Frugal living situation and Dating?

[froogle]

Hi all,

I'm a 34 year old male who is still living with his parents. I'm trying to save up money to buy a house, and I can do that quicker if I'm living with my parents, than if I were to rent an apt for over $1K/month. My parents are totally fine with me living with them, in fact, they would prefer it if I didn't rent an apt. They like the idea of me saving up money for a down payment, instead of wasting money (in their opinion) on an apartment. I figure I'll have to live with my parents for maybe 2-3 more years before I've saved enough for a decent down payment.

I also haven't really been active at all in the dating scene my whole life, and figure I better get started. Maybe do some of the online dating thing (many of my friends have had success with that). There's also a girl I saw recently, who I am thinking about asking out. But of course there's the whole stigma about my living situation.

It's not like I am dependent on my parents. I have a well paying job, I have my own car, I buy my own groceries, I do my own laundry, etc. How bad do you think my living situation will hamper my chances of success in the dating world? Is it really as bad as society makes it out to be?

[pollypurebred39]

Hmm...Well, when I met my husband he was around 30 and living with his parents after coming off a bad divorce. He was gainfully employeed, in fact was the vice president of a small but very profitable company. That certainly did not hurt. I knew he was not living there because of $ and was not taking advantage of his parents, that definately mattered to me. I think it's going to come down to how you present, and when you present your living situation in a new relationship. Blurtting it out right away may not be such a good idea. Once a woman gets to know you and she's feeling confident that your a stand up guy who works hard and is looking for a relationship, then presenting your living situation as a way of getting your ducks in a row AND having an END date, it should be smooth sailing.

Remember, your not obligated to show all the cards in your hand to the dating female population at large right away. It's okay to let things progress a bit before you go there. However, evading point blank questions is never wise, she may feel your being cagey. Better have a well rehearsed ducks in a row, ending date speech prepared in your head so your not caught off guard and in your attempt to explain your living situation be so concerned about how she's going to take it that you flub it up and it have the response you feared the most.

Good Luck in your funding your down payment plan & finding that lucky lady to sweep off her feet!

[2ndGenGranola]

I would have to guess that in this economy that you are not the only one who is "homebound".

Your behavior and topics of conversation are going to say more than the situation. IMO you have thrown out a "stigma" red flag even in just your post here. You say "instead of wasting money (in their opinion) on an apartment". Everyone has an opinion but at the age of 34 it must be your opinions driving your decisions and not theirs. Women don't like meddling inlaws. If I were out in the dating world, I would also be concerned that it takes such drastic steps for you to save. I would be thinking -- Are you doing this just so you can save faster or do you serious money leaks somewhere? (Spending too much on clothes, electronics...). Do you already have a working budget? How will it change when you get your house/spouse? Do you have the skill of maintaining a house yourself or are you lazy/unskilled and have to hire out for maintenance?

[savvy_sniper]

My hubby was living at home when we started dating. He was in his late twenties, had just gone through a terrible divorce, and returned to Texas from California. He was trying to get back on his feet. I had no problem with it.

BUT I must say, there are many girls/women in this day and age that won't give a guy them time of day unless they drive an expensive car, take them to expensive places, etc. In my opinion, if you meet this kind of girl and she turns her nose up at you then you are lucky. Because you don't need that type of woman anyway!

Dating is so you can get to know the other person. Remember the saying - You have to kiss a lot of frogs because you kiss a prince? You need to find someone that has similar values, goals, etc.

Good Luck!

[Libby]

Some people choose not to consider buying a home until they have a stable partner. Some buy a house at a very young age. You've clearly chosen your priorities, house first then gf/wife. Maybe you'll meet someone that thinks the same way and is in the same situation where you'll be able to pool your monies together to buy your first home

Personally, I'd be dating a man for who he is not what he has nor his status. You've mentioned that you're not as experienced as what you feel as others out there, so take your time, get to know a lovely lady and enjoy your time together. Deal with the seriousness factor later when it occurs. If you feel you can't disclose your living arrangements then maybe she's not the one for you?

PS: Internet dating isn't as bad as some make it sound. As long as you have and use your common sense, you should be good to go.

[Contrary Housewife]

Some women will be concerned that you are "still" living with your parents, but I think you can present it in such a way as to make it an advantage. I think there is a difference between living with your parents, and living at your parent's home. The recent economic events make many more people aware of the need to be financially responsible, and women like that in a guy. Also, if your parents are aging and you are home to help them with things they can no longer do, it shows that you are compassionate and care about your family.

Ultimately it will be you and your personality that are the deciding factors. If you can show through your actions that you are mature, fun, responsible, dependable and can make your own intelligent choices then finding a partner who shares your vision should not be too difficult.

[annymoll]

To me, at a 23- not too much difference. At age 34, it would matter.I feel it has to do with my own ideal of responsibility. Nothing wrong with a modest home, modest car, simple lifestyle. But I like a man who pays his own way.That includes rent.To each his own.

[Minner77]

There's a lot of excellent advice here. I've been married over 20 years -- long out of the dating game! -- but here's what I think....

You need to find someone who accepts you for who you are, and that would include someone who accepts your decision to live with your parents while you save money for the future. I find the older I get the (generally) more understanding I am of others' circumstances, as I know I've been through the mill and figure others have as well, and have their own, usually unspoken reasons for making the decisions they have.

While you needn't necessarily disclose your living circumstances immediately, you must be prepared to honestly discuss them, including the question of whether or not you're paying any sort of rent to your parents (not my business, but it might interest whoever you seriously date, lest she perceive you're "sponging off of" them) or if you have other agreements (elderly parents can need a lot of care, help with household and outdoor work, driving for doctor's appts, etc.) -- she might make assumptions that aren't true.

Also: dear friends of mine met and married thanks to an online dating service. They couldn't be happier, and don't mind at all telling people how they met!

Best of luck to you.

[shoiji]

I have met and seen friends find a mate and get married using online dating. Don't forget to look into groups that are made for singles or groups for hobbies or interests. They are also a great way to meet people.

If the subject comes up definately be upfront with your living situation. Explain what you plans are and definately say you are paying rent if you are. I know people who lived with their parents into their mid to late twenties. One actually was doing it to do what you are doing. And he did buy a house. So the whole dating thing try to look at it as meeting new people. If someone is skeptical of you situation or wont give you the time of day because of it they are definately not for you. You can always stay friendly with them because you never know they may have a friend!!!

[Missourimom]

I met my husband 12 years ago (online.) He was 36 and living with his mother in a TINY apartment raising his daughter. He had only been divorced for a little over a year and the divorce was financially devastating to him. I knew he wasn't taking advantage of his mother and that carried a lot of weight. He paid his share of the bills, he did his (and his daughter's) laundry and took care of his daughter's needs, not grandma.

It's all how about how you present yourself. Good luck.

[Jerseygirl]

If you don't let your living situation become an issue, then it won't be, that said, been there, done that with a guy who was 38 and living at home while I was 26 and on my own. It did become awkward for us, but often because he let it, staying at my house and comparing the way I do something to the way mum does, things like that. As long as you have an equal, adult relationship with your family it shouldn't be an issue, but if things like calling to check in repeatedly, having to be there for dinner etc were a problem, that would be a deal breaker for me. A woman wants to be important in your life, make her feel important and your in~!

[Ocean_Beach_Dweller]

I only recently moved out from my parents, and I'm a bit younger(24) but I wouldn't negatively judge a guy because he is doing the same. It is an excellent way to save up money, i helped around the house, and my parents liked having me around to talk to. You have goals and a reason for living at home, you aren't just mooching because you don't want to work or something, and I think most girls can appreciate that. Good luck!

[MTS04]

IMHO, as you put it, "Wasting money on an apartment"; leads me to believe that you are taking advantage of your parents. That would be a huge red flag. It seems like you're presenting an inability to provide for yourself.
Again, it's just my opinion and every situation is different.
I did have a friend who at 32 divorced and was financially in a bind for a few months, but only relied on his folks for 5 months while he got on his feet and got his affairs in order since his wife cleaned his accounts out. I think it's rather bold to use your folks for 3 years while you get a decent down payment.
Perhaps you should head over to the "financial" section of the board, they'll be able to help you plan a budget and find your leaks if you're having difficulty with that.

[frugalfranny]

Hi all,
I also haven't really been active at all in the dating scene my whole life, But of course there's the whole stigma about my living situation.

How bad do you think my living situation will hamper my chances of success in the dating world? Is it really as bad as society makes it out to be?

There will only be the stigma on your situation if you put it there. It sounds like it is already bothering you more than it probably will anyone else......depending on how it is presented.

The living situation won't hamper your chances half as much as lots of other personaltiy traits would..........how are your other 'dating traits'?? Will you be defensive about your living situation?

[froogle]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. It's good to have some female perspectives on this issue.

Seems like "so where do you live?" would be one of those basic get-to-know-you questions people ask on a first date, so I'll have an answer ready for that... "I live in <name of town>." Heh. But seriously, I can just tell them the truth: a few years ago I was renting a room in my friend's townhouse for a couple of years, but then I got laid off from my job, and I wanted to spend some time traveling around Europe, so I moved back to my parent's place. (OK, saying that happened a "few" years ago might be a little bit of a stretch, since it happened 6 years ago.) And now I'm planning on buying a house in 2-3 years, so I'm saving up money for that. And my parents are perfectly fine with that.

Do I pay rent? Well, I do pay my parents a couple hundred bucks each month to cover my share of the utilities.

As for money leaks, I'm not a big spender at all. My only mistake was putting a little too much of my money into aggressive investments several years ago, and watching them go south recently. So now I'm building up another nest egg. But I don't need to mention that to a girl unless we become serious.

I guess I was just wondering about this because one of my female cousins once told me that she wouldn't date a man who lived with his parents, and one of my aunts recently said that if a guy wants to get a girlfriend, he really needs to move out of his parents' house first. But it's good to know there are women who are willing to look past that.