I need help on how to deal with a friend.

**AnW819** · 03-23-2010, 04:17 PM

I have this friend, G. When I lived in PA we use to be best friends. Hung out ALL the time. Had a great time, but G is a bit immuture. But thats okay, because I can be sometimes to.

I moved out of state and while I was gone G and I stopped talking for a while because we got in a fight. We made up a few months later and she got 2 new 'best friends'. Which is no big deal to me.

Now I moved back, closer and she just drives me nuts anymore. Everytime I talk to her all I feel like she wants me to do is listen about her problems, she never calls just to see how I am doing. On facebook she always posts how great her 2 best friends S, and B are and not that is makes me jelous but it bothers me.

Here is the issue...I have issues with talking on the phone. I hate it. Expecially with her because of the above. Everytime she wants to talk to me she sends me a message on facebook saying "call me asap", then she will text us and say the same, and call my house and leave a message. Its never anything important. She just wants to chat. She does it all the time. Not so much latley in the past month because I got new phone numbers and have been ignoring her but I feel bad because I really like her as a friend.

She is not gonna understand any of this at all because she is just over bearing like that.

Last night I talked to her on facebook for like 5 minutes and I got how depressed she is and how manic she is and blah blah blah. I have known this girl for so long....shes got it good!!! And I understand with some people its a mental issue but with her, it really is just wanting attention. She thinks that not having money for cigarettes is reason to be depressed.

DH can't stand her. At all. She drives him nuts, and drives me nuts to.

Well anyway, after talking to her yesterday I told her I would text her my cell number today. I had an interview this morning so did not do it til a few minutes ago. I got 2 messages on facebook today that said "call me please, and don't forget to text me". Ugh!!!! Just drives me nuts!!!!!! I feel like I HAVE to call her and I don't want to!!!

What am I suppose to do about this? Am I just being rediculas?

**Michelle** · 03-23-2010, 04:29 PM

I would just tell her straight up that what she is doing is bothering you. If she doesn't stop, then I'd start ignoring her (and call her at your convenience), and then if *that* doesn't work, I would just sever ties. Life is too short for that nonsense.

**jas** · 03-23-2010, 04:39 PM

I feel for you girl. I am the last person to give advise about friends. This past year my bff for over 24 years booted me to the curb. There is a thread on it. One died very good friend for about 22 years. And one who like the friend you mentioned is very needy I had to finally sever all ties with.

All this and I had just come out of a year of sever anxiety attacks. The needy friend heck if I didn't answer the phone she would come up with in her mind all these reasons why I didn't answer. I could go on and on. I don't like drama so I just finally said you know what I can't deal with this anymore you have got to go!

For me since I don't like the drama it is easy for me not to call, text, e-mail someone like that. I know for others it may be harder and not so cut and dry.

I do miss my former bff and did try to break the ice. There was not any movement from her so I have to move on. The longer it has been (8 months now) that the friendship has ended It could not have been as solid as I thought. It sure did not survive this bump.

If you really don't want it to be a one sided friendship move on.
Sometimes friendships wind down and change or they take too much work to keep alive and thriving.

Sorry to ramble, hope it works out for you however you deicde.

**ktsmama** · 03-23-2010, 04:56 PM

My phone, email, text, etc. is for my convenience and not anyone else.

She sounds a little toxic.

**AnW819** · 03-23-2010, 05:02 PM

You are all very correct. Needy and toxic is the best way to explain her!

**krbshappy71** · 03-23-2010, 05:09 PM

Doesn't sound to me like either of you is being a good friend to the other. Let it go....it will be a relief. People change, situations change, its ok to move on if you've lost what you had and don't want what is left.

I've been dropped, phased out, I've dropped and phased out others, I think its ok as long as both people are mature and let it happen. A true friendship that should be held onto wont lead you to feel this way.

2 cents.

**leighcat** · 03-23-2010, 06:30 PM

I had a friend like that. It was like she thought we were dating or something. She would get mad if I didn't call her back right away and would keep calling me until I answered. Then she would ask what I had been doing at the time that I didn't call her. She would ask REALLY personal questions and tell me personal things about herself. I didn't trust her, and that is why I didn't like to tell her certain things. I still regret sharing some info with her. Sometimes I miss her because we had fun together, but she was really snooty and caused problems at work(which is where we met).
Not many people at work liked her. If there was no drama, she would make some. Finally I ended the friendship. She was saying nasty comments about people who are poor and I told her off and ended the friendship. I hate judgemental drama queens who think they are rich because their daddy gives them everything they have. Anyway, I ended my friendship and I suggest you consider the same. You could try to give her some boundaries but that might make things worse. Good luck!

The awkward thing for me is our kids go to the same school. So, even though she quit working at our job, I run into her at school functions. I said hello just to be nice at a Christmas party for the kids and she just got all snooty and turned her nose up and made a nasty sound.

**qcrazy** · 03-23-2010, 06:35 PM

Well I have had a lot of friends in life but only when I am single, I am very out going person when im single, but when I settle down witch has happened twice in my 28 years Ive lost all but one friend (does anybody else do this?) and she is not any good for me, my husband hates her, but she is all I have left so I keep her witch is kinda selfish.

If I have a problem she comes at me with hers, I know lots of ppl do this but she is on a whole new level. If I broke my leg she would be like dang I broke mine back blah blah blah~

She smokes drinks a little never has a dime to her name on all the asstance she can get, has the worst boyfriends, they can treat or do what they want she will stay till they leave her and they will because she is lazy in more than the normal way, her new addicted to everything but coke boyfriend goes to work and comes home (not on the lease or her section 8)to a nasty dog pee poop house cooks and cleans a lil. He is getting a free ride (rent free) is one of the only reasons he is with her I think. He makes her hide in her bedroom(she is over weight) if anyone he knows comes over, they tell them she has a headache, he wont take her anywhere he takes her food stamp card to get grocery's.

Here last boyfriend brought his baby-mama to stay with them when she lost her house! He married her(the baby-mama) days later and she still let them stay in her house.

She used to be so normal and this last year and a half she just feel apart. I dont know how I can still be friends with someone like this really I think it makes me look bad, Like it says something about me, but we have been friends 11 years and she was not like this. weak willed yes but not like this.

Im such a strong person I wear the proverbial pants at my house so I really don't under stand how she can go on the way she does. After writing this I feel disgusted at her and myself.

I can make new friends in fact I have but its kinda like dating and I am so darn picky, I honestly and better friends with guys, and my husbands not going for that and I don't blame him.. lol

Sorry so long! Plz Tell me what u think?

**Natalie's Nesters** · 03-23-2010, 06:37 PM

I agree, let this one go.... It sounds like she is not a friend, friends truly care about you. Life is too short to put up with this. I would not answer her, if you do, it's days later. Slowly phase her out, sounds like she might get psycho if you just drop her.

I wish you all the luck in the world with this!

**krbshappy71** · 03-23-2010, 06:52 PM

Originally Posted by qcrazy

Well I have had a lot of friends in life but only when I am single, I am very out going person when im single, but when I settle down witch has happened twice in my 28 years Ive lost all but one friend (does anybody else do this?) and she is not any good for me, my husband hates her, but she is all I have left so I keep her witch is kinda selfish.

If I have a problem she comes at me with hers, I know lots of ppl do this but she is on a whole new level. If I broke my leg she would be like dang I broke mine back blah blah blah~

She smokes drinks a little never has a dime to her name on all the asstance she can get, has the worst boyfriends, they can treat or do what they want she will stay till they leave her and they will because she is lazy in more than the normal way, her new addicted to everything but coke boyfriend goes to work and comes home (not on the lease or her section 8)to a nasty dog pee poop house cooks and cleans a lil. He is getting a free ride (rent free) is one of the only reasons he is with her I think. He makes her hide in her bedroom(she is over weight) if anyone he knows comes over, they tell them she has a headache, he wont take her anywhere he takes her food stamp card to get grocery's.

Here last boyfriend brought his baby-mama to stay with them when she lost her house! He married her(the baby-mama) days later and she still let them stay in her house.

She used to be so normal and this last year and a half she just feel apart. I dont know how I can still be friends with someone like this really I think it makes me look bad, Like it says something about me, but we have been friends 11 years and she was not like this. weak willed yes but not like this.

Im such a strong person I wear the proverbial pants at my house so I really don't under stand how she can go on the way she does. After writing this I feel disgusted at her and myself.

I can make new friends in fact I have but its kinda like dating and I am so darn picky, I honestly and better friends with guys, and my husbands not going for that and I don't blame him.. lol

Sorry so long! Plz Tell me what u think?

If you can keep out of the drama and still enjoy being her friend then I would keep her. Friends are there for each other, but I also believe that friends don't take advantage of each other and always use them as a dumping ground. If you enjoy seeing her and she seems to enjoy seeing you, then by all means enjoy the friendship regardless of who she's chosen to shack up with. If you don't like to see the house in that condition and its obvious nothing is going to change, offer to see her outside of the house, say, for coffee instead.

Just from what you've mentioned in your post I'd assume she's undergoing some depression and low self-esteem. You can suggest counseling for her, suggest she see a doctor for the depression, etc. but she is the one that has to take that step.

Now I'm up to 4 cents. *grin* sorry I am always interested in people and dynamics and friendships, etc.

**cottageliving** · 03-23-2010, 07:02 PM

I agree with what the other posters have written. It seems that there is very little friendship to try to hold on to. It is ok that you are both following different paths as the years go by -- that is natural. You are married, have moved away, moved back. These experiences have moved you along life's path, and that is good. It sounds like you really do not want to continue the friendship since you no longer have much in common but are afraid to make the break. It's ok. Make the break. No need to say anything hurtful to her, just step back. Call her back a few days after she calls you, etc. Let her know that you think of her, but have such a busy life with your husband, house/apt, job search, etc. It will drive you crazy for a while because she will txt, call, and post on Facebook like crazy, but you just have to let it all go. People change, and we cannot always remain friends with our childhood friends.... we grow apart.

Good luck, and hang in there.

**stinkbug** · 03-23-2010, 07:05 PM

I don't understand why you consider this person a friend.....doesn't sound like you like anything about her? She sounds more like a bad habit you need to break.

**Contrary Housewife** · 03-23-2010, 07:50 PM

If you really do want to keep this friend, but not have her as an emotional vampire, you can do a few things to distance yourself and put the relationship on your terms.

Stop responding to her texts and phone calls. You don't spend every minute watching facebook for messages, reading email or waiting for the phone to ring. Start by not talking to her more than once a day. Sorry, you were busy and didn't get to check for messages. You were at work. You left your phone in the other room, or at home by accident. You only check email in the evenings. You get the idea. You are not her pet poodle to run when she calls.

When you text or email, do not mention her problems. Talk about you, what you did that you want to share. When you talk on the phone if she starts moaning and crying 'poor pitiful me' don't respond with anything more than "uh huh". In short, don't feed her like a hungry guest at a pity party. And keep the text or the call short. Especially if she is whining a lot. You need to stay in control of the conversation. Break it off politely.

Pretty soon she will figure out that you aren't going to be there when she wants to complain and she will either stop bothering you, or come up with something more interesting to talk about than her problems.

**frugalfranny** · 03-23-2010, 08:11 PM

Maya Angelou said this and it keeps getting repeated on Oprah.....but I love it......

"When someone shows you who they are ----believe them!"

and ....this is one thing that I have always used and it can apply in many areas: "Is this what I think I deserve?" If the answer comes up 'no'.......then what are you going to do about it???

**Greebo** · 03-23-2010, 10:27 PM

Ashley, ask yourself - what do you think you get from having this person in your life, and what does she get from having you in her life?

If you both are getting respect, support, shared interests, and thus mutual benefit, wonderful.

If one of you is getting those things, and the other is not, then it's a one sided relationship. If you're the receiver, it's not fair to her. If she's the receiver, it's not fair to you.

In either case, it isn't fair - one of you is taking from the other and giving nothing back. No matter which position you're in, giver or taker, allowing the unbalanced relationship to continue is wrong.

It's wrong if you're the taker because you're taking something for nothing.

It's wrong if you're the giver not because you're rewarding their behavior (although you are), but because you're throwing away your own sense of self worth for their benefit.

You in this case are the giver - and the more you give this person while getting nothing in like kind in return, the more you harm yourself and your own sense of self worth.

You deserve people who are better than that in your life. Cut her loose.