresponsibility.

Having said all that, I was once the child whose parent married someone who didn't like his children.It SUCKS knowing they chose that person over you.

[Debbie-cat]

Please don't take offense but your DH is acting like a teenager. I am not saying that what your DD said was okay..it wasn't but he is the adult. I would talk to DH and tell him that he and DD need to hash things out CALMLY because everyone has to live together in the home and will be for a while yet.

Then talk to DD and tell her that what she said was wrong and explain why it was wrong. In my opinion it is wrong to hate anyone..whether friend or foe. Live it too short for hateful feelings.

Then pick a time and have them sit and hash it out. I think you should sit there and not butt in unless the voices begin to rise and anger is beginning to show. It really is between them, not you but you are stuck in the middle.

The only downside to all this is that I think your DD might just have to go without her new dress. A difficult lesson to learn but an important one. She needs to understand at this age that you can't be tossing around hurtful words and still expect to get what you want. It is an important lesson especially once in the workplace. You might not like your boss or co-workers but you better not be throwing angry words around or you won't last long.

I hope it all works out well for you and your family. It is tough when in a step-parent/step-child situation. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Cricketlegs]

Well, I will post this even though it sounds harsh. I AM SORRY it sounds harsh!

Another thing to think about is how your dd really feels. If she does really hate him it would be wrong of you to encourage her to make "nice" in order to "get' something from him.

Whatever happens in their relationship should be sincere even if it is not the relationship you would wish they would have.

Always go for the truth, always teach the truth.

Your dd should respect your dh unless he is a dishonorable man and in that case why would you live with him in the first place?

Your dd can learn a great lifes lesson here and maybe you need to step back and let it play out.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

How do you think your dd would have felt if tables had been turned and then that person made nice in order to get something from them? It is a form of manipulation and you shouldn't encourage it.

I hope they can sit down and work out their problems and you can be a whole family group soon.

I feel for you stuck in the middle.

[oct2667us]

thank all of you so much. It is good to know I am not the only one going threw this. I am going to try and let them work it out. Yall are right she cant be nice to him just to get a dress it is not right. I will tell you how this goes. hugs