Husband went back on his word

**madhen** · 02-12-2010, 03:14 PM

I agree with everybody.

No, seriously, I had the same bristle reaction, mostly because of the wording that hubby says you can't have another dog. He is your husband, not your father, and you are both adults. You have as much say as he does in the relationship, and you have the right to have a dog, if having a dog is something that is important to you. But good for you for involving him fully in the decision, if that is what you are doing.

That said, if he sounds dead-set against having another dog, he either changed his mind from when he first agreed to a dog, or he only said another dog was okay in the first place to placate you and put the issue off for a while. It is important to find out which, in a non-confrontational way. If the former, I agree that his mind can be changed again. If the latter, bigger problem, but you might talk to him about how important it is to you to have another dog and come up with some sort of arrangement. Maybe you can foster for a breed rescue for a time, so he can experience having a dog around without having to make a lifetime commitment.

I also agree with those who say adopt, don't buy from a breeder, but I know some people have a love for a specific breed and may not want to adopt a dog of unknown lineage. I would strongly recommend that you check a breed rescue first, though. We have THREE Chow rescues within a stone's throw of me, and they all have some purebred dogs. You might not get a puppy, but you'll get a dog who really needs you.

**pollypurebred39** · 02-12-2010, 03:50 PM

Ceasheals Quote- "I would let him know then just how hurt you were that he changed the rules unilaterally on you and that wasn't fair."

Yeah, I plan on it. Now just seems like it's not the right time. I'll keep saving and hopefully he'll become more open to it soon.

I can't say what spurned this change in mind, but I have to honor his wishes at this time. We never do anything big in our household without being in agreement.

As far as my money, his money it's like Ceasheals says, we each have our own allowance of sorts, combined with money that's been gifted. I can do whatever I want with mine, except change our world, which is what a dog will do.

To those who suggested a shelter or a rescue dog, nothings out of the realm of possibilites. When we are both ready I'll look into all options. In the mean time I'll keep saving.

To those who said they'd do it anyway, believe me I had a moment last night where I entertained the thought. My GF always says, "It's better to apologize then ask permission" She said it was the best advice she ever got when she got married.

Thank You everyone for your support and advice.

**madhen** · 02-12-2010, 04:10 PM

Then there is always the "Hey, look what showed up on the doorstep!!" approach.

**craftypam** · 02-12-2010, 05:44 PM

IMHO Good marriages are based on respect and compromise. Going out and just bringing a dog homez is probably not a real good idea. I'm in a similar situation except for the fact that it wasn't promised to me. (And I know Polly that is all the difference) We had to put both of our dogs to sleep last year within 6 months of each other. My dh handled it and it was very hard losing them so close together. On top of it my dh is working nights and sleeping evenings so its really lonely and quiet around here. He was raised with no pets and I've always had a dog. He's been really good about letting me have several pets over the years (34). I really want a dog and he doesn't. I have told him I don't think I can go the rest of my life w/o a dog. I'm being patient for the time. Financially we need to wait right now too, but I can't wait to get one. The last dog we got was from an organization that adopted dogs out. She was 2 years old and had no papers; but she had alot of golden retriever in her. My feelings on mixed breed; shelter dogs. You love them the same no matter what the breed.
Good Luck Polly; I hope we can both get another dog.

**EarthIncentives** · 02-13-2010, 05:00 AM

Here is MY temporary solution to this problem that we share: FooPets dot com.

It's not a very good substitute, but my foopet (hachi) does make me smile, I have to admit.
Let your husband play with your foopet for a little while and he'll remember why it's so good to have man's best friend around! lol
If you "adopt" a pet there, be sure to friend me. My username is EarthIncentives there, too.
It's not the same thing, but it's what I have to settle for. Our neighbor lost two puppies to parvo last summer, and we're very afraid of exposing any other animals to the yard. I've learned that parvo can stick around in grass for years.
So, FooPets it is, for now.

Good luck to you. I'm sure he'll come around once he's reminded how nice it is to have a good dog.

**craftypam** · 02-13-2010, 08:40 AM

Earthincentives; There is a vaccine against parvo; wouldn't that work?

**EarthIncentives** · 02-13-2010, 11:59 AM

Yes, the vaccine definitely works, and it is usually administered in 4 stages; but the virus could still be transmitted anywhere and everywhere we walk. I've read a story about a postman who carried the virus to several dogs (mostly puppies, who had been vaccinated, in a neighborhood, just by walking through yards. As soon as it gets warm, the virus seems to bounce back, and puppies are very susceptible, with or without the shots, it seems.
I do think we're being a little overly paranoid, but it was a horrible sight and sound when those puppies died

**annymoll** · 02-13-2010, 11:24 PM

If I was the financial provider in a home that was struggling to put food on the table for the children, I would be very concerned about adding another responsibility. Pet food is expensive. If the pet were to become ill it could be a very costly situation.I do not think your husband should have made that promise to you, and I think backing out without an explanation is unkind.However, the focus on debt seems to speak for itself.

**rowdy35** · 02-14-2010, 12:01 AM

I would be upset and angry too, so just want to say "hang in there" Polly !

**pollypurebred39** · 02-14-2010, 01:36 AM

If I honestly thought this was just about debt it would be easier to swallow. The addition of this and this added to the being free of debt statement is what has me wondering. Will he ever think we have enough money? Has this economic down turn freaked him out so much he's going to be weird about things long after we've personally recovered?

The cost of pet food and routine medical care /minor illnesses has always been my responsibility. In the event of a major illness/ major surgery that would have to come out of the regular household income.

I would never consider bringing a pet into our home until my husband has his old job back which would bring relief to our situation. Having a pet under those circumstances would not be irresponsible. Obviously no one would want to get a pet without having the funds to care for that pet. However, there is never enough money to afford every pet issue that may arise. Vet bills can easily go from a few thousand to a hundred thousand. I had a friend who nursed their pet back from the brink and by the time she was done a year later it was upwards of 70,000. Clearly that is out of the question for most with the exception of those who have considerable wealth. If I followed the logic that I never should own a pet unless I could pay for every possible illness and injury that may befall said pet, well...I'd never own a pet. Heck if I followed that kind of logic I'd have never had kids, they cost way more then pets.

I think it's entirely possible that he underestimated my intense desire/need for another dog and thought that I'd never have enough saved. I'm guessing the total in my bank statement snapped him into reality that I am dead serious about making this addition to our household. Add that to the fact that I was browsing the SPCA website earlier, as to make a donation, and made a comment about this handsome pup they had a picture of and he had some kind of mental break down over it all.

One of the things about marriage that's been the hardest for me is bending to someone elses will. I've always done what I wanted, when I wanted. It's not easy making choices that we both can agree upon. I'm fighting the urge to veto the next big thing he wants. That is certainly not a marriage building statement there.