Helping friends in need vs. being taken advantage of

[Ocean_Beach_Dweller]

So I earn a good income, and have low expenses. I created a budget and was excited to realize i'd have almost $1000 a month left over, and I was planning on using it to attack my student loans, since that is my only debt.

It was a few months ago that my hours increased and i'd have that extra money, but I noticed that I didn't have extra money, in fact I was almost doing worse than before I had the extra money. I'd find I only have 10 dollars left in my account before pay day(today there's only $14 in my account) I'm bleeding money.

So I did some investigating and realized i've been buying things for family and friends and not counting them in my budget. Most of my friends(except for 1) are unemployed. My only other friend who is employed set a precedent I think, by buying meals, event tickets etc for the unemployed friends and then telling them not to worry about paying her back. So now I noticed they aren't paying me back either and I'm uncomfortable asking them for it because they know how much I make and I feel like a miser asking unemployed people for the $10 they owe me, but this happens several times a month and it really adds up! And the thing is, my friends aren't these terrible people trying to suck me dry, I've been friends with them for 10 years now, and when I was in the same boat as them financially, they always paid me back promptly. Also I should clarify, they aren't asking me to buy them things, it's more we all agree we want to go to a concert, so i'll front the money for the tickets, but then it takes them months to pay me back or they never do. I think it's partially my fault too for acting like getting paid back wasn't a big deal, and i did treat them sometimes. I also spend a lot on my parents, because they are in a lot of debt and so I feel the need to help them because I know they've spent a lot on me over the years.

So I guess this is a long way of asking what a polite way to approach this with my friends is? Like I said, i've been friends with them a long time, and this never was an issue until I started making more. I don't want to come off as cheap, but it's not like they need money for life-saving surgery, it's for restaurant tabs and concert tickets. My only idea, to save face, was to act as though there was some sort of "financial emergency" and I needed to collect all the money that was owed to me from them to pay for it, and then start with a clean slate and be more cautious about fronting money for things. A more honest approach might be better though.

Sorry this stretched on and on, that $14 in my bank account really upset me tonight though, and the fact that my savings has gone down! Ugh I really need to shape up!

[frugalfranny]

I'm bleeding money.

So I did some investigating and realized i've been buying things for family and friends and not counting them in my budget.

I think it's partially my fault too for acting like getting paid back wasn't a big deal, and i did treat them sometimes. I also spend a lot on my parents, because they are in a lot of debt and so I feel the need to help them because I know they've spent a lot on me over the years.

and then start with a clean slate and be more cautious about fronting money for things. A more honest approach might be better though.

and the fact that my savings has gone down! Ugh I really need to shape up!

I left in what I think you already know.

If your friends can't afford to go to the concerts, they shouldn't be going. Can you find other/cheaper things to do until they find jobs?
Or let everyone know that you will be willing to pay for yourself but can't pay for the others, the next time it comes up to buy tickets to something.

Are your parents in debt due to medical or something serious or due to their own money management skills......or lack thereof? So.....are you 'saving them'.........or enabling them?

This will be interesting to follow.......but yes, you need to do something!

[Libby]

I've been in your position too - I've chalked it up to this: Karma is watching and your random acts of kindness now are going to come back to you two fold.

Going forward though, when a group event type deal comes up...mention that you've recently noticed that your budget has been off the last few times you checked it and as a result you now have to tighten your purse strings. Hopefully this will prompt them to offer to pay you back...as to when, thats for you to determine.

Good on yas for finding your financial leak!

[ml2620]

I think for the sake of friendship you might have to write off the money your friends owe you as an expensive lesson. I learned this the hard way in college. My roomates never paid me back and I became resentful. It soured the relationship and it never really recovered. Just let the money go if the friendships are most valuable to you.

Going forward, whenever possible, suggest free or really low-budget activities, like inviting friends over to hang out instead of going to a bar, playing ball at the park,etc.

Don't front any more money and if they ask, tell them you are helping out your parents and don't have the cash flow you used to have.

[Siebrie]

Maybe next time you go to an event you buy the tickets for, let everyone send you the money first, and then you'll do the legwork/internetbooking. No money = no ticket.

[2ndGenGranola]

If your friends don't have the money for whatever luxury, they shouldn't be partaking in it and you should not be buying it expecting payment. Either find less expensive things to do together or find friends that can pay to do the luxuries you want to do.

[mek42]

Are you suggesting the activities that you are fronting or are they? If it is you, then I agree with the other folks who've said to suggest lower cost alternatives unless you want to continue fronting things.

If it is them, ask how the activity is going to be financed. Be ready to work with them to suggest lower cost alternatives - do a potluck gaming night at someones house instead of going for dinner and a movie, something like that.

If there is an activity that your group of freinds really wants to do, but some can't / shouldn't afford, would it work to let your friends mow your lawn, etc. in exchange for you (or whoever else in your group has cash) gifting the cost?

[Darlene]

The bank of Ocean Beach Dweller is officially closed. I'd write off the money you've spent and start your new money policy today. I'd be honest with them and say that you have done the best you can to help them out but your own finances are suffering because of it. Unless they are just leeches they should realize you have gone above and beyond for them & they have taken advantage. If they aren't friendly when you don't pony up $$ then they really aren't friends you need to keep.
It's past time for them to learn to do without or find a way to finance the lifestyle they've grown accustomed to, on their own.
Good luck & don't feel bad. Sometimes being a true friend is showing some tough love to those you care about.

[Greebo]

Forget the money you already shelled out. It's gone. Call it stupid tax.

Stop paying for things your friends can't afford with money you can't afford to spend. Especially luxuries.

[frugalgram]

You've already gotten a lot of good advice. My first thought is not to advertise that you're making a good amount of money and that your expenses are low. My dh has worked a lot of overtime this year and I don't mention that fact to many people. So many people we know are either unemployed or underemployed and they wouldn't understand why we track our expenses and try to manage on as little as possible. We have been putting the extra money toward an emergency fund and toward dental expenses we know we need that are only half covered by insurance.
With so many fun things to do that are free or cheap, we still get together and have a good time we all can afford. Could you go to free concerts, parks, art exhibits in your community?

[Ocean_Beach_Dweller]

Thanks for all the great advice!

I agree that it would have been easier if I didn't say anything about the raise and extra hours, but they asked me how much I was making now, and I really didn't think it would become an issue because we've always shared that information with each other. My coworkers knew about the increases(we're in HR so they had to process the changes) and i lied to them and said I was helping my parents, because otherwise they'd expect me to go out to lunch with them more or even pay for lunch sometimes.

Most of the activities we do are free, but there's usually 1-2 a month that aren't and thats where I get into trouble. Even with free activities though I have a habit of making them not free, for example my friends were going to come over for breakfast and then we were going to a free parade. Instead of just getting a carton of eggs and some orange juice, or having everyone bring something, I bought a ridiculous amount of groceries. So I'm going to take the advice of everyone, and explain to them that I can't finance these activities anymore, but I also realize I have some bad spending habits to work on myself too.

It's funny because after i posted this, one of my friends texted me and said "I owe you some money, i'll give it to you this weekend" And she's the worst off financially of the whole group!

As for my parents, they are on the DR plan and have been doing really well on it. I'm not helping them with any expenses, I just take my mom out to dinner sometimes or give her a gift card because they don't spend money on anything extra at all(which is good). I know I shouldn't be doing this either, but I know they spent a lot on me over the years so i'm trying to give a little back. They would be horrified if they knew i was spending so much on them and my friends instead of paying back debt though, so I guess I should stop treating them too, or at least cut it back a little.

Thanks again everyone, i'll let you know how it goes.

[nuisance26]

~My DH and I treat and lend to our friends and family but if comes from our pocket money. Do you have an amount of money set aside to spend on unspecified purchases?
You definitely need to keep better track of how much you're spending in those areas though so maybe try the envelope system for that category for a month or two. Consulting your envelope in front of them or mentioning your pocket money budget(not the amount, just that you have one)may be enough of a hint for them to carry their own money. You have to follow through though. If you mention on the 15th that you're almost out of pocket money for the month don't cave and plan a trip with them to dinner and a show.
You can still be generous with your loved ones, just put it in the budget and track it! Remember you have to pay yourself first. I don't know why your parents are in debt but not ending up where they are might be a good motivation for you.~

[mombottoo]

My rule of thumb is if I "invite" someone to do something with me the tab belongs to me...if I tell someone I am doing something and they want to go along then their expenses belong to them.

Just because people make less than you or are unemployed does not mean it's your responsibility to pick up the tab in the hopes that they'll pay you back some day down the road.

Stop being so generous, you don't need to be tight...but, if your generosity is breaking your bank you need to rethink what you are doing.

[frugal is fun]

I agree with the others. Don't expect to get the money back and I personally wouldn't go looking for it at this point.

And I would stop financing everyone else, don't offer and if they ask, say I'm sorry I just can't (end of story).

I personally don't think you need to explain your financial position to anyone but thats just me.

[frugalfriend]

Tell everyone that you have turned over a new leaf and are putting every extra dollar available to paying off your student loans and that you need to do free or cheap entertainment.