Ggggrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

[rosey7415]

okey, so my mother is coming to live with me. most of you must have read my other post. i'm very happy, ma is very happy.....all is well.

we are putting an addition on my house for my mother to have a room. i live in a small ranch which is a 2 bedroom. since it was just my dh and me we had made the small 10x10 bedroom into a den/excess food stockpile stuff, junk room. so with ma coming we need space. we had 2 quotes already and the first one was soooo high it almost made me cry and there is just no way we could have afforded it. the second quote is in the ballpark. the guy is going to work with us on getting it to be what we want to pay. we are trying to knock off 10,000. so dh and i are going to paint, put in the insulation, do the yardwork, anything we can do, etc. my brother in law is an electrician. we asked him if he could help us out( for ma's sake as well as ours). we would still pay him but hoping for a better price. he basically turned us down. he is so busy, he has to put new windows in his apartment house this summer....blah, blah,blah.... i will totally be responsible for my mother which he is very happy about because it will free up his wife as she doesn't have to check up on ma, take her for groceries, etc. now my sister, brother and i have been the 3 taking care of ma, calling or seeing her everyday, mowing the lawn, taking care of the house, etc. all the things that goes with being a homeowner. when my mother sells her house she will be splitting the money between all the kids. he will get a little lump sum. i am just flabbergasted about this. am i expecting too much?? my dh is pissed but he and i will not beg for anything. it was hard for us to ask as we never ask for any help with anything........am i wrong to feel this way????

[savvy_sniper]

How about mom gives your a larger portion from the sale of her house for the money you are out to add on to your house? Sounds fair to me.

[Libby]

I'd send out an email now or call a family meeting between the three of you. Even though she is living with you they are still expected to still call, come and visit and essentially help out as needed. They are still her children. You are not her full time care giver/attendant nor you expected to be.

If your mother wishes to divvy up the profits from selling her home into 3rds for all her children then so be it, it is her decision. You have to respect her wishes. (Unless it was influenced by the other two siblings?)

If you're comfortable with it, maybe suggest or ask your mom for a lil help financially towards the addition - ie her take out some money from the sale of her home then split the remainder 3 ways? Wouldn't she want to keep the $ for herself to spend, travel etc? Just curious.

I'm not in your shoes but I can definitely relate to your situation. Speak now or forever hold your peace and kill yourself slowly from the inside out.

Sorry that your bro's being a dink about this arrangement. I hope he's not expecting a free ride.

[frugalwarrior2]

This same thing happened to us. DH was in the hosp. and I desperately needed a drywaller (which my DBIL is). He agreed to do it. Then sheepishly backed out because my DH's sister made him.,stating they were too busy. It's her brother. Relatives are often people you wouldn't associated w/ otherwise.

[leighcat]

How about mom gives your a larger portion from the sale of her house for the money you are out to add on to your house? Sounds fair to me.

This is what I would suggest also.

[daughter of pearl]

I'd be pretty angry about that! You definitely need a family conference, as others have suggested. I'd put all the tasks, both short-term (reno-related) and longer term (daily, weekly chores) on the table and divvy them up between yourselves and your siblings.

Good luck!

[mauimagic]

Lots of good advice - choose to do what you are comfortable with. Whatever you decide with your mother, siblings and all, please get it in writing!! It's amazing how poor memories can be!!

[frugalfoster]

Lots of good advice - choose to do what you are comfortable with. Whatever you decide with your mother, siblings and all, please get it in writing!! It's amazing how poor memories can be!!

This is probably your best advice. I once had a client who took in his father (who had alzheimers) to live with him. They moved into the father's house and put their own on the market to be split between my client and his two siblings. After his dad died...the two who were not involved with taking care of their father then took the Brother who did...to court!!! It was ugly and nasty....Yeah get it in writing for sure!!!

[pinecone]

I say she needs to keep her money from the sale.
1. If she becomes incapacitated, she will need to pay for a nursing home and there is a 5 year look-back period before she qualifies for Medicaid. If she runs out of money before then and she gave money away, people might have to chip in toward her care. I know laws change and I am remembering from 3 years ago when we took care of DMIL-Alz. for 7 years.
2. I forget the exact amount but she can only give away 12K(or so) or so tax free per year per person.

Yep, it is your Mom's $ to do with as she wants.

Good luck and don't split the family up over this. Hugs,

piney

[militlady]

Just curious, how old is your mom and how is her health?

Since you are getting the added benefit of the increased value in your house, you should be paying for the addition. That being said, your regular expenses are going to increase such as food, electricity, water and your mother should help with these expenses. In my opinion, all the money she makes from the sale of her house should go into some type of trust so if, like some of the others mentioined, and your mother does need to be moved to a nursing home type facility then she has the money to do that.

[Dutchie]

Lots of good advice - choose to do what you are comfortable with. Whatever you decide with your mother, siblings and all, please get it in writing!! It's amazing how poor memories can be!!

OMG YES, PLEASE GET EVERYTHING IN WRITING!!!

Something happened to my parents many years ago (about 42 years ago now).
My grandparents had opened a restaurant and gradually all of their children started to work in it. In the course of many years my father and his three sisters continued to work in the restaurant.

Two of the sisters stopped working and said that they didn't want to work any more but concentrate on their families. My father bought them out (nothing was put down on paper - no idea why).
My father and mother worked all hours of the day and night and further built up the restaurant to a VERY profitable enterprise in the next few years.

Then both the third sister and my grandmother died (my grandfather had died a while before).
My father assumed that he would get it all since he had been left the third sister's part and he had bought out the other two some years before.

However because my grandmother hadn't left a will, the remaining 2 sisters demanded their part of the inheritance (that is, their 'share' of the restaurant) saying that they had a right to do so. The fact that my father had bought them out and had been SOOOOO naive not to get it in writing was of no importance.

Because of the Scottish legal system, they each got their third and my father was livid and almost never spoke to them again.
The two sisters have since died and my father is now 82 - he never forgave them.

Memories are very short when it comes to money and families.

Sorry to hijack the thread but I wanted to give you an example of what can happen.
(((HUGS))))

[shoiji]

I can understand you being disappointed that your brother-in-law will not be able to help out. But your brother-in-law has a right to say no. Also, it sounds like it could have been more of a difficult situation if your brother-in-law said yes and then took way to long to finish.

I would get everything in writing with how your mothers money will be divided. Also let family know that your mother will still need the benefit of having her family visit, call, take her out, etc.

[bumplett]

I agree with milit. If it's an addition onto your house, it increases the value, therefore, you should be responsible for the cost.

I also agree with shoiji, your bil has to put his immediate family first (his wife/children), and while I may be dissappointed, I wouldn't be angry with him - He has every right to say no, and he may even have a valid reason -

Look at the positives; you found a contractor that would allow you to do some of the work yourselves (there are many contractors that don't allow this) - so any portion that you can knock off the bill by doing it yourself, the better! Great Job!

Also, I would think that the $ from the sell of your mother's home should go into an account in your mother's name - She will continue to have expenses, including medical, maybe even nursing care costs, etc.

If you are a primary care giver, you can always have her add you to her account so you can pay her bills out of her acct. I've been on my parent's acct for a few years now, as a just in case measure.

good luck with everything! I hope it works out really well!

[Imarachne]

Unfortunately it seems that sometimes family members are the most unfair about this sort of thing. In my family, my Dad wanted my Grandma to get all of the estate (Grandpa died without a will ) until her death and then divide what was left. But Grandma and my aunt (who she lived with ) wanted it divided and the result--Grandma gave her share away , my aunt splurged hers and my Dad was left with the burial expenses for Grandma in the end.

[Nada.Leona]

Some people just live in their own little "all about me" world and don't think beyond it. I have two of those types at my workplace. It's sad but true.