How to say no nicely?

**HandyMom** · 09-26-2010, 04:59 AM

Recently I was invited to a soup kitchen type meal served at a local church. Meals are served 3 times a week and I've been going regularly now for a few weeks and meeting some new people but... I don't think I want to go anymore because there is a person there who needs a friend and some favors who has latched onto me and who I feel is now trying to take advantage of my kindness and sympathy. Mind you, I don't have much myself to begin with, but I do have a steady income and a car which this lady doesn't have. A ride home from the church was of little inconvenience but now she's asking for rides to much greater distances, wanting to find someone to go with to a fair (and pay her way) and etc. She also wants to drop in whenever she is on the neighborhood.

One nice thing has turned into a rush of requests for help from her and I can't take it. I also don't like feeling like I have to hide from her in my own house and avoid answering the door when she knows I am home and can see my car, etc.

She clearly needs a friend and some help but she is asking too much of me now and making me feel uncomfortable. She made a remark one day that if she didn't show up for dinner I would not miss her (trying to guilt trip me for saying no to a request to drive her to the bus station).

I don't know what to do to not appear rude and uncaring but this is exactly why I prefer to stay home alone most of the time. People such as this lady try and take advantage of me and it makes me angry.

**MaryCarney** · 09-26-2010, 08:34 AM

Oh, that is so hard!!! I have a neighbor who wants to be my 'best friend' because of all the supposed things we 'have in common' - none of which we REALLY do, and plus I just don't like her.

My standard answer (which I learned from a friend who faced a similar problem) is "I have an appointment". It's more specific than "I'm busy" but truthful, as I make 'appointments' for myself for things like take a nap or be alone for awhile!!

The lady is either A) not very self aware or B)one of the many users out there who think other people and their lives and possessions are just out there waiting for the user's wants and needs to be fulfilled.

**cab54** · 09-26-2010, 09:53 AM

I can sooooo identify with the last line of your post, where you say it's people like this that make you feel more comfortable staying home alone, etc.

I've always felt like I had a sign on my head that said 'sucker'. Don't get me wrong, I like people in general (esp. you FV-ers) but all I know is ---I can sure pick 'em. Or they pick me is more like it.

I've always had trouble making friends. Why can't people just want friendship? I am a magnet for 'cling-ons', USERS, scam artists, people just looking for a shoulder to cry on, etc.

Anyway...I hear ya.

I'm sorry this happened with this woman. You don't have to answer the door just because she might know you're there. It's YOUR door. Tell you had headphones on. Tell her you were meditating. Eventually she'll get the message.

**frugalwarrior2** · 09-26-2010, 10:54 AM

If she had said to me "If I didn't show up for dinner you prob. woul;dn't miss me" I would have said "Not if your going to make me feel guilty everytime I have to say no,I won't" then smiled and laughed like it was a joke. Then I would have said "Don't I always give you rides from church??
I also would start asking for favors like can you sew on this button,can you help w/ cleaning etc. She has to get that friendship is give and take.

**Natalie's Nesters** · 09-26-2010, 11:02 AM

I totally agree with Mary! I would always be "busy" Users really get on my last nerve!

**pollypurebred39** · 09-26-2010, 12:43 PM

Well, the first thing I would do is not sit next to her during the supper. If she came over to talk I would be polite but not engage her in conversation. After that, if she needed a ride home I'd let her know that while you're happy to give her a ride home that you would no longer be able to run her places. You do not Have to explain why. Resist the urge to explain, no means no. When she shows up at your door answer it, but politely explain that while it's nice to see her, you really are just too busy right now for company, or you're not up for company at this time. Remember, you do not need to explain why you are too busy. No means no, and that's all the explanation she needs.

**shoiji** · 09-26-2010, 12:47 PM

You can also speak with someone at the church for advise in handling this. I am sure people get asked things many times. Let them know that you enjoy being there however are feeling uncomfortable because of this particular lady and why.

Maybe they can have you doing something where you do not have to converse extensively with anyone. This might help create some distance. There is nothing wrong in saying no to a request. That is your choice.

It just sounds as if if the lady was not requesting and making you feel uncomfortable then you would still be participating. Sometimes you have to set boundries with people. It is better than avoiding a place just because of one particular person.

I have had to get used to setting boundaries myself. For me it is getting easier and I am getting out more often and doing the things I enjoy.

**prudent lass** · 09-26-2010, 01:29 PM

One of my friends is great with boundary setting. She maintains a dead-eye stare with the wannabe-leech and says Nothing. At. All. Most people can't stand a gap in the convo and will fall over themselves trying to back off or change topics. It's too hardcore for me, but it does work.

I usually take Mary's route and say that I have an "appointment". Be prepared to be asked what the appointment is for though. You'll need to shut down that line of questioning by either saying it's personal or medical.

**mauimagic** · 09-26-2010, 01:36 PM

What great advice for a really uncomfortable situation. I'd use what ever ideas seem comfortable for you. Bet that if you talk with the people who run the kitchen that you'll find she has done the same to others before you arrived.

Please let us know what happens and how you deal with it - I know that we can learn a lot from your experience!1

**2ndGenGranola** · 09-26-2010, 02:57 PM

I'd let her know that my schedule has become hectic and I cannot do A,B or C anymore.

**Missy** · 09-26-2010, 03:41 PM

Ok, understand that I am only suggesting this because you already have gotten great advise. I would definitely follow that first. But if all else fails, creep her out, make her find someone else to leech off of. ( since halloween is right around the corner...there's a world of creepy opportunity). pick your nose and wipe it in the passenger seat of your car (fake of course). Pick a bug from your hair and fling it in the back seat...Tell her you have some bug infestation in your house (so she won't go there) or in the car (so she won't want rides)...Play it up and have fun with it.

FWIW we get people to stay away by telling em our religion and asking em to go to church with us. 99% decide they'll look for rides elsewhere. it would be funny if it weren't true...hahahahha *sigh*

**prudent lass** · 09-26-2010, 03:44 PM

Originally Posted by Missy

Ok, understand that I am only suggesting this because you already have gotten great advise. I would definitely follow that first. But if all else fails, creep her out, make her find someone else to leech off of. ( since halloween is right around the corner...there's a world of creepy opportunity). pick your nose and wipe it in the passenger seat of your car (fake of course). Pick a bug from your hair and fling it in the back seat...Tell her you have some bug infestation in your house (so she won't go there) or in the car (so she won't want rides)...Play it up and have fun with it.

FWIW we get people to stay away by telling em our religion and asking em to go to church with us. 99% decide they'll look for rides elsewhere. it would be funny if it weren't true...hahahahha *sigh*

OMG, I am literally LOLing. You win the the thread, Missy.

**Greebo** · 09-26-2010, 07:31 PM

People who use guilt as a weapon to try to compel you to do something they need YOU to do should be reminded that it's a bad idea to spit in your face when you have them by the throat.

Politeness is not required.

**starsapphire** · 09-26-2010, 07:59 PM

Don't worry about hurting her feelings and just tell her No. She's certainly not worried about hurting yours by being pushy and manipulative.

**Momto5RN** · 09-26-2010, 08:01 PM

one thing i have learned thru my work etc us most peopel who have absoluetkt no one who can help them - have no one because they have driven them all away by their attahcing on to people - expecting too much frpom them and guilting them into things just as this woman has.

you need to set boundries- just say i cannot if she asks why say its personal- if they push just say if they continue to act in thsi way you will have to end the friendship all together so would she rather have rides to church or push things and have nothing .

once you establish boundries you may well be able to have a nice two sided friendship.