OK - not sure how to handle this situation. My older brother and I have never had a great relationship as adults - it's always been strained and difficult. As an adult, he found religion and became extremely judgmental. He got married young; I have never been married; he's a Republican; I'm Dem; he has four kids; I have none; I love animals; he does not. But the larger issue is that my brother has never come to terms with some childhood stuff and is sort of stuck at age 19 when it comes to our family of origin (mom, sis, bro and me). He's a great dad and husband - been happily married 26 years, but for some reason he reverts to behavior that we used to do when we were growing up in our dysfunctional house - he condescends, puts me down, criticizes, name calls - crosses all boundaries of respect. I have long since discarded the behavior I learned growing up and it is totally unacceptable.
He moved away at age 18 to go to college out of state and pretty much never came back - got married at 20 or 21. So it's like he's never had a chance to get to know me and my bro and sis as adults (despite all of my numerous attempts and efforts to visit, etc., which he never reciprocated) - he thinks we're still that same dysfunctional family. His family seems to be very healthy (from the outside and what I can tell) - but when he deals with us he can't control his anger or attitude.
I put up with it for years, but about four years ago at age 42 we had another disagreement in which he e-mailed me and my sister, putting us down, name calling, etc. I'd had enough and didn't respond to his accusations, but just told him that no one talks to me that way and that unless he could talk to me with respect and constructively, I didn't want to hear from him. So I didn't hear from him for years. Last year he, out of the blue, adds me to some e-mail group list he has to whom he sends all his brags about his kids. I just e-mailed him and said that I was really surprised he would do that, considering we'd been estranged, that unless he apologized for the things he said, I did not want to have contact with him and to remove me from his list. He sent another nasty e-mail back.
I never had a close relationship with his wife or kids because a) they live out of state and b) I never was close with him. But I tried to be a good aunt - for 20 years I sent them b-day and Xmas gifts. When Facebook started, I e-mailed his now grown kids and said that although I wasn't close with their dad, I loved them and was thinking about them. None of them e-mailed me back, one finally friended me on FB about a year ago and I accepted. She's never e-mailed me or said anything - she doesn't post on any of my statuses, so I can't help but wonder if she just was curious about what my profile looked like or so she could share it with her siblings. She's made no attempt to actually have a relationship.
Now this morning, my bro's wife sent me a friend request for FB. I find this very strange considering she knows that my bro and I haven't spoken in years. I find it especially strange since she didn't even send me an e-mail saying, "Gee Leslie, I know things have been strained with you and your brother, but I'd like to stay in touch" or anything. Just acted like there was no issue. I don't know what to do - accept it or ignore. I don't trust that she won't share my FB posts with my brother who will then use them as ammunition against me. Or that then my brother will try to FB friend me (he already poked me once, which I ignored). I don't have anything particular against her, perhaps she's tried to talk to my bro about the issue and he won't. But I can't believe she's oblivious to his awful behavior.
What does everyone think? Accept her request or ignore?
He moved away at age 18 to go to college out of state and pretty much never came back - got married at 20 or 21. So it's like he's never had a chance to get to know me and my bro and sis as adults (despite all of my numerous attempts and efforts to visit, etc., which he never reciprocated) - he thinks we're still that same dysfunctional family. His family seems to be very healthy (from the outside and what I can tell) - but when he deals with us he can't control his anger or attitude.
I put up with it for years, but about four years ago at age 42 we had another disagreement in which he e-mailed me and my sister, putting us down, name calling, etc. I'd had enough and didn't respond to his accusations, but just told him that no one talks to me that way and that unless he could talk to me with respect and constructively, I didn't want to hear from him. So I didn't hear from him for years. Last year he, out of the blue, adds me to some e-mail group list he has to whom he sends all his brags about his kids. I just e-mailed him and said that I was really surprised he would do that, considering we'd been estranged, that unless he apologized for the things he said, I did not want to have contact with him and to remove me from his list. He sent another nasty e-mail back.
I never had a close relationship with his wife or kids because a) they live out of state and b) I never was close with him. But I tried to be a good aunt - for 20 years I sent them b-day and Xmas gifts. When Facebook started, I e-mailed his now grown kids and said that although I wasn't close with their dad, I loved them and was thinking about them. None of them e-mailed me back, one finally friended me on FB about a year ago and I accepted. She's never e-mailed me or said anything - she doesn't post on any of my statuses, so I can't help but wonder if she just was curious about what my profile looked like or so she could share it with her siblings. She's made no attempt to actually have a relationship.
Now this morning, my bro's wife sent me a friend request for FB. I find this very strange considering she knows that my bro and I haven't spoken in years. I find it especially strange since she didn't even send me an e-mail saying, "Gee Leslie, I know things have been strained with you and your brother, but I'd like to stay in touch" or anything. Just acted like there was no issue. I don't know what to do - accept it or ignore. I don't trust that she won't share my FB posts with my brother who will then use them as ammunition against me. Or that then my brother will try to FB friend me (he already poked me once, which I ignored). I don't have anything particular against her, perhaps she's tried to talk to my bro about the issue and he won't. But I can't believe she's oblivious to his awful behavior.
What does everyone think? Accept her request or ignore?