Holiday Gifting

**CrazyHomemaker** · 10-02-2009, 11:18 PM

Now that the Christmas season is coming upon us, I've been having a discussion with a relative about gifting. Since it's been a bad economic year and everyone is strapped, we've talked about stopping the gifting and only do the visiting and dinner part of our usual get together. I believe it's best to honor the season and visit with relatives without being commercial about it.

We have a problem, though. One of the other relatives loves buying things. I think it's mostly because her kids expect something. She always over-gives, as well. This is very uncomfortable for me and others. She gives lots and pretty big.

DH and I told them several years ago that we don't want anything and we're not bringing anything. Well, they all ganged up on us and said 'tough'. They bought us gifts. Talk about uncomfortable!!!

Now the tide has turned and we have to convince the 'buying' relative to stop. This is going to be interesting since her daughter is going to have a child soon. There are no really small kids in our family except the coming baby. I'm sure 'buyer' will pitch a fit, but I'm going to keep to my guns with this one. They can buy extra for their own kids using the funds they spent on us, for that matter.

Does anyone else have issues with holiday gifting and relatives?

How about words of wisdom to convince 'buyer' to stop it? For this, I am looking forward to your answers.

**mauimagic** · 10-02-2009, 11:28 PM

This is a problem and I am sure that you are going to get a lot of suggestions as to how to address it.

For me, I truly love giving gifts to everyone who is important to me - in many different ways. Just as much as I love giving, I have not attachment to getting a gift in return - that's not the idea. For those who give to get - that's a rough one and also a sad situation.

I totally agree with you about sharing time together as having the true meaning of the holidays. And that would be fine with me too if that's what my relatives would like to do.

Cannot wait to see what suggestions and ideas you receive. good luck. You need to do what works for you and it sounds as if you are clear on that!!

**frugalfranny** · 10-03-2009, 03:03 AM

Originally Posted by CrazyHomemaker

They can buy extra for their own kids using the funds they spent on us, for that matter.
How about words of wisdom to convince 'buyer' to stop it? For this, I am looking forward to your answers.

I would just say to be FIRM with the tone when you tell her, let her know you really mean it.....and I like the line above about using the money for her own kids.

That is about all you can do with someone like that.....and if she goes ahead and buys you gifts......thank her and that is that. She might really get 'into' the Xmas giving thing no matter if she can afford it or not. There is nothing you can do with that. Don't be uncomfortable with something you can't control!!

I have been lucky with my family and we all agreed. It is crazy since we don't see each other, aren't together, and then you have to mail the gift which is getting costly too.

**cissylu** · 10-03-2009, 06:39 AM

In My husband family we draw names don`t go over 25. MY family is small.
LIke they have said be firm and stick to it. I like giving gifts my self.

JUst getting toether is great.

**Lora88** · 10-03-2009, 07:24 AM

Originally Posted by mauimagic

This is a problem and I am sure that you are going to get a lot of suggestions as to how to address it.

For me, I truly love giving gifts to everyone who is important to me - in many different ways. Just as much as I love giving, I have not attachment to getting a gift in return - that's not the idea. For those who give to get - that's a rough one and also a sad situation.

I totally agree with you about sharing time together as having the true meaning of the holidays. And that would be fine with me too if that's what my relatives would like to do.

Cannot wait to see what suggestions and ideas you receive. good luck. You need to do what works for you and it sounds as if you are clear on that!!

I am like Maui I love to give gifts and really dont care if I get anything in return to me the joy is in the giving. I would just tell your relative again that you will not be giving out gifts this year and if she feels she would like to give you something than thats fine however you will be giving nothing but your love and good wishes to all this year and leave it at that . You cannot stop her from buying you something and you should not feel uncomfortable if she does things dont always have to be equal to be okay

**NewLeaf** · 10-03-2009, 08:31 AM

We go through this every year with dh's family. For years (10 yrs or so) I made home made gifts like candles, wreaths, soaps, breads. DH's family really did not appreciate those. They just thought I was cheap. We were actually univited to the family get together (long story, but they thought if we didn't come then they wouldn't have to deal w/the other brother's family).
We were mostly relieved bcause it was an orgy of materialism. The gifts would be handed out and everyone would tear into them at once. I never ever heard a thank you.
For the past few years we have enjoyed a simpler stay at home Christmas and open our home to anyone who wants to come (no gifts neccesary). We focus on the meal and visiting.
But Sil always comes buy w/a huge bag of gifts for us. It is a little uncomfortable but we say thank you and leave it at that....We just can't afford to give to every single person in our extended family.

**wjcalderon** · 10-03-2009, 09:36 AM

Although our extended family is not large, we started drawing names a few years ago.
Once someone in the family reached the age of 21, their name goes in the "pot".
We buy gifts for all the children under 21. There aren't very many of them and we don't spend a lot of money on those gifts.
My father & stepmother buy gifts for everyone, so we don't include them in the drawing. We usually come up with one gift for each of them and then we all chip in to pay for it.

We all congregate at my house on Christmas morning. First we open the gifts, then we eat a very large, late breakfast - pancakes, eggs, bacon, biscuits, fruit, etc.

This has worked out very well for us.

**McD** · 10-03-2009, 10:47 AM

We are kind of on the opposite end of this. I love to buy people presents and I budget and bargain shop all year to do this within our means, while still trying to find something they will love. I don't care if people give us gifts back, I just love buying people presents.

But then, we have this...maybe I am looking at it the wrong way, so I am sharing the situation with you all to get some feedback and different perspective on the situation. A few Christmases ago, DH's aunt and uncle proposed cutting out the buying of presents for the adults and just buying for the kids. I was totally fine with this and we agreed upon a limit of 15$ per kid. Not a problem. That problem stems from the the fact that because DH's aunt and uncle don't buy DH's grandparents presents, his grandparents don't want anyone else to either. What upsets both hubby and I is that we do want to buy his grandparents a present. We don't get to see them very often due to hubby's police shifts, his Guard obligations, and them living in Texas half the year. So we strive to pick out a thoughtful gift for them. BUt his grandparents open it and then hurry up and hide it so it doesn't make his aunt and uncle feel bad, never really stopping to think that it kinda of makes it seem like they are ashamed of the fact we gave them a present or that it hurts DH's feelings about the time and effort we put into picking them out something.

So this year, the Christmas celebration with that side of the family is coming up this weekend before DH's grandparents leave for the winter. I am kind of dreading it. The way his grandparents act about the receiving of a gift from us is taking so much joy out of the act of planning, picking out, and giving the gift.

Anyways, I didn't mean to hijack the thread, I am just curious as to if I am being totally urrational about this?

**mauimagic** · 10-03-2009, 02:11 PM

I just had an idea - why don't you send out a holiday card - early Thanksgiving or what - expressing your thoughts about sharing your wishes and love during the holiday season and that you will not be participating in holiday gift giving. That way you have presented your information in a non threatening supportive fashion and it will give your relatives the time and space to process it. The more I think about it, the happier I am with it!!

MrsMcD - your pain came through your words - I don't think DH's grandparents are going to change. Is there anyway you can give them their gift in private? You are not being unreasonable or out of whack - but the only thing that you can change is your reaction.

**miss_thrifty** · 10-03-2009, 04:23 PM

MIL is like that. we tell her not to buy for us only the kids but she never listens. We tried that years ago but it didnt work . Now I just gave up and make her gifts or find something cheaper.

**ravenmaniac** · 10-03-2009, 04:40 PM

Gifts are given from the heart. If you give a gift your feelings should not be hurt if none is given in return. This is not always the case. Do what is best for you and your immediate family. It is hard when emotions are involved. I enjoy spending time with my family. That is what means the most to me and my kids. My dn is 5 and loves to open up her presents. Watching her is fun.

**Nana2two** · 10-03-2009, 07:39 PM

We are not doing it this year. It will be just our kids 24,18,14 and the 2 grandsons 5 and 2.

**Debbie-cat** · 10-03-2009, 08:59 PM

Crazyhomemaker - You will never change the 'buyers' thinking. She must be a person who just enjoys giving gifts. If you have made it clear that you will not be exchanging gifts then that is all you can do. Just thank her politely and forget about it.

I am a giver....I enjoy giving people gifts and I try very hard to give them something that they will enjoy. I never expect a gift back and I actually prefer not to get anything. When I first met DH, I made gifts for all of his friends that had become my friends and I will continue to do so. I just love doing it. All of our friends stop by a few nights before Christmas, we have a big meal, a few drinks, play games and have a blast. I give them their gifts as they are walking out the door and tell them they cannot open them until Christmas morning. So don't feel uncomfortable...you are unknowingly making her happy.

Mrs.McDowell - can you sneak the grandparents gift into their bedroom for them to open later when no one is around? Or can you give it to them after the other's leave? I know you would like to see their expression when they open the gift, but they might enjoy it more if it is given after all has left. Then they can open it slowly and really look at the gift. Sad that this is happening.

**Contrary Housewife** · 10-03-2009, 09:04 PM

I don't think you can convince them to stop buying you gifts if they really want to do it. All you can do is say thanks, "You shouldn't have", and smile and accept it in the spirit with which it is given.

Maybe it would help if you took a gift to share among the family, like a *large* plate of holiday cookies, a fruit basket, or a couple bottles of wine that folks can enjoy during the get-together. This might ease your discomfort about reciprocating, but without the need to buy individual gifts, or present them to people.

**Minner77** · 10-04-2009, 01:25 PM

Such wisdom here!

I am one of those people who'd prefer people save their limited money and not spend it on me. Now, I know people are givers -- I am, too -- but it drives me crazy when I know people are strapped and spend money they don't have on me. Of course, a lovely plate of cookies or other sweet homemade gift is always appreciated (although we all know that a lot of money can be put into those, too, in addition to the time, right?).

Re the grandparents' rushing through the opening of the gift: I agree with the others who suggest giving it to them in private. Seems like a win-win.

We're lucky that we've all agreed to draw names in our family, but that every now and then someone sees a gift that's just perfect for someone and will pick it up and give it to that someone as an extra (or give it to one of the cash-strapped kids to pass along). No one is offended that someone gets an "extra" -- guess we're luckier than we thought.