My daughter~~a vent

**lovestoread** · 04-01-2010, 08:39 AM

I just need to talk about our situation to make myself feel better...My 18 year old senior daughter and long time boyfriend broke up earlier in the year and that was a good thing...now it is prom time, and my daughter who is very shy, cannot find a date..she has been sortof seeing a really nice guy, but he is a sophmore in college and doesn't want to go..she has the dress, and all of her guy friends have dates...she won't go with a group of girls...she has Very few friends, we have always had trouble with the shyness issue...in other ways she is very strong willed and outgoing with those that are close to her..The problem is (and I know there are other problems that we could be having that are worse) she has depression problems and 2 years ago when her and her longtime boyfriend broke up she attempted suicide...thankfully it wasn't harmful to her (she took about 20 ibuprofen) and thank God..it wasn't more than that...now everytime something like this happens I am scared to death that she will try it again...I knnow to some this is NOT a big deal, but it is to me...I don't even care about the money for the dress...i just want to fix it for her ...I guess all I am asking if for some thoughts and prayers for her...she is a great girl...she has worked in the alzheimers' unit at a nursing home since she was 15..she is wonderful and caring with her patients and has a big heart..always wanting to do things for the patients who have no family...thanks for listening...

**ilovechocolate** · 04-01-2010, 08:55 AM

Is she close to anyone who could persuade her to go with a group? I know at DS's prom there were kids who went in groups, girls with girls, girls with dad/brother, etc. The point was to go and have fun, not necessarily to have a "date."

She sounds like a neat kid. Let us know what happens.

**Missourimom** · 04-01-2010, 09:08 AM

I understand your feelings and I feel your pain, but you know, the truth is, you can't fix it.

I'm sending prayers.

**ncarr** · 04-01-2010, 09:46 AM

poor thing. I totally understand what she is going through. The same thing happened to me. Long time bf broke up with me two months before prom and everyone already had a date. I ended up going with a guy friend who had a crush on my best friend. She had already agreed to go with another guy as friends so this allowed my date to be around her at prom w/o her breaking her promise to her date.

is there someone in a lower grade that might want to go? I know a lot of juniors went to prom as dates when I was in school. Or maybe someone from another school?

I hope she finds a way to go

it would be such a shame to miss it. When my younger sister went to prom she didn't have a date so I went with her as her date (I was in college). We took pictures together and everything and had a blast.

**druthb00** · 04-01-2010, 09:57 AM

I don't think anyone here would say it's 'not a big deal' to be worrying that you daughter may attempt suicide (again.) Depression isn't something that will just go away on it's own, it's a chemical imbalance that needs medication. I've been down this road with BF, he had anxiety and panic attacks to the point it was causing depression and suicidal thoughts. He's been on meds for almost a year now and the difference is just amazing. He's back to the same person I met 7 years ago.

A month ago my friend's son committed suicide. He was only 18 and didn't show any signs of being depressed. The teachers didn't see it coming, his parents and younger siblings didn't see it coming. I guess that's probably the reason this struck a chord with me. They were the family that something like that just doesn't happen to, and it did. Please please please do everything you can to make sure it doesn't happen to your family

As far as the prom situation goes, I don't have any advice. I didn't go to my senior prom because it did not mean much to me. I hope she figures out a way to go to hers, though.

**craftypam** · 04-01-2010, 09:59 AM

This is and should be a big deal to you. Around here a group of girls get together all of the time and go to big dances together. As a matter of fact most of the boys don't like to dance anyway and the girls wind up dancing together. Good luck; I hope you find a solution for your dd. And anyone at her age who takes care of seniors is a wonderful young person (didn't want to call her kid)!!!!

**ml2620** · 04-01-2010, 10:04 AM

Lovestoread, is this a big deal to you, or to her? Prom was never something I cared about in highschool, but it was very important to my mom that I go, so I went and it was ok, but not the be all end all.

The college bf couldn't be prodded to go? Someone from the nursing home (staff, unless one of the clients is a good dancer!) I understand she doesn't want to go dateless and run into the ex BF.

If you say money isn't the issue, what about skipping prom for a girls weekend with you in the city? A hotel with pool, nice dinner, window shopping or nails done could be just as memorable.

Why prom is a big deal is something in never really GOT.

**KathleenCG** · 04-01-2010, 10:26 AM

I don't really have any answers about the prom issue, but I believe the bigger issue here is your daughter's depression. Has she been in any kind of counseling or therapy? Is she taking any medication? The research indicates that depression usually responds best to a treatment of combined therapy and medication. I know you are concerned, and I hope her depression issue is addressed. She sounds like a sensitive, caring young lady. All the best to you both.

**2ndGenGranola** · 04-01-2010, 10:32 AM

Originally Posted by ml2620

Why prom is a big deal is something in never really GOT.

I agree with you 100% there.

I also agree that the safety of the daughter IS a big deal.

If it is the prom that SHE has her heart set on, she needs to be convinced to go with a group of her friends. Of all the hs girls I know around here, I can only name 1 who went with a date. All the others went with a group of girls.

Now, if going out with the guy is more important to her than the prom, maybe he can take her somewhere special.

I do tend to kind of get the feeling that she may want to go to the prom with a date just to flaunt it in front of the ex. Either going or staying home would have its negative issues. Maybe she isn't over the ex?

**frugalfoster** · 04-01-2010, 10:45 AM

First off I feel for ya... second...don't take this wrong but you can't fix this for her..and if you try and fix everything for her you'll end up having a daughter with little or no coping skills. I know because I am that mom that tried to make a perfect life for their child...it backfires!!! Let her figure this out....

**Nada.Leona** · 04-01-2010, 10:50 AM

I never understood why prom was always a big deal. I went to two of them and really, they were just big fancy dances. I didn't spend a dime on either dress, and I barely remember that night (and not because I was drinking or anything).

I agree with what everyone else is saying. It is a big deal for the both of you, yes, but no, you can't fix it for her. Take it from someone whose parents DID try to fix everything -- it took me a long time to develop certain social skills and abilities that I should have learned on my own. Let her be. Be there to back her up and cry on her shoulder, but let her be.

**Debbie-cat** · 04-01-2010, 10:56 AM

How did she act after the first suicide attempt? That will be a big indicator to if she is going to try it again. I feel for you as my son struggles with shyness as well. I hope all goes well, keep us informed and I will be sending good thoughts and prayers her way. ((hugs))

**lovestoread** · 04-01-2010, 11:38 AM

Thanks, everyone for your responses...I don't care if she goes at all..she has been before but she really wants to go...she really has only her best friend going, 3 of the other friends are not going at all. As far as the ex he is away at college, so that has no bearing. She did pretty well after her original episode..she is on medication, we have tried her on a few and she has seemed really good lately...it is just a fear i have that every time something drastic happens she will do it again. She has not indicated this in any way, it is just me, worrying...i really just wish she would forget it and go on., but it is her decision....so we will see...she just called and said the ex told her he would go, but i really dont want to see that happen...

anyway, I do appreciate all of your comments, I just am paranoid....I would feel so guilty if she did something again...

**Greebo** · 04-01-2010, 11:54 AM

Do you know why it is so important to her to go?

**lovestoread** · 04-01-2010, 12:04 PM

Not really...she has been before, I suppose (just guessing here) she thinks this will be the last time to go, the dressing up, etc...in my mind it was that the anticipation of prom was better than what the prom really turned out to be!!! She is very private and very stubborn, and i told her this seems like a big deal now, but in just a few months down the road...it will not be a big deal to her.