An update on me...long and depressing. (sorry)

**IntlMom** · 10-07-2009, 10:27 PM

Thanks for the encouraging words from those of you that welcomed me back. I never thought I’d be one of those people that left the village and then came back. I love it so much here……

About a year ago, we began to realize that dh’s job was beginning to dry up, and so he began to watch for another opportunity. Of course, the job that found him is in CA. He’s great at what he does here. He’s in agriculture/fertilizer, etc….. His name means something out here. His family farms out here. We have lived In CA when we were first married and he farmed with his family. We left in 96 due to family issues (and I was extremely unhappy living out here). We moved to Des Moines, IA….ahhhhhh, Iowa. Well, life happened again, and we had to move back out to CA in 02 due to another job change. It didn’t go well. Something about me and CA just don’t get along. I was miserable the whole time, and in 04, he found a job that brought us back to IA…….ahhhhhh, Iowa. We were there a few years, then left for Kansas. Still the Midwest. Still a great place to be.

Then……..

The end of April we left Kansas and moved to California. I tried, I really tried for it to be OK. Our house sold in KS, everything seemed to be going as it should…….except we had to move out CA. (nothing personal if you love CA, I just so much don’t)
The move was hard on my youngest son, and on me, (obviously). We moved in an apt in one town where we lived till July. Then in July we finally found a house in another area about an hour away from where the apt was. I will upload pictures soon, when you see them, you won’t be able to figure out why I’m so depressed. It’s a gorgeious home! It’s in the mountains. It’s green, it’s cool here, with lots of trees, we have a couple acres, in a small town, and it’s very VERY isolating and lonely.

There is no private school here, and since we are in CA, we are homeschooling the kids. STRESSFUL Fortunatley, we have a special deal here. Our kids go to school with aobut 40 other homeschooled kids M, T, and Th. Wed and Friday they are home with home assignments. Sounds great, but it’s very VERY stressful. the whole special ed thing is the pits and it;s up to me to come in and help when he needs one on one help. Then there is preschool. Not exactly the pretty, clean, neat little preschool I had envisioned for my precious daughter.Then there is the trouble finding a church, and, and, and ....... I can’t even explain why I am so depressed, lonely, sad, and on and on and on……..
But, I feel like a failure as a mom, as a wife, as a Christian……….
Doesn’t make things go so great with the dh……he is already saying that we need to move back to IA to have any hope of saving our marriage…….

So, I am back. But with only half of my heart………………………………

**frugalwarrior** · 10-07-2009, 10:54 PM

Sorry you are having so much of a hard time adjusting. I would suggest you pray. As we both know God will lead where he wants you. I am currently w/o a church and have been praying the same thing. We both need the community.

**IntlMom** · 10-07-2009, 10:58 PM

Originally Posted by frugalwarrior

Sorry you are having so much of a hard time adjusting. I would suggest you pray. As we both know God will lead where he wants you. I am currently w/o a church and have been praying the same thing. We both need the community.

I am, I am. Actually, to put it clearer, I am crying out to God to help me, encourage me and comfort me. I am going to Him with my discouragement......

It's still hard.
really hard

**Debbie-cat** · 10-07-2009, 11:39 PM

I am so sorry Traci. No advice just hugs and will say a prayer for you.

**Teresa T** · 10-07-2009, 11:58 PM

I'm a native Californian and take no offense. I have lived out of the state but returned.

All this moving and with children must be so hard. I'm sorry you don't feel comfortable or happy where you are. I do hope your prayers are answered and something works out for you.

**norcalmommy** · 10-08-2009, 01:36 AM

I am in Northern CA and in a rural area. It was very hard for me the first year until I made friends and found some activities outside the home. Would moving to an area closer to a church and other activities be possible? I will say a prayer for you, hang in there.

**Thevail** · 10-08-2009, 02:11 AM

First.. Remain Calm.. All Is Well.. Remain Calm.. All Is Well..

We have sent the emergency hug supplies.. they should arrive any minute now!

Your husband still loves you, and you still love him. Your kids are all healthy and love you, and you are healthy and love them.

Is there a group for Mom's near where you live? If so, maybe that would be a way to meet other mom's and get some support.

Or maybe a support group for parents of special needs kids?

Can you "interview" churches in the area? I mean just go to one for a Sunday and see if you like it? If not, pick another one for the next Sunday.

Call your old pastor/priest/minister person and talk to them? Even cheaper talk by e-mail?

What sort of activities and groups were you active in at your old place? Are there similar groups where you are now? It might be a good way to meet like-minded people.

Homeschooling is really stressful and the more kids you have the more stressful it is, especially at first when you're all new to it. It does get better and eventually you'll all develop a rhythm that works together.

Hang in there! You CAN do this!

**Pemberleyan** · 10-08-2009, 08:36 AM

Just wanted to say Hi and I'm sorry about how difficult it is. I can relate to the isolation and feeling like a duck out of water.

**Maine Girl** · 10-08-2009, 09:16 AM

I know this might sound crazy but how about getting yourself a massage. When we feel depressed we are low in saratonin (sp?)a massage helps brings levels up.

**Lora88** · 10-08-2009, 10:06 AM

Tracey Is it the isolation the difference in culture of the people Cali is way different from the midwest. Is your dh happy there? I know moving can be hard on the kids but they are resilent and will adjust I am more worried about you an the damage this is doing to your marriage If you moved back would you then be truly happy ? How would it affect dhs carreer? You say you have a lovely home and a healthy family I learned a long time ago to bloom where I am planted. Its not easy but it can be done we are all here for you

**ml2620** · 10-08-2009, 10:13 AM

There has been times in my life when a massage or a yoga class opened the floodgates for me, cleansing emotionally, but a little embarrassing.

Hugs to you, ItlMom. All I can say is, if nothing else, please check in to FV often, it really does help. And over time, hopefully things will get easier as you meet other parents at school, or find a home church. Also, is this town you are living in a new town for you? Try and have an open mind - you decided you didn't like California long before you moved there and I am sure that is not making things easier.

Totally off maybe, but I just finishd reading "My Life in France" - and granted Julia did not seem to have a care in the world (although she, like me, suffered from infertility), but she moved regularly and just embraced every place she was in. Perhaps the book might prove an inspiration (I doubt it will prove a comfort).

BTW...we have our first information session at Wide Horizon's for Children next week. My cousin adopted two children from Korea and we are exploring our options in that respect as well. It made me think of you, I may have questions in a few weeks!

**miss_thrifty** · 10-08-2009, 10:23 AM

hugggss and hang in there dear. Just asking God where you should be at this moment. He'll help ya and let ya know what u need. Its never on our time and exactly what we think we need isnt what he has in mind.

**TigerGirl1226** · 10-08-2009, 10:27 AM

I am sitting here literally crying. I can totally relate to everything just seeming like it should be great, but you just don't have your heart in it. No one seems to understand, but something just feels off. All I can say is that when I've felt like this in the past its gotten better and I pray it does for you too.

**Jamauk** · 10-08-2009, 10:48 AM

(((HUGS))) I've been wondering where you've been. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

**LeeCee** · 10-08-2009, 11:01 AM

I am originally from new york and so is my husband. his family moved to florida years ago and after a few years we did also. coming from new york it's like a culture shock. I find florida ugly and the heat and humidity never stop except for a few months if we are lucky. it is still 90 degrees here.i miss the seasons the winter brisk cold air that you can breathe.you are lucky that your husband is willing to move back to iowa my husband refused to move back and I could not afford to support my son and myself. and so we have lived here for more years than I want to recall and I suffer from depression. don't live where you are not happy and feel sick walking out the door everday. I know all about that. life is too short. I understand completly how you feel. good luck and keep in touch