Need advice or insight, please

**forHISglory** · 06-13-2010, 10:48 PM

My sister's daughter is getting married next month. We like the young man and think he will make a great husband for her. But they are two different faiths: Catholic and Protestant. While this is not ideal, and could potentially cause a lot of problems, we are praying they they find a middle path for themselves. We can't stop the marriage, so we are trying to support them with a loving family relationship.

His side of the family, though, is behaving like stinkers over this issue. They are absolutely opposed to the wedding and will not come to a shower, and will not come to the wedding. (Not all the family, but a part of it). They have been writing nasty letters to both the young man and my niece, telling them that if the marriage occurs, then they are dead to the family and not welcomed in their homes. And there are worse things in the letters.....

It's breaking my heart that they have to deal with this. We are normally gentle people who don't cause trouble or mouth off. But I am tempted!!! Any advice on what to do, if anything?

**krbshappy71** · 06-13-2010, 11:00 PM

Originally Posted by forHISglory

My sister's daughter is getting married next month. We like the young man and think he will make a great husband for her. But they are two different faiths: Catholic and Protestant. While this is not ideal, and could potentially cause a lot of problems, we are praying they they find a middle path for themselves. We can't stop the marriage, so we are trying to support them with a loving family relationship.

His side of the family, though, is behaving like stinkers over this issue. They are absolutely opposed to the wedding and will not come to a shower, and will not come to the wedding. (Not all the family, but a part of it). They have been writing nasty letters to both the young man and my niece, telling them that if the marriage occurs, then they are dead to the family and not welcomed in their homes. And there are worse things in the letters.....

It's breaking my heart that they have to deal with this. We are normally gentle people who don't cause trouble or mouth off. But I am tempted!!! Any advice on what to do, if anything?

Let go. Let God. They will find a way. I haven't read it yet, but I have heard the book "Boundaries" is highly recommended. Perhaps you could purchase it for the couple to help them set healthy boundaries with their families as they go through this. I'm saddened the family members are taking such measures but in the end it is the couple that will have to choose their life together and what that looks like.

Hugs to you and I'm sure others will have advice as well.

**daughter of pearl** · 06-13-2010, 11:03 PM

I spent some of my growing up years in Belfast, my mother's family is Protestant and my father's family is (and I was raised) Catholic, so I consider myself a bit of an expert on this. Lol!

You are doing exactly the right thing. I know how tempting it is to take part in the argument, especially when it is so personal and close to our heart, but I beg you not to give it space or feed this conflict.

For you neice's sake, and for your own.

This kind of arugment has no winners, take it from me!

**Missourimom** · 06-13-2010, 11:13 PM

I think it's sad when people behave like this. So what if one is Catholic and the other isn't. Good grief! Many people have worked differences out like this in their marriages. People should just stay out of it and leave it in God's hands.....He'll take care of it.

**Saule** · 06-13-2010, 11:32 PM

There are many, many examples of successful Catholic/Protestant marriages. President Herbert Hoover was a Quaker, his wife was Catholic, Ill. Senator Paul Simon was a Lutheran, his wife was Catholic (he also wrote a book about interfaith marriages). It is not always easy, but presumably the couple will go through pre-Cana or other premarital counseling that will examine this aspect of their future life in some detail. I agree that you are doing the right thing by supporting them, and hopefully his family will come to their senses. My own father said something similar when we were growing up (not quite that brutal), and as he grew older, his thinking changed, and we had no family disasters in this respect.

**mauimagic** · 06-14-2010, 12:52 AM

You cannot change other people.

Keep supporting this wonderful couple as they start their married life together - creating a strong base for the rest of their lives. Put your energy where it counts!!

**Palooka** · 06-14-2010, 01:01 AM

*sigh* why can't families be happy for two people that fall in love instead of control freaks. It's their own lives and they are the ones that have to live it. Divorce can happen for many reasons, besides different religious views. The rate is just as high with two people of the same faith.

Live and let live.

**pip** · 06-14-2010, 08:42 AM

I had thought that the differences between the two religions were shrinking! I remember my mom being against this type of marriage in the 1960's and 1970's ...
How sad for the young man and his family. It will be their loss! And, how good for your family if they can support and have a nice relationship with the couple!
People just can't control others, some people never learn that, though.

**mek42** · 06-14-2010, 09:22 AM

If I was the guy, it would be very, very hard for me not to say, "Who are you?" if / when the select family members forgot all about their animosity when new children arrived.

The young couple should, at some appropriate time, plan what their reaction will be if this happens. I'm not sure I'd want any children I might have exposed to the kind of people those select family members are, much less allow said family members to escape the consequences of their choices.

In my not so humble opinion, the young couple is probably better off if those select family member really do behave as if they'll all dead to each other. Sadly, what is likely to happen is that the select family members will just negatively needle and meddle with the poor couple instead of just leaving them alone like they're "threatening" to do now.

Hope all goes as well as it can.

**Jamielane** · 06-14-2010, 09:44 AM

My husband is catholic and I am a baptist. We ended up marrying in a nondenominatial chapel with a wonderful ceremony that was very spiritual . Later , and I mean even years later people comment on how nice my wedding was and how personal it felt. It was small , only about 80 people . DH's Grandparents were less then thrilled that I was not joining the church but dh has not practiced his religion actively since he was a child at home and went through communion and confirmation so it didnt mean a thing to him that I wasnt converting and it never even occured to me that he should become a baptist. We go to methodist church now that is very contempory and youth friendly. My kids LOVE it because the music is more like what they can relate to and the message is not usually hell fire and brimstone but powerful. I think as long as they enjoy it and get what they need to feed their soul in a healthy way then its ok with my husband and I. It seems to me in these days and times of multi racial/cultural/religious/social relationships this should not be such a make it or break thing. I hope the young couple are strong enough to stand together and make the choice to move forward and live their own life. They are being put in a horrible position.

**Greebo** · 06-14-2010, 10:06 AM

Catholic and Protestant are different faiths like Baltimore and Washington, DC are different geographical regions. They're close enough that it shouldn't matter.

Catholic or Protestant and Hindu, or Buddhist, or Taoist, or Satanist or even Atheist - now THAT would be different...

**Darlene** · 06-14-2010, 12:58 PM

What year is this & wth? In my opinion all anyone should be asking themselves is this person a good, kind, thoughtful, loving person? Is that a yes? Then what's the problem? All I want for those I love is someone to love and cherish them in return & that can happen with or without religion involved.
I'll never understand all this religious stuff, so many preach love and kindness then dish out hate & hurtful things.

I'm glad you aren't giving the a copule a hard time and are concerned for their feelings. As far as doing anything with the haters, I'd just ignore them. Must be miserable going through life so bigoted and condescending...full of so called "love" and acceptance for only the "right" kind of people. Blech.

Edited to add: I hope the couple surround themselves with those who love them and have many happy years together filled with all good things.

**Dixie** · 06-14-2010, 01:29 PM

I agree with Greebo, the denominations are very similar. My dh was raised Catholic and borderline Agnostic and I was a Methodist when we married 33 years ago, next month. My in laws were not happy! They were very upset that I wasn't Catholic, but neither was their son apparently.

Anyway, we are now Southern Baptist, dh and I are born again Christians and that's what worked for us.

I agree with the poster who said, 'let go and let God'. I'll say a prayer for them.

**shoiji** · 06-14-2010, 01:48 PM

My grandmother was excommunicated from the catholic church because she married my grandfather who was protestant. Well the catholic church years later came to her saying she could come back to the church. She told them she wouldn't since she never did anything wrong in the first place.

It is unfortunate how family can behave badly, especially around wedding time. I hope the couple will find the strength to realize the same thing my grandmother did.

**indigo53** · 06-15-2010, 01:32 PM

Considering this is 2010, (I had to double check the date on the post) is this even a problem? Sorry, but this is something I've not heard since the 60's or 70's. I don't think you have anything to worry about, they'll be fine.