Advice Please

**geckoace** · 10-26-2009, 02:16 PM

Ok my best friend's husband does not like me. a year ago he and his friends (while drunk) said some unkind things about my kid. i tried to call him and say something but he didn't respond so i sent him a text basically telling him he doesn't know my family well enough to behave that way and i would appreciate it if he didn't discuss my kids in any way in the future (the words we much more charged) this really pissed him off, which i don't particularly care about he and i do not speak which doesn't really interfere with day to day life in anyway he often speaks ill of me to my friend which i also dont particularly care about and i have told her she doesn't need to defend me to him

but here's the issue..............still a year later he saved the text message. whenever my friend and i are going out he yells at her (often while drunk)to the point where she cries. he tells her she is choosing me over him.... (now im not talking about weekends in vegas im talking about going to the gym or the farmers market).. and that she is taking my side.
but i dont really have a side, this is not an issue i bring up when she and i are out and about.
just this weekend he made her cry and she cried in the car after she picked me for about 15 minutes.

eventhough im not sorry, i told her that i would call him and apologize because i dont appreciate him being sh**ty to my best friend of the last 15 years! and i want him to leave her alone!
she misses couples activities but i told her that truthfully i dont want to hang around someone who acts like this. i dont talk bad about him because he is her husband and i dont have to like him, but i dont want to spend time with him.

should i call and apologize for something im not sorry for? will it help her situation or will he just find some other reason to yell at her?

**Cricketlegs** · 10-26-2009, 02:42 PM

I don't know really.

I just wanted to throw in that when drunk people do things calling them out for it always backfires because they were DRUNK and stupid hangs out with drunk.

Next time, if there is one, ignore him and his taunts.

Why give him power over you with his vile words and actions?

You are a lady, show him how classy you are to how uncouth he is.

**LeeCee** · 10-26-2009, 02:44 PM

I would not apologize to a low life like he seems to be. you didn't do anything wrong. I would rethink my friendship with this woman.he sounds obnoxious and I would wonder why she even stays with him.

**littleplum** · 10-26-2009, 02:47 PM

Your friends husband is abusive. It wouldn't matter if you apologized and MEANT IT, he'll still continue to abuse her.

**WV_mom_of2** · 10-26-2009, 02:48 PM

I think it might make things worse. He sounds very childish and controlling (and maybe an alcoholic too?) and I think if you call then he will jump onto your friend for telling you that he brings it up, etc. It might really make it hard on her.

I would let my friend know that I am sorry for him making her miserable but I'm NOT sorry for standing up for my child. That I am always there for her and I don't want to be in the middle of things with her dh. Then maybe you two can hang out when he is at work or out with his own friends? That way she isn't leaving him to be with you and maybe he will shut up?

**Greebo** · 10-26-2009, 02:55 PM

You cannot fix your friends marriage problems for her.

He and you both did some stupid here. His comments about you were stupid. You taking the bait and reacting with an angry text also wasn't well thought out. But that's where YOUR responsibility for the situation ends.

Him hanging onto the text message and using it to abuse his spouse is not something you can control. You also can't control her choice not to do something about it.

So the best possible course of action available to you here if you choose to continue spending time with your friend is to NOT allow your time with her to be a 'take sides' time. You do not want to be involved in creating a relationship triangle with you on one side, him on the other, and your friend in the middle taking the worst from both sides.

Apologizing to him isn't going to help her, if he's like this to her about you, he'll be like this to her about something else.

Love your friend, be supportive, let the rest of the **** go.

**KeithBC** · 10-26-2009, 02:56 PM

This isn't really your issue. It is about your friend's marriage and her abusive husband.

I would not get involved in their issue unless she asks you to, and even then, I would go with extreme caution. This really is one for the professionals. Your best role would be to be supportive of your friend.

Edit: Heh, Greebo, GMTA.

**Rebookie** · 10-26-2009, 02:58 PM

Sounds like the schmuck needs to lay off the booze and he can occupy his time more constructively.

**Greebo** · 10-26-2009, 03:00 PM

Sorry, GMTA? I should know that one I'm sure...

**Sassyclass** · 10-26-2009, 03:09 PM

Do not apologize if you did nothing wrong. Your friend however needs you since she is in an abusive relationship. Let her know how you feel about his abusiveness. Be honest with her even if it makes her mad. She may back away from you but at least you told the truth. Let her know that you will be there if she needs you, but you will not sit back and be quiet about the abuse because she is your friend and you love her.

and prayers.
Just wanted to add, as someone who was in an abusive relationship and got out, I wish I had a friend who cared enough to tell me to wake up and smell the coffee. Too many people say stay out of it, then someone ends up getting the snot knocked out of them or worse dead and then everyone wants to know why no one helped? Ignoring it will not help anyone. Be a real friend and tell the truth!!! She doesn't have to like what she is told but she needs to hear it from someone who isn't getting paid to say it. JMO.
Cat

**Daisygirl** · 10-26-2009, 03:10 PM

He sounds like an abusive jerk. You would do well to avoid him, and to avoid the two of them when they are together. I would hang out with this particular friend one-on-one.

**JenMarie** · 10-26-2009, 03:27 PM

I would never apologize to anybody for defending my child. I think everyone is right... he has major problems that go way beyond you.

**nodmicks** · 10-26-2009, 03:32 PM

I agree with the majority. Don't apologize. It may make it lots worse.

**geckoace** · 10-26-2009, 03:38 PM

i know you are all right... it just breaks my heart

i think i am most afraid he will isolate her from me (and her family) and then who knows what will happen.

**shoiji** · 10-26-2009, 03:48 PM

I wouldn't have any more conversation with him. He just sounds like an abusive alcoholic. I do understand your concern for your friend. I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship on and off with the same man. It is a very painful thing to watch. Try to let your friend know how much you love her. Let her know her husband is abusive and there are places that can help.

Sending hugs to you and your friend.