Anyone else ever feel this way?

**Jeanna** · 11-24-2009, 01:56 PM

Christmas is a coming soon and I am looking forward to the get together's, decorations, Christmas plays, etc. However I am not looking forward to the gift giving. Outside my husband and children. We are very strapped money wise and I am down sick and just can't even think about making things. I would gladly just tell everyone we are not buying Christmas gifts for everyone this year and then take what we can afford and donate to a good cause, such as a food bank or angel tree. My husband however, thinks the money will just appear and we will be able to buy all fifteen gifts that we are supposed to buy outside our immediate household. We go through this ever year and we always put off bills that need to be paid to fulfill some obligation that we seem to have. I am tired of doing it and this year I just don't know if my health will let me. I love to shop on-line and have it delivered but then you get into the shipping and handling that just adds to the totals. Anyway, I just needed to vent to someone because I can't seem to get it though to anyone here. Thanks for listening.

**monkeywrangler71** · 11-24-2009, 02:06 PM

Have you asked any of those fifteen people if they feel the same way? I bet some of them would love to stop exchanging gifts. Over the years we managed to cut out all of our siblings and most of our nieces - they were just as happy to stop as we were.

**quiltingmommy** · 11-24-2009, 02:12 PM

I am kind of in the same boat as you are...although dh is on board, his family is not. I come from a large family and we haven't exchanged gifts in years (no one could really afford to anyways) we try and get together (live about 1 1/2 hrs from each person) and usually exchange things we've baked/canned and have a blast. but dh side is very gift oriented and even though we've told them Christmas is going to be very small, they don't seem to get it. I love Christmas, but for the feeling, not the gifts.

**craftypam** · 11-24-2009, 02:24 PM

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time with this. I know this won't work for this year, but if you saved $5 a week for a year you'd have $260 to start with for Christmas. I have learned to do this with large annual bills and its so much easier than coming up with a large amount all at once. I do think there is waaayyy to much importance on how much is spent at Christmas. You can also come up with very inexpensive gifts if you just put your mind to it. I have done this for years when my dh wasn't working in winter. Ask others if they have any ideas. Something like putting a gift basket together of the likes of a person you are giving to. How about gift certificates. Even for a video store to see a couple of movies and put popcorn pkgs and a couple cans of soda. Good Luck

**perSue** · 11-24-2009, 02:24 PM

I feel the same way too.
Times are hard now... and what we're doing is buying ONLY for the kids. And everyone knows just a few little things here & there.

DH buys something nice for his siblings each year. It's HIS family after all. I make something for the wives (something simple & nice)... and try to make something for the kids (most of which are teens now).
So if I can't think of anything to make... I'll go to the dollar store & make little gift baggies/boxes of simple things.

Nothing huge or over the top... still less expensive than buying something big. Besides, that's what their parents are for... we just give simple things.

Can you talk to the other adults & just do a "kid only" gift exchange? If they don't want to.... then explain to them clearly that YOU are... because times are tough, only the kids will receive gifts this year.

Even if all you make is a plate of cookies for the kids... or the whole family, they should be grateful you thought of them.

I've done that... given a big ol' tray (from thrift store) full of candies, brownies, cookies & such to a family. They loved it!
Put a little colored cling wrap & a bow... looks pretty.
(And they sell those pre-cut & shaped cookies now too!)

But if you really dont feel up to it... there should be no obligation. Though easier said than done!

Just let the family know... people can be a lot more understanding when we talk to them, than when we assume (that's my problem).

Can't hurt to try.

**Teresa T** · 11-24-2009, 02:33 PM

You could always tell other family and friends that you are not exchanging gifts outside the IMMEDIATE family.

I really dislike this time of year. It ruins wonderful winter for me. It is just a commercial mess.

I was not raised with Christmas. My brother married a catholic European gal so they do Christmas. I am no longer sending my nieces gifts. I'm just going to send them money and be done with it.

You certainly are not obligated to buy presents for anyone. If you really feel that way, if you really want to keep it in the immediate family than do so. Don't be afraid to express how you feel to others. I used to be. Not anymore. If you tell people how you are feeling about this it may take a large weight off your shoulders. And if someone is mad at you, than that is on them. You have no control over another person.

I mean really is this what this time of year is supposed to be about. Not that Jesus was born in December anyway.

**Jeanna** · 11-24-2009, 04:14 PM

I should clarify one thing. I really am only supposed to buy for 13 but I told my husband that if I had to buy for his brothers and sisters, who have much more money than we do then I would also buy for my brother and sister because although my brother is married he never gets anything for Christmas and my sister is a single mother and she has our mother living with her.

As for the others yes I have brought it up for years at first it was it wasn't fair because my brother in-law wasn't married and then because him and his wife didn't have any children. Well now they do so instead of cutting out gifts we just added another one.

As far as saving yes you are right we should save through the year for Christmas and I have done told the whole family that once Christmas is over we are going on a debt diet/very strict budget.

As far as the price of the gifts this is what gets me. It's not the gift that counts it is how much you spend on it. This year the minimum is $25 per person. So that is $325 before I even start on my own family.

As far as me saying anything--it's a big no no. I am already considered the reason my husband had a heart attack last year, because I am unable to hold a job and he works. My sister and I do not get along as it is. I told her and her husband exactly how I felt earlier in the fall and neither one as talked to me since. Anyway we have also got to buy a present tomorrow for my husbands brother for his birthday--this is something we do not do on my side of the family--and then we have our nephews birthday next weekend. ugh!

**Texasgirl** · 11-24-2009, 04:33 PM

My dh has a large family.
It got to the point where it was costing to much to give to everyone.
So they started doing Dirty Santa.
Each person buys 1 gift cost limit $15.00 you wrap it.
When we all get together all the gifts get put in a pile
We draw numbers to see who goes first.
If someone decides that they want a gift that has already been unwraped they can "steal" the gift and the person that it was taken from gets to choose again.
We do have a limit on how many times a gift can be stolen and it is 3 times.
We all have fun doing this even dh's 94 yr old grandmother.

Maybe suggest something like this to them.

**NikoSan999** · 11-24-2009, 04:37 PM

Try giving him the check book and the stack of bills and tell him to figure out how to do this. Lay out the list of names with the $25 each beside each name and total them up. Then put YOUR kids names down.

Last year we didn't do gifts for anyone except our youngest. This year probably won't be any different as it's even a worse year.

MY opinion, he's not being fair to you and your kids. Sorry

**jontue** · 11-24-2009, 04:38 PM

i see that in your post you are a bible believing christian. please, please tell me where in the bible it says you are OBLIGATED to buy gifts for anyone ! gifts should come from the heart, not because someone says you should. also, isn't being frugal setting limits ? putting off paying bills to buy gifts isn't the answer. i would simply tell them all we can't afford it this year and let the chips fall where they may. if a gift is more important than getting together with family, something is very wrong. in the end it's not worth getting upset about.
just my humble opinion.

**Teresa T** · 11-24-2009, 04:52 PM

Originally Posted by jontue

i see that in your post you are a bible believing christian. please, please tell me where in the bible it says you are OBLIGATED to buy gifts for anyone ! gifts should come from the heart, not because someone says you should. also, isn't being frugal setting limits ? putting off paying bills to buy gifts isn't the answer. i would simply tell them all we can't afford it this year and let the chips fall where they may. if a gift is more important than getting together with family, something is very wrong. in the end it's not worth getting upset about.
just my humble opinion.

Your humble opinion makes a lot of sense.

I certainly would not want anyone to hold your signature against you because those are your beliefs. However this gift giving thing sounds very complicated. Why not just stop. Birthdays outside the immediate family and all.

And to think someone would not talk to you anymore because of it. Very sad. Perhaps sit down and talk to your husband. Let him know how you fell and come up with a solution that works both financially and emotionally for you.

**craftypam** · 11-24-2009, 04:55 PM

Originally Posted by Jeanna

I should clarify one thing. I really am only supposed to buy for 13 but I told my husband that if I had to buy for his brothers and sisters, who have much more money than we do then I would also buy for my brother and sister because although my brother is married he never gets anything for Christmas and my sister is a single mother and she has our mother living with her.

As for the others yes I have brought it up for years at first it was it wasn't fair because my brother in-law wasn't married and then because him and his wife didn't have any children. Well now they do so instead of cutting out gifts we just added another one.

As far as saving yes you are right we should save through the year for Christmas and I have done told the whole family that once Christmas is over we are going on a debt diet/very strict budget.

As far as the price of the gifts this is what gets me. It's not the gift that counts it is how much you spend on it. This year the minimum is $25 per person. So that is $325 before I even start on my own family.

As far as me saying anything--it's a big no no. I am already considered the reason my husband had a heart attack last year, because I am unable to hold a job and he works. My sister and I do not get along as it is. I told her and her husband exactly how I felt earlier in the fall and neither one as talked to me since. Anyway we have also got to buy a present tomorrow for my husbands brother for his birthday--this is something we do not do on my side of the family--and then we have our nephews birthday next weekend. ugh!

LOVE YOUR AVATAR!!! SOOOOOOO CUTE!!!!

I have a good idea!!! Watch the Christmas sales. Do you have a Kohls near you? They have 1/2 off alot of their items for Christmas. They also give $10 coupons off $50; to be used the following week. That way you could spend less and still give $25 items. Hope this helps some.

**sabrelvssammy** · 11-24-2009, 05:04 PM

i feel this way about my brothers 3 kids...i love the kids but why must i 'shower' them with presents every x-mas and birthdays too during the year...(which he has already told my sister and i that he 'expects' us to do....).....which was presented like this:

you know...you both (my sis & I) have 1 kid each that is grown now...so that is 18 yrs of x-mas and b-day presents that i gave each one during their childhood (which is a BUNCH OF CRAP) coz he was the 'single guy' going about his 'single life' and i assure you that we were not waiting by the mailboxes when our son's b-days arrived each yr...) oh- but how easily he forgets....so he tells us we have many many yrs to go before we are 'even' with buying each others kids presents... oh really.... when i went to school the result of 1 x's something was always such a smaller number than that of 3 x's something....(i long ago maxed out the 'even' part of this equation)....but if i was to stop any buying (x-mas or b-days) there were be $%** to pay.... and like others have mentioned...i need to be spending $20-25 per kid per occasion per yr.... and this is getting out of hand....(especially when after i watched them open their x-mas presents last yr and throw them aside like they were nothing)...i would have gladly had the $75 bucks i spent on them in my bank account.....(at least i can send their b-day presents to them so i don't have to witness the disappointing looks 2 x's a yr).....

so each yr after the holiday is over i search the stores for something that was originally $100 that i can get for $25 (so of course i don't look 'cheap').....and we do it all over again.....

you are not alone in this...i don't have an answer to your problem...all i can do is commiserate with you and hope that one of these days everyone comes to their senses and sees that we are all starting to resemble nothing more than a bunch of hamsters running on our wheels....and we will be allowed to stop and get off...

**jontue** · 11-24-2009, 05:28 PM

i meant no disrespect about being a christian in my previous post. but where is the joy in giving if one is so stressed out about it. life is just too short.
i do hope you find a solution that solves this dilemma. keep us posted on your decision

**Nishu** · 11-24-2009, 05:33 PM

It would make me absolutely sick if someone put off paying a bill in order to buy me a present.

I don't think I'm going to buy gifts this year for people other than the kids. I guess I have money to do it, I would just rather pay off debt and build my savings. I'm hoping to get off easy and just consider my trip home to be my gift to everyone.