Ok a lil In-Law advice

**mom23boyz** · 10-17-2009, 02:46 AM

I am going to try to keep this short.
Last August we agreed to rent DH cousins house to help them out and us out too. Rent was $250 cheaper than where we were, her Mom had passed and she wanted to move into her Moms house. We told them BEFORE we moved in we only planned to stay a yr. We did just that. We bought our house and were out by Aug 1st this yr.We gave them about 3 months notice maybe a lil more that we were looking and didn't know when exactly when we would be out. We had found out they stopped making the house payment several months prior and NEVER told us. We were hurt but NEVER said a word! They seemed happy for us...until we got the house and prepared to move. Suddenly they stopped calling or visiting and on moving weekend completely cut ties! We were ALL very close for the 3 years, our kids were INSEPERABLE and then it just stopped.
So here we are 3 months later and she called the other day. They invited us to their annual Halloween party. DH says we have to go and "make nice" I am VERY hurt by all of what went on the last 6 months or so. Especially the part where they were letting the house foreclose without telling us...taking the full rent every month while we ALL were struggling. Funny how they were able to take a 4 day long river trip but were crying broke....oh anyways. I am just wondering how I go to this party and act "normal"? I really want this relationship back on track for the kids!!! I am so hurt and SO CONFUSED!!! TIA for any help!

**Moonface001** · 10-17-2009, 06:05 AM

I think you should go to the Halloween party. Firstly because your cousin has made the effort to invite you. Secondly it will give you the opportunity to have a chat. I can understand why you would be upset that they were forclosing on a house with out telling you while seemingly taking your money. But there might be more to the story. Usually apperances can not be judged as a true representation of a situation. Some things that come to mind is that your cousin could see you and your partner getting your act together to buy a house while they couldn't keep one. As a result they may have been embarrassed or ashamed that they have money issues. Or they may not have wanted to burden you with their problems as you would be leaving soon. They may have other money issues that resulted in them being unable to make payments. If the rental agreement was with someone other then your cousin you still would have been paying rent the whole time even if the property was being forclosed. But in this situation it feels personal as it is family.

I think for your friendship you need to see what the issue was here. I don't think they were trying to be dishonest, I think they were ashamed of their situation and as a result did not say anything. Best of luck.

**Ceashels** · 10-17-2009, 06:08 AM

I would be stunned by that behavior as well. But their finances and way of going about things is not necessarily your business. Their decisions to handle things their way were not yours and you do not have to live with their decisions, they do.

You may need to put your feelings aside for the day so they might take the opportunity to express things in their way, and they may choose not to at all. Let them know how much you've missed them over the past months and hope they have done well.

You may find as you reestablish your closeness that they had their own reasons and logic behind their decisions. You may find that they withdrew because they are/were embarrassed that it had to happen that way.

I wish you luck.

**melanies** · 10-17-2009, 07:16 AM

I would feel the same way that you do. I also think that what they did was pretty slimy overall. I think I would want a convo before the party in order to feel comfortable going. That would be just me I guess, but I would feel like a huge phony otherwise.

**Lora88** · 10-17-2009, 08:10 AM

Go to the party and let this whole thing go. Do not make the mistake of losing this relationship which means alot to you. People do stupid things but trust me life is too short What they did was wrong but it did not have any lasting effects on you. Forgiveness is a gift of high value yet it costs nothing

**Karen1** · 10-17-2009, 08:16 AM

Go and act normal.

No one was hurt in any way truly...except some feelings and we have to let that go and forgive sometimes. Never hold onto a grudge that never truly hurt you....you don't know their side of the story at all. You might find out or not, just let it go.

Not enough people just let things go anymore. Put it to rest, smile, have a great time, let the kids be friends again and move forward. Moving forward in life is top priority...holding onto past problems makes one bitter and stressed and all that mess.

**littleplum** · 10-17-2009, 09:28 AM

It sounds like they feel bad for how they treated you and are trying to ask for forgiveness. If you refuse to come to their party, it's going to be read as a slap in the face.

And whatever they did with the rent money, it was there's to do with as they wanted, once you paid them. And you said yourself that they charged $250 less than your previous rent.

I fail to see where anything other than feelings were hurt and sensibilities were offended.

**shoiji** · 10-17-2009, 12:45 PM

I would try to put it to rest. Your feelings were hurt, but they are reaching out a hand towards your family. Remember that you now have a home, which in someways they helped by giving you a reduced rent. Nothing is ever perfect, but if you truly want the relationship to continue you need to let go. In todays economy you never know how anyone is doing. Also, not everyone spends money wisely or how we see wisely to be.

Hopefully you can get your relationship back on track. All relationships take work. Enjoy yourself at the party.

**calimomx2** · 10-17-2009, 04:57 PM

I agree, go and have a good time and see how things work out. Sounds like they are trying to put this behind them and move forward and your relationship with them is much more important! I hope it all works out for you all!!

**MomToTwoBoys** · 10-17-2009, 05:26 PM

I'm going to say that it might not be a good idea to go to the party. I understand if you guys were close and all, but they let finances get in the way of your relationship. I wouldn't give someone respect if they couldn't give it to me, even if there was an agreed-upon understanding before you moved.

If they want to know why you're refusing to come, let them know that you don't appreciate the way that they behaved before today. If they still can't understand, I'd be done with it and move on.

No one needs wishy-washy relationships in their lives. It'll only make you miserable if it happens again down the road. The whole "I told you so" phrase comes to mind.

**Contrary Housewife** · 10-17-2009, 05:47 PM

You sound like you want to go to the party and be friends again. If I read you correctly they just stopped talking to you when you moved. No harsh words were said, no accusations, etc. they just backed off for 3 months.

Go. Be polite, see how it goes. It may all be water under the bridge by now. They might be wondering why you didn't call them for 3 months. They've made the gesture to you, so go with an open mind and a clean slate and see if you can make it work.

**FrugalMomof3** · 10-17-2009, 06:48 PM

I think that there were underlying issues on why they took your money and didnt pay the mortgage, something they didnt want to tell you but needed the money.

I would go to the party for the kids really but if the topic comes up ask them why they did that to you, since if you hadn't planned on buying a house either way you would have been kicked out my the mortgage company for non-payment, totally not fair to you and your family. That's what would anger me the most.

**annymoll** · 10-17-2009, 07:04 PM

I think that once rent is paid, people have the right to use(or not use it) anyway they see fit. You did the right thing.You paid your rent. Before I went to the party I would do one thing. I would put myself in their shoes. Pretend that I was in forclosure.I would ask myself how I might behave.Then I would make my decision to attend based on that.

**Sassyclass** · 10-18-2009, 05:57 PM

I say go and watch the kids have fun. Maybe they were ashamed of something. Maybe they were a bit jealous of you when you bought your house. Maybe they were having marital problems. Who knows. I don't see where they personally did anything to you other than become distant for whatever reason. I'm sure you will have a good time, and if they feel you need to know what was wrong, they will tell you.

Cat

**mom23boyz** · 10-19-2009, 12:06 AM

Originally Posted by FrugalMomof3

I think that there were underlying issues on why they took your money and didnt pay the mortgage, something they didnt want to tell you but needed the money.

I would go to the party for the kids really but if the topic comes up ask them why they did that to you, since if you hadn't planned on buying a house either way you would have been kicked out my the mortgage company for non-payment, totally not fair to you and your family. That's what would anger me the most.

That is/was my BIGGEST issue!! If I had not bought my house when I did I could be put on the street...I guess it being family I would have expected a little bit more. We lost our house 3 years ago and then the house we rented prior to theirs(the cousins) the landlord DID do the same thing to us. Then we moved there and find out they started doing the same thing. When we moved there we had NO INTENTIONS of buying a house, they stopped paying the mortgage long before we started house shopping in fact that was the reason we did decide to buy the house...we knew we had no choice but to move and with rent so high around here it just made sense.
On that note...we went to the party. We had a good time. With a "setting" like that you don't really talk so we were there but said hi and that was about it. It was a step....a relatively uncomfortable step since the rest of the family and friends we all know and saw kept asking where we have been and what happened. I am sad that they have been telling everyone we cut ties but actually they have. We have contacted them a few times since the move...they don't answer our calls and have not returned any messages left. This is a nasty situation and more than anything I want to get past it all and move on. This may be unsavable and will just be a relationship like many others where we see each other on occasions and talk but nothing more. Thanks all for your thoughts!