My neighbor asked me to stop feeding the birds

**cab54** · 01-12-2011, 12:21 PM

...and I don't know how to feel about it.

She is a nice enough woman, moved here about 4 years ago, has one son just off to college this year and one son about 11. They are nice people. She can be a picky-picky type person, and is kind of a health nut (rightly so, she has had tongue cancer twice and really works hard to keep healthy). She is also a bit of a germophobe. No problem, to each his own.... I like her, she and I have talked quite a few times. I have thought occasionally that in the conversations we've had that she was trying to drop a not-so-subtle hint about I should run my life/have my yard/do things. But OK.

She comes to my door a couple of days ago (we live in suburbia) and says nicely...'can I ask you a favor, could you not feed the birds?' (I have a feeder at the back corner of my yard where hers connects). ' It is attracting the raccoons, and then they live under my deck, and I worry about diseases with the dog and all." (I can understand that, I love her doggie too, he's a sweetie).

I say 'sure, it will probably save me money anyway, and I don't mind.' And I don't .....I think..... But she kind of worries me. She has this little tiny control factor thing going on, you can just tell after knowing her awhile. I don't want to be undeer this woman's thumb about all kinds of stuff. Our fence is in BAD disrepair, and needs more than DH has been able to do to mend it over the years. It needs practically a whole new fence. I know that bothers her, cause she's mentioned it. Other than that, our yard is mowed and driveway/sidewalks shovelled ALWAYS, and we keep a neat place, make repairs regularly. Our hosue looks a lot nicer from the road than many houses in the 'hood.

We have been here 21 years, and she and her fam 4 years. I feel like sometimes saying why don't people just MYOB. Especially having many people move in and out of the neighborhood over the years, with many different opinions on how folks should live.

How should I feel about this request? DH and I both just chuckled about it, and he feels like "well, ok', but I love to watch the birds from my kitchen window, so I'm a tiny bit sad about this. Hmm....

**newstudent** · 01-12-2011, 12:25 PM

Do what you feel is right and don't get controlled by others.
Control usually starts with small things. What does she want you to do or not to do next?
If she is worried about her dog . There are tons of things out there to keep unwanted animals away, and I don't mean chemicals.
Your life,your house/yard, your rules .

**Libby** · 01-12-2011, 12:29 PM

I'd go along with her tiny request IF you truly don't mind the bird feeder thing. Should she 'kindly hint/request' that something be done about the fence...just put your foot down. She may be the controlling type but if you keep saying 'yes' to her she'll think she can steamroll you and tell you what you need to do. There needs to be a point where you say 'no' and mean it which should signal for her to back off and mind her bidness.

**LuLuBleen** · 01-12-2011, 12:34 PM

How should I feel about this request?

Well, you feel how you feel. It seems that your gut is telling you that this woman is going to keep coming up with ways of picking at you.

Personally, I'd let this particular request go. As you said, you'll just save money and she may have a point about attracting other unwanted animals.

From now on, I'd keep my distance from this woman and have as little contact with her as possible. Then, if/when she has another "request" (really a demand), you can refuse more easily.

If you keep your distance now, you'll avoid a (probably inevitable) blow-up down the road. We don't get to choose our neighbors, so it's probably best to treat them like co-workers - friendly, but not too friendly, IYKWIM.

Sorry for my long-winded input!

**many houseapes** · 01-12-2011, 12:34 PM

Is there anyway that you could move the feeder to another part of your yard - further away from her? If it were me - personally, I would continue to feed the birds - you get joy from it. Why let another person dictate to you what simple joys in life that you should have? I wouldn't think that the racoons are solely in the neighborhood just b/c of the birdfeed...they are attracted to other things as well...who knows, maybe another neighbor is leaving their trash can lids off?? I would be nice, but not let her "bully" me. Unless there is a city ordinance against feeding the birds, she can't do anything else but whine.

**Darlene** · 01-12-2011, 12:41 PM

Is your feeder attracting unwanted animals? She said there were raccoons, but are they really there?
If not I'd probably just move it away from her fence and continue to enjoy the birds.

**LuLuBleen** · 01-12-2011, 12:50 PM

Oh, I just thought of a test. If you move the bird feeder farther away from the neighbor's house, and then she complains that the birds are pooping on her car, you'll just know you've got a real control freak living next door.

There's a guy in our town who vigilantly feeds the birds every day, then shoots at them.

Well, he did till his neighbors called the cops (thankfully).

**madjen** · 01-12-2011, 12:53 PM

What's she going to ask you to do next when the raccoons don't leave after the removal of your bird feeder?

**Nishu** · 01-12-2011, 01:05 PM

Your first instinct was that it was no big deal and you don't mind not feeding the birds. Go with it.

She's been there 4 years and this is actually pretty mild. If she was going to get wack-o pushy, she would have done it already. If you feel like you need to put your foot down to later less reasonable requests you can deal with them as they come along. IMHO, it's not a reasonable response for you to turn this down just because you think that she might, maybe, possibly, could go over the line in the future.

**Josephhgoins** · 01-12-2011, 01:07 PM

I used to tell my folks at work to always pick and choose your battles wisely. I believe the same can be said for this.

If it was me, I would give in on the bird feeder and maybe put a humming bird feeder on the eave at the house. You get the birds and she looses the racoons.

Also, how bad would YOU feel if one of those racoons that was attracted by your feeder hurt her dog? He is innocent in all of this.

This is one of the biggest reasons I don't want neighbors.

Do you have a HOA? Can she cause a stink for you with the fence?

**Nishu** · 01-12-2011, 01:07 PM

And I just wanted to say 1) you already said you'd stop feeding them and also 2) a lot of the ideas being thrown around by previous posters are kind of passive-aggressive. If you told her you would stop and you don't be prepared for a negative reaction which, imo, would be completely understandable.

**Jenny WC** · 01-12-2011, 01:09 PM

In our old house the neighbor asked the same thing. First she start with saying stuff then just came out and asked us to stop feeding the birds. We told her is was something we enjoyed and we wanted to continue doing it. We moved the feeder to the other side of the yard. She still continued to complain. It's kinda funny when we was moving she can over and politely said "You guys have been great neighbor. Here don't forget your bird feeder" I just she didn't want to give the new owner any ideas...LOL

**shoiji** · 01-12-2011, 01:11 PM

I would like to say there was a woman who lived at in a complex I did. She feed the birds every day. She said they come and bang on her window if she did not. Which is ok except they would line up on the telephone wire and poo on our cars. Not just a few birds but a whole flock of them. Personally I thought it was really annoying to have to continually clean the car because the woman insisted on feeding the birds. She also liked to contol things and tell you when things were bothering her that you did.

I would definately do what one person suggested here. Start keeping your distance to this neighbor. That way you can keep your ground when it comes to any more requests. I would try moving the bird feeder. Also, are racoons a problem in your area? People are so varied with what they like and do not like. But I can also understand wanting to be on good terms with your neighbor.

Can't she fix the area where she thinks the racoons are getting to?

**Jamielane** · 01-12-2011, 01:11 PM

Well our neighbor fed the birds and my dh and I didnt like it because they made such a mess on the cars and fence and the squirrels would get into the feeder and then the birds would tear the garbage bags up as well. We never asked him to stop but were glad when he moved away and we didnt have the issue anymore. I think its a valid request considering the varmits are under her deck .

**CrazyCat** · 01-12-2011, 01:19 PM

Next time she asks something like that. Tell her that you will keep it under advisement. Not yes...not no.

I have a problem with people who think they can control how you run your life. If you get enjoyment from it...or your dh does, I say don't quit just because she asks you. I would move the feeder to the opposite side of the yard. THEN let her approach you again. When she does....I would tell her that you and dh had discussed it, and you have been feeding the birds for xx number of years, and don't plan of quitting.