real life Smothers Brothers

[Lora88]

Im sure some you remember the Smothers brothers and their classic line Mom loved you best. Well that is my brother and I to a t. My mom adored my brtoher and I guess she loved me although not quite sure about that quite homestly. My mother was an alcoholic and abusive to both me and my Dad My brother seem to have escaped her wrath somehow. Well fast forward many years later My mother is 93 and in a nursing home Today My brother and I are going to make our Christmas visit of course I picked up the gifts and the tray of cookies for the nurses. The home is 65 miles from my house and about 25 from my brothers so of course yet agian he gets the easy way out but that is not what this post is about. I have tried every way I know how not to resent my mother. I have tried prayer mediation therapy and even a wth attitude nothing works. If I never saw my mother again it would be too soon (please dont judge you had to have lived it to know ) I literally cant stand her and if I hadnt promised my beloved father I would "do the right thing" I would never go to see her again I resent everything about her and the horrible person she is. She had an incredibly wonderful life great husband children good health money and she didnt appreciate any of it. It has gotten so bad that I dislike all old women because they remind me of her and how sad cause if I live I will become an old woman and resent myself I know I should let the whole thing go but just cant seem to get there Any suggestions? thanks for listening

[Labontet]

Can't give you any advice as I have lived my own trauma with my mother who is now deceased

Praying that God eases your heart.

[Darlene]

It's more than OK to feel what you feel but Lora, I'd go talk to sombody about it. It's clearly impacting your life and if a professional can help you deal with it better it sure would make your quality of life better. Don't just say no. What she's done has impacted your life for all these years, isn't it time to do somthing positive about it for yourself? You are worth it .

[cab54]

I felt the same way about my abusive alcoholic father.

All I can tell you is what Al-anon (for children of alcoholics) taught me. It is this: You cannot change, and are not responsible for, and cannot do anything about other people behavior, past or present. You can only be responsible for your own.

So I decided that no matter what kind of person my father had been, and no matter how much pain he had caused me, I had to 'rise above it' (so to speak) and be the kind of person 'I' wanted to be--- and to be remembered as.

I know what you're saying--it takes a LOT to let go of the pain and resentment. It took me decades and dozens of 'start-overs'. But the way I was toward him at the end (kind, helpful, respectful) actually helped me make peace with it. In being that way, I had no 'extra' regrets about our relationship, because I could say to myself...."you did the right thing."

[bonnotsm9]

Both my parents were abusive- my dad was an alcoholic and my mom is bipolar and probably has some sort of personality disorder because she has absolutely no conscience/remorse/compassion.

I stay away from them. (Well my dad is deceased now.) I will provide for my mom's physical needs if necessary so that she has food, clothing, and shelter. I will NOT go visit her or interact with her because all she wants from me is a person to manipulate and demean. That was all my dad wanted from me. I'm better off avoiding personal contact with them. This upsets some relatives who for whatever reason think I should go along with her bad behavior. Refusing to do so causes conflict with them, but it's a[B]lways been better for my emotional health to stay away[/B]. I know my limits now. My family needs a wife and mother who can cope, not someone who is constantly tied in knots over whatever hateful thing my parent has said or done to me recently.

If I were you, I would take care of your mom's affairs from a distance and let your brother actually visit her in person. I don't know exactly what you promised your dad you'd do for her, if you said you'd visit her I'd have trouble not doing that. Since she was abusive toward your father he may have asked too much of you to expect you to visit her. It's the relatives that can't set healthy boundaries with my mom who expect me to interact with her. Don't know why that is.

In any case, I'm sorry for your trouble. Hugs to you.

[krbshappy71]

I don't personally feel that anyone dead should determine how we live. They got their chance to live their way, this is my chance to live my way. But, that's me and my philosophy. I would agree to their wishes to help them pass on, but it doesn't mean I would uphold them. Judge me as you wish, I'm just telling you what I would do. I don't think you should be living your life for someone else who is no longer here to feel the pain you feel when you are treated badly by her.

She has limited time left here, do what you need to do to survive them and still respect yourself. I'm currently working on my relationship with my mom for ME. Not for her, she's shown me her true colors enough for me to know what I'm getting into. I have decided that I need her in certain ways for my own sanity and have created boundaries so I can have that.

Hugs to you.

[shoiji]

I think your father would understand if you stopped visiting your mother. You need to do what is best for you now. I would also try to find a specialist that you could speak with to help you deal with your feelings towards your mother. I do not mean to say what you are feeling is wrong, just someone to speak to so you can understand what is going on and perhaps help you break the cycle of being in contact with your mother.

Many people do not have contact with their families for different reasons. It is nothing to be ashamed of or feel that it is not the way to treat family. Sometimes it is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.