How do you know it is worth the sacrifice?

**thefrugaltribe** · 12-12-2010, 09:34 PM

So my family is at a cross roads with our lives....

We are currently in the position where we are both working full time and have a wonderful DD who is 1 and 1/2.

We have about 40K worth of debt that needs to be paid off

2 cars that will last anoth 5 years

No house, we rent.

While we can go without traveling and other luxuries we have 3 things that are important to us

a. having another baby and allowing me to be a stay at home mum for a few years so that I can complete my midwifery course and head back to work
b. get married - while we both want to do this it is for different reason, I just want to be able to call DP my husband, he is more traditional and wants it so our kids can have parents who are married but for him it wouldn't be the end of the world if we never got married. while he doesn't want a massive affair he does not want to go down to the registry and get married that way...
c. save up a deposit and get a house

None of the above can happen until we have paid off a majority of the debt so we are working on that. However I am miserable working fulltime and being a mummy part time so we decided that we will work towards getting our debt down to 10-20K and have a baby, this amount of debt would be okay to deal with on one wage.

However by doing this we will b unable to get married or buy a house for at least 4-5 years...while I am more then happy to do this because I will be home with my babies and studying to better their lives in the long run I worry that we are sacrificing getting married and buying a house for too long and we will regret it?

Part of me worries that I am being selfish and I should focus on getting married and buying a house?

What do you think?

**Nishu** · 12-12-2010, 09:50 PM

I can understand why you wouldn't want to buy a house yet, but waiting to get married doesn't make sense to me. You can probably do a super simple wedding for just a couple hundred bucks. Or do what we military folk do all the time, visit the JP and then have a ceremony/celebration when the time is right.

There are things that I will gladly put off for the sake of paying off bills. Buying a house, going on vacation, going back to school. Staying home with my kids is not one of those things. I know there are people who say that all that work is only temporary and it will pay off in the end, but I have worked in the past and I found in my case it wasn't worth the stress and loss of family time.

Be sure to take a good long look at your budget and see what your job is costing you. Sometimes it's more cost effective for mom's to stay home with the kid rather than pay a sitter. Of course, you may end up hating it at home and itching to go back to work. It's definitely an adjustment.

Keep talking with your SO. Whatever happens it's important for you guys to be a team.

**thefrugaltribe** · 12-12-2010, 10:16 PM

Thank you so much for your feedback, it feels so much better being able to talk to someone about it.

I regards to the wedding, I will speak to DP about just getting the paperwork done and then celebrating it later...who says we cant celebrate it at the same time as our 2nd babies baptism?? the whole walking down the aisle wearing a massive dress after 2 babies and 11 years just doesn't feel right for me but who says we cant declare our love to each other in front of our family later??? sounds great to me

Because DP is an nurse we have worked it so she only needs to be in care 2 days a week which works out to be about $450 a month for child care and even if I add petrol etc to that it would only be a fraction of what I earn so we would be running at a massive lose if I quit my job. Unfortunately I am worth more spending more time away from my baby

It has made me feel better about how I feel...I hope to hear more opinions

**Nishu** · 12-12-2010, 10:23 PM

Do you only work those two days a week, or do you work at other times? If you work several days a week, maybe you could cut out those two days that you have to have a sitter?

**thefrugaltribe** · 12-12-2010, 10:30 PM

Unfortunately my work specifically doesn't have flexibilty and part of the reason I am paid what I am paid here is because of the years I have been here...if I left this job for the same (part-time) job elsewhere I would not be paid close to what I get now

and we cant afford that with the amount of debt we have...we will be able to afford to be on 1 wage early 2012 which is when we are aiming to have another baby by....if the are blessed with a baby

**Thevail** · 12-12-2010, 10:56 PM

It does sound as if the job isn't optional, and that sucks. I'm so sorry!

But as far as the wedding goes... talented friends and a good eye can go a long way towards an inexpensive wedding.

Depending on what type of dress you want.. this is a good time of year to look at them, especially in January when there are essentially no more weddings until spring. Great dresses can be gotten on clearance for practically nothing. If you don't want to go that formal, wait for the post-spring sales and pick up a pretty white dress (they sell them every year) in about June.

Most wedding decorations can be gotten for $1 at your local dollar store..seriously.

**Nishu** · 12-12-2010, 10:56 PM

If your only choice is to stick with it, then I suggest posting your budget and letting our professionals here take a few whacks at it. They can trim any budget.

**Darlene** · 12-13-2010, 08:18 AM

I got married by the mayor in her office and my in laws had a nice luncheon at their home with just a handful of family members there and cake for dessert. Here I am still married 26+ years later. It can be memorable, it can be nice, it can mean bunches even if it is a small affair and it can happen any time. If you have the proper paperwork/blood test whatever it could happen this week. You don't have the money for a big deal, what's more important being married or waiting years & having a big shindig? Being married by the registrar doesn't make you less married. You could even have them come to you and have a nice ceremony at your home or the home of someone else. Why wait unless someone is unsure?

Everyone is different though and you need to do what's best for you.

I'm sorry you have to work but I'd get married, wait on having another child, keep on working and saving wherever I could to pay down debt as soon as possible so you can get going on realizing those other hopes and dreams you have.
Good luck!

**Jeanna** · 12-13-2010, 12:44 PM

I agree that getting married is something you could do at this time, if that is what you want. I do agree that the sacrifice that it takes to stay home with children is worth it. The only advice I have it make sure you and your partner are on the same page. I can say we have weathered a lot over the years because we are on the same page, where I know couples who have split going though the same things because they had not sat down and discussed things before it came up.
Good luck on what ever you do.

**Tess B** · 12-13-2010, 01:28 PM

i've always been a working mom (my daughter is 27 now) - for me there just wasn't another viable option. what set my mind at ease was knowing she was in quality capable hands in daycare, preschool, elementary school. did i miss out on some stuff? yeah, she took her first steps in daycare and was successfully poddy trained there as well.....but she was also well-socialized, learned how to work with others cooperatively, got lots of playtime with her peers. meanwhile i had good steady work which provided us with a more stable life, and allowed me to keep her in private school all the way thru college. her education was of paramount importance to me.

regarding the "getting married" part - remember to focus on what marriage MEANS for both of you, not just on what the day you happened to get married was like. the event itself is what, maybe an hour of your life? marriage is the NEXT 30, 50 years or so, God willing!!!!

**shoiji** · 12-13-2010, 01:44 PM

Try to hang in there and continue to pay down the debt. Realize that it is very difficult to wait.

Right now you are in a situation that can really help you to pay down your debt and live a much more simplified life financially. This is a situation that many people unfortunatly do not have. I only stress this since an alternative could be you own a house, have a second child on the way, and are paying down a 40K debt, mortgage, taxes, house upkeep, etc. Waiting a little over a year to get your financial situation and your future in order seems well worth it.

Many of the frugal villagers have put off many things to get their debt payed down and know the feeling of relief when it is payed off.

Hopefully this helps.

**Cares** · 12-13-2010, 02:17 PM

Hey, sorry things just don't work out the way we want them to! Sorry working full time makes more sense than being at home with your DD. Totally get that! I'd rather be at home too, but it doesn't make sense right now.

I also want to have baby#2 really soon, had a chat with Dh, but he wants our $25G debt paid off totally, PLUS 5-6 months of savings before baby would be born. I almost lost my mind at the mere suggestion of waiting another year before even trying. But, now that we have a serious plan in place to pay off the debt (I'm even looking for a casual or p/t job for a short period of time to help pay it quicker), it really does feel good knowing that we'll be in GREAT shape when baby comes along. I"m already less stressed just at that thought. Plus, hopefully those savings will go towards a down payment on a new house- we are also planning for that asap. It does suck to have to wait for a baby, trust me I know, but I know it'll be worth it. Keep hanging in there!

Also, when DH and I got married, we had a fair size wedding for $12,000. 100 guests, church, nice reception on a gorgeous horse farm, really great photographers... we cut expenses wherever we could (no limo, we borrowed a cadillac from a dealership! No wedding cake. Buffet style dinner. Made our own invites and centerpieces, etc etc) and it made a huge difference. That being said... my SIL got married a year after us. Her and her now hubby had been together forever, have 3 kids and just wanted to be married. She bought a bridesmaid dress on sale, they pitched one of those dining tents (a wedding gift from DH and I) in their backyard, hired a JP and a photographer, and got family to bring a potluck meal. It was only close family that were invited. It cost them maybe $2000. MAYBE. And aside from my own wedding cuz that will ALWAYS be the best to ME, it was the BEST wedding I have EVER been to. It was just the sweetest thing. It was just 2 people totally in love and doing it for that reason only. Something to think about!

Good luck, keep us posted!

**Cricketlegs** · 12-13-2010, 05:04 PM

As a wife(16 years) and a Mama(dds are 23 and 15) I have worked and also been a stay at home. I have also worked from home lol. I have been a stay at home mom one way or the other for 15 years even when I was still a negative retoucher. Now I am just a Mama and wife.

I had a small wedding for about $100. I made my food. The building was free from my dhs parents housing gated community-the clubhouse by the pool- and my in laws bought a small 2 tiered cake. Also my EX MIL bought me a nice dress from Dillards. My ex mil had a professional who worked for her take our pictures as a gift.

I personally just wanted to marry my honey and get on with LIFE. The JP would have done for me but dh wanted a wedding so I gave in and he got one. 50 people, food, cake, ceremony, and the JP to do the deed.

16 years later I have to say IMHO weddings are small potatoes. Its the life, the babies, the shared life, good and bad that matters.

If you must have a wedding then do a nice small one and pay off some debt then you can have another little one and your happily ever after!

**thefrugaltribe** · 12-13-2010, 06:32 PM

Thanks for your opinions guys.

Unfortunately DP wants a wedding, not a massive one but one that would cost at least 5-6K and I cannot justify spending that when I priorities debt and babies before that. I would be more then happy to have it done by our version of a JP but DP is not in to that. I will endeavour to find cheaper ways to do it

and I hope that we can get it done more quickly.

Paying off our debts are a major priority before having another baby and that is the plan...as I said we plan to try for a baby which would result in us being in about 10-15K of debt by the time the baby would be born and we are happy with that amount of debt and can manage it and get it paid off on one wage...we will also be saving he entire time I am PG so we should have about 7-8K saved up to cover repayments for 6ish months post baby plus in Australia we get a certain amount of weeks paid maternity leave so that will help also. I am not too concerned about being 100% debt free before having another child as I know it is nothing compared to what we have had in the past and we can manage...

I guess I was more concerned about whether I should get house/get married before have another child and both DP and I both agree that we need to focus on advancing our careers before we get a house and to do this I need to go to school full time and to do this I need to not work...I am going to have a baby while I am not working...so what we are planning seems to make sense to us.

Thanks again

**qtkitty** · 12-16-2010, 10:33 PM

Do you go to a church? If your looking to get married maybe check with them. Some churches help their members get married and have decorations and reception halls with kitchens and sometimes kind hearted people to help with set up.

For the cake get a modest small decorative one ... then buy or make sheet cakes that cost a lot less.

As for a dress if you are not superstitious about wearing a used wedding gown you could get one for under $200. Also check thrift shops.

There is always the option of the reception being covered dish or atleast a BYOB event.

If you wait til spring or summer you could get married in a park or someones yard if they have a nice area with reception following there.

Could even have a mini honey moon... check on little Bed & Breakfasts in rural settings for a get away from it all type thing. Definately talk to the manager about a manager special. .. or heck have baby taken care of by someone else and spend time at home together for a couple days.