Feeling sad for my little guy Warning: VENT!!!!

**nessarowdy** · 01-20-2010, 06:59 PM

Hi all! Well, I am so down right now. My son is 8 and in the 2nd grade. We live in a small town, so his class is very small. He has 2 best friends that he hangs out with all of the time. So much in fact that the families have even started hanging out together. The problem? One of the boys is SUCH a brat! He is spoiled rotten, and his parents think he's wonderful. He's also brilliant, so he's super sneaky about mean without getting caught. My boy? Not so much. Always gets caught, period. I tell him to find other kids to play with as he gets ganged up on periodically by the other two. He was so sad today. It was brat's (sorry, it's just easier to call him that!) birthday today, so the birthday child can pick 2 buddies and eat with the teacher. He was so excited, he packed some Nerds in his lunchbox as a special treat to share with his friends. The last second before lunch brat tells my son he is a jerk and picks the other boy who they are tight with and then a random boy. He was so devastated! Then he said they kept running away from him and telling him he was slow. I HATE MEAN KIDS!

Now I'm so ticked off that I don't want to attend his family birthday party this weekend. How do I get over this? Would you approach the child's mother and say that he is so hurtful? I truthfully don't think she would even see it and would flip it around to say how horrible my child is. Which he can be, I would agree. He was diagnosed with PDD-NOS in kindergarten, which is a mild form of autism. He is very blunt and will not mince words. Which typically is a turn-off to most 2nd graders! But he is loyal to a fault.

Bottom line: How long would you let this go on? This child is a horrible example of what a true friendship should really be, and I don't see it getting any better.

Would love your input!

Thanks,
vanessa

**shoiji** · 01-20-2010, 07:16 PM

Unfortunately kids can be truly cruel. Seeing your son go through these difficult childhood experiences must be difficult and maddening.

Is there anyway you can encourage your child to meet and play with additional children? Have an small get together at your house. Are there any children themed activites or events that you can take your child to which would encourage meeting new children? Maybe at a library, museum, or community center?

Not sure what to say about the Birthday party. You could go and see how things progress. No one says you need to stay long.

Sending hugs to you and your son. Hope things get better and work out.

**alotofgooddeals** · 01-20-2010, 07:27 PM

invite some other children over in hopes that your son will become best friends with some other children....
My daughter had/has this friend that was alot the same way you are talking about.... as long as children fit into what she needed they were her best friend...however if they didn't fit into what she needed at the time being watch out...she was just downright rude. One day we were at the school fair and my daughter was thrilled to see her there, she walked up to the girl and said hi and asked her if she wanted to come and play...the little girl looked at her like she hadn't known her ever... her mom apologized and said she didn't know what got into her daughter.. I just said okay and directed my daughter to go and find another friend... which she did...at a later time this girl came over to my daughter and other friends and went under the limbo..one of my daughters other friends reminded her that it didn't matter if she hit the pole that she still could get a prize. the mean girl didn't acknowledge that she had heard this girl and the girl repeated herself and the mean girl exploded at her screaming.. "I know if i want a prize i will pick it up and walked off. After we went outside to go home i asked my daughter if the girl acted like this at school and she said sometimes...I reminded my daughter that it is never ever okay to treat anyone with such disrespect ever at all... it doesn't matter if they are your friend or not....My daughter said she knew that wasn't okay and that she actually doesn't play with this girl that often anymore...and I was like phew...someone is in for a rude awakening some days.. The trouble is she has all the teachers fooled that she is such a nice girl(the man girll) and it infuriates me because she is a teacher's pets and gets to do all the fun stuff first....

**bumplett** · 01-20-2010, 08:03 PM

I think you should go to the b-day party. The best way to show our kids how to behave and be the bigger person is to be the bigger person.

As long as noone has been physically injured (with intent) - let it go. I wouldn't say anything to the parent, not at this point - just surround your son with other options of friends. He'll survive. We all do.

Mean kids suck.

**2ndGenGranola** · 01-20-2010, 11:14 PM

How about going to the party and going out of your way to purchase this gift: A Little Book of Manners for Boys (or a similar one that suits your fancy).

**NewLeaf** · 01-21-2010, 08:35 AM

I am so sorry you're going through this. It's hard to separate our feelings from the situation when it affects our kids. I know, I turn into a mother lion when my kids are mistreated. My ds 7 has adhs/aspergers. When he picks a friend he is loyal until the end. But if he gets mad he holds a grudge.

I think I would go to the party and give the Manners book (2nd Gen's idea). But I would keep an eye on the boys and leave immediately if things go downhill. Just have a handy excuse for leaving.

I would also have a little talk w/ds about how friends should treat ea. other. Tell him you don't have to hang around someone who is being mean. Maybe give him some words to say if the situation arises. And it will with this boy or another.......

**miss_thrifty** · 01-21-2010, 10:15 AM

Im so sorry hes going through this. both my boys have went through this and my youngest up too last year was in grade 7. he's very tiny for his age and alot of kids he wont fight back.
I would go to the party and like the others you dont have to stay long. Id would invite back kids that your son likes back to your house one day. that may help him see that not all kids are like that.

**Rebookie** · 01-21-2010, 12:09 PM

Poor guy!=( Little ones don't deserve that!! I want to punch that little jerk in his face(I wouldn't of course). Life isn't fair and people are going to be mean. This is where your good mama skills come in and teach him that to be a good friend you are dependable, fair, and loyal. Tell him that is how the brat might act, but it is NEVER ok for him to be like that.

Mine is 7 and in 2nd grade too.. This is my worst nightmare.. Not only is my boy sensitive, I am too.

**Debbie-cat** · 01-21-2010, 01:11 PM

(((hugs)))

**ravenmoonmother** · 01-21-2010, 07:53 PM

I am in the uk and i don't know what you have near you but what helped with my children was joining scouts, well cubs and beavers they only 7 and 8.
When my little boy was younger he wanted to play with the little boy whos family had just moved in next door. We let them play together outside while we watched them and after a week or so the little boy invited my son into their house, we said ok if its ok with his parents, behave yourself and mind your manners.
Well he had only been gone half an hour or so when he came back in tears, saying the boy had hurt him.
My first reaction was to pick him up, hug him and take a few deep breaths because i felt like throwing up. There was my sensitive sweet little boy in tears because some one had hurt him.
I talked to him to find out what happened, apparently this other boy had started play fighting and had got too ruff.
I wanted to say well you are not playing with him ever again but i explained to my son that it was up to him, if he still wanted to play that he could but to come and tell my the min. that he wasn't happy because it wasn't ok for him to get hurt and that he wasn't to play fight.
As it turned out we stopped letting him go out to play with this boy because it was always go and fetch your toys, do this do that and to be honest he is not a very nice boy.
My son is home educated and has two sisters and four female cousins, his only male cousin he adores but hes only 5. He wanted boys to play with and where we live i don't let the kids out to play alone as groups of kids hanging around on street corners carrying sticks and getting into trouble is not what i want my kids mixing with.
I found a local scout group and since he and my daughter joined they have had a fantastic time. The leaders are brilliant and are teaching the kids values and standards to be proud of.
I think you should explain to your son that its his choice, if he wants to carry on being friends with these boys then he can but that something that makes him unhappy is not ok. Make sure he knows you are there for him and he can tell you anything.
At the same time look around for other things for him to do that help him meet other children.
I hope all this makes some sense, its 1 am here and my 4 year old has just woken up in a very chatty mood.

**Rebookie** · 01-21-2010, 08:18 PM

My boy is in Scouts also! The kids are really nice to him there. Sometimes mines the rowdy one! =D

**frugalwarrior2** · 01-21-2010, 08:40 PM

I hate to say this but that is boys. They are like a wolf pack. Always jostleing for whose the top. Some of the things my Ds says to his friends and the things they say to him are horrible. I also remember the same things being said between my DH's friends and him. They are friends 30 years later. They are physical or insulting when they are showing affection. When DS came home and was venting if I did anything about he got mad at me. Normally,it would work itself out. He needs to take his licks and give them back a little too. I know this will be hard w/ his disorder but socialize him as much as possible.
I agree that scouts and boys club,awanas,library club,or another such group is important. Church clubs would prob. be best.
The hardest thing is too let kids take lumps of any sort. And yes I have kids w/ prob. The one I fended for doesn't do 1/2 as well as the one who learned to take hits and give a little crap back once in awhile.

I remember 1 time the coaches DD was hitting my kid in the shins w/ her stick. He had about 16 bruises after 1 game. He was very frustrated because she was a girl and the coaches DD. So I told him, give her a check into the wall, don't cream her but let her know it ain't gonna go. He said i was the coolest. She moved onto annoying someone else. We both knew her dad had a blind spot. So we nudged back. Teach your DS not to put up w/ it w/o being violent if he can get that.

I would go to the party. I would keep my emotions in check. If it isn't working tell her later,privately. Find a new crowd if you have to. Good luck. It's always something.