Worry....

[suebeehoney]

Just need to air this out a bit, I guess, and get it off my chest, because it's got me worried.

DS18 has been pretty good about talking to me about problems, etc....until recently. He's gotten very close-mouthed, and is spending more and more time away from home with friends. I understand the whole independent teenager/young adult thing, but I am worried because he's not talking to me much anymore.

I talked to DD21 about it last night, because they are very close and take walks together often, just to get out of the house (neither of them drives yet). She said he found out Christmas Day that a good friend of his in another state (where DS18 used to live with his dad) died in a car accident Christmas eve. Apparently this friend's parents got on the kid's e-mail account and notified all his friends of the funeral plans, etc.

DS18 has not mentioned this to me at all, but has discussed it with DD21 - and he asked her not to tell me, but she did, so that I would understand why he was acting so strangely.

In the interest of not betraying his trust in his sister, I am not going to say anything to him, or let on that I know about this. I'm just concerned, as any mom would be when their child experiences something like this.

Any pointers or advice? I'm just trying to maintain a low profile where he is concerned, and let him deal with this - I feel that if he wants me to be involved in it, he will tell me. Am I right in feeling this way?

[hotprincesscm]

Maybe you can suggest to your DD to recommend DS talk to you about it and maybe you can help him somehow? IDK? That is a tough situation! My prayers are with you and your son!

[NikoSan999]

yep, you're right. Otherwise he'll quit talking to the sister or she'll quit telling out then you're screwed if you feel the need to find out anything. Been there, done that and way more than once. Hard to keep your mouth shut but I wouldn't say anything. Wait until he's ready to say something to you.

[mombottoo]

(((HUGS))) It's hard when our kids stop coming to us with their burdens, but it is a sign of maturity. Your son probably just needs time to process what has happened to his friend and to process the way he found out.

Personally I think what his friends parents did is horrid. E-mail is a horrible way to find out about a death, but to find out about that death on Christmas day is just too much.

If you get a chance you could mention to your son that he seems deep in thought and let him know you are there if he needs you to listen. That's what I do when I can tell something is bothering my adult kids, but they haven't said anything. If they don't want to open up, then I just figure it's something they want to deal with on their own.

[Ceashels]

If you get a chance you could mention to your son that he seems deep in thought and let him know you are there if he needs you to listen. That's what I do when I can tell something is bothering my adult kids, but they haven't said anything. If they don't want to open up, then I just figure it's something they want to deal with on their own.

I agree! Very good advice.

[Libby]

Ask him directly but w/o letting him know you know: "Are you alright? You dont seem like your usual self??" And go from there?

[cab54]

My DS#1 lost his best friend in a car accident when he was 17. He was very quiet for quite awhile. We already knew about it, because he came home from school saying his friend had an accident that morning on the way to school. I think he thought he was going to be OK (you know, they think they are all young and invincible) and said he had head and chest injuries. Being a nurse, I knew this didn't mean he had scrapes and bruises. It was serious. He got a call that night from a friend, that he hadn't made it. He was very quiet. It's the shock that this can actually happen to someone they know...someone close to them.

As for your son...maybe he was trying not to bring this up at Christmas time to you? Have you and DH made he and his sister hold off on driving? Maybe he's afraid you wouldnt let him now?

Maybe he's just dealing with the finality of it all. The fact that the friend is really really gone. A young person in the prime of his life. And isn't sure how to talk about it. To anyone but sis. Maybe is afraid he'll break down in front of you and be ashamed (men/boys really hate this).

I agree with just asking him why so glum/closedmouth. Be careful you don't blow sister's cover. He will tell you eventually, I think. Even if it's a long time from now.

[cab54]

Oh, I just thought of something else....


Now be calm.....maybe the friend had drugs or alcohol in his system at the time of his death (behind the wheel). And DS is afraid you'll think he does this too, and get all in his face about it? Rest assured that because some kids do drugs or drink, doesn't mean all their friends do. If you find out this is the case.....give him the benefit of the doubt, and let it rest. (JMO) He IS grieving after all, and the accident and death is quite a lesson in itself, about the subject.

[tervsforme]

I agree with the other replies. You don't want to break any confidences because then any communication will immediately stop. Just being there for him when he does open up will mean a lot to him.

[2ndGenGranola]

I'm sure not 17 but I found out on Christmas Day by way of facebook that one of my school buddies died suddenly. I know I've been quiet and introspective since. I'm not miffed at them for telling me by facebook. There is no human way he could contact all of us and still deal with the goings on. My hubby was wondering what was going on before I told him but even at 44, I had to process it a while before I told him.

The important thing now it that you know why and can make yourself available if he wants to talk. You can also be sensitive to his leads for quiet time or people time.

[suebeehoney]

Thank you all very much for your kind thoughts, prayers, and advice.

At this point, I've just let him know that if he needs to talk about anything, he can come to me to talk, but that I understand if he has things he wants to keep to himself...but that I'm there if he needs to talk.

To answer one of the questions asked, no, I haven't kept them from driving on purpose, but driver's ed is no longer free in our state, and it's been difficult to come up with the money for it. Now that DS18 is 18, he can take a driving test & written test and get his license, but as we are in the depths of winter here in MI, that's not going to happen until spring. DD21 just never learned to drive - she never wanted to, and intentionally failed 2 written tests when she lived with her dad (forgot her glasses, something wrong with the computer..yeah, right!).

This compares to when DD21 lost a friend to a car accident (which may be why she won't drive) in high school...she did not want me to go to the funeral with her, she wanted to go alone. She was 17 at the time. She thanked me later for understanding why she needed to go alone. So I am going to remain MUM on this one with DS18 and see how it goes.

We did have a little run-in last night when he went out with friends to go bowling, and one of the friends told me they'd be home by 9:30...but apparently that wasn't communicated to DS18, and he came home at 11:45, by which time I was pretty freaked out and was unable to reach him by cell phone. Ah..teenagers.

[cab54]

Ugh....I always hated that with my boys. Later than agreed upon, or past curfew.......can't reach them by phone.......freaking out.

Mine are 23 and (almost) 26 now. They live far from me (CA and FL) and I miss them terribly. But, they call often enough to let me know they're OK.