sisters pregnant, I'm drowning in self pity

**ml2620** · 11-09-2009, 07:11 AM

My mother called me Saturday to tell me my sister is expecting her second child in April. Her second.

DH and I have been trying to have a baby, really since before our marriage in 2007. My sisters first pregnancy in 2008 was an accident, followed 11 months later by this second pregnancy.

I've never had a good relationship with my sister. She has a lifetime history of mental illness which seems to be better in recent years, as has her drinking, drug use and general irresponsibility. I have alot of resentment towards her anyway, and always feel like I am more deserving of children because I did all the things I was supposed to do in life. Even in the best of circumstances, I would never be delighted with this news.

But given that I am currently undergoing diagnosis and treatment for infertility, I pretty much feel a rage so powerful and hateful it scares me. I know she didn't get pregnant to hurt me, it's just hurtful and I can't seem to let go, I've been crying for days. My mother sprung this on my just before a family birthday party with my husband out of town - and want absolutely nothing to do with my family over the holidays. I hate my sister, and hate my mother for being incredibly insensitive in how she delivered the news. I think if my sister has a girl I'll move out of state and not speak to any of them ever again. I am not kidding.

I know other people have been through this and their are by far worse fates in the world (just Friday I learned a dear friends cancer came back) - but I'm just drowning in self pity and really ugly hatefulness at the moment and knew there was probably someone here who would understand and tell me how to get over it without being dismissive of how I'm feeling.

And please don't tell me to be happy for her.

**nodmicks** · 11-09-2009, 07:44 AM

Big hugs! I honestly do not know how you feel. I had a coworker and friend years ago that had lost 2 baby's, I got pregnant with my second, she got pregnant again, she lost her baby again.
She was avoiding me so I asked why. Her anger at me sounds a lot like it sounds like you are feeling. It made me mad and sad when she said what she really felt but I really see why she felt that way. There was a happy ending to her story though.

I'm really sorry you are going through this and about the way your mother sprung it on you. I don't think anyone should ever dismiss your feelings.

My sibling and spouse tried for 7 year to have their child. Invitro etc. Once my siblings spouse said no more trying because of a new job with travel. Whammo there was a pregnancy. I don't really know what my point is but maybe hope

I hope you find a way to find peace with this. I think your feelings are very normal. Big hugs!

**Sundae** · 11-09-2009, 08:03 AM

Hugs your way...DS and DIL are going through what you are now. No words can make it better but maybe good frienships can. And this is a great place to find them. My prayers are with you and that you have a good proming future ahead with your plans.

QM · 11-09-2009, 08:14 AM

((HUGS)). ml2620, I have no word of wisdom other than to say hating someone never did anything good.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers at this time.

**Pemberleyan** · 11-09-2009, 08:43 AM

First, I'll say that I am 47 and I think you must be much younger. I married late and was never young and actively trying to conceive. At my age I have accepted that I will never give birth. So, while I have never had the feelings you have, I can relate to the longing, disappointment and self-pity, plus a lot of regret.

I want to recommend a wonderful website where I've found a lot of support: www.childlessnotbychoice.com. They will understand. I'm sure many people have gone there at a childless stage in their lives and have later gone on to have children, as you probably will.

Lastly -- and I don't condemn you -- you must overcome the hatred and anger. It will destroy you; it affects you physically, too.

**Avery'sMom** · 11-09-2009, 08:53 AM

Hey there,
I don't post often but your thread touched my heart. Three years ago I was exactly where you are now. We ended up doing 3 rounds of IVF. During that time I was poked, prodded, examined, and 7 losses. I miscarried triplets 2 times and our daughter Tessa died in utero at 32 weeks. I couldn't look at other babies, walk thru the children's section at WalMart, or even hold babies that were born in our family. I hated everyone. I hated all people that just went on with their lives while mine fell apart, I hated myself because I couldn't do the most natural thing in the world, procreate. I was even mad at God for taking my daughter Tessa.

Now, looking back, I see what the plan was. I wouldn't change one thing. All of the hurt was part of the plan because I am a stronger, smarter, person. I'd do all the IVF's again. I would carry Tessa in my belly again...all of it.

Now, the rest of the story. One year ago my DH and I were in China adopting our little girl, Avery. She is now 6. She has some special needs but I think she is perfect. If it were not for all the failed IVF's and Tessa we would not be with Avery. If Avery were not here in the USA, she probably wouldn't be alive.

It is ok to feel how you are feeling now. Really. But, don't make the feelings a habit. Don't get used to them. If you are doing infertility testing, stress can make it worse. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
Lisa

**blueyedixie** · 11-09-2009, 10:03 AM

Im am sorry you are dealing with this, i know exactly how you are feeling. When i married my husband i already had a child, i'm lucky my husband loves him like his own, but we want another one. We have been trying for the past 2 yrs with no luck what so ever, my sister who is 3 yrs older then me, who's child i raised for a yr while she was trying to get her crap together found out she was pregnant, it felt like a knife in my heart. here i was i did everything right, i raised my son with love and compassion, i took her child in to my home as my own, only to have her take him back. i work to support my family while she relies on others, i cried and cried, no one knew how much this hurt me except my best friend. my sister went to have her first ultrasound, shes having twins.... i had a mental break down, or as much as i could and hide it from my family and husband, yes i am jealous and resentful, i was with her the entire time she was in the hospital when she had her first, i did everything for that baby when he was born, but when it was my turn i had no support, i spent every night alone in the hospital (except one when my friend stayed) i did everything that i felt i should have done, i don't want to have anything to do her now or the new babies when they get here, but i know i will because i have a strong sense of responsibility for my family.

i wish you a bundle of joy soon. your feelings are not wrong, just work around them, and maybe you can have joy from spending time with your sister. I hope you the best

**Lora88** · 11-09-2009, 10:20 AM

Feelings are not right or wrong they just are. What you are feeling is normal My dd is going thru the same thing right now All I can say is try to remember we can only see whats right in front of us God sees the whole picture place this in his hands and his plans will be shown to you in Gods own time

**craftypam** · 11-09-2009, 10:29 AM

I'm sorry for what you are going through. But please please try to get rid of the anger, because in the end it will only harm you. Anger will eat you while she is just going on with her life. HUGS

**Inkstain82** · 11-09-2009, 10:33 AM

I'm very sorry. This can be such an incredibly touchy and emotional angle.

Last year, my sister got pregnant when my wife and I had been trying for a long time. Then my wife got pregnant a few months later. Then my sister lost her baby at 20 weeks quite suddenly and unexpectedly.

Thankfully, my sister is an incredibly gracious person who handled it with grace. But it was still incredibly hard on all sides.

**PaulaMM** · 11-09-2009, 10:39 AM

I say the anger, hurt and disappointment are only natural and if that's the way you feel, then that's the way you feel.

My SIL had a great deal of trouble getting conceiving and while I was pregnant with my daughter, she became pregnant. We were so happy and I was estatic to be able to share this experience with her. Unfortunately, very shortly after I gave birth, she lost her baby. It was such an emotional time and I don't think she resented me but I would have understood if she had. I know that I felt a measure of guilt cuddling my perfect baby girl while my SIL and BIL were going through the worst pain of their lives.

God bless you.

**monkeywrangler71** · 11-09-2009, 10:44 AM

Lots of people have felt just like you do right now. You have to be careful not to let your sister know about them though. I would recommend you get yourself a journal and right down every thought and feeling, no matter how terrible. Get as much hate down on the page as you can. Then burn it.

**madhen** · 11-09-2009, 11:35 AM

I can't imagine you feeling any other way. You are human, and from the way you explain it, I can complety understand your frustration.

I won't tell you to be happy for her. But I would suggest you just find a neutral reason to keep at a distance until you can process your feelings and emotions. I don't think launching on your mother or sister right now will make you feel any better.

**Kerjack** · 11-09-2009, 11:48 AM

I am so sorry. I have no idea how you are feeling, but I know that what your feeling isn't wrong. I can understand why your feeling that way and if it was anyone else they'd probably feel the same way as well.

All I can say is keep your head up, don't let all of this consume you. This too shall pass. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

**IntlMom** · 11-09-2009, 12:19 PM

I'm sorry you are dealing with this......AND I DO KNOW EXACTY how you feel.

my name is IntlMom.....as is International Mom. We have 3 children, all adopted internationally. (2 boys from Russia and a beautiful daughter from China)

I get it. Really. Everyone is getting prego around you without even trying, and no matter what you try, you can't. I went all the way to four failed IVFs.....6 years and 3 surgeries later, our home is filled with laughter...... but my journey started where you are right now.

Look, whatever you are feeling right now is completely natural. You need to do what you need to do to be able to deal with what's going on. Me? I didn;t hate ppl for getting prego, but I couldn;t go to anyone's baby showers, or work in the nursery at church.....not that I'm a bad person, it just was too painful.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your pain....there are many MANY of us that have walked the road you are on right now.....

lots of hugs to you.... now, go do something you enjoy, quite frankly, I don't care what it is, or how much it costs, if it helps you deal with your life situation, it's just what you need to do.

((hugs))

ps - there is light on the other end of this dark path, I promise!