Staying out of it

**Tess B** · 01-03-2011, 02:28 PM

do you sometimes find it challenging to NOT get sucked into your friends financial messes? i have a friend who thru a series of thoughtless/reckless/careless actions and decisions permeating thru most of her adult life has herself now in such a financial pickle somebody should call Guinness. on the one hand i hate that such a wonderful good hearted person is in the bind she is in, but at the same time i just wanna shake her!!!!

i really have to work at the art of detachment......as time has passed and i've learned more of her story, it's become apparent that while she does not make poor choices with the intention of self-destructing, over the years that has become her MO and in a strange way, her comfort zone. more paramount than any of that is for ME to remember that HER problems are not there for ME to fix!!! ack.

there's such a fine line between knowing that certain methods and solutions DO work IF one commits to the plan and then sticks with it, offering suggestions and standing by the creed of Live and Let Live. just curious if others have had similar experiences???

**Ceashels** · 01-03-2011, 03:12 PM

You are not alone. I find it very difficult knowing that my neighbors are living less than hand to mouth. Much of their personal journey has been in their own making ... being a day late to file an appeal... choosing cigarettes over food and rent... not getting free legal representation during the removal of the kids from home, etc.

Until they learn what their priorities need to be and live to meet them... they really can't progress. And we've provided them a copy of DR as well. I don't know if they read it. I don't think they could see themselves as the cause of their current situation... something else must have caused it. kwim?

I try to keep detached and she is actually helping this by only calling me when she needs something. I've offered many "come join me for a cup of coffee" and have never been taken up on it. I would like to be friends but it seems she just wants to be an "arms length" neighbor.

**rskmom** · 01-03-2011, 03:18 PM

I have a staff member who is in danger of losing his house to foreclosure. He has come to me in the past asking for advice. I have long since stopped giving it - he doesn't take it. He does nothing to change his situation. In actuality, he's making his situation worse. If you can't pay your real estate taxes, you shouldn't be going out to eat at the tune of $100+ per person!

**LuLuBleen** · 01-03-2011, 04:05 PM

Do you sometimes find it challenging to NOT get sucked into your friends financial messes?

Oh, yeah. That's why I have to force myself to change the subject when money matters come up. Nothing good comes from discussing money with family and friends, IMO.

As long as I'm not financially supporting them, they can do what they want and I don't care. Life's too short to try to reason with people who will NOT change.

**erinalexmom** · 01-03-2011, 04:20 PM

Yes!Yes!Yes! My best friend is an amazing woman! She truly is one of the most kind and giving peopl I have ever known but her mother is a paranoid schitzophrenic and she will go to Goodwill spend all her $ and have nothing left for rent. So what does my BFF do? Go to the landlord and cover her mothers butt! Then she also has a sister who couldnt buy her kids Christmas because she got mad and walked out of her job so what does my bff do? spends hundreds on her nephews! She also has a brother who is in and out of jail who has a kid he never sees so my bff gets visitation through the mother and buys the baby clothes, diapers,ect.
I think she is wonderful for doing all this especially for the kids but there does come a point when you have to hold others responsible and quit bailing them out

**MrsClaus** · 01-03-2011, 05:07 PM

I can totally relate. By best friend whom I love more than my own sister just seems to wander from one drama to the next. If she has money, she doesn't think ahead to the bills that will be coming, she just goes ahead spends it. Then when the bills come due, she complains about not having the money.

**Tess B** · 01-03-2011, 05:21 PM

i suppose its a lot easier to think calmly and rationally about things when you aren't neck deep in the alligator swamp at dinner time huh? that's what i so much appreciate about FV...not only are we here to build community and share ideas, but in order to get REAL about our situation we have to pull our own covers....not just clamor about being broke and then continue the exact same behavior that keeps us broke. very 12th steppish actually, admitting there's a problem out of our control and seeking help and guidance to restore balance. and just like any other type of "recovery" you gotta wanna change real bad and be willing to do whatever it takes...........some get there, some don't.

**mauimagic** · 01-03-2011, 05:45 PM

One of my assistants lives her life like a never ending soap opera - this has been going on for at least the 4 years that I have known her. In the past, I put out a lot of energy and money and support - didn't take me long to figure it all out. She's a wonderful woman who continues to make such interesting destructive choices. Hard to watch, but getting sucked in and an enabler is just wrong.z

**acabin42** · 01-03-2011, 06:27 PM

Yes, it is hard to do. I always want to help, but sometimes they just need to figure it out for themselves. Very hard to watch.

**wjcalderon** · 01-03-2011, 07:21 PM

One of my very best friends called me recently to ask me who to contact about buying some more life insurance.
She says that when she dies, she hopes to leave her son about 1/2 million dollars.
Her son is 40 years old, doesn't work very often, and sponges off his mother every chance he gets.
She has bailed him out of so many financial problems, I lost count.
It doesn't do any good to tell her that she needs to let him fend for himself.
I just gave her the name of someone to call about the life insurance.
She refuses to do what she knows she should do.
I don't even try to give her advice anymore.

**Sassyclass** · 01-04-2011, 12:18 AM

Originally Posted by LuLuBleen

Oh, yeah. That's why I have to force myself to change the subject when money matters come up. Nothing good comes from discussing money with family and friends, IMO.

As long as I'm not financially supporting them, they can do what they want and I don't care. Life's too short to try to reason with people who will NOT change.

I second that.

Cat

**Dutchie** · 01-04-2011, 02:57 AM

Originally Posted by LuLuBleen

Oh, yeah. That's why I have to force myself to change the subject when money matters come up. Nothing good comes from discussing money with family and friends, IMO.

As long as I'm not financially supporting them, they can do what they want and I don't care. Life's too short to try to reason with people who will NOT change.

Couldn't agree with you more.
They never understand why we don't/won't get into a discussion with them about money. They are the ones who ALWAYS complain that they have NO money - however they go on vacation at least 5 times per year (yes NOT a typo).

These are also the family members (now you've got me started on some of my idiot in laws) who invited a load of people for a party on New Year's Eve and when everyone had said yes, that they were coming, asked for a donation for the party of $30 EACH to pay for the drinks and food which amounted to chips and beer and some candy.
(BTW we weren't invited and wouldn't have gone anyway if we had to pay $60 for the two of us - our entire New Year's eve didn't cost that and we had champagne and nice food.)

**shoiji** · 01-04-2011, 05:48 PM

It is troubling sometimes when you see people spending money unwisely. Like ordering takeout and complaining that they receive less money then you do. But there really is little that you can do.

I don't mind saying things like I got this on clearance, thrift store, yard sale. Sometimes it catches on sometimes it is just a foreign concept.

**rosey7415** · 01-04-2011, 06:15 PM

i have tried to help many people in my past. i even gave some money to help them out even though at the time i really couldn't afford it. i was going to help anyone in need. what a fool i was. a fool with a big heart. i have learned my lessons.....finally. some people just can't be helped. they don't get it. they really don't. so i stay out of all discussions about finances. if any one was to really ask for advice i would happily give it, but until then.....i keep my nose out and in my own business. except here....of course.....lol
as i get older i am in search of peace. i have had enough drama in my life already.....so if i can avoid it...........i do.

**MissSeetonFan** · 01-05-2011, 10:58 AM

I like this thread because it is helping me NOT get sucked in to some family members' financial problems. We have enough of our own as we are tweaking our budget so that we can pay everything and start Baby Step 1 (again).